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Happiness is in Our Hands

Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, positive psychology researcher and professor
whose career has been devoted to the study of human happiness identifies these factors as having the greatest influence on our capacity to be happy (The How of Happiness, 2007):

  1. Our ability to take a constructive perspective toward life or to reframe our situation more positively,
  2. Our capacity to experience gratitude, and
  3. Our choice to be kind and generous.

We often think of happiness as being largely dependent on our life circumstances—
If I  just got that promotion,
if only I can earn more,
if I could take that dream vacation.
Yet, much of the research on happiness, as shared by Dr. Lyubomirsky and her colleagues, suggests that
what happens to us matters much less to our happiness than our actions and mindsets.

In other words, we have more control on our happiness than we might normally think. 

This is good news. In the midst of the prolonged crisis and uncertainties we face in our world today, we can take action and orient our minds toward happiness. As Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh has said,

“There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.”

We can welcome 2021 with a more genuine and sturdier hope, not anchored on wishing away our difficulties, but instead living from a deeper wisdom that every moment carries a happiness potential which we have the power to turn on. What’s even more compelling about turning on happiness is that there is research evidence which shows that happiness can spread from person to person and that the relationship between people’s happiness extends up to three degrees of separation, as revealed in the 20-year longitudinal study by social scientists James Fowler (UC San Diego) and Nicholas Christakis (Harvard University) on the dynamic spread of happiness over a large social network (2008). 

The question now is, how do we practice happiness? The behaviors and habits we engage in do matter. Here are some of the keys to happiness that Dr. Lyubomirsky and other researchers have identified:

Build relationships

Perhaps the dominant finding from happiness research is that social connections are key to happiness. Studies show that close relationships, including romantic relationships, are especially important, suggesting we should make time for those closest to us—people in whom we can confide and who’ll support us when we’re down.

Give thanks

Research by Michael McCullough, Robert Emmons, Lyubomirsky, and others has revealed the power of simply counting our blessings on a regular basis. People who keep “gratitude journals” feel more optimism and greater satisfaction with their lives. And research shows that writing a “gratitude letter” to someone you’ve never properly thanked brings a major boost of happiness.

Practice kindness

Research by Elizabeth Dunn and her colleagues finds that people report greater happiness when they spend money on others than when they spend it on themselves, even though they initially think the opposite would be true. Similarly, neuroscience research shows that when we do nice things for others, our brains light up in areas associated with pleasure and reward.

Give up grudges

Groundbreaking studies by Everett WorthingtonMichael McCullough, and their colleagues show that when we forgive those who have wronged us, we feel better about ourselves, experience more positive emotions, and feel closer to others.

Get physical

Exercise isn’t just good for our bodies, it’s good for our minds. Studies show that regular physical activity increases happiness and self-esteem, reduces anxiety and stress, and can even lift symptoms of depression. “Exercise may very well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all activities,” writes Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness.

Get rest

Research has consistently linked lower sleep to lower happiness. What’s more, a study of more than 900 women, led by Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman, found that getting just one more hour of sleep each night might have a greater effect on happiness than a $60,000 raise.

Pay attention

Studies show that people who practice mindfulness—the moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and external circumstances—not only have stronger immune systems but are more likely to be happy and enjoy greater life satisfaction, and they are less likely to be hostile or anxious. Pioneering research by Richard Davidson, Jon Kabat-Zinn, and others has found that a basic eight-week mindfulness training program can significantly improve our physical and psychological well-being.

In the end, it’s important to keep finding and developing the right fit. The practice of cultivating happiness is not “one size fits all.” Understanding ourselves better can help us choose habits that align with our personality, situation, and goals. 

Let’s all walk together into a happier 2021. It is in our hands.  

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Welcoming Ourselves Home

This holiday season is like no other, marking the closing of an indescribable
year, for which hyperbole falls short.  We were in a collective roller coaster of emotions.
Most certainly, we’ve had our share of shock, disbelief, confusion, sadness, grief, anger, fear, panic, exhaustion, numbness…Although perhaps just as real and present were moments of relief, calmness, openness, hope, warmth, kinship, and even gratitude. We’ve played host to this psychedelic rainbow of feelings. Being hospitable to how we feel is not always easy.
Many times, we don’t even want to pay attention to its knocking, until it forcefully barges right in!

We are not wired to welcome our difficult feelings, of which we’ve all had a great deal of in this time of planetary crisis.  It’s a self-protective mechanism we’ve inherited from our ancestors to keep ourselves at a distance from danger. However, unfortunately, this inherent threat response can tag our own emotions as unsafe. The unhealthy consequence of keeping the door shut to our emotional experiences is that we become estranged to ourselves. We lose the opportunity to accept, understand, and love ourselves more deeply. More often than not, our feelings are not asking more than simply to be validated, that is to acknowledge their presence without being judged or dismissed. They just need a place to lay down and rest for a while.

            The holidays can be a time of busyness, stress, and distraction.
Giving in to these “holiday demands” could lead to even more emotional distress and shortchange us from the true gifts this season has to offer.

This year of radical change and disruption gives us a most compelling invitation to practice the warmest hospitality to our inner lives. We can choose to open the door into moments of silence and solitude, creating a manger for the wisdom and growth that can bud within us, when we choose to pause and look inside, see how we really are, appreciate who and what we have, ask what truly matters to us, and allow our experiences to be our teachers. Research on wellbeing tells us that cultivating wellbeing rests on our practice of awareness, connection, insight, and purpose. It all begins with opening the door and being hospitable to ourselves. Karl Rahner, a Jesuit theological scholar, said about Christmas,

“This feast takes place within you, even within your very self. It takes place within you when you are silent…”

We can make wellbeing the centerpiece of our feasting in these most extraordinary times. Find quiet moments, read a book that makes you happy,  make an inventory of what you’re grateful for, put your planning mind on pause, flow into moments of connection with loved ones, meditate and pray, write on your journal, spend time enjoying the living world. There are varied and creative ways to experience being present to ourselves. Open the door and let yourself in.

We Thrive’s Suggested Resources for Wellbeing During the Holidays:

www.gratefulness.org

www.selfcompassion.org

https://centerhealthyminds.org/about/why-well-being