“Self-compassion-being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress and failure-is associated with more motivation and better self-control.”
— Kelly McGonigal, Health Psychologist at Stanford University
The human brain is naturally equipped to respond to threat. This is an important mechanism that allows us to detect when there are situations that pose danger to our survival, and consequently to respond in ways that ensure our safety. When human beings used to live in primitive and harsh conditions, survival mostly meant being able to protect oneself and one’s tribe from physical danger, such as being attacked by predatory animals. Now in our modern life, we no longer have to fight or flee from tigers and bears. But we deal with new forms of threat, which trigger the same stress response in our brain and nervous system.
One of the most pressing and prevalent threat triggers we experience is our own harsh and critical self-talk, that voice inside our head that is so quick to call out on our mistakes and imperfections—“You should have known better,” “Could you not have anticipated that?” “Someone else would have been able to figure it out.” This harsh self-critic could be our internal mechanism for avoiding the emotional dangers of rejection and social disapproval. But when we engage in self-judgmental talk, it’s like we’re letting out the old tigers and bears to roam our minds and prey on our own emotional wellbeing. Critical self-talk heightens our stress arousal, which undermines our mental and physical resilience and blocks our personal growth.
There is a different way that we could relate and speak to ourselves.
Self-compassion is a practice that has been shown in many studies to have beneficial effects on our mental health and wellbeing. These include:
- less self-evaluative anxiety and rumination
- deactivation of threat system and defensiveness
- activation of self-soothing response in the nervous system
- decreased effect of negative life events
- increased happiness levels.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher on self-compassion explains
“Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself as you would towards a good friend when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
Self-compassion is hands-down a better option for our mental health and productivity than feeding into self-criticism. But our inner self-talk is a product of habit and the modeling we received in our life. We sometimes falsely assume that success requires us to be hard on ourselves in order to get better at what we do. It takes awareness and intentional practice to free ourselves from our false assumptions and to shift our default inner dialogue into one that is kinder, more compassionate, and ultimately more effective in bringing out the best in who we are. How then can we dial down on self-criticism and turn up the dial on self-compassion?
We invite you to try these self-compassion practices to begin taking more control of the programming that goes on in your internal broadcast system. Experience the positive transformation that happens when you can turn to yourself with love, understanding, and compassion. As we practice self-compassion, Dr. Neff reminds us that, “it is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings.” In other words, while self-compassion is aimed at alleviating our internal suffering, we can’t always control the way things are.
Self-compassion is not about making our pain go away by suppressing it or fighting against it.
“With self-compassion we mindfully accept when we have difficult or painful moments, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.”
SELF-COMPASSION PRACTICES
(adapted from www.selfcompassion.org)
1. How would I treat a friend?
When you find yourself struggling in some way, ask yourself, how would I treat a good friend or someone I care about if that person were in a similar situation? Turn to yourself in this moment of difficulty in the same way you would towards a friend.
2. Be mindful of self-critical talk.
Notice when you are being self-critical. Think about what you’ve just said to yourself and maybe ask if this voice reminds you of anyone in the past who was critical of you? Make a conscious effort to soften the self-critical voice. Perhaps say something like, “I know you’re worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”
3. Use self-compassionate motivation.
If you observe something in yourself that needs to change, see if you can think of a kinder, more caring way to motivate yourself to make that change. Reframe your inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive. Remember that if you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear.
4. Care for the caregiver in you.
If you’re someone who is always in the position of caring for others, try caring for the caregiver in you. Give yourself permission to meet your own needs, recognizing that this will not only enhance your quality of life, it will also enhance your ability to be there for those that rely on you.
Which self-compassion practice have you tried? Which one are you willing to start today?
Contact us to learn more about how to practice self-compassion and wellbeing practices we teach at We Thrive.