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Month: July 2025

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Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Embracing Self-Love During Challenging Times

self-love

During these past months, endless and unexpected challenges have been coming my way which have been leaving me feeling drained and helpless. As a result, I have been finding myself experiencing difficult times in reaching the different goals I have for myself. Through these feelings of heaviness and sadness that comes with it, I started to ask myself more often – “Why has it been so hard for myself to fully enjoy, be present, and show more love and compassion to others and to my different encounters in life?”

After much reflection, I’ve realized that the multiple hats that I’ve been having to wear have led to my personal or internal cup reaching its empty state. Feelings of overwhelm and helplessness have been consuming me due to not only my many hats of work tasks as a preschool teacher, fulfilling my numerous tasks as a Masters student, and adjusting to my long list of chores or tasks since I’ve recently shifted to a more independent living setup, but more importantly, through using my free time to empty my cup even more by engaging in unproductive thoughts, decisions, and encounters for myself.  As a result, I’d find myself beginning my days with an even more drained state. With this, I started to ask myself another question of – “Why do I keep on feeling drained and helpless?”

Coincidentally, I’ve stumbled upon a simple saying online that goes, “You can’t pour from an empty”. After reading this saying, I immediately found myself resonating with it and the saying slowly opened my mind and heart to a more hopeful and promising path to embark on to finally recharge my cup for each day as I tread this challenging season of my life. This current path that I’ve discovered and am excited to tread on consists of embracing self-love more fully and intentionally. As I am currently walking on the earlier parts of this path of embracing self-love, I am glad to share that I have slowly been experiencing more personal improvements in dealing with my multiple hats this season of my life. 

To hopefully inspire or also open more minds and hearts of people who are going through similar experiences in their journeys in life, here are 7 stepping stones that I’d love to share with all of you since they have not only helped me embrace self-love but have also been filling up my cup even more each day – 

Seven stepping stones to fully embracing self-love:

1. Setting healthy boundaries

As the saying goes, “You can’t practice self- love properly if you are constantly giving to others and running on an empty cup.”, I am slowly learning to say no to the things that may eventually drain my cup at the end of the day, or any part of the day. Examples of this may look like saying no to an outing with friends after a day of heavy work tasks and class requirements. Easier said than done for me because I’d also find myself wanting to please others (as guilty of being a people pleaser) instead of disappointing them by saying no. However, I’ve learned that we can’t always control other people’s thoughts about us, and what we can only control are our own thoughts, and we should focus more on our own well-being, especially if we are already in a “low-battery” state. And again, how will we even be able to fully attune to others as we are at a current state where we can’t anymore attune to our own selves. Or again, as the saying goes, “How can you pour from an empty cup.” So in setting these healthy boundaries for myself, I have recently learned the impact of choosing ourselves AND sitting with the discomfort that may come with it afterwards, and surprisingly I’ve learned how it was all worth it as I am able to fully attend to myself more, to other people’s needs or to give them a more compassionate and genuine space to be in, and to also attend to my many tasks more fully and effectively. 

2. Practicing Mindfulness

This second stone for me looks like engaging in different encounters that simply leads me back to my senses such as journaling, taking nature walks, and engaging in different breathing exercises. I have noticed how impactful these different practices of mindfulness have been for me in slowly choosing myself and embracing self- love, too. A helpful tip that I’d like to share is to include these different mindfulness experiences in your daily routines as often as possible. But also remember that each is to their own, as it truly depends on each one of you to find your own way of including these mindfulness practices in your own routines as often as possible. And find which way works best for you. 

3. Getting any kind of physical exercise

In relation to mindfulness, I’ve realized how a simple task of completing my chores such as mopping the floor of my condominium can help me process my thoughts and personal obstacles more intentionally and effectively. A recent physical exercise I’ve also been trying out is taking a 30- or 15-minute walk around my neighborhood after my work to help me calm myself down after a long day of work and class in order to help me better prepare myself to plan more effectively and recharge for the next day. Doing this more often has helped me balance the many tasks on my plate more effectively as I am able to become more fully aware and give more attention to all the concerns and the different hats I play in a day. Another helpful tip would be to write all these new mental insights gained after a successful physical exercise or task on a paper or notebook so that you are hopefully able to become more proactive on these plans for your succeeding days. 

4. Letting go of perfectionism

Growing up as a perfectionist, I would find myself being hard on myself after experiencing regrets or “should have” moments in my day. As a result, I would find myself draining my energy in negative thoughts. As a result of this, I’m slowly learning to choose to let go of my tendencies and thoughts of perfectionism to allow myself to slowly accept what has happened, move on from it, and look forward to new insights gained from the experience. Letting go of my perfectionism tendencies have positively impacted my mental health as it has slowly allowed me to become more patient and understanding of myself and others, too.

5. Watching my self-talk

After choosing to let go of my perfectionism tendencies, I have also learned the importance of consciously choosing positive self-talk, such as telling myself, “It’s okay to feel disappointed. These things happen…What can we do better next time?”, has been helping me feel heard, validated, and motivated to slowly move forward and learn from my experiences during the different and unexpected hurdles I would face each day.

6. Getting in touch with my interests and passions

As we are all faced with unexpected challenges each day, I’ve learned how helpful it has been for me to always go back to my “whys” or my passions in life that have been giving me purpose and strength to keep on moving forward. Going back to my interests, passions, or our sources of strengths has been a big help for me in effectively navigating my thoughts and actions in my daily encounters. 

7. Seeking help

The seventh stepping stone is seeking help. It truly is a big help on our part to constantly remind ourselves that we can only take so much and that it is okay to ask or reach out for help, no matter what they are and in what way these acts of seeking help may be. These ways of seeking help may look like reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and opening up to them about our troubles. Or this may also look like seeking professional help to better help ourselves find more effective ways to navigate the different parts and experiences we experience each day. I’d like to end this seventh stepping stone with a saying from my current favorite book,

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the Boy, “Help. Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give up,” the Horse replied. 

“The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy

With all these 7 stepping stones, I hope that in a way, these may help you slowly fill up your own internal cups and energize yourselves with more self-love practices and decisions more often during the various challenges we are all experiencing each day. But also, feel free to take baby steps in trying out these 7 stepping stones, and again, choose which way works best for you in easily bringing yourselves closer to decisions and actions of embracing self-love more fully, intentionally, and regularly. 

References:

  • Beyondpress. (2024, June 28). The Power of Self-Love During Tough Times – PACIFIC MIND HEALTH. Pacific Mind Health. https://pacificmindhealth.com/the-power-of-self-love-during-tough-times/
  • Dillard-Wright, D. B., PhD. (2020, October 7). Caring for yourself can make the world a better place. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/boundless/202010/self-love-in-difficult-times


Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

“Uy! Usap Tayo: How to Spot Healthy and Toxic Communication in Relationships”

communication

Ever walked away from a conversation feeling lighter, heard, and understood—like the connection between you and the other person just clicked? On the flip side, have you ever left an interaction feeling drained, confused, or doubting yourself? Communication isn’t just about words; it shapes how we build (or break) trust, emotional safety, and connection.

In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships—the way we communicate determines whether bonds deepen or fray. In Filipino culture, where pamilya first is the norm, values like pakikisama (getting along with others), respect for elders, and keeping the peace often dictate how we talk to each other. But what happens when these values lead to avoidance, where the “bahala na” (a “let it be” or “whatever”) attitude or the dreaded “Basta sundin mo na lang” (Just follow) mindset seeps in? it makes communication difficult, and toxic patterns—like passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, or emotional suppression—take root.

So how do we tell if we’re engaging in healthy or toxic communication? Let’s decode it together.

What Healthy Communication Looks Like

Healthy relationships don’t mean zero conflicts—they mean handling disagreements in a way that strengthens the bond rather than eroding it. Think of Ethan and Joy in Hello, Love, Goodbye—they had honest conversations about personal dreams and compromise, rather than resorting to manipulation or avoidance. Healthy communication can also manifest in other ways:

1. Open & Honest Expression

In a healthy relationship, both people feel safe sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or backlash. Transparency fosters trust. One way to do this? Use “I” statements instead of accusations. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed when responsibilities aren’t discussed beforehand” is much more productive than “You never help around the house.” The first invites a conversation, while the second invites defensiveness.

2. Active Listening & Validation

Feeling heard is one of the biggest indicators of a strong relationship. This means listening without interrupting, truly trying to understand the other person’s perspective, and showing that you care. Simple phrases like “I get why that upset you” or “That makes sense” go a long way. Plus, nonverbal cues—eye contact, nodding, mirroring body language—matter just as much as words. In fact, research suggests that 60-70% of our communication is nonverbal!

3. Conflict as opportunities for Collaboration

Arguments happen, but healthy couples see them as challenges to tackle together rather than battles to win. Some strategies they use:

  • Pausing before reacting – Taking a time-out when emotions run high to prevent saying something regrettable.
  • Focusing on solutions – Discussing behaviors instead of attacking character (e.g., “Can we split chores more evenly?” instead of “You’re so lazy.”)
  • Compromising – Finding a middle ground so that both people feel valued.

4. Emotional Support & Empathy

Empathy is the glue of strong relationships. Instead of dismissing feelings (“You’re overreacting”), validating them (“That sounds tough. How can I help?”) strengthens connection. Dr. Helen Riess, a renowned psychiatrist who has dedicated her life to understanding empathy, suggests using the E.M.P.A.T.H.Y. mnemonic to boost empathic capacity: Eye Contact, Muscles of Facial Expression, Posture, Affect, Tone of Voice, Hear the Whole Person, and Your Response—to deepen emotional understanding.

5. Actions Matching Words

In healthy relationships, verbal and nonverbal communication align. If someone says, “I love you,” but their actions consistently show indifference, the words lose meaning. Little things—like reaching for a partner’s hand during an apology—can reinforce sincerity and deepen trust. And touch, when consensual, also plays a role in healthy relationships, as it triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone known to promote bonding and reduce stress hormones like cortisol.

So, what happens when things take a different turn? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, our conversations can slip into toxic patterns, gradually eroding trust and emotional safety. Recognizing these patterns help because what starts as minor miscommunication can build into long-term hurt.

What Toxic Communication Looks Like

It doesn’t always start with shouting or outright cruelty—it’s often subtle at first. Think about classic Filipino teleseryes where jealousy is mistaken for love, like when a character demands, “Bakit mo siya tinitingnan? Ako lang dapat!” (“Why are you looking at them? You should only look at me!”) or manipulate their partner by threatening to leave just to test their devotion. Over time, these patterns can create emotional wounds that are hard to heal. Here are some red flags to look out for:

1. Verbal Aggression & Contempt

Sarcasm, insults, and eye-rolling may seem minor, but they’re serious indicators of toxicity. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman found that contempt—things like mockery or belittling—is the strongest predictor of divorce. Why? Because it conveys superiority rather than respect.

2. Gaslighting & Manipulation

Gaslighting is when someone distorts reality to make you doubt your own perceptions. If you often hear phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “That never happened,” it might not just be a misunderstanding—it could be manipulation. Over time, this kind of behavior erodes confidence and can make a person feel like they’re losing their sense of self.

3. Stonewalling & Avoidance

Stonewalling—shutting down or withdrawing from conversations—is a common defense mechanism, but it’s also a relationship killer. While taking space to cool off is healthy, completely avoiding discussions creates an emotional void that leads to unresolved resentment.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Instead of openly addressing issues, toxic communication often involves backhanded comments, silent treatment, or subtle jabs. For example, “Nice of you to finally show up” instead of directly saying, “I was hurt when you were late.” These behaviors create tension and prevent honest dialogue.

5. Contradictory Nonverbal Cues

Mixed signals—like saying “I’m fine” while slamming doors—can be incredibly confusing. Aggressive gestures, turning away, or using a dismissive tone can speak louder than words and often indicate underlying hostility.

Having a hard time thinking about where your relationship stands? Here is a visual example that can help you determine the nature of how you communicate. Try to think about a pH Scale but for human communication.

First, let’s go way back—back to the basics of chemistry. One of the first things we learned was the pH scale, which measures how acidic or basic a substance is.

The more acidic something is, the more likely it is to burn. Strong acids can cause damage—it’s painful on the skin, stinging in the eyes.

But what does this have to do with the way we communicate?

People often talk about how conversations can be “too negative” or how we should be “more positive.” It sometimes feels like we measure communication on a scale like this:

More positive = better. But that’s not always true. If we go back to chemistry, highly basic substances can burn just as much as acids. In other words, if we only judge communication as either “positive” or “negative,” we miss the bigger picture.

But if we factor in HONESTY, the picture becomes clearer. Let’s use the following as examples:

  • Cruel lies – These are obviously harmful. Luckily, they don’t happen too often in direct conversations.
  • Toxic positivity – This one is trickier. It sounds nice, but it dismisses real struggles. Think of phrases like “Everything happens for a reason!” or “Bahala na!”  While well-meaning, these statements can make people feel unheard rather than comforted.
  • Brutal honesty – This is another extreme. It values truth but at the cost of kindness. Sometimes, people justify hurtful words by saying, “I’m just being honest.” But honesty without compassion can be just as damaging as a lie.

Both toxic positivity and brutal honesty shut down meaningful conversations before they even begin. Hence, finding the Balanced pH is key!

In chemistry, a balanced pH would fall between 6 and 8—not too acidic, not too basic. In communication, we should aim for the same balance. It can manifest in these ways:

  • Be honest, but with empathy.
  • Be positive, but without dismissing reality.
  • Listen, not just speak.

In the end, balanced communication isn’t just about being positive or negative (healthy or toxic)—it’s about being real while still being kind. And being aware of these patterns are equally important because the way we communicate doesn’t only impact our relationships—it affects our mental well-being too. Remember, healthy communication strengthens emotional resilience, reduces stress, and boosts overall life satisfaction and well being. While toxic communication triggers chronic stress responses in the brain, increasing anxiety, depression, and even symptoms similar to PTSD.

So when we prioritize healthy dialogue, we foster deeper connections, trust, and emotional security. But when toxic communication takes hold, it creates cycles of harm that can be tough to break. To be honest, it does sound daunting and possibly exhausting to constantly keep this in check.The good news? Every conversation is a chance to do better.

Even Millennials and Gen Z-ers are growing with this mindset in hand—choosing open dialogue over the old “tiisin mo na lang” (just endure it) mentality. Whether that means pausing before reacting, listening more attentively, or setting firmer boundaries, small shifts in communication can lead to massive changes in our relationships. Because in the end, the quality of our conversations is the quality of our connections.

So, what kind of conversations do you want to have?

References: