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Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

A Psychological Guide For Becoming A Better Jowa

jowa

In The Art of Loving, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm shared his thoughts on what we could be doing

better in our romantic relationships. Long story short, according to him, lots of us are getting the whole “love” thing wrong right off the bat. Many of us are enthralled by the initial stages of meeting someone and falling for them. The thrill of falling for someone new can overwhelm us to the point of forgetting that after the golden honeymoon period, there’s a lifetime together ahead of you left to face. Novelty fades quickly, forcing many of us to confront the truth: that the experience of love is made of 5% excitement and 95% hard work and commitment to making things last with another person and all of their hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities. 

Fromm believed in seeing love not as a strong emotion, but rather a skill.

He described it as the most noble of all pursuits, often let down by the common mistake that the intensity of falling in love is enough to sustain a lifetime of loving. Fortunately, like all skills, we can get better at it! While becoming a better lover would require a lifetime of dedication to the craft, a good place to start might be getting acquainted with the elements in Fromm’s model: care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge. 

1. Care – Am I doing what’s best for my partner?

  • Maybe the most basic element of love is care, or the active concern for the wellbeing of our beloved. Also known as compassionate love, care involves an empathic and willful choice to work towards enriching your partner’s life through your presence and actions, regardless of whether or not we get anything in return. In fact, some argue that care is most evident in the situations where we choose to do the best thing for our partners even when it makes things harder for us or causes us inconvenience. 
  • Rather than the grand, passionate displays of affection that we often see depicted in movies or posted by couples a little too comfortable with PDA, the ways in which we practice care can be quiet and subtle, but consistent. These aren’t necessarily the big moves we take to make someone swoon, but the little things we fill their days with in order to let them know that they’re safe with us. 
  • Buying your partner their favorite treat after they’ve had a rough day, offering to do the dishes or bring the kids to school, or even just spending quality time with them are a few ways we can demonstrate care.  

2. Responsibility – Am I really here in sickness and in health? 

  • Another core pillar of any long-lasting partnership is responsibility, the acknowledgement that caring for your partner is actually part of your ongoing duty to them as part of your choice to be involved in their life and wellbeing. We tend to think of responsibility as culpability or fault for past acts, but responsibility as it pertains to love is about our openness to respond to our partner’s needs, wants, hopes, dreams, pains, and whatever other twists and turns come about as part of our choice to be involved in someone else’s life. Signing up to be someone’s jowa means signing up for candlelit dinners, romantic vacations, and coming home to someone who loves you, yes, but it also means signing up for the possibility of taking them to the hospital at 2 in the morning or picking them up from NAIA during rush hour 5 years down the line. 
  • Despite the risks and despite the uncertainty, despite the possibility that they might become “too much” for us one day, do we still choose them? Will we do our best to handle everything that comes our way as a result of being in each other’s lives? Do we accept love as toil and effort and a lifetime of work? To say yes to all of these things every day without resentment, even on the hardest days, is the essence of responsibility.

3. Respect – Am I whole enough to take them as they are? 

  • However, responsibility can quickly devolve into control when we don’t temper it with respect. This is the acknowledgement that your partner was their own person before you came into each other’s lives, with their own goals and their own path to walk in life, and that they will continue to be that person even after you get together. People can change, and people can always be better than they are today, but respecting someone means letting them discover who they’re meant to be for themselves and not imposing who we think they should be on them. 
  • Fromm notes that this kind of exploitation-free respect can only be possible when we are independent, or whole and healed enough that we do not need to lean on someone else and force them to be that missing piece of us that we’re looking for. Respecting someone means trying your best to see the person in front of you and love them for who they are, not for how well they fulfill your fantasies of a missing piece that completes you.

4. Knowledge – Do I even truly know the person I spend so much time with?

  • When was the last time you tried to learn something new and important about your partner? Odds are, past the first few dates, many of us might not keep making an effort to keep finding out new things about the person we’re with, even though there’s an infinite amount of things to keep discovering about someone else. 
  • Lastly, everything we’ve talked about so far falls completely flat if we don’t even know the person we’ve decided to commit to. How can we say we really respect, take responsibility for, and care for someone when we might not be able to tell the difference between who they are at their core and an idea of them doesn’t really represent them accurately? 
  • Getting to know your partner doesn’t have to involve a serious sit-down or an impromptu therapy session, of course! We can take a few small steps in our day to day interactions with them to get to know them better. Examples are: being more mindful and present when we’re just spending time with them or talking to them, asking small questions with genuine curiosity to understand their perspectives better, or planning date nights with novel activities that help you see each other in situations you’ve never been in before.

References:

  • Cowley, C. (2021). Love, Choice, and Taking Responsibility. In New Philosophical Essays on Love and Loving (pp. 87-100). Cham: Springer International Publishing. 
  • Fehr, B., Harasymchuk, C., & Sprecher, S. (2014). Compassionate love in romantic relationships: A review and some new findings. Journal of Social and PersonalRelationships, 31(5), 575-600. 
  • Fromm, E. (2000). The art of loving: The centennial edition. A&C Black. Hendrick, C., Hendrick, S. S., & Zacchilli, T. L. (2011). Respect and love in romantic relationships. Acta de investigación psicológica, 1(2), 316-329. 
  • Smith, K. (2020). Erich Fromm’s’ The Art of Loving’: An existential, psychodynamic, andtheological critique (Doctoral dissertation, University of Glasgow).
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

“Uy! Usap Tayo: How to Spot Healthy and Toxic Communication in Relationships”

communication

Ever walked away from a conversation feeling lighter, heard, and understood—like the connection between you and the other person just clicked? On the flip side, have you ever left an interaction feeling drained, confused, or doubting yourself? Communication isn’t just about words; it shapes how we build (or break) trust, emotional safety, and connection.

In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships—the way we communicate determines whether bonds deepen or fray. In Filipino culture, where pamilya first is the norm, values like pakikisama (getting along with others), respect for elders, and keeping the peace often dictate how we talk to each other. But what happens when these values lead to avoidance, where the “bahala na” (a “let it be” or “whatever”) attitude or the dreaded “Basta sundin mo na lang” (Just follow) mindset seeps in? it makes communication difficult, and toxic patterns—like passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, or emotional suppression—take root.

So how do we tell if we’re engaging in healthy or toxic communication? Let’s decode it together.

What Healthy Communication Looks Like

Healthy relationships don’t mean zero conflicts—they mean handling disagreements in a way that strengthens the bond rather than eroding it. Think of Ethan and Joy in Hello, Love, Goodbye—they had honest conversations about personal dreams and compromise, rather than resorting to manipulation or avoidance. Healthy communication can also manifest in other ways:

1. Open & Honest Expression

In a healthy relationship, both people feel safe sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or backlash. Transparency fosters trust. One way to do this? Use “I” statements instead of accusations. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed when responsibilities aren’t discussed beforehand” is much more productive than “You never help around the house.” The first invites a conversation, while the second invites defensiveness.

2. Active Listening & Validation

Feeling heard is one of the biggest indicators of a strong relationship. This means listening without interrupting, truly trying to understand the other person’s perspective, and showing that you care. Simple phrases like “I get why that upset you” or “That makes sense” go a long way. Plus, nonverbal cues—eye contact, nodding, mirroring body language—matter just as much as words. In fact, research suggests that 60-70% of our communication is nonverbal!

3. Conflict as opportunities for Collaboration

Arguments happen, but healthy couples see them as challenges to tackle together rather than battles to win. Some strategies they use:

  • Pausing before reacting – Taking a time-out when emotions run high to prevent saying something regrettable.
  • Focusing on solutions – Discussing behaviors instead of attacking character (e.g., “Can we split chores more evenly?” instead of “You’re so lazy.”)
  • Compromising – Finding a middle ground so that both people feel valued.

4. Emotional Support & Empathy

Empathy is the glue of strong relationships. Instead of dismissing feelings (“You’re overreacting”), validating them (“That sounds tough. How can I help?”) strengthens connection. Dr. Helen Riess, a renowned psychiatrist who has dedicated her life to understanding empathy, suggests using the E.M.P.A.T.H.Y. mnemonic to boost empathic capacity: Eye Contact, Muscles of Facial Expression, Posture, Affect, Tone of Voice, Hear the Whole Person, and Your Response—to deepen emotional understanding.

5. Actions Matching Words

In healthy relationships, verbal and nonverbal communication align. If someone says, “I love you,” but their actions consistently show indifference, the words lose meaning. Little things—like reaching for a partner’s hand during an apology—can reinforce sincerity and deepen trust. And touch, when consensual, also plays a role in healthy relationships, as it triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone known to promote bonding and reduce stress hormones like cortisol.

So, what happens when things take a different turn? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, our conversations can slip into toxic patterns, gradually eroding trust and emotional safety. Recognizing these patterns help because what starts as minor miscommunication can build into long-term hurt.

What Toxic Communication Looks Like

It doesn’t always start with shouting or outright cruelty—it’s often subtle at first. Think about classic Filipino teleseryes where jealousy is mistaken for love, like when a character demands, “Bakit mo siya tinitingnan? Ako lang dapat!” (“Why are you looking at them? You should only look at me!”) or manipulate their partner by threatening to leave just to test their devotion. Over time, these patterns can create emotional wounds that are hard to heal. Here are some red flags to look out for:

1. Verbal Aggression & Contempt

Sarcasm, insults, and eye-rolling may seem minor, but they’re serious indicators of toxicity. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman found that contempt—things like mockery or belittling—is the strongest predictor of divorce. Why? Because it conveys superiority rather than respect.

2. Gaslighting & Manipulation

Gaslighting is when someone distorts reality to make you doubt your own perceptions. If you often hear phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “That never happened,” it might not just be a misunderstanding—it could be manipulation. Over time, this kind of behavior erodes confidence and can make a person feel like they’re losing their sense of self.

3. Stonewalling & Avoidance

Stonewalling—shutting down or withdrawing from conversations—is a common defense mechanism, but it’s also a relationship killer. While taking space to cool off is healthy, completely avoiding discussions creates an emotional void that leads to unresolved resentment.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Instead of openly addressing issues, toxic communication often involves backhanded comments, silent treatment, or subtle jabs. For example, “Nice of you to finally show up” instead of directly saying, “I was hurt when you were late.” These behaviors create tension and prevent honest dialogue.

5. Contradictory Nonverbal Cues

Mixed signals—like saying “I’m fine” while slamming doors—can be incredibly confusing. Aggressive gestures, turning away, or using a dismissive tone can speak louder than words and often indicate underlying hostility.

Having a hard time thinking about where your relationship stands? Here is a visual example that can help you determine the nature of how you communicate. Try to think about a pH Scale but for human communication.

First, let’s go way back—back to the basics of chemistry. One of the first things we learned was the pH scale, which measures how acidic or basic a substance is.

The more acidic something is, the more likely it is to burn. Strong acids can cause damage—it’s painful on the skin, stinging in the eyes.

But what does this have to do with the way we communicate?

People often talk about how conversations can be “too negative” or how we should be “more positive.” It sometimes feels like we measure communication on a scale like this:

More positive = better. But that’s not always true. If we go back to chemistry, highly basic substances can burn just as much as acids. In other words, if we only judge communication as either “positive” or “negative,” we miss the bigger picture.

But if we factor in HONESTY, the picture becomes clearer. Let’s use the following as examples:

  • Cruel lies – These are obviously harmful. Luckily, they don’t happen too often in direct conversations.
  • Toxic positivity – This one is trickier. It sounds nice, but it dismisses real struggles. Think of phrases like “Everything happens for a reason!” or “Bahala na!”  While well-meaning, these statements can make people feel unheard rather than comforted.
  • Brutal honesty – This is another extreme. It values truth but at the cost of kindness. Sometimes, people justify hurtful words by saying, “I’m just being honest.” But honesty without compassion can be just as damaging as a lie.

Both toxic positivity and brutal honesty shut down meaningful conversations before they even begin. Hence, finding the Balanced pH is key!

In chemistry, a balanced pH would fall between 6 and 8—not too acidic, not too basic. In communication, we should aim for the same balance. It can manifest in these ways:

  • Be honest, but with empathy.
  • Be positive, but without dismissing reality.
  • Listen, not just speak.

In the end, balanced communication isn’t just about being positive or negative (healthy or toxic)—it’s about being real while still being kind. And being aware of these patterns are equally important because the way we communicate doesn’t only impact our relationships—it affects our mental well-being too. Remember, healthy communication strengthens emotional resilience, reduces stress, and boosts overall life satisfaction and well being. While toxic communication triggers chronic stress responses in the brain, increasing anxiety, depression, and even symptoms similar to PTSD.

So when we prioritize healthy dialogue, we foster deeper connections, trust, and emotional security. But when toxic communication takes hold, it creates cycles of harm that can be tough to break. To be honest, it does sound daunting and possibly exhausting to constantly keep this in check.The good news? Every conversation is a chance to do better.

Even Millennials and Gen Z-ers are growing with this mindset in hand—choosing open dialogue over the old “tiisin mo na lang” (just endure it) mentality. Whether that means pausing before reacting, listening more attentively, or setting firmer boundaries, small shifts in communication can lead to massive changes in our relationships. Because in the end, the quality of our conversations is the quality of our connections.

So, what kind of conversations do you want to have?

References:

Categories
Blog General Wellbeing Practices

The 5 Stages of Heartbreak (and how to survive them)

heartbreak

Heartbreak is inevitable. We try to avoid it, we fear it, but at some point, it is something we all experience. Whether it is the end of a romantic relationship, a breakup with a long-term partner, or the painful decision to file for separation/annulment/divorce, heartbreak is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience. The emotional toll can feel exhausting, leaving you wondering how you will ever move forward.

But here is the thing: while heartbreak can be a difficult and very emotional experience, it can also be a catalyst for healing and growth. Understanding the stages of heartbreak and learning how to navigate each one can help you find you overcome the pain and come out stronger.

In this post, we will dive into the stages of heartbreak, based on the Kübler-Ross model of grief, and explore how to manage your emotions as you move through each phase. Whether you are in the middle of a heartbreak or reflecting on one from the past, this article will offer
insights on how to cope, heal, and ultimately grow.

Denial

The first stage of heartbreak is denial, a natural response of the brain and a common defense mechanism that helps numb the overwhelming emotions triggered by a breakup. Denial provides a temporary emotional shield, giving you more time to adjust to the situation, slowly absorb your new reality, and begin to process the inevitable changes in your life.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Trying to stay in touch with your ex as though you are still together to keep some form of normalcy
  • Forgetting that you were broken up and not sharing this news with your family and friends

Some coping strategies include:

  • Allow yourself to feel all the emotions
    • Stop running away from them and allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Sometimes it is best to let everything out.
  • Acknowledge the breakup by sharing the news
    • Sharing the news to your loved ones can serve as a starting point for moving on.
  • Avoid contacting your ex
    • Staying in contact with your ex only makes it more difficult to move on. You will constantly have them in your mind, which will slow down the healing process.

Anger

The second stage of heartbreak is anger. While denial acts as a coping
mechanism, anger functions as a mask that conceals the deeper negative emotions and pain that often accompany a breakup, such as bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It allows you to channel those intense feelings outward, creating a sense of control over the emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling hurt
  • Blaming your ex for the breakup and carrying resentment towards them
  • Hoping for the worst for your ex

Some coping strategies include:

  • Sit with your anger and channel it elsewhere
    • It is normal to feel angry in this situation. Sit on your anger even if its uncomfortable, then channel it elsewhere by exercising, listening to music, etc.
  • Avoid badmouthing your ex
    • Eliminate all negative vibes by avoiding to talk about your ex’s negative traits and attributes. This will only make it more difficult to move on. Use these conversations to focus on rebuilding yourself and navigating the changes.

Bargaining

The third stage of heartbreak is bargaining. During this phase, we often negotiate with ourselves, and sometimes with our ex-partners, trying to find ways to change or fix things in order to restore the relationship. It is common to find yourself caught up in “what if”, as you desperately seek alternate scenarios where things could have turned out differently. This stage serves as a defense against the deeper emotions of grief, offering a temporary escape from the sadness, confusion, and pain.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it is not uncommon to look for ways to regain control.
  • Wishing for another chance, reevaluating and negotiating relationship terms (friends with benefits, situationships, etc. ), and end up compromising your own personal values.
  • Seeking to compromise with your ex and promising change.

Some coping strategies include:

  • Always remember why you broke up
    • It is inevitable to reminisce about your relationship and
      remember the good times you had together. When you start to
      think that they should be back in your life, remember the
      reasons as to why the relationship did not work out.
  • Remember your personal values
    • Do not sacrifice the values that are important to you. You can
      build a meaningful relationship on your own terms with
      someone who shares those same values.

Depression

The fourth stage of heartbreak is depression. In this stage, you might find yourself more capable of confronting and processing your feelings. You may create your own opportunity to give yourself the space needed to deeply process the events and heal from the heartbreak. However, depression can be complex, messy, and profoundly difficult to navigate, which is why it is crucial to lean on loved ones and seek the support you need during this challenging time.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling overwhelmed, heavy, and confused
  • Feeling an overwhelming sadness and experiencing crying spells
  • Isolating yourself from friends and family
  • Feeling hopeless about the future

Some coping strategies include:

  • Practice self-care
    • Take care of your mental health by practicing mindfullness,
      getting enough sleep, eating, and doing the things you love to
      do.
  • Reach out to loved ones
    • Reach out to your friends and family for their support. They
      will be integral to your healing.
  • Find something that makes you happy
    • Find something that makes you feel happy and relaxed to help
      you focus on the present moment.
  • Seek professional help if needed
    • If you feel extremely overwhelmed and lost, it is a good idea to
      talk to a professional who can help you in navigating your loss
      and processing your feelings.

Acceptance and Healing

The final stage of heartbreak is acceptance and healing. Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you have completely moved past the loss. Rather, it signifies that you have come to terms with the breakup and have gained a deeper understanding of what it means in your life moving forward. You begin to integrate the feelings, experiences, lessons, and memories from the relationship, ultimately acknowledging that it has reached its natural end, and you find the strength to let go and gradually move forward.

References:

  • Gupta, S. (2024, February 9). From heartbreak to healing: Navigating the 7 stages of a breakup. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/from-heartbreak-to-healing-navigating-the-7-stages-of-a-breakup-8552187
  • Holland, K. (2024, September 30). The stages of grief: How to understand your feelings.
  • Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
  • Tyrell, P., Harberger, S., Schoo, C., & Siddiqui, W. (2025). Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief.