Login

Month: February 2024

Categories
General

Perfectionism: the art of zero chill

perfectionism

In psychology, perfectionism is conceptualized as the relentless striving towards extremely high, often unrealistic, standards. And, perfectionists are often described as those that have the need TO BE and APPEAR perfect, have rigid expectations about self and others, and are inflexible towards acceptable outcomes and on the ways to achieve them. 

It is often characterized by a pattern of behaviors…

  • Not performing or beginning a task unless you know you can do it perfectly.
  • Not seeing a task as finished until the result is perfect according to their standards. 
  • Taking excessively more time to complete a task than typically expected. 
  • Focusing ONLY on how the result will look like.

… and feelings;

  • Crippling fear of failure
  • Defensiveness towards [constructive] criticism
  • Pain and sadness when their expectations are not met. 
  • Feel the excessive need to control behaviors and situations as a way to prevent ‘mistakes’

 …which are underpinned by rigid thinking patterns [ the shoulds, musts & have to’s ]. 

“I have to keep this scholarship” *rechecks homework for the 10th time*

“I should deliver the presentation flawlessly.” *nitpicks and edits slides until the last minute*

“I should not risk ruining my record” *avoids signing up for challenging tasks/class*

“I have to be the best mom/dad/son/daughter” *berates self for making the littlest mistake*

Put rather simplistically, perfectionism is a personality trait that pushes us to an endless and relentless pursuit of our ideal selves. 

“What’s wrong with that?” 

To a certain extent … none.  But I think German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1950) was on point in her argument that in the process of striving for our ideal selves, we often forget ourselves.  That we [unconsciously] start telling ourselves: “Forget about who you are; this is how you SHOULD be. And to be this idealized self is all that matters.”  Hence, the birth of a tyrannical inner critic that dictates what we SHOULD be able to do and what we SHOULD be, how we SHOULD think, feel and act.  An inner voice that constantly demands that you SHOULD be able to endure everything, to understand everything, to like everybody, to be always productive. 

“A should represents a sort of bargain with ourselves and with the world. That is, if I behave in a certain way then things will work out well. Or, that if you do what you should do, then life will go more smoothly.”

-Katharine Brooks, Ed.D (2017) 

But the reality is, this bargain is something  WE CREATED – a form of magical thinking to feel better and in control of the situation. And while this bargain may soothe a part that feels the need to take action, it also creates an overwhelming pressure to carry out this task perfectly, as the success/failure becomes hinged on one particular moment, behavior, or action.    

Very basic and universal human needs for acceptance and recognition are usually the driving force behind these extreme demands on the self. And because perfectionistic beliefs and behaviors are such effective strategies to meet these needs – In fact, The Gift of Imperfection author Brené Brown (2010), explains that perfectionism is used by many people as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame – it is no wonder one easily falls into the trap of what Horney (1950) has coined “the tyranny of the shoulds” and we forget our real selves in pursuit of what we think we should be. And, in order to cope and survive, perfectionists have learned how to navigate the world like ducks – seemingly put together on the surface, but paddling like crazy underwater – mastering the art of having zero chill.  

The cost of Perfectionism 

I find perfectionism to be a very relatable topic for a lot of people. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that we live in a world where success and achievement is highly valued, rewarded, and sensationalized; and perfectionistic behaviors function so well in this modern world where perfection has become the norm.  It then makes a lot of sense that a lot of us have a perfectionist part, and more often than not, we actually like and celebrate these perfectionist parts. 

But, at what cost?

Maintaining a constant high level of performance can be physically and mentally draining

For one, perfectionists find it hard to relax and enjoy the present “imperfect” moments [ because let’s face it, life can be messy ].  They also invest so much of their time and energy in ‘making sure things turn out the way they should’; thus, tend to react strongly  [ and I mean, meltdown levels ] when things don’t go a certain way . Their bodys’ already-activated stress responses then get amplified, which in turn triggers the need to avoid this uncomfortable vulnerable feeling and reinforces the need to “prepare more and do better next time”. 

Perfectionistic behaviors can be damaging to relationships

Because, let’s face it, we’re not our best selves when we’re triggered, stressed, and overwhelmed. This makes managing perfectionist behaviors — like accepting a compromise on standards, becoming less demanding of others, forgiving mistakes —  extra challenging even for the most well-intentioned individuals. And so perfectionists often have strained relationships that stem from difficulties in relating with and trusting others; which often exacerbates feelings of isolation, and disconnection.

Perfectionism is linked to a number of mental health issues

Beyond feeding into the cyclical pattern of perfectionistic behaviors and thinking, these highly stressful situations, as well as relational issues have been seen to contribute to the development of different mental health issues like: eating disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), anxiety, and depression (University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, 2021).

What now?

Perfectionism can be a very tricky tricky thing to manage. 

On one hand, it has to do with rigid thinking patterns that have been with us throughout our lives; but, it also has to do with the purpose it has served and how it has gotten us through a lot of difficult times in the past. And I say, let’s honor this process and history.  Instead of trying to get rid of this perfectionist part, let’s choose to focus on getting to know this perfectionist part, and help it relax and quiet down a little. 

And so, I would offer the acronym R.A.I.N (Tara Brach, 2021) to guide you through this process – each step containing a curation of reflective questions and mindfulness practices adapted from PsychCentral’s Reflective Questions to Help You Quiet Your Inner Perfectionist [ which aims to help you explore your perfectionism, get to know what it’s about, what purpose it serves ], and Healthline’s Tips to Meditate When You’re a Perfectionist [ which aims to help you become more present and feel better about yourself ]. 

*Click on the hyperlinks to know more about these. 

“Self-compassion begins to naturally arise in the moments that we recognize we are suffering. It comes into fullness as we intentionally nurture our inner life with self-care. To do this, try to sense what the wounded, frightened or hurting place inside you most needs, and then offer some gesture of active care that might address this need.”

–  Tara Brach

R – Recognize What’s Going on

When we come to each practice with the mind of the beginner [a fresh perspective each time], there’s nothing to hold on to, push away, or grasp for. We’re simply sitting with whatever arises.

 – Shunryu Suzuki

  • What problems has perfectionism brought you?
  • Has perfectionism been helpful in any way?
  • How would your life be if you were less perfectionistic?
  • How do you feel about the possibility of becoming less perfectionistic?
A – Allow the Experience to be There, Just as It Is

When we try to let go of something but just can’t do it, it can make us feel worse. Instead, think about acceptance.

– Paige Rechtman, LMHC

  • How does it feel to allow your perfectionist part to be with you in this moment? Can you allow it to stay and not judge?
  • How does it feel to allow your inner critic to be with you in this moment? Can you allow it to stay and not judge?
  • How does it feel to allow for the sadness and stress that perfectionism might have caused? Can you allow it to stay and not judge?
  • How does it feel to allow for ambivalence & imperfection in this moment? Can you allow it to stay and not judge?
I – Investigate with Interest and Care

To investigate, call on your natural curiosity — the desire to know Truth — and direct a more focused attention to your present experience.

– Tara Brach

  • What, do you think, is your inner perfectionist afraid of?
  • What do you think your perfectionism is trying to protect you from?
  • What are you afraid will happen if you remove your perfectionism shield?
  • What do these vulnerable places want from you? What do they most need?
  • How can you respond to your inner perfectionists expectations, demands, and criticisms with understanding and compa
N – Nurture with Self-Compassion

Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. 

 – Tara Brach

  • Incorporate gratitude into your practice
    • Extend gratitude towards the journey that brought you here. 
    • Extend gratitude towards yourself for taking the time to work on your wellbeing.
    • Extend gratitude towards your different parts (ex. Anxious Part, Perfectionist Part, Logical Part) for catering to your needs before you were even fully aware of them. 
  • Practice radical acceptance using “I am” Statements
    • “I am exactly where I need to be”
    • “I am open to change“
    • “I am worthy. I am enough.”
  • Soothe your anxious parts using mantras.
    • It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay. 
    • “Good enough” is good enough.
    • I am human and cannot control everything. 

I can’t lie and say it’s going to be an easy road ahead.  While I can only talk about my own journey of befriending my own perfectionist part, the one thing I can say about it is that: It is, by large, a lot of coming to terms with being “enough”. That is, building a healthy respect for my limitations, at the same time deeply honoring my need to develop. 

Your journey might look and feel different, and it might take you down a different road than mine did [ and that’s totally okay ! ].  Let us celebrate the uniqueness of our individual experiences, but also find comfort in the common humanity of struggling and needing help once in a while. And if you find yourself resonating with this last statement, I would like to extend a proposition that therapy can be very helpful in making sense of and coming to terms with our past and present; and perhaps it would be something you’d like to consider — that is, to have someone journey with you and witness your story, as you have done for me today. 

Namasté. 

Sources: