In The Art of Loving, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm shared his thoughts on what we could be doing
better in our romantic relationships. Long story short, according to him, lots of us are getting the whole “love” thing wrong right off the bat. Many of us are enthralled by the initial stages of meeting someone and falling for them. The thrill of falling for someone new can overwhelm us to the point of forgetting that after the golden honeymoon period, there’s a lifetime together ahead of you left to face. Novelty fades quickly, forcing many of us to confront the truth: that the experience of love is made of 5% excitement and 95% hard work and commitment to making things last with another person and all of their hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities.
Fromm believed in seeing love not as a strong emotion, but rather a skill.
He described it as the most noble of all pursuits, often let down by the common mistake that the intensity of falling in love is enough to sustain a lifetime of loving. Fortunately, like all skills, we can get better at it! While becoming a better lover would require a lifetime of dedication to the craft, a good place to start might be getting acquainted with the elements in Fromm’s model: care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge.
1. Care – Am I doing what’s best for my partner?
- Maybe the most basic element of love is care, or the active concern for the wellbeing of our beloved. Also known as compassionate love, care involves an empathic and willful choice to work towards enriching your partner’s life through your presence and actions, regardless of whether or not we get anything in return. In fact, some argue that care is most evident in the situations where we choose to do the best thing for our partners even when it makes things harder for us or causes us inconvenience.
- Rather than the grand, passionate displays of affection that we often see depicted in movies or posted by couples a little too comfortable with PDA, the ways in which we practice care can be quiet and subtle, but consistent. These aren’t necessarily the big moves we take to make someone swoon, but the little things we fill their days with in order to let them know that they’re safe with us.
- Buying your partner their favorite treat after they’ve had a rough day, offering to do the dishes or bring the kids to school, or even just spending quality time with them are a few ways we can demonstrate care.
2. Responsibility – Am I really here in sickness and in health?
- Another core pillar of any long-lasting partnership is responsibility, the acknowledgement that caring for your partner is actually part of your ongoing duty to them as part of your choice to be involved in their life and wellbeing. We tend to think of responsibility as culpability or fault for past acts, but responsibility as it pertains to love is about our openness to respond to our partner’s needs, wants, hopes, dreams, pains, and whatever other twists and turns come about as part of our choice to be involved in someone else’s life. Signing up to be someone’s jowa means signing up for candlelit dinners, romantic vacations, and coming home to someone who loves you, yes, but it also means signing up for the possibility of taking them to the hospital at 2 in the morning or picking them up from NAIA during rush hour 5 years down the line.
- Despite the risks and despite the uncertainty, despite the possibility that they might become “too much” for us one day, do we still choose them? Will we do our best to handle everything that comes our way as a result of being in each other’s lives? Do we accept love as toil and effort and a lifetime of work? To say yes to all of these things every day without resentment, even on the hardest days, is the essence of responsibility.
3. Respect – Am I whole enough to take them as they are?
- However, responsibility can quickly devolve into control when we don’t temper it with respect. This is the acknowledgement that your partner was their own person before you came into each other’s lives, with their own goals and their own path to walk in life, and that they will continue to be that person even after you get together. People can change, and people can always be better than they are today, but respecting someone means letting them discover who they’re meant to be for themselves and not imposing who we think they should be on them.
- Fromm notes that this kind of exploitation-free respect can only be possible when we are independent, or whole and healed enough that we do not need to lean on someone else and force them to be that missing piece of us that we’re looking for. Respecting someone means trying your best to see the person in front of you and love them for who they are, not for how well they fulfill your fantasies of a missing piece that completes you.
4. Knowledge – Do I even truly know the person I spend so much time with?
- When was the last time you tried to learn something new and important about your partner? Odds are, past the first few dates, many of us might not keep making an effort to keep finding out new things about the person we’re with, even though there’s an infinite amount of things to keep discovering about someone else.
- Lastly, everything we’ve talked about so far falls completely flat if we don’t even know the person we’ve decided to commit to. How can we say we really respect, take responsibility for, and care for someone when we might not be able to tell the difference between who they are at their core and an idea of them doesn’t really represent them accurately?
- Getting to know your partner doesn’t have to involve a serious sit-down or an impromptu therapy session, of course! We can take a few small steps in our day to day interactions with them to get to know them better. Examples are: being more mindful and present when we’re just spending time with them or talking to them, asking small questions with genuine curiosity to understand their perspectives better, or planning date nights with novel activities that help you see each other in situations you’ve never been in before.
References:
- Cowley, C. (2021). Love, Choice, and Taking Responsibility. In New Philosophical Essays on Love and Loving (pp. 87-100). Cham: Springer International Publishing.
- Fehr, B., Harasymchuk, C., & Sprecher, S. (2014). Compassionate love in romantic relationships: A review and some new findings. Journal of Social and PersonalRelationships, 31(5), 575-600.
- Fromm, E. (2000). The art of loving: The centennial edition. A&C Black. Hendrick, C., Hendrick, S. S., & Zacchilli, T. L. (2011). Respect and love in romantic relationships. Acta de investigación psicológica, 1(2), 316-329.
- Smith, K. (2020). Erich Fromm’s’ The Art of Loving’: An existential, psychodynamic, andtheological critique (Doctoral dissertation, University of Glasgow).