June 2025 - We Thrive

The 5 Stages of Heartbreak (and how to survive them)

Heartbreak is inevitable. We try to avoid it, we fear it, but at some point, it is something we all experience. Whether it is the end of a romantic relationship, a breakup with a long-term partner, or the painful decision to file for separation/annulment/divorce, heartbreak is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience. The emotional toll can feel exhausting, leaving you wondering how you will ever move forward.

But here is the thing: while heartbreak can be a difficult and very emotional experience, it can also be a catalyst for healing and growth. Understanding the stages of heartbreak and learning how to navigate each one can help you find you overcome the pain and come out stronger.

In this post, we will dive into the stages of heartbreak, based on the Kübler-Ross model of grief, and explore how to manage your emotions as you move through each phase. Whether you are in the middle of a heartbreak or reflecting on one from the past, this article will offer
insights on how to cope, heal, and ultimately grow.

Denial

The first stage of heartbreak is denial, a natural response of the brain and a common defense mechanism that helps numb the overwhelming emotions triggered by a breakup. Denial provides a temporary emotional shield, giving you more time to adjust to the situation, slowly absorb your new reality, and begin to process the inevitable changes in your life.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

Trying to stay in touch with your ex as though you are still together to keep some form of normalcy
Forgetting that you were broken up and not sharing this news with your family and friends

Some coping strategies include:

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions
- Stop running away from them and allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Sometimes it is best to let everything out.
Acknowledge the breakup by sharing the news
- Sharing the news to your loved ones can serve as a starting point for moving on.
Avoid contacting your ex
- Staying in contact with your ex only makes it more difficult to move on. You will constantly have them in your mind, which will slow down the healing process.

Anger

The second stage of heartbreak is anger. While denial acts as a coping
mechanism, anger functions as a mask that conceals the deeper negative emotions and pain that often accompany a breakup, such as bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It allows you to channel those intense feelings outward, creating a sense of control over the emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

Feeling hurt
Blaming your ex for the breakup and carrying resentment towards them
Hoping for the worst for your ex

Some coping strategies include:

Sit with your anger and channel it elsewhere
- It is normal to feel angry in this situation. Sit on your anger even if its uncomfortable, then channel it elsewhere by exercising, listening to music, etc.
Avoid badmouthing your ex
- Eliminate all negative vibes by avoiding to talk about your ex’s negative traits and attributes. This will only make it more difficult to move on. Use these conversations to focus on rebuilding yourself and navigating the changes.

Bargaining

The third stage of heartbreak is bargaining. During this phase, we often negotiate with ourselves, and sometimes with our ex-partners, trying to find ways to change or fix things in order to restore the relationship. It is common to find yourself caught up in “what if”, as you desperately seek alternate scenarios where things could have turned out differently. This stage serves as a defense against the deeper emotions of grief, offering a temporary escape from the sadness, confusion, and pain.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

Feeling vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it is not uncommon to look for ways to regain control.
Wishing for another chance, reevaluating and negotiating relationship terms (friends with benefits, situationships, etc. ), and end up compromising your own personal values.
Seeking to compromise with your ex and promising change.

Some coping strategies include:

Always remember why you broke up
- It is inevitable to reminisce about your relationship and
  remember the good times you had together. When you start to
  think that they should be back in your life, remember the
  reasons as to why the relationship did not work out.
Remember your personal values
- Do not sacrifice the values that are important to you. You can
  build a meaningful relationship on your own terms with
  someone who shares those same values.

Depression

The fourth stage of heartbreak is depression. In this stage, you might find yourself more capable of confronting and processing your feelings. You may create your own opportunity to give yourself the space needed to deeply process the events and heal from the heartbreak. However, depression can be complex, messy, and profoundly difficult to navigate, which is why it is crucial to lean on loved ones and seek the support you need during this challenging time.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

Feeling overwhelmed, heavy, and confused
Feeling an overwhelming sadness and experiencing crying spells
Isolating yourself from friends and family
Feeling hopeless about the future

Some coping strategies include:

Practice self-care
- Take care of your mental health by practicing mindfullness,
  getting enough sleep, eating, and doing the things you love to
  do.
Reach out to loved ones
- Reach out to your friends and family for their support. They
  will be integral to your healing.
Find something that makes you happy
- Find something that makes you feel happy and relaxed to help
  you focus on the present moment.
Seek professional help if needed
- If you feel extremely overwhelmed and lost, it is a good idea to
  talk to a professional who can help you in navigating your loss
  and processing your feelings.

Acceptance and Healing

The final stage of heartbreak is acceptance and healing. Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you have completely moved past the loss. Rather, it signifies that you have come to terms with the breakup and have gained a deeper understanding of what it means in your life moving forward. You begin to integrate the feelings, experiences, lessons, and memories from the relationship, ultimately acknowledging that it has reached its natural end, and you find the strength to let go and gradually move forward.

References:

Gupta, S. (2024, February 9). From heartbreak to healing: Navigating the 7 stages of a breakup. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/from-heartbreak-to-healing-navigating-the-7-stages-of-a-breakup-8552187
Holland, K. (2024, September 30). The stages of grief: How to understand your feelings.
Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
Tyrell, P., Harberger, S., Schoo, C., & Siddiqui, W. (2025). Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief.

How DEAR MAN Helps us Share our Feelings Effectively

“Don’t rock the boat.”

Most of us at some point in our lives have likely heard such an idiom as this or similar to this. These sayings point to a warning against causing trouble, disturbing the harmony of a situation, or causing distress to people around you. It is certainly true that keeping harmonious relationships in this way helps people around you to stay calm and happy. However, this sometimes comes at the cost of us not being able to speak our truth, or even do what matters to us the most. With repeated interactions along these lines, where expectations of harmony and smooth relationships are prioritized over being able to express oneself and one’s needs, some of us simply forget to or even become afraid to express ourselves. This apprehension includes one where we end up not knowing how to share how we feel.

However, it is important to both our wellbeing and for forming strong, deep, and genuine relationships for us to be able to share our how we feel. Fortunately, there is a known way, backed by research and practice, to share how we feel that is effective and recommended. To jump right into what we can use, let’s consider the following template:

“A while I noticed that we were in a situation where (describe the situation). When this happens, I feel (say the word for the emotion that you felt, with additional detail to what applies to you). I want (share what you want to happen). When we do this, (share how what you want to happen will benefit you and the person/people involved).”

The above statement is grounded on the pillar of Interpersonal Effectiveness, which in turn is one of the four pillars forwarded by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Specifically, it is derived from the technique named “DEAR MAN”, which is an acronym that summarizes a structured method of speaking with others in a balanced manner. Keeping in mind the principles of DEAR MAN help you share your feelings with respect while maintaining as much as possible the good relationships you have with whom you are speaking to. Additionally, under these principles. Being effective with sharing your feelings also means that you get to share the needs behind these feelings in a manner that is actionable by the people involved. To understand the template above much better, let’s look into what principles the letters in DEAR MAN stand for!

DESCRIBE

This principle means starting by clearly describing the situation using facts and/or what can be seen mostly by the five senses. It’s important that you don’t place your opinions, evaluations, and especially accusations at this point. By sticking to just describing, you reduce possible defensiveness or escalating things into an argument. It’s important as well to lean more towards “I” statements, rather than “you” statements if possible, meaning that you focus more on what you perceived using your senses rather than what someone did.

TIP: “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN pertains to what you say. While the “MAN” focuses more on the overall general stance (how you say it) when carrying out the “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN.

EXPRESS

After describing the situation, this principle is where you share how you felt when the situation you describe unfolded. It is important to speak this part out because it is often the case that people actually often don’t know how you feel, but we just assume that they do because you feel these emotions so concretely. However, people are not always aware of how you feel. For example, you can say something along the lines of, “Whenever this happens, I feel sad, and I feel as if I’m not important.” Notice how the statement still sticks with “I” wordings, emphasizing your own experience.

ASSERT

After sharing how you feel, assert your needs by plainly stating what you want to happen. It is understandable that asserting your needs might feel uncomfortable for you. However, it is important to know that expressing emotions effectively and respectfully needs to come with a conviction that being assertive is not being demanding or egotistical. Asserting your needs simply means that you are giving respect to yourself and the fact that your needs are valid.

To make carrying out this principle more effective, ensure that you state your request in a manner that can be simply understood by the person you are talking to.

REINFORCE

Reinforcing here means explaining how the outcome of what you want to happen is beneficial for you and the person/people involved. This portion is relevant because it demonstrates that you are being balanced in sharing what you want to happen. It also shows that you have expressed your needs with their interests and your relationship in mind.

Carrying out this principle also means declaring how important your relationship is to you, showing appreciation, asking what they think about your proposal, and expressing gratitude.

stay MINDFUL

The first of this is staying mindful of the conversation, your feelings and values, your request, as well as your internal state. This principle is relevant because it is certainly possible that the ensuing conversations drifts away from how you felt and what you want to happen.

When you talk about emotions, it is possible that the person you are talking to also becomes emotional in their own way. They can clam up, try to change the topic, be defensive, or even engage in personal attacks. Anchoring to the principle of Mindfulness means that after acknowledging these, that you remain calm and focused on your request, continuing to return to it if the conversation drifts away. For example, one thing you can say is “I understand, and we can talk about that after. But it’s better if we focus on one thing at a time; I want to finish talking about this first.”

APPEAR CONFIDENT

It is understandable that you might feel nervous about sharing about how you feel and what your needs are; after all, it can be something that you are not used to doing. Despite this, appearing confident can help the person/people you are talking to take you seriously. Appearing confident can be as simple as maintaining an even tone of voice, a neutral posture, eye contact, as well as refraining from apologizing about your requests and how you feel or felt.

NEGOTIATE

Finally, part of carrying out the principles of DEAR MAN, means understanding that you cannot always get what you exactly want in life. The “Negotiate” principle means allowing some flexibility in your request. When adjusting your request, make sure that your adjustment still adequately responds to your needs and how you felt in a balanced manner. Being balanced here means finding ways that you can resolve the conversation in a manner that leaves you and the person/people involved satisfied. Negotiating can also mean asking the person for their input on how the situation can be improved.

In closing, sharing your emotions effectively is a skill that you can get better on with repeated practice. Grounding yourself in the DEAR MAN technique and its principles ensures that you share your emotions in a manner that is balanced and respectful. It is also an effective means of sharing your emotions about a situation, as it opens the possibility of improving the situations and the relationship(s) you have with the person/people involved.

Remember: your needs, your voice, and how you feel are important. When you learn how to express yourself effectively, your relationships grow to be deeper, stronger, and more authentic.

We Thrive offers Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) individual therapy and skills group training. The DBT clinicians at We Thrive trained under the Linehan Institute/Behavior Tech. Contact us to learn more about DBT at We Thrive or sign-up for DBT skills group using this form.

References:

Linehan, M. (2015). DBT skills training manual. The Guilford Press.
McKay, M., Wood, J. C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Pederson, L. (2017). The expanded dialectical behavior therapy skills training manual,2nd edition: DBT for self-help and individual & group treatment settings. Pesi Publishing & Media.