“Don’t rock the boat.”
Most of us at some point in our lives have likely heard such an idiom as this or similar to this. These sayings point to a warning against causing trouble, disturbing the harmony of a situation, or causing distress to people around you. It is certainly true that keeping harmonious relationships in this way helps people around you to stay calm and happy. However, this sometimes comes at the cost of us not being able to speak our truth, or even do what matters to us the most. With repeated interactions along these lines, where expectations of harmony and smooth relationships are prioritized over being able to express oneself and one’s needs, some of us simply forget to or even become afraid to express ourselves. This apprehension includes one where we end up not knowing how to share how we feel.
However, it is important to both our wellbeing and for forming strong, deep, and genuine relationships for us to be able to share our how we feel. Fortunately, there is a known way, backed by research and practice, to share how we feel that is effective and recommended. To jump right into what we can use, let’s consider the following template:
“A while I noticed that we were in a situation where (describe the situation). When this happens, I feel (say the word for the emotion that you felt, with additional detail to what applies to you). I want (share what you want to happen). When we do this, (share how what you want to happen will benefit you and the person/people involved).”
The above statement is grounded on the pillar of Interpersonal Effectiveness, which in turn is one of the four pillars forwarded by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Specifically, it is derived from the technique named “DEAR MAN”, which is an acronym that summarizes a structured method of speaking with others in a balanced manner. Keeping in mind the principles of DEAR MAN help you share your feelings with respect while maintaining as much as possible the good relationships you have with whom you are speaking to. Additionally, under these principles. Being effective with sharing your feelings also means that you get to share the needs behind these feelings in a manner that is actionable by the people involved. To understand the template above much better, let’s look into what principles the letters in DEAR MAN stand for!
DESCRIBE
This principle means starting by clearly describing the situation using facts and/or what can be seen mostly by the five senses. It’s important that you don’t place your opinions, evaluations, and especially accusations at this point. By sticking to just describing, you reduce possible defensiveness or escalating things into an argument. It’s important as well to lean more towards “I” statements, rather than “you” statements if possible, meaning that you focus more on what you perceived using your senses rather than what someone did.
TIP: “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN pertains to what you say. While the “MAN” focuses more on the overall general stance (how you say it) when carrying out the “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN.
EXPRESS
After describing the situation, this principle is where you share how you felt when the situation you describe unfolded. It is important to speak this part out because it is often the case that people actually often don’t know how you feel, but we just assume that they do because you feel these emotions so concretely. However, people are not always aware of how you feel. For example, you can say something along the lines of, “Whenever this happens, I feel sad, and I feel as if I’m not important.” Notice how the statement still sticks with “I” wordings, emphasizing your own experience.
ASSERT
After sharing how you feel, assert your needs by plainly stating what you want to happen. It is understandable that asserting your needs might feel uncomfortable for you. However, it is important to know that expressing emotions effectively and respectfully needs to come with a conviction that being assertive is not being demanding or egotistical. Asserting your needs simply means that you are giving respect to yourself and the fact that your needs are valid.
To make carrying out this principle more effective, ensure that you state your request in a manner that can be simply understood by the person you are talking to.
REINFORCE
Reinforcing here means explaining how the outcome of what you want to happen is beneficial for you and the person/people involved. This portion is relevant because it demonstrates that you are being balanced in sharing what you want to happen. It also shows that you have expressed your needs with their interests and your relationship in mind.
Carrying out this principle also means declaring how important your relationship is to you, showing appreciation, asking what they think about your proposal, and expressing gratitude.
stay MINDFUL
The first of this is staying mindful of the conversation, your feelings and values, your request, as well as your internal state. This principle is relevant because it is certainly possible that the ensuing conversations drifts away from how you felt and what you want to happen.
When you talk about emotions, it is possible that the person you are talking to also becomes emotional in their own way. They can clam up, try to change the topic, be defensive, or even engage in personal attacks. Anchoring to the principle of Mindfulness means that after acknowledging these, that you remain calm and focused on your request, continuing to return to it if the conversation drifts away. For example, one thing you can say is “I understand, and we can talk about that after. But it’s better if we focus on one thing at a time; I want to finish talking about this first.”
APPEAR CONFIDENT
It is understandable that you might feel nervous about sharing about how you feel and what your needs are; after all, it can be something that you are not used to doing. Despite this, appearing confident can help the person/people you are talking to take you seriously. Appearing confident can be as simple as maintaining an even tone of voice, a neutral posture, eye contact, as well as refraining from apologizing about your requests and how you feel or felt.
NEGOTIATE
Finally, part of carrying out the principles of DEAR MAN, means understanding that you cannot always get what you exactly want in life. The “Negotiate” principle means allowing some flexibility in your request. When adjusting your request, make sure that your adjustment still adequately responds to your needs and how you felt in a balanced manner. Being balanced here means finding ways that you can resolve the conversation in a manner that leaves you and the person/people involved satisfied. Negotiating can also mean asking the person for their input on how the situation can be improved.
In closing, sharing your emotions effectively is a skill that you can get better on with repeated practice. Grounding yourself in the DEAR MAN technique and its principles ensures that you share your emotions in a manner that is balanced and respectful. It is also an effective means of sharing your emotions about a situation, as it opens the possibility of improving the situations and the relationship(s) you have with the person/people involved.
Remember: your needs, your voice, and how you feel are important. When you learn how to express yourself effectively, your relationships grow to be deeper, stronger, and more authentic.
We Thrive offers Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) individual therapy and skills group training. The DBT clinicians at We Thrive trained under the Linehan Institute/Behavior Tech. Contact us to learn more about DBT at We Thrive or sign-up for DBT skills group using this form.
References:
- Linehan, M. (2015). DBT skills training manual. The Guilford Press.
- McKay, M., Wood, J. C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
- Pederson, L. (2017). The expanded dialectical behavior therapy skills training manual,2nd edition: DBT for self-help and individual & group treatment settings. Pesi Publishing & Media.