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Why Women Should Lead

It takes courage and strength to be empathetic, and I’m very proudly an empathetic and compassionate leader. I’m trying to chart a different path, and that will attract criticism, but I can only be true to myself and the form of leadership I believe in. 

Jacinda Ardern

If you haven’t noticed yet, the world is changing. Our world is changing massively and radically, we could not have conceived these present times we’re living in. The pandemic is quite evidently a game-changer, thrusting us into a global lockdown and right into the vortex of a VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous) world. Yet, if we look closely, the past decade of accelerated technological growth has already been shifting global consciousness toward complexity, diversification, and interdependence. We have been witnessing the tipping point of evolution in our life on this planet. 

Times of great change require equally great leadership, so that we can leverage and harness the energy of change into a force for positive transformation. It is a crucial time for trustworthy and dependable leadership. Traditionally, our cultural stereotypes of what constitutes strong leadership have favored aggression, dominance, and maleness. Historically, women leaders have been presumed to be less legitimate than their male counterparts because of the underlying beliefs that feminine characteristics of warmth, supportiveness, and compassion are weak and ineffective. To add to this, a cognitive bias also exists that tend to make us think men are smarter and more capable, even though women, by many metrics, are equal if not superior to men in the intellectual arena. Studies by Cornell University psychologist Lin Bian and colleagues show that this gender bias against women are seeded in the upbringing of young girls who grow up believing that men are inherently smarter and more talented than women, making them less motivated to pursue novel activities or ambitious careers, thwarting their aspiration as potential leaders. 

Despite the historical barriers posed by these harmful gender stereotypes and biases, women have been rising into leadership roles in many nations as well as businesses and international organizations. According to the World Population Review,

“While most countries have been ruled almost entirely by men throughout their histories, more and more women are being elected to high political offices and even becoming heads of state. Many of these women are bringing unique and fresh perspectives on the challenges that their countries face and are showing innovative and effective leadership.”

World Population Review 

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has been widely praised for effectively enacting policies that led to a halt in the coronavirus pandemic in her country. While being unapologetically compassionate and feminine in her leadership approach, she decisively and immediately shut down the country, significantly reducing cases of the Covid virus so that it became the first country to reopen safely. In Iceland, female Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir has led her country into creating policies that will make Iceland entirely carbon-neutral by 2040 and has also revamped the country’s economy following an economic collapse in 2008. 

There are remarkable signs of change. In the United States, the Gallup poll (2017) has shown a dramatic decline in the preference for male over female leaders. The glass ceiling is now being exposed for what it truly is, an illusion. People are waking up to discover that our world has evolved.

We can no longer force outdated leadership approaches and solutions that emphasize hierarchy, uncaring execution, and power dominance. The conditions we are faced with today and the growing consciousness shift toward inclusion and collaboration in a highly interconnected world require new leadership capabilities.

The new job description for responsive and resilient leadership has become much more aligned with feminine strengths in relationship-building, participatory decision-making, and the alleviation of suffering through compassionate and selfless action.  

Women have long been ready for the role. We have been doing the work of great leadership. Studies led by Dr. Alice Eagley, a multi-awarded social psychologist by the American Psychological Association, show women to be “typically more participative and democratic than men in their approach to leadership.” And that furthermore, “women tend to pursue goals that place greater emphasis on the public good, consistent with their more compassionate and egalitarian values.” With regards to the ability to take effective action on complex problems, Dr. Eagley’s research indicates that “women engage in a complex mental calculus in which they weigh the perils of taking action against the benefits it provides to others.” Generally, women tend to opt for risks that support fellow human beings and enhance relationships. In other words, using the feminine quality of compassion as a guiding principle allows women to take wise and decisive action for the greater good. It is no surprise what women nation-leaders like Ardern and Jakobsdottir are able to accomplish in tackling 21st century problems such as the global health crisis, climate change, and economic breakdown. 

A new vision for leadership is emerging, marked by the ability for solving complex problems in a compassionate way. Jacqueline Carter and Rasmus Hougaard, authors of  Compassionate Leadership: How to Do Hard Things in a Human Way, have gathered data from 15,000 leaders in more than 5000 companies spanning 100 countries. They have learned that leaders who deliver the best results operate from the mode of wise compassion, which involves balancing efficiency and productivity with genuine concern for people’s feelings and wellbeing. 

It is time for us to stretch our mindsets and step boldly into letting women lead. Women have always been capable of strong leadership, and we are seeing all over the world how more and more women are competently serving as leaders. Women are rightfully coming to represent the modern and evolved leadership we so direly need now. Let women lead.        

*Photo credit: Forbes

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PEACE Be With You: How to Skillfully Navigate Through the Pandemic

With the onslaught of mostly distressing news about the COVID-19 pandemic,

it is natural to find it challenging to relax and keep calm. Fear and anxiety can get overwhelming amidst the uncertainty and disruption of normal life. To cope, we sometimes tell others and ourselves to “stay calm”. But in times like these, it is understandably easier said than done. This is because calming down takes skills.

The good news is that with practice, skills can be developed and nurtured. The more we use a skill, the more we can master it.

In Space Calm, a mindfulness-based group program for children and teens, participants learn specific life skills they can use to cope with strong emotions such as anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, and loneliness. These are the PEACE skills: Presence, Emotional awareness and understanding, Acceptance, Compassion, and Engagement with others.

Adults and youth alike can benefit from practicing these skills during this challenging time. This could even prove to be the best time to build a skill or two, as you would have even more motivation to manage unpleasant emotions. So, take a look and invite your loved ones – both young and old – to join you in practicing and cultivating these skills.

P – Presence

This is the skill of bringing one’s full attention to what is in the moment. This is a key aspect of mindfulness practice. There’s extensive research evidence in the past 40 years of the many benefits of mindfulness on health and wellbeing. For one, mindfulness practice has been shown to increase resilience to stress and burnout. There have also been significant reductions in attention, behavioral, and anger problems, as well as decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety among youth who practiced mindfulness.

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Five senses – Our senses are the entry point to the present moment. Pause and, without judgment or evaluation, simply notice: 5 things you see; 4 things you can feel on your skin; 3 things you can hear; 2 things you can smell; and 1 thing you can taste at this precise moment in time. (This can be fun to do with others. Take turns in sharing what you’ve become aware of through your senses.)
  2. Mindful activity of daily living – Choose one daily activity that you intend to do mindfully everyday during the week (e.g., brushing your teeth, eating breakfast, combing your hair, taking a shower, etc.). Every time you do this routine activity, focus your full attention on it. If you get distracted, notice what distracted you and then gently bring your attention back to what you are doing. Notice the body sensations and emotions you feel during this “simple awareness” exercise.
  3. Mindful eating – Choose a small piece of food to eat mindfully (examples: a raisin, a bite-sized chocolate, or a small piece of cookie) and place it on your palm. Focus on it and observe its shape, color/s, and other details you can see. Pay attention to how it feels on your skin; turn it over or around slowly and notice its texture. Slowly put it close to your nose and savor its smell. Place it gently inside your mouth and let it sit on your tongue for a while. Notice what’s happening inside your mouth. Savor the taste that’s coming out from this small piece of food. Then, move it with your tongue and slowly bite it with your teeth. Notice the flavors oozing from it. As you swallow slowly, let your attention dwell on your throat and the sensations you feel there. Once you’re done, take a few moments to observe how you feel.
    (You may also check out this video of children demonstrating how to eat more mindfully)

E – Emotional awareness and understanding

This is the capacity to be aware of emotions and be comfortable with any emotion without needing to avoid it or indulge it. This skill allows individuals to calmly recognize emotions with openness and curiosity, with the wise understanding that emotions come and go. 

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Name the emotion – Take several pauses a day to check what emotions are there in the moment. Recognize each one. Still yourself when you feel the need to push a feeling away. Allow yourself to sit with the emotions for a minute or two.
  2. Feel the emotion – Check where in your body you feel the emotion. For instance, where do you feel the anxiety – your head, chest, or tummy? Focus on the body sensation for a minute.
  3. Draw the emotion – Draw an image to represent what you are currently feeling. For those of you who have kids, invite them to do this with you. Then, take turns in talking about the emotion. You can even make it a game and guess what emotion each image represents! (Just one rule: No one makes a judgment about the person or the emotion being felt.)

A – Acceptance

This is the skill of being at peace with what is being experienced in the moment. When we resist what is (e.g., fear, sickness, boredom, etc.), we create more suffering because fighting what is in the here and now is a losing battle. (It is already here!)

Suffering equals pain times resistance.”

Shinzen Young, a mindfulness teacher and neuroscience research consultant

What creates the suffering is the thought that the pain, discomfort, or unpleasant emotion shouldn’t be here (i.e., non-acceptance of what’s here). 

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Smile at it – List down 5 things you’re struggling to be at peace with. Rank them from smallest to biggest struggle. Starting with your smallest struggle, experience the pain or discomfort, feel it in your body as much as you can, but this time, imagine yourself smiling at it. Then, let your lips curve into an actual smile. Smile at the pain or discomfort like it’s your friend. Repeat this exercise, over a few days if needed, until you feel you’ve fully accepted and befriended it. Then, move to the 2nd smallest struggle and so on.
  2. Accepting hands – When you catch yourself resisting what’s in the moment, take time to pause for 1-2 minutes and sit in a comfortable position. You may close your eyes or lower your gaze. Put your hands on your lap with the palms up and fingers relaxed. Feel your body accepting what’s in the moment through your hands. (For instance, if you find yourself worrying and wanting to push away the worry, practice accepting the reality that you feel worried with accepting hands.)

** These exercises make use of the body-mind connection by having your body communicate to your brain.

C – Compassion

This is the capacity of sensing others’ and our own pain and suffering and taking an action to ease away this suffering. Scientific evidence has shown that feeling loved (in contrast to feeling unloved) and being loving (in contrast to being indifferent) helps develop optimal human functioning in relation to stress hormones, immune system functioning, frontal cortical processing, creativity, and the capacity for happiness

Paul Gilbert, Chapter 7, Compassion: Bridging Practice and Science 

Cultivate the skill:

  1. Compassion in action for self – Purposefully and mindfully do one kind thing for yourself each day. Examples: eat a healthy snack, do yoga, or have a relaxing bath. You probably do such things already but the key here is being intentional in giving love and being kind to you.
  2. Compassion in action for others – Purposefully and mindfully do one kind thing for another person each day. Examples: send a sweet note to a family member or a friend, share your food to someone who’s hungry, or massage your mom’s back.
  3. Loving-kindness meditation – This meditation aims to foster feelings of goodwill, kindness, and warmth towards others and self. Here are a few suggested resources:

E – Engagement with others

The skill of engagement refers to one’s ability to relate and interact with others effectively by being curious, attuned, respectful, and empathic (CARE). Social connection is a basic human need. Our brains are wired to connect with one another.

Our capacity to reach out, connect, and interact with others ensures the survival and reproduction of our specie. Social isolation, or lack of social connectedness, has been linked to health risks.

Matthew D. Lieberman (author of Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect)

Thus, effective engagement with others is an essential skill to learn. With this skill, you can make more meaningful relationships with others, lessen conflicts and misunderstandings, and work with others in a peaceful way.

Cultivate the skill:

Choose a person you haven’t paid much attention to or you find difficult to relate with. Practice the skill of engagement by demonstrating CARE every time you talk to him or her. Notice what’s different this time in your engagement compared to before.

  1. Curiosity – Take a not-knowing stance and an active interest in the other person.
  2. Attuned communication – As you talk, listen deeply to yourself and the other (What do I feel and want? What does he/she feel and want?). Communicate clearly and kindly (How can I be kind to myself and the other person while I communicate what I feel and want?).
  3. Respect – Mindfully act in a way that shows the other you care about his/her feelings and wellbeing.
  4. Empathy – Open your heart and mind to sense and understand what the other is experiencing.

Here’s a summary of the PEACE skills and ways to cultivate them:

Practice Exercises
P
Presence
Paying attention to what’s in the moment1. Five senses
2. Mindful activity of daily living
3. Mindful eating
E
Emotional awareness and understanding
Being aware of emotions as they arise and understanding that emotions come and go1. Name the emotion
2. Feel the emotion
3. Draw the emotion
A
Acceptance
Being at peace with what is here and now1. Smile at it
2. Accepting hands
C
Compassion
Sensing and easing away the suffering of self and others1. Compassion in action for self
2. Compassion in action for others
3. Loving-kindness meditation
E
Engagement
Engaging with others in a curious, attuned, respectful, and empathic way (CARE)1. Curiosity
2. Attuned communication
3. Respect
4. Empathy

With practice, we can become skillful in coping with uncertainties and difficulties. We can become PEACEful.

May PEACE be with you!

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Answering Your Questions on Mental Health from Route 2.1

It’s been about a week since our successful launch event Route 2.1:
Your Guide To Thrive. We are beyond grateful for our participants, guests and the meaningful interactions from both morning and afternoon sessions.

We tried our best to answer questions but there simply wasn’t enough time so as promised, we’ve compiled the participant questions and we’re answering them here today!

Q: How do we feel motivated everyday?

Being clear about your purpose can help you stay motivated. When you know your ‘why’, it is easier to stay the course, no matter how difficult or mundane the tasks are. Purpose is defined as a central life aim that enables one to perceive meaning and value in one’s life and pursuits. If you’re not clear about your purpose yet, it will be beneficial for you to reflect on that now. Studies have shown that having a clear purpose in life contributes to higher life satisfaction, more positive emotions, better resilience to stress, and even longer lives1. Once you’re clear about your purpose, you can connect what you do with that purpose. For instance, with regard to work, you can ask yourself:

  • How does this work align with my purpose?
  • How does this work allow me to fulfill my purpose?

This sense of purpose will provide you with deeper motivations to carry on. Another way to keep yourself motivated is by clarifying and embodying your values. Values are the criteria people use to select and justify actions and to evaluate people (including the self) and events. Examples of values are kindness, patience, wisdom, respect, integrity, etc. When doing an activity or task, approach it by bringing an important value to it. Embody the value while doing it. For instance, your task is to write a report and one of the values you’ve identified is wisdom. Write the report guided by your wisdom, or better yet, write the report as a wise person. Your motivation to finish the task will be enhanced when bringing values up to the level of conscious awareness.

1 Sources: 

Values and Behavior: Strength and Structure of Relations, by Anat Bardi & Shalom H. Schwartz. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167203254602

Meaning in life and physical health: systematic review and meta-analysis, by K Czekierda, A Banik, CL Park, A Luszczynska. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28488471

Purpose in Life as a System That Creates and Sustains Health and Well-Being: An Integrative, Testable Theory, by P.E. McKnight & T.B. Kashdan. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1037/a0017152

Purposeful Engagement, Healthy Aging, and the Brain, by C.D. Ryff, A.S. Heller, S.M. Schaefer, C van Reekum, & Davidson. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28534002

Q: Between PRIVACY and THE NEED TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE raised by an employee, which one is more valuable? How can we maintain privacy when we need to address an employee’s problem raised during a session?

In clinical practice, confidentiality is the cornerstone of therapeutic alliance—clinicians ensure that the client understands the terms and limits of confidentiality before creating therapy goals/implementing intervention plans to address the presenting problems. It is difficult to gain the trust or get started on working towards change if they don’t feel safe enough. 
In the workplace, it is often hard for employees to disclose feelings of burnout or anything that pertains to having a hard time, for fears of the self-report being used against the employee, whether in performance ratings or rumors starting in the office.  If the concern is purely an office issue that can be resolved with the HR or manager, that is a good starting point.  However if it is a personal issue, leaning towards mental health concerns, an even greater emphasis should be placed on maintaining confidentiality. Especially in the context of high risk/crisis situations (e.g. safety issues, anything that involves harm to self or others), the workplace has to have a system of reporting and referring to a professional without having effects on the employee’s 201 file.

Q: I’ve been recently aware of leadership biases, when big organizations want to talk about leadership and success they talk about creativity, action, innovation. And I was wondering what leadership from a feminine soft sense will look like?

This is a very important question. We need to re-examine the implicit biases in leadership culture and to transform what has not been adaptive and healthy. Traditional leadership culture tends to be dominated by masculine perspectives on strength, competence, and success. This has skewed team and organization cultures towards competition, toughening-up in times of crisis or difficulty, compartmentalizing emotions and personal life, and achieving results at the cost of personal wellbeing and relationships. Masculinity is in itself not the problem. The problem has been in the devaluing of feminine strength and wisdom such that it is viewed as “softness or weakness” in the leadership arena. Women have been leading families and communities all throughout human history. When we make room for feminine wisdom in leadership, we make room for the power of relationships and connection in motivating people towards a goal, we look at our capacity to care for people and teams, to use our grace and nurturing qualities to make the workplace environment safe for risk-taking and creativity. It is not about canceling out one culture over another. It’s about harmony and recognizing the strengths in the masculine and feminine aspects of our humanity. We can only look at the fine example of New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern who said, “I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate and strong.”

Q: One of the problems with working from home is that the boundaries between personal life and work can often be blurred. It’s becoming work-life integration vs work-life balance? Any tips on creating a clear work schedule and at what point do you take some time off to do other things?

First of all, decide on your working hours, number of hours and time of the day. Block that off as primarily time for work. Inform your office that you are available to work on those hours or try to reach a compromise in case there will be overtime work. You also need to set a limit to overtime hours.
Second, try to disconnect from work by turning off your laptop or not
engaging in work related activities once work hours are finished. Inform your office that you cannot be disturbed during these hours, that you cannot be expected to answer messages or emails.
Third, vacation leaves seriously. Take time out engaging in activities that has nothing to do with work. Pursue hobbies or engage in restorative practices such as exercise, relaxation activities, social engagements and things that are fun for you.

Q: I have a friend who’s a church leader. She’s  assigned to a clinically depressed person who keeps texting her for attention even late in the night, and fights my friend when she’s ignored. My friend is mentally and spiritually drained, but she couldn’t reject her because our church says it is the duty of leaders to care for any person that comes their way.

What may be missing here is the setting of expectations as to what kind of care may be provided by a church leader. Is it within the leaders training to provide help to a depressed person, or is this better referred to a mental health specialist? It seems like there is no boundary in terms of how help may be asked by the member. It sounds like the member is very demanding and to fight for attention or care sounds like this case is more than just depression. It looks like the leader is being taken advantage of and no support is being provided to the leader to relieve him of the burden of caring for this person. 

Though it may be true that a church leader’s job is to care for members of the church, it does not mean that there is no boundary to this relationship. Being demanded to attend to this person during late nights is too much. That is why this leader is mentally and spiritually drained. It obviously shows that this arrangement is far from ideal.

We’ll be uploading highlights from the event so stay tuned! And in case you missed it, we announced the winners of the raffle early this week:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CL_6zULnxfJ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link