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How Mindfulness Can Help Keep Problematic Internet Use at Bay

Internet Use

As the pandemic continues to affect restrictions on movement and

in-person interactions, Filipino adolescents today have a starkly distinctive experience of going online. Screens have become crucial in the conduct of one’s affairs, and internet use has skyrocketed. In fact, a recent survey reports that the average Filipino teen spends about 10 hours per day online via various devices compared to around 6 hours per week in 2014 (Statista Research Department, 2022).

This is a cause for concern as more screen time opens up the possibility of problematic internet use (PIU), otherwise known as compulsive internet use or internet addiction. PIU was already a growing area of interest by clinicians pre-pandemic, as a review of studies in 31 countries states that about 6% of adolescents already engage in PIU (Cheng and Li, 2014). It continues to be a problem amid the pandemic as in a study comparing internet use during
lockdown among young people in low to middle-income countries, respondents from the Philippines have significantly high scores in measures of problematic internet use, social media use, and general app usage (Fernandes et al., 2021).

Teens are said to be addicted to the internet when there is an inability to control thoughts and behaviors over going online that significantly cause impairment in functioning. Other indicators include a preference for online rather than face-to face-relationships and turning to the internet to relieve negative mood states such as stress, sadness, or anxiety (Gámez-Guadix et al., 2012).

The last indicator helps us understand why young people’s internet use is important to look out for, despite the ubiquity of screens nowadays. As social distancing measures continue to harbor feelings of isolation and loneliness in adolescents (Fegert et al., 2020), they likely fall into various activities such as using the internet to escape and cope (Yao and Zhong, 2014). The internet provides relief through small doses of dopamine for every notification, message, interesting story, or video (Liu and Luo, 2015). However, when we don’t monitor how it may take a hold in our lives, internet use may lead to more negative physical and emotional health outcomes, and the vicious cycle repeats.

Can Mindfulness Help?

Mindfulness has gained popularity in the past decade and has been increasingly incorporated into psychological interventions for children and adolescents. Evidence points to the many benefits of mindfulness training, including the reduction and prevention of stress, symptoms of depression and anxiety and behavioral problems for this specific population (e.g., Britton et al., 2014; Raes et al., 2014; Singh et al., 2007 as cited in Gámez-Guadix & Calvete, 2016).

Mindfulness refers to the ability to become fully present and aware of one’s sensations (what we see, smell, hear, taste, or feel), thoughts (e.g., “I am not good at this”), and emotions (e.g., “I feel really bad”), and turning towards them with curiosity and nonjudgment (Kabat-Zinn,
2003).

Through mindful awareness, teens can learn to befriend and ride the wave of negative emotions, realize that feelings of sadness, anxiety, stress, etc., come and go, and practice detachment. They can also begin to make thoughtful decisions in dealing with their distress
rather than automatically reacting or giving in to their impulses, and perhaps start using the internet with more intention (Gámez-Guadix & Calvete, 2016).

The Cellphone Observation Exercise

The good news is that information on mindfulness is accessible and there is a plethora of resources available to help teens get started on their practice. To get a teen to specifically notice internal reactions while using their devices and think of changes they might make in terms of their relationship with them, the exercise below, adapted from David M. Levy, may prove useful.

It can be done alone as well as with an older sibling or parent, to better facilitate reflection. Each step begins with a prompt to do something in relation to one’s phone or device. One is also asked to note how their mind and body are reacting while performing the steps. A piece of paper may be necessary to write down a few words or phrases.

  1. Think about your phone or device without holding or using it. What do you experience (what comes up in your mind and body) when you think about your phone or device?
  2. Take out your phone and hold it in your hand or go near your device without turning on the screen. Again, pause here to notice how you feel. Is there a pull to do something in particular. What does that feel like in your body? What does it feel like to pause for a moment and wait?
  3. Turn on your phone or device and proceed to open an app of your choosing. Look at the interface in general and do not engage with the app right away. What was the experience like for you?
  4. Engage in the app – perhaps read a post or send a message or two. What happens in your mind and body as you do this?
  5. Finally, stash your phone in your pocket, bag, or drawer, or move a few feet away from your device. How did you feel as you did this?

Post Exercise Reflection:

Look back on the experience and notes written if there are any. Was any of your reactions in a particular step noteworthy? What might this suggest about your relationship with your phone or device? Does it suggest any changes you might need to make?

Mindfulness Practices and the Use of Technology

There are other ways mindfulness can be woven into a teen’s routine that may help address issues with internet use. The following are found below.

1. Mindfully setting and sticking to schedule

Setting specific hours for waking, eating, and sleeping, and committing to it will already make a huge difference in lessening opportunities to engage in nonproductive internet use.

2. Use a mindfulness bell and practice S.T.O.P.

Apps such as The Awakening Bell or The Bell of Mindfulness help recreate the experience of meditation bells in Buddhist temples by ringing a bell or gong sound through your phone or device’s speakers for every time interval specified. Use this as a reminder to bring your mind back to the present moment and then practice S. T. O. P., which stands for:
Stop. Whatever you are doing, pause momentarily.
Take a breath. Re-connect with your breath to anchor in the present moment.
Observe. What is happening inside you, and outside of you? What do you feel? What are you doing?
Proceed. Continue with what you are doing. Or not, depending on the information gathered during the exercise.

The more you STOP during the day, the more you could possibly be aware of your intentions behind every swipe or click thus preventing from going on autopilot.

It is important to keep in mind that it may take some time before mindfulness becomes a habit for anyone, let alone a teen. It is a skill that needs practicing. Many people become frustrated when their mind wanders or forget to apply the mindfulness skills above as there is pressure to get things “right or correctly” the first time. As long as one notices wandering to return and observe the present moment, one is already doing mindfulness.

Resources:
• https://www.humanetech.com/
• https://www.youtube.com/c/headspace
• https://mindful.org
• https://self-compassion.org/

Work Cited:

Cheng, C., & Li, A. Y. (2014). Internet addiction prevalence and quality of (real) life: A meta-analysis of 31 nations across seven world regions. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, 17, 755– 760. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2014.0317

Fegert, J. M., Vitiello, B., Plener, P. L., & Clemens, V. (2020). Challenges and burden of the
Coronavirus 2019 (COVID-19) pandemic for child and adolescent mental health: a narrative
review to highlight clinical and research needs in the acute phase and the long return to
normality. Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, 14, 20. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13034- 020-00329-3

Fernandes, B., Uzun, B., Aydin, C., Tan-Mansukhani, R., Vallejo, A., Saldaña-Gutierrez, A., Biswas, U. N., & Essau, C. A. (2021). Internet use during COVID-19 lockdown among young people in low- and middle-income countries: Role of psychological well-being. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.abrep.2021.100379

Gámez-Guadix, M., Villa-Gorge, F. I., & Calvete, E. (2012). Measurement and analysis of the cognitive-behavioral model of generalized problematic internet use among Mexican adolescents. Journal of Adolescence, 35(6), 1581-1591. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2012.06.00

Gámez-Guadix, M., & Calvete, E. (2016). Assessing the Relationship between Mindful Awareness and Problematic Internet Use Among Adolescents. Mindfulness, 7, 1281 –1288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-016-0566-0

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144 – 156. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy

Liu, M., & Luo, J. (2015). Relationship between peripheral blood dopamine level and internet
addiction disorder in adolescents: A pilot study. International Journal of Clinical and
Experimental Medicine, 8(6), 9943 – 9948. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4538113/#:~:text=Like%20addictive%20su
bstance%2C%20the%20activities,person%20a%20state%20of%20euphoria.

Statista Research Department (2022). Average daily time spent using online media in the Philippines, in third-quarter 2021, by activity. https://www.statista.com/statistics/803812/daily-time-spent-using-online-media-by-activity-philippines/#:~:text=Internet%20users%20in%20the%20Philippines,social%20media%20on

Yao, M. Z., & Zhong, Z. J. (2014). Loneliness, social contacts, and Internet addiction: A cross-lagged panel study. Computers in Human Behavior, 30, 164 – 170. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2013.08.007

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Blog General Wellbeing Practices

Three questions for cultivating a compassionate conscience

compassion

Compassion, which we can understand as the sharing in and a desire to relieve the suffering of others, comes naturally to us as human beings. It is one of our most potent qualities, and is a cornerstone of human societies and the dream for every person to have a conscience formed and directed by aspirations of justice, peace, and cooperation. However, this precious resource has many facilitators and inhibitors, and like all human potentials can be broadened or restricted. Drawing from our clinical work and inspired by the UN’s recognition of the International Day of Conscience last 5th of April, this article will describe what it means to have a “compassionate conscience” and offer three general questions to help direct us towards cultivating our capacities for compassion: whether we are “aware” of suffering; whether we are “moved” by suffering; and whether we “desire” to relieve suffering.

Defining Compassion

Compassion can be understood simply as “the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”1 Emphasizing its action-oriented nature, compassion is distinguishable from the related emotion of “empathy”, defined as the “mirroring or understanding of another’s emotion”.2 Despite the cynicism of mainstream conversations (and sadly much of modern psychology until fairly recently), it is deeply rooted in the human condition: as professor and author Dr. Dacher Keltner puts it, compassion is “an innate human response embedded into the folds of our brains”, the “evolved instinct to help other people is a reflex”.3 And it does appear that human minds evolved the neural hardwiring for this sharing in another’s pain in some way.4 We’ve even seen how exercising “self-compassion” — the directing of kindness and understanding inwards, to our own suffering — can literally ease the experience of pain in the context of chronic illnesses.5 It has rightly provoked intense interest among scientists, hence the growing body of work focusing on its clinical application along with related practices such as “loving-kindness” and “mindfulness”.6 All this to say is that compassion comes naturally to us, and is one of our most potent qualities.


But as the clinical psychologist and founder of Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) Dr. Paul Gilbert puts it: “Compassion too has its facilitators and inhibitors.”7

Many factors can affect our capacities for compassion: whether we were encouraged growing up to engage in compassionate works; our own personal resources; whether our own beliefs about specific compassionate acts (e.g. giving change to a poor stranger) aligned with the moral value we assign to social questions (e.g. poverty determined mainly by individual effort or systemic factors); whether, because of formative experiences, we safe enough in our own bodies to handle the compassionate impulse and the potency of its accompanying emotions; and many others.

For the frontliners of the pandemic, without whom our entire country may have simply collapsed, there was “compassion fatigue”: a deep physical and emotional exhaustion that sets in as a response to an overwhelming loss of human life and livelihood, when there is an accumulation of the suffering of those they serve and not enough space and resources to process and recover.8 Given how helpless we all were in many instances, we might relate to the very unpleasant feelings that came when our compassion was unable to express itself in ways we desired, including shame, doubt, guilt, and even anger.9 Like all human potentials, our potential for compassion can also be disturbed.

Compassion, whether it’s the capacity to offer it to others or accept it for ourselves, is a precious resource. It is the cornerstone of the well-formed conscience and the bedrock of the dream of a “culture of peace”, which the United Nations described as “a positive, dynamic, participatory process linked intrinsically to democracy, justice and development for all by which differences are respected, dialogue is encouraged and conflicts are constantly transformed by non-violent means into new avenues of cooperation.”10 If compassion ought to come naturally, which appears to be what the research is currently telling us, then how might we build on it? What kind of questions can we ask to direct us, especially when our capacities for compassion are obstructed in some way? 

Three questions for cultivating compassion

For the former Buddhist monk and scholar of religious studies Dr. Thupten Jinpa, compassion is made up of different components, three of which we will look at here.11 While these components overlap in actual human experience, making some distinctions can help us generate useful reflections.

1. “Are we aware of suffering?”

The cognitive aspect of compassion requires that we recognize that pain exists, both in ourselves and in others. But recognition cannot remain an abstraction; compassion is directed and active. Our ability to know suffering can be hampered by ignorance: we may not have an understanding that a person experiences pain in some way because we are unaware of their context and needs. It can also be hampered by prejudice: we might assume we understand a person even if we have not really begun to enter into a real knowledge of who they are. It may not have anything to do with the other person at all: something in our conditioning, past or present, may be keeping us from seeing suffering for what it really is. So what is keeping us from being really aware? Are we really paying attention to what that person is going through? Do our assumptions about that person take up too much headspace? And are there ways of doing things we learned growing up that have left gaps in our perception?

“Are we moved by suffering?”

The affective aspect of compassion requires that this recognition of pain reaches the heart. Put another way, the experience must be felt bodily, and not just at the level of the thought. But like our ability to see, our ability to feel can also be hampered. It may be physical or emotional fatigue: as such, our energy might be directed at conserving energy and towards the things that offer rest or familiar comforts.Our beliefs about suffering might also become like gatekeepers to our emotions: values inherited from our families and communities might have led us to believe that our suffering is somehow correlated with notions of merit or of what people do or do not deserve. Perhaps these same values do not adequately accommodate the fact that suffering is inevitable. It may also be that our bodies may have too much or too little sensitivity to pain, and the effort we put into trying to regulate how much we expose ourselves diverts these emotional resources away from compassion. So what is keeping us from being really present to these feelings? Are our bodies getting enough rest? Do some of our beliefs create barriers rather than openings for feelings of compassion? And do our bodies, whether it has become accustomed to too much or too little pain, allow for these feelings to be felt?

“Do we want to relieve suffering?”

The intent aspect of compassion requires that this experience of the pain of others has an outlet. From the head to the heart, it must then travel outward through speech and action. After all, that is exactly what the etymology of compassion means: to suffer with others. But this suffering with others is not about the passive taking in of pain, but an active partaking in it towards some kind of resolution. We might express this compassion by contributing time and resources to charitable works. We might also express this by becoming a kind of reference point for compassion, whose presence communicates safety and love, so that others might feel safe enough to approach for consolation. We also manifest this intention by directing it inward, at our own pains, and practicing on ourselves what others might ask of us: forgiveness, understanding, and openness to our own failings as human beings with as many flaws as gifts. So what is keeping us from expressing our compassionate impulses as concrete actions? Are we paying attention to the logistics of these compassionate impulses, so that we know what we have to offer? Are we paying attention to how we respond to others, so that we know whether our actions communicate an invitation of safety and warmth? And are we paying attention to how we react to our own experiences, so that we know that we give first to ourselves the compassion we offer others?

As we pass through what we hope to be the worst that the pandemic has to offer, it is important to recognize how our capacities for compassion have been tested and what this might mean for us moving forward. By reflecting on the things which expand or contract the depth and breadth of our compassionate impulses, we can continue to exercise this precious human instinct with less dread about how little we have been able to offer and more hope about how much we can do for ourselves and others within our own spaces.

Sources:

  1. (n.d.). “What Is Compassion?” Great Good Science Center, UC Berkeley. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/compassion/definition/.
  2. Smith, J.A. (08 May 2009). “What Happens When Compassion Hurts?” Great Good Science Center, UC Berkeley. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_happens_when_compassion_hurts/.
  3. Keltner, D. (01 March 2004). “The Compassion Instinct.” Great Good Science Center, UC Berkeley. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_compassionate_instinct/. 
  4. Lamm, C., Decety, J., and Singer, T. (2011). dMeta-analytic evidence for common and distinct neural networks associated with directly experienced pain and empathy for pain. NeuroImage, (54), 2492-2502. DOI: 10.1016/j.neuroimage.2010.10.014.
  5. Wren, A.A., Somers, T.J., Wright, M.A., Goetz, M.C., Leary, M.R., Fras, A.M., Huh, B.K., Rogers, L.L., and Keefe, F.J. (2012). Self-Compassion in Patients With Persistent Musculoskeletal Pain: Relationship of Self-Compassion to Adjustment to Persistent Pain. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, (43)4, 759-770, DOI: 10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2011.04.014.
  6.  Hofmann, S. G., Grossman, P., & Hinton, D. E. (2011). Loving-kindness and compassion meditation: potential for psychological interventions. Clinical psychology review, 31(7), 1126–1132. DOI: 10.1016/j.cpr.2011.07.003.
  7. Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53, 6-41. DOI: 10.1111/bjc.12043.
  8. Clay, R.A. (11 June 2020). “Are you experiencing compassion fatigue?” American Psychological Association. Retrieved from: https://www.apa.org/topics/covid-19/compassion-fatigue/.
  9.  Culliford, L. (07 June 2011). “Compassion really hurts.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spiritual-wisdom-secular-times/201106/compassion-really-hurts/.
  10. United Nation (n.d.). “International Day of Conscience: 5 April”. Retrieved from: https://www.un.org/en/observances/conscience-day/.
  11. Jazaieri, H. (24 April 2018). “Six Habits of Highly Compassionate People.” Great Good Science Center, UC Berkeley. Retrieved from:  https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_compassionate_people/.

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One Treasure

“You are the One treasure, so you need to come to know who you really are.” 

-Sr. Rosario Battung, RGS,  Zen Teacher and Social Activist

In a few days, we will be pausing in observance of the culmination of the Lenten season. Although a Catholic tradition, the Holy Week holiday can provide everyone, even those not religiously affiliated, a much-needed opportunity to take a step back and gain a grounding perspective in life.

Spirituality is one of the key dimensions to holistic wellbeing, and one’s spiritual experience does not have to be tied up with organized religion.

In a broader sense, as defined in the Wheel of Wellbeing  (Sadigh & Sadigh, 2008),  spirituality can be understood as “a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and a source greater than the material world.  It means discovering the essence of our being and our deepest values by which we live by. It is the quest for finding the meaning of life and our life purpose.”  Living with a deeper why is vital to our resilience. It gives us the courage, clarity, and determination to withstand the turbulent forces of change and adversity which will always be part of human life. 

As we enter this period of sacred pause and reflection, allow me to share a deeply inspiring teaching from my Zen teacher, Sr. Rosario Battung. Sr. Rosario (Chayong as she was fondly called) lived an extraordinary life as a Catholic nun, a Zen practitioner for over four decades, and a social activist whose life became the inspiration for the critically-acclaimed Filipino film Sister Stella L. We had a private interview a few months before she passed away as is customary for teacher and student in Zen practice. At that moment, I knew that I was receiving an exquisite and very profound teaching, which I immediately transcribed in my journal. Little did I know that these were to be her “final instructions.”  Her message has become more and more special each time I came home to it– alive and constantly reaching into my soul.  It is my honor and joy to share with you the words of Sr. Rosario. I am sure you will find that it speaks to each and every human heart.

It is essential to know the art of paying full attention to yourself because it is this Self that reaches out to others. No one benefits when you put yourself aside. Instead, you need to be your full Self. The one responding needs to be full. We’re always on-the-go helping others, but we’re not doing justice to others and to ourselves unless we’re paying full attention to ourselves. 

The bell of the present moment calls your name. Hold the horses and ask yourself, what is the main thing? Who is holding the reins of this present moment? What is at the heart of now? Face yourself and know what it is you need to be attending to.   

Make space in your life to experience your True Self. It will tell you who you really are. You are distracted by helping others and set aside your innate Self. You think something else is more important other than your True Self.    

There is one treasure hidden in one body. You are the One Treasure, so you need to come to know  who you really are. Give your full attention to that One Treasure. Celebrate it with joy, your True Self is present. 

One Treasure: An Invitation to Pause and Reflect

  1. When have I experienced myself as the One Treasure? What did these moments feel like? What conditions made it possible for me to experience myself in this way?
  2. In my everyday life, what gets in the way of experiencing the One Treasure, my full Self? What “horses” are preventing me from coming home to the present moment with my full Self?
  3. What is one commitment that I could make to honor and discover this One Treasure?
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Why Women Should Lead

It takes courage and strength to be empathetic, and I’m very proudly an empathetic and compassionate leader. I’m trying to chart a different path, and that will attract criticism, but I can only be true to myself and the form of leadership I believe in. 

Jacinda Ardern

If you haven’t noticed yet, the world is changing. Our world is changing massively and radically, we could not have conceived these present times we’re living in. The pandemic is quite evidently a game-changer, thrusting us into a global lockdown and right into the vortex of a VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous) world. Yet, if we look closely, the past decade of accelerated technological growth has already been shifting global consciousness toward complexity, diversification, and interdependence. We have been witnessing the tipping point of evolution in our life on this planet. 

Times of great change require equally great leadership, so that we can leverage and harness the energy of change into a force for positive transformation. It is a crucial time for trustworthy and dependable leadership. Traditionally, our cultural stereotypes of what constitutes strong leadership have favored aggression, dominance, and maleness. Historically, women leaders have been presumed to be less legitimate than their male counterparts because of the underlying beliefs that feminine characteristics of warmth, supportiveness, and compassion are weak and ineffective. To add to this, a cognitive bias also exists that tend to make us think men are smarter and more capable, even though women, by many metrics, are equal if not superior to men in the intellectual arena. Studies by Cornell University psychologist Lin Bian and colleagues show that this gender bias against women are seeded in the upbringing of young girls who grow up believing that men are inherently smarter and more talented than women, making them less motivated to pursue novel activities or ambitious careers, thwarting their aspiration as potential leaders. 

Despite the historical barriers posed by these harmful gender stereotypes and biases, women have been rising into leadership roles in many nations as well as businesses and international organizations. According to the World Population Review,

“While most countries have been ruled almost entirely by men throughout their histories, more and more women are being elected to high political offices and even becoming heads of state. Many of these women are bringing unique and fresh perspectives on the challenges that their countries face and are showing innovative and effective leadership.”

World Population Review 

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has been widely praised for effectively enacting policies that led to a halt in the coronavirus pandemic in her country. While being unapologetically compassionate and feminine in her leadership approach, she decisively and immediately shut down the country, significantly reducing cases of the Covid virus so that it became the first country to reopen safely. In Iceland, female Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir has led her country into creating policies that will make Iceland entirely carbon-neutral by 2040 and has also revamped the country’s economy following an economic collapse in 2008. 

There are remarkable signs of change. In the United States, the Gallup poll (2017) has shown a dramatic decline in the preference for male over female leaders. The glass ceiling is now being exposed for what it truly is, an illusion. People are waking up to discover that our world has evolved.

We can no longer force outdated leadership approaches and solutions that emphasize hierarchy, uncaring execution, and power dominance. The conditions we are faced with today and the growing consciousness shift toward inclusion and collaboration in a highly interconnected world require new leadership capabilities.

The new job description for responsive and resilient leadership has become much more aligned with feminine strengths in relationship-building, participatory decision-making, and the alleviation of suffering through compassionate and selfless action.  

Women have long been ready for the role. We have been doing the work of great leadership. Studies led by Dr. Alice Eagley, a multi-awarded social psychologist by the American Psychological Association, show women to be “typically more participative and democratic than men in their approach to leadership.” And that furthermore, “women tend to pursue goals that place greater emphasis on the public good, consistent with their more compassionate and egalitarian values.” With regards to the ability to take effective action on complex problems, Dr. Eagley’s research indicates that “women engage in a complex mental calculus in which they weigh the perils of taking action against the benefits it provides to others.” Generally, women tend to opt for risks that support fellow human beings and enhance relationships. In other words, using the feminine quality of compassion as a guiding principle allows women to take wise and decisive action for the greater good. It is no surprise what women nation-leaders like Ardern and Jakobsdottir are able to accomplish in tackling 21st century problems such as the global health crisis, climate change, and economic breakdown. 

A new vision for leadership is emerging, marked by the ability for solving complex problems in a compassionate way. Jacqueline Carter and Rasmus Hougaard, authors of  Compassionate Leadership: How to Do Hard Things in a Human Way, have gathered data from 15,000 leaders in more than 5000 companies spanning 100 countries. They have learned that leaders who deliver the best results operate from the mode of wise compassion, which involves balancing efficiency and productivity with genuine concern for people’s feelings and wellbeing. 

It is time for us to stretch our mindsets and step boldly into letting women lead. Women have always been capable of strong leadership, and we are seeing all over the world how more and more women are competently serving as leaders. Women are rightfully coming to represent the modern and evolved leadership we so direly need now. Let women lead.        

*Photo credit: Forbes

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PEACE Be With You: How to Skillfully Navigate Through the Pandemic

Calm

With the onslaught of mostly distressing news about the COVID-19 pandemic,

it is natural to find it challenging to relax and keep calm. Fear and anxiety can get overwhelming amidst the uncertainty and disruption of normal life. To cope, we sometimes tell others and ourselves to “stay calm”. But in times like these, it is understandably easier said than done. This is because calming down takes skills.

The good news is that with practice, skills can be developed and nurtured. The more we use a skill, the more we can master it.

In Space Calm, a mindfulness-based group program for children and teens, participants learn specific life skills they can use to cope with strong emotions such as anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, and loneliness. These are the PEACE skills: Presence, Emotional awareness and understanding, Acceptance, Compassion, and Engagement with others.

Adults and youth alike can benefit from practicing these skills during this challenging time. This could even prove to be the best time to build a skill or two, as you would have even more motivation to manage unpleasant emotions. So, take a look and invite your loved ones – both young and old – to join you in practicing and cultivating these skills.

P – Presence

This is the skill of bringing one’s full attention to what is in the moment. This is a key aspect of mindfulness practice. There’s extensive research evidence in the past 40 years of the many benefits of mindfulness on health and wellbeing. For one, mindfulness practice has been shown to increase resilience to stress and burnout. There have also been significant reductions in attention, behavioral, and anger problems, as well as decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety among youth who practiced mindfulness.

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Five senses – Our senses are the entry point to the present moment. Pause and, without judgment or evaluation, simply notice: 5 things you see; 4 things you can feel on your skin; 3 things you can hear; 2 things you can smell; and 1 thing you can taste at this precise moment in time. (This can be fun to do with others. Take turns in sharing what you’ve become aware of through your senses.)
  2. Mindful activity of daily living – Choose one daily activity that you intend to do mindfully everyday during the week (e.g., brushing your teeth, eating breakfast, combing your hair, taking a shower, etc.). Every time you do this routine activity, focus your full attention on it. If you get distracted, notice what distracted you and then gently bring your attention back to what you are doing. Notice the body sensations and emotions you feel during this “simple awareness” exercise.
  3. Mindful eating – Choose a small piece of food to eat mindfully (examples: a raisin, a bite-sized chocolate, or a small piece of cookie) and place it on your palm. Focus on it and observe its shape, color/s, and other details you can see. Pay attention to how it feels on your skin; turn it over or around slowly and notice its texture. Slowly put it close to your nose and savor its smell. Place it gently inside your mouth and let it sit on your tongue for a while. Notice what’s happening inside your mouth. Savor the taste that’s coming out from this small piece of food. Then, move it with your tongue and slowly bite it with your teeth. Notice the flavors oozing from it. As you swallow slowly, let your attention dwell on your throat and the sensations you feel there. Once you’re done, take a few moments to observe how you feel.
    (You may also check out this video of children demonstrating how to eat more mindfully)

E – Emotional awareness and understanding

This is the capacity to be aware of emotions and be comfortable with any emotion without needing to avoid it or indulge it. This skill allows individuals to calmly recognize emotions with openness and curiosity, with the wise understanding that emotions come and go. 

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Name the emotion – Take several pauses a day to check what emotions are there in the moment. Recognize each one. Still yourself when you feel the need to push a feeling away. Allow yourself to sit with the emotions for a minute or two.
  2. Feel the emotion – Check where in your body you feel the emotion. For instance, where do you feel the anxiety – your head, chest, or tummy? Focus on the body sensation for a minute.
  3. Draw the emotion – Draw an image to represent what you are currently feeling. For those of you who have kids, invite them to do this with you. Then, take turns in talking about the emotion. You can even make it a game and guess what emotion each image represents! (Just one rule: No one makes a judgment about the person or the emotion being felt.)

A – Acceptance

This is the skill of being at peace with what is being experienced in the moment. When we resist what is (e.g., fear, sickness, boredom, etc.), we create more suffering because fighting what is in the here and now is a losing battle. (It is already here!)

“Suffering equals pain times resistance.”

Shinzen Young, a mindfulness teacher and neuroscience research consultant

What creates the suffering is the thought that the pain, discomfort, or unpleasant emotion shouldn’t be here (i.e., non-acceptance of what’s here). 

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Smile at it – List down 5 things you’re struggling to be at peace with. Rank them from smallest to biggest struggle. Starting with your smallest struggle, experience the pain or discomfort, feel it in your body as much as you can, but this time, imagine yourself smiling at it. Then, let your lips curve into an actual smile. Smile at the pain or discomfort like it’s your friend. Repeat this exercise, over a few days if needed, until you feel you’ve fully accepted and befriended it. Then, move to the 2nd smallest struggle and so on.
  2. Accepting hands – When you catch yourself resisting what’s in the moment, take time to pause for 1-2 minutes and sit in a comfortable position. You may close your eyes or lower your gaze. Put your hands on your lap with the palms up and fingers relaxed. Feel your body accepting what’s in the moment through your hands. (For instance, if you find yourself worrying and wanting to push away the worry, practice accepting the reality that you feel worried with accepting hands.)

** These exercises make use of the body-mind connection by having your body communicate to your brain.

C – Compassion

This is the capacity of sensing others’ and our own pain and suffering and taking an action to ease away this suffering. Scientific evidence has shown that feeling loved (in contrast to feeling unloved) and being loving (in contrast to being indifferent) helps develop optimal human functioning in relation to stress hormones, immune system functioning, frontal cortical processing, creativity, and the capacity for happiness

Paul Gilbert, Chapter 7, Compassion: Bridging Practice and Science 

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Compassion in action for self – Purposefully and mindfully do one kind thing for yourself each day. Examples: eat a healthy snack, do yoga, or have a relaxing bath. You probably do such things already but the key here is being intentional in giving love and being kind to you.
  2. Compassion in action for others – Purposefully and mindfully do one kind thing for another person each day. Examples: send a sweet note to a family member or a friend, share your food to someone who’s hungry, or massage your mom’s back.
  3. Loving-kindness meditation – This meditation aims to foster feelings of goodwill, kindness, and warmth towards others and self. Here are a few suggested resources:

E – Engagement with others

The skill of engagement refers to one’s ability to relate and interact with others effectively by being curious, attuned, respectful, and empathic (CARE). Social connection is a basic human need. Our brains are wired to connect with one another.

Our capacity to reach out, connect, and interact with others ensures the survival and reproduction of our specie. Social isolation, or lack of social connectedness, has been linked to health risks.

Matthew D. Lieberman (author of Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect)

Thus, effective engagement with others is an essential skill to learn. With this skill, you can make more meaningful relationships with others, lessen conflicts and misunderstandings, and work with others in a peaceful way.

Cultivate the skill:

Choose a person you haven’t paid much attention to or you find difficult to relate with. Practice the skill of engagement by demonstrating CARE every time you talk to him or her. Notice what’s different this time in your engagement compared to before.

  1. Curiosity – Take a not-knowing stance and an active interest in the other person.
  2. Attuned communication – As you talk, listen deeply to yourself and the other (What do I feel and want? What does he/she feel and want?). Communicate clearly and kindly (How can I be kind to myself and the other person while I communicate what I feel and want?).
  3. Respect – Mindfully act in a way that shows the other you care about his/her feelings and wellbeing.
  4. Empathy – Open your heart and mind to sense and understand what the other is experiencing.

Here’s a summary of the PEACE skills and ways to cultivate them:

Practice Exercises
P
Presence		Paying attention to what’s in the moment1. Five senses
2. Mindful activity of daily living
3. Mindful eating
E
Emotional awareness and understanding		Being aware of emotions as they arise and understanding that emotions come and go1. Name the emotion
2. Feel the emotion
3. Draw the emotion
A
Acceptance		Being at peace with what is here and now1. Smile at it
2. Accepting hands
C
Compassion		Sensing and easing away the suffering of self and others1. Compassion in action for self
2. Compassion in action for others
3. Loving-kindness meditation
E
Engagement		Engaging with others in a curious, attuned, respectful, and empathic way (CARE)1. Curiosity
2. Attuned communication
3. Respect
4. Empathy

With practice, we can become skillful in coping with uncertainties and difficulties. We can become PEACEful.

May PEACE be with you!

Categories
General

Answering Your Questions on Mental Health from Route 2.1

mental health questions

It’s been about a week since our successful launch event Route 2.1:
Your Guide To Thrive. We are beyond grateful for our participants, guests and the meaningful interactions from both morning and afternoon sessions.

We tried our best to answer questions but there simply wasn’t enough time so as promised, we’ve compiled the participant questions and we’re answering them here today!

Q: How do we feel motivated everyday?

Being clear about your purpose can help you stay motivated. When you know your ‘why’, it is easier to stay the course, no matter how difficult or mundane the tasks are. Purpose is defined as a central life aim that enables one to perceive meaning and value in one’s life and pursuits. If you’re not clear about your purpose yet, it will be beneficial for you to reflect on that now. Studies have shown that having a clear purpose in life contributes to higher life satisfaction, more positive emotions, better resilience to stress, and even longer lives1. Once you’re clear about your purpose, you can connect what you do with that purpose. For instance, with regard to work, you can ask yourself:

  • How does this work align with my purpose?
  • How does this work allow me to fulfill my purpose?

This sense of purpose will provide you with deeper motivations to carry on. Another way to keep yourself motivated is by clarifying and embodying your values. Values are the criteria people use to select and justify actions and to evaluate people (including the self) and events. Examples of values are kindness, patience, wisdom, respect, integrity, etc. When doing an activity or task, approach it by bringing an important value to it. Embody the value while doing it. For instance, your task is to write a report and one of the values you’ve identified is wisdom. Write the report guided by your wisdom, or better yet, write the report as a wise person. Your motivation to finish the task will be enhanced when bringing values up to the level of conscious awareness.

1 Sources: 

Values and Behavior: Strength and Structure of Relations, by Anat Bardi & Shalom H. Schwartz. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167203254602

Meaning in life and physical health: systematic review and meta-analysis, by K Czekierda, A Banik, CL Park, A Luszczynska. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28488471

Purpose in Life as a System That Creates and Sustains Health and Well-Being: An Integrative, Testable Theory, by P.E. McKnight & T.B. Kashdan. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1037/a0017152

Purposeful Engagement, Healthy Aging, and the Brain, by C.D. Ryff, A.S. Heller, S.M. Schaefer, C van Reekum, & Davidson. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28534002

Q: Between PRIVACY and THE NEED TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE raised by an employee, which one is more valuable? How can we maintain privacy when we need to address an employee’s problem raised during a session?

In clinical practice, confidentiality is the cornerstone of therapeutic alliance—clinicians ensure that the client understands the terms and limits of confidentiality before creating therapy goals/implementing intervention plans to address the presenting problems. It is difficult to gain the trust or get started on working towards change if they don’t feel safe enough. 
In the workplace, it is often hard for employees to disclose feelings of burnout or anything that pertains to having a hard time, for fears of the self-report being used against the employee, whether in performance ratings or rumors starting in the office.  If the concern is purely an office issue that can be resolved with the HR or manager, that is a good starting point.  However if it is a personal issue, leaning towards mental health concerns, an even greater emphasis should be placed on maintaining confidentiality. Especially in the context of high risk/crisis situations (e.g. safety issues, anything that involves harm to self or others), the workplace has to have a system of reporting and referring to a professional without having effects on the employee’s 201 file.

Q: I’ve been recently aware of leadership biases, when big organizations want to talk about leadership and success they talk about creativity, action, innovation. And I was wondering what leadership from a feminine soft sense will look like?

This is a very important question. We need to re-examine the implicit biases in leadership culture and to transform what has not been adaptive and healthy. Traditional leadership culture tends to be dominated by masculine perspectives on strength, competence, and success. This has skewed team and organization cultures towards competition, toughening-up in times of crisis or difficulty, compartmentalizing emotions and personal life, and achieving results at the cost of personal wellbeing and relationships. Masculinity is in itself not the problem. The problem has been in the devaluing of feminine strength and wisdom such that it is viewed as “softness or weakness” in the leadership arena. Women have been leading families and communities all throughout human history. When we make room for feminine wisdom in leadership, we make room for the power of relationships and connection in motivating people towards a goal, we look at our capacity to care for people and teams, to use our grace and nurturing qualities to make the workplace environment safe for risk-taking and creativity. It is not about canceling out one culture over another. It’s about harmony and recognizing the strengths in the masculine and feminine aspects of our humanity. We can only look at the fine example of New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern who said, “I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate and strong.”

Q: One of the problems with working from home is that the boundaries between personal life and work can often be blurred. It’s becoming work-life integration vs work-life balance? Any tips on creating a clear work schedule and at what point do you take some time off to do other things?

First of all, decide on your working hours, number of hours and time of the day. Block that off as primarily time for work. Inform your office that you are available to work on those hours or try to reach a compromise in case there will be overtime work. You also need to set a limit to overtime hours.
Second, try to disconnect from work by turning off your laptop or not
engaging in work related activities once work hours are finished. Inform your office that you cannot be disturbed during these hours, that you cannot be expected to answer messages or emails.
Third, vacation leaves seriously. Take time out engaging in activities that has nothing to do with work. Pursue hobbies or engage in restorative practices such as exercise, relaxation activities, social engagements and things that are fun for you.

Q: I have a friend who’s a church leader. She’s  assigned to a clinically depressed person who keeps texting her for attention even late in the night, and fights my friend when she’s ignored. My friend is mentally and spiritually drained, but she couldn’t reject her because our church says it is the duty of leaders to care for any person that comes their way.

What may be missing here is the setting of expectations as to what kind of care may be provided by a church leader. Is it within the leaders training to provide help to a depressed person, or is this better referred to a mental health specialist? It seems like there is no boundary in terms of how help may be asked by the member. It sounds like the member is very demanding and to fight for attention or care sounds like this case is more than just depression. It looks like the leader is being taken advantage of and no support is being provided to the leader to relieve him of the burden of caring for this person. 

Though it may be true that a church leader’s job is to care for members of the church, it does not mean that there is no boundary to this relationship. Being demanded to attend to this person during late nights is too much. That is why this leader is mentally and spiritually drained. It obviously shows that this arrangement is far from ideal.

We’ll be uploading highlights from the event so stay tuned! And in case you missed it, we announced the winners of the raffle early this week:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CL_6zULnxfJ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link