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Author: Dr. Joanna Herrera

Dr. Joanna Herrera is a licensed psychologist in the Philippines and in California. She obtained Master’s and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California and completed predoctoral and fellowship training at the UCSF-Benioff Children’s Hospital Oakland. She has been a clinical supervisor for MA/PhD clinicians, developed mental health programs, and became the director of a community mental health program in the San Francisco-Bay Area. She currently holds practice as a clinical psychologist, provides services and consultation to organizations, and is involved in the training and supervision of mental health professionals in the Philippines. Dr. Herrera is President and Co-Founder of We Thrive Consultancy and Wellbeing Services, Inc. and the Executive Director and Co-Founder of Circle of Hope, a non-profit organization. She started formal mindfulness training in 2008 and is a mindfulness practitioner. She is intensively trained in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), trauma-informed treatment, early childhood mental health, clinical supervision, and mindfulness-based clinical interventions among others.

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Blog Everyday Thriving General

The Fawn Response: How Pleasing and Appeasing Patterns Impact Women’s Wellbeing

fawn response

“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible. 

Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”

Tara Brach

As we faced frightening and stressful times during the pandemic many of us became familiar with the vocabulary of fight, flight, and freeze responses to stress and trauma. When a threatening situation arises, our nervous system sets off an automatic response toward safety and protection. This process happens unconsciously, without us having to think or be intentional about it, with the goal of survival being the immediate priority. The brain prepares the body to deal with the threat in different ways: to engage with it aggressively (fight), to run away or avoid it (flight), or to shut-down and numb the pain if the danger is deemed to be insurmountable (freeze).  In our modern world, these stress reactions are mostly triggered by emotional or social threats such as our fear of failure, loss of control, rejection, abandonment, and feelings of worthlessness. Although useful and necessary for coping with real danger, being chronically caught in the habit of these defensive responses severely compromises our physical and mental health. 

The fawn response is a lesser known stress and trauma response mechanism that deserves much more attention than it gets. Natureza Gabriel Kram, in his book Restorative Practices of Wellbeing (2021), describes the fawn response as a survival structure that utilizes our capacity for connection to disarm a threat. It usually emerges in contexts where the source of danger is someone we are intimately connected with. In these circumstances fighting, fleeing, or freezing would not have achieved our adaptive goals either because the threatening figure is someone we depend on for our survival or that using a more overt defensive response would have worsened the potential harm. A lot of times the fawn response gets reinforced early in life as a way of coping with emotionally unavailable, critical, or abusive caregiving. In the absence of supportive and empowering connections, young children may become hyper-focused on pleasing parents and caregivers by being sensitive to their distress and taking care of their emotional needs. 

Dr. Arielle Schwartz characterizes the fawn response as a pattern of pleasing and appeasing behaviors aimed at taking care of the needs of the aggressor in order to diffuse danger. It’s a rather sophisticated process that taps into the social engagement system, manifesting in different forms of accommodation that serve to befriend an aggressor in order to ensure one’s safety. In a broader sense, we could be dealing not only with physical aggression but as is often the case, our safety could be undermined by emotional threats—being harshly criticized or put down, shamed, rejected, and dismissed.  The fawn response gets activated to manage these threats. Fawning behaviors commonly manifest as being overly agreeable or helpful; never being able to say no; constantly prioritizing the needs and happiness of the other over one’s own; and forfeiting one’s boundaries, rights, and needs to avoid being attacked or shamed. Perhaps not surprisingly, the fawn response has been observed to be more common in women than in men. Evolutionarily, women have had to defend themselves against male aggressors. However, fighting, escaping, or shutting down might not have been viable responses because they had children to protect and care for. Therefore, it became a matter of necessity for women to engage in a survival strategy that disarms aggressive and controlling male figures by turning toward them and by being over-accommodating  to their needs.    

As we can see, the fawn response can become a very deeply embedded behavioral pattern which patriarchal societies have culturally entrained.

Pleasing and appeasing behaviors have become implicit expectations in females, preserving the status quo of inequitably distributed power and resources that favor men. The perpetuation of fawning patterns has immense ramifications on women’s lives. Being brought up in families and communities where females are rewarded for fawning has kept our lives smaller than the horizon of opportunities that we deserve. 

Psychologically, the consequence of fawning is that it leads us to abandon ourselves. We lose clarity about who we are and disconnect from our truth. Although fawning behaviors may appear functional and even socially desirable from the outside, on the inside what is really going on is a persistent bypassing of our internal signals.  While we can project an image of adapting well to external demands, our nervous system is actually in a vulnerable state of threat because we don’t feel safe to be our authentic self. Beneath the surface, we are constantly experiencing stress from the invalidation of our true needs and desires. Women’s physical and mental health are believed to be negatively impacted by the habituation of the fawn response. World-renowned physician and trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté in his book The Myth of Normal (2022) makes the case that women’s acculturation into society to automatically and compulsively prioritize the emotional needs of others while ignoring one’s own is associated with the very high prevalence of autoimmune diseases and non-smoking related cancers among women. It could also help explain why women make up a vast majority of chronic migraine sufferers (Migraine Research Foundation) and take twice as much antidepressants and anxiety pills compared to men.   This is not to say that fawning behaviors are biologically determined, but that a patriarchal society thrusts this predicament upon women. 

Women’s pathways to wellness need to consider the role that fawn response patterns play in keeping us entrenched in toxic stress cycles. People around us, most of the time those who are close to us, have been accustomed to our dutiful yeses, complying so as not to disrupt the comfort of old ways. Continuing the fight for women’s liberation means challenging ourselves to pull away the curtain that keeps our needs out of sight and daring to listen to our real self.  What would happen if we stepped boldly into directing more care and attention to ourselves, to giving voice to our truth, and to saying no to the inequities we experience at home and at work? Where would these acts of self-love take us?  Quite simply, they would bring us home. 

Unlearning our fawn response is a journey into embracing the freedom that comes from self-authenticity and in recognizing the one treasure that we really are. We are in different circumstances and indeed some women struggle with more severe threats to their safety. Acknowledging  the ways we get hooked into fawning is not about self-blame but a compassionate awakening. We can practice and take everyday steps to turn our caring gaze toward ourselves, gradually exploring the new territory of taking action on our behalf and being immensely proud of the courage we’ve found.      

Practices in Unlearning our Fawn Response

1. Connecting with our Safety Anchors

Psychotherapist and author Deb Dana espouses a nervous system approach to resilience and wellbeing that emphasizes anchoring on safety. Genuine safety means honoring our internal signals to tell us when are feeling safe or unsafe about different situations. To strengthen our safety ancbors, we are invited to notice WHO, WHAT, WHERE, and WHEN we feel safe. Who are the people who make us feel safe? In which relationships do we feel heard and validated? What activities bring us a sense of safety and calm when we’re feeling overwhelmed? Which physical spaces support our feelings of safety and ease? What moments allow us to listen deeply to ourselves?  

2. Self-Compassion

Unlike self-criticism which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks what’s good for you? This is according to Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneer researcher on self-compassion. The practice of self-compassion calls for the integration of tenderness and fierceness. We practice the tender side of self-compassion by being with ourselves in an accepting way, comforting and reassuring ourselves, being present to our moments of difficulty without self-judgment. On the other hand, we exercise the fierce side of self-compassion by standing up to protect ourselves, to provide ourselves what we need, and motivate ourselves toward committed action. Sometimes it means saying no, drawing boundaries, and fighting injustice.  Speaking our truth can be a form of fierce self-compassion. Dr. Arielle Schwartz suggests exploring incomplete conversations or unfinished business by journaling about the following prompts:

  • When you hurt me I felt . . .
  • The worst thing that you said or did was . . .
  • What I was most afraid of was . . .
  • What I wish I had said to you then, but never told you was . . .
  • What you could never take from me is . . .
  • I know that I am strong because . . .
  • What I want you to know about me now is . . .

3. Boundary Clarity/Observing Limits

Natureza Gabriel Kram explains that “developing boundary clarity is about learning to tune into and experience, at a visceral level, the direct energy of the defensive responses.” Because fawning overrides the fight response, which is at times necessary for self-protection, practicing boundary clarity helps us reconnect with the limits that we’ve surrendered to accommodate others. One way to do this is to allow ourselves to experience and validate anger. Instead of automatically inhibiting anger, allow it, feel the biological energy of anger in the body, and invite it to take the form of an action toward assertive self-advocacy. It could mean expressing what we don’t feel good about, making a direct request to address our need, and perhaps sometimes pulling away from relationships that curtail our authenticity. 

4. Allyship

We can draw strength and courage to end toxic stress cycles through the power of allyship. When we become aware of the cultural forces that shape the fawn response in females, it awakens us to the need for standing up together. Allyship means standing up for ourselves, for our mothers, our daughters, nieces, friends, co-workers and fully embracing our value. Allyship can be practiced in everyday life by assertively responding to micro-aggressions experienced by women. A Harvard Business Review article (2022) notes that most commonly, these micro-aggressions involve invalidation of competence, invalidation of physical presence, and diminishing or denying gender bias when it is brought up. It is important that we educate ourselves on what to look for, to speak up, and reach out to one another. 

About the Author:

Dr. Joanna Herrera is a licensed psychologist in the Philippines and in California. She obtained Master’s and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California and completed predoctoral and fellowship training at the UCSF-Benioff Children’s Hospital Oakland. She has been a clinical supervisor for MA/PhD clinicians, developed mental health programs, and became the director of a community mental health program in the San Francisco-Bay Area.  She currently holds practice as a clinical psychologist, provides services and consultation to organizations, and is involved in the training and supervision of mental health professionals in the Philippines. Dr. Herrera is President and Co-Founder of We Thrive Consultancy and Wellbeing Services, Inc. and the Executive Director and Co-Founder of Circle of Hope, a non-profit organization.  She started formal mindfulness training in 2008 and is a mindfulness practitioner. She is intensively trained in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), trauma-informed treatment, early childhood mental health, clinical supervision, and mindfulness-based clinical interventions among others.   

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General

One Treasure

“You are the One treasure, so you need to come to know who you really are.” 

-Sr. Rosario Battung, RGS,  Zen Teacher and Social Activist

In a few days, we will be pausing in observance of the culmination of the Lenten season. Although a Catholic tradition, the Holy Week holiday can provide everyone, even those not religiously affiliated, a much-needed opportunity to take a step back and gain a grounding perspective in life.

Spirituality is one of the key dimensions to holistic wellbeing, and one’s spiritual experience does not have to be tied up with organized religion.

In a broader sense, as defined in the Wheel of Wellbeing  (Sadigh & Sadigh, 2008),  spirituality can be understood as “a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and a source greater than the material world.  It means discovering the essence of our being and our deepest values by which we live by. It is the quest for finding the meaning of life and our life purpose.”  Living with a deeper why is vital to our resilience. It gives us the courage, clarity, and determination to withstand the turbulent forces of change and adversity which will always be part of human life. 

As we enter this period of sacred pause and reflection, allow me to share a deeply inspiring teaching from my Zen teacher, Sr. Rosario Battung. Sr. Rosario (Chayong as she was fondly called) lived an extraordinary life as a Catholic nun, a Zen practitioner for over four decades, and a social activist whose life became the inspiration for the critically-acclaimed Filipino film Sister Stella L. We had a private interview a few months before she passed away as is customary for teacher and student in Zen practice. At that moment, I knew that I was receiving an exquisite and very profound teaching, which I immediately transcribed in my journal. Little did I know that these were to be her “final instructions.”  Her message has become more and more special each time I came home to it– alive and constantly reaching into my soul.  It is my honor and joy to share with you the words of Sr. Rosario. I am sure you will find that it speaks to each and every human heart.

It is essential to know the art of paying full attention to yourself because it is this Self that reaches out to others. No one benefits when you put yourself aside. Instead, you need to be your full Self. The one responding needs to be full. We’re always on-the-go helping others, but we’re not doing justice to others and to ourselves unless we’re paying full attention to ourselves. 

The bell of the present moment calls your name. Hold the horses and ask yourself, what is the main thing? Who is holding the reins of this present moment? What is at the heart of now? Face yourself and know what it is you need to be attending to.   

Make space in your life to experience your True Self. It will tell you who you really are. You are distracted by helping others and set aside your innate Self. You think something else is more important other than your True Self.    

There is one treasure hidden in one body. You are the One Treasure, so you need to come to know  who you really are. Give your full attention to that One Treasure. Celebrate it with joy, your True Self is present. 

One Treasure: An Invitation to Pause and Reflect

  1. When have I experienced myself as the One Treasure? What did these moments feel like? What conditions made it possible for me to experience myself in this way?
  2. In my everyday life, what gets in the way of experiencing the One Treasure, my full Self? What “horses” are preventing me from coming home to the present moment with my full Self?
  3. What is one commitment that I could make to honor and discover this One Treasure?
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Blog General

Why Women Should Lead

It takes courage and strength to be empathetic, and I’m very proudly an empathetic and compassionate leader. I’m trying to chart a different path, and that will attract criticism, but I can only be true to myself and the form of leadership I believe in. 

Jacinda Ardern

If you haven’t noticed yet, the world is changing. Our world is changing massively and radically, we could not have conceived these present times we’re living in. The pandemic is quite evidently a game-changer, thrusting us into a global lockdown and right into the vortex of a VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous) world. Yet, if we look closely, the past decade of accelerated technological growth has already been shifting global consciousness toward complexity, diversification, and interdependence. We have been witnessing the tipping point of evolution in our life on this planet. 

Times of great change require equally great leadership, so that we can leverage and harness the energy of change into a force for positive transformation. It is a crucial time for trustworthy and dependable leadership. Traditionally, our cultural stereotypes of what constitutes strong leadership have favored aggression, dominance, and maleness. Historically, women leaders have been presumed to be less legitimate than their male counterparts because of the underlying beliefs that feminine characteristics of warmth, supportiveness, and compassion are weak and ineffective. To add to this, a cognitive bias also exists that tend to make us think men are smarter and more capable, even though women, by many metrics, are equal if not superior to men in the intellectual arena. Studies by Cornell University psychologist Lin Bian and colleagues show that this gender bias against women are seeded in the upbringing of young girls who grow up believing that men are inherently smarter and more talented than women, making them less motivated to pursue novel activities or ambitious careers, thwarting their aspiration as potential leaders. 

Despite the historical barriers posed by these harmful gender stereotypes and biases, women have been rising into leadership roles in many nations as well as businesses and international organizations. According to the World Population Review,

“While most countries have been ruled almost entirely by men throughout their histories, more and more women are being elected to high political offices and even becoming heads of state. Many of these women are bringing unique and fresh perspectives on the challenges that their countries face and are showing innovative and effective leadership.”

World Population Review 

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has been widely praised for effectively enacting policies that led to a halt in the coronavirus pandemic in her country. While being unapologetically compassionate and feminine in her leadership approach, she decisively and immediately shut down the country, significantly reducing cases of the Covid virus so that it became the first country to reopen safely. In Iceland, female Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir has led her country into creating policies that will make Iceland entirely carbon-neutral by 2040 and has also revamped the country’s economy following an economic collapse in 2008. 

There are remarkable signs of change. In the United States, the Gallup poll (2017) has shown a dramatic decline in the preference for male over female leaders. The glass ceiling is now being exposed for what it truly is, an illusion. People are waking up to discover that our world has evolved.

We can no longer force outdated leadership approaches and solutions that emphasize hierarchy, uncaring execution, and power dominance. The conditions we are faced with today and the growing consciousness shift toward inclusion and collaboration in a highly interconnected world require new leadership capabilities.

The new job description for responsive and resilient leadership has become much more aligned with feminine strengths in relationship-building, participatory decision-making, and the alleviation of suffering through compassionate and selfless action.  

Women have long been ready for the role. We have been doing the work of great leadership. Studies led by Dr. Alice Eagley, a multi-awarded social psychologist by the American Psychological Association, show women to be “typically more participative and democratic than men in their approach to leadership.” And that furthermore, “women tend to pursue goals that place greater emphasis on the public good, consistent with their more compassionate and egalitarian values.” With regards to the ability to take effective action on complex problems, Dr. Eagley’s research indicates that “women engage in a complex mental calculus in which they weigh the perils of taking action against the benefits it provides to others.” Generally, women tend to opt for risks that support fellow human beings and enhance relationships. In other words, using the feminine quality of compassion as a guiding principle allows women to take wise and decisive action for the greater good. It is no surprise what women nation-leaders like Ardern and Jakobsdottir are able to accomplish in tackling 21st century problems such as the global health crisis, climate change, and economic breakdown. 

A new vision for leadership is emerging, marked by the ability for solving complex problems in a compassionate way. Jacqueline Carter and Rasmus Hougaard, authors of  Compassionate Leadership: How to Do Hard Things in a Human Way, have gathered data from 15,000 leaders in more than 5000 companies spanning 100 countries. They have learned that leaders who deliver the best results operate from the mode of wise compassion, which involves balancing efficiency and productivity with genuine concern for people’s feelings and wellbeing. 

It is time for us to stretch our mindsets and step boldly into letting women lead. Women have always been capable of strong leadership, and we are seeing all over the world how more and more women are competently serving as leaders. Women are rightfully coming to represent the modern and evolved leadership we so direly need now. Let women lead.        

*Photo credit: Forbes

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Blog Everyday Thriving

Making Space for Me: Gifting Ourselves with a Deep Reset this Holiday Season

reset

We bade 2020 with a jubilant good-bye perhaps not realizing how 2021 would present even greater challenges and disruptions in our fight against Covid-19. Those of us who continued to work from home have struggled with blurred work-life boundaries, leading to stress and exhaustion, for some even burnout. We had to endure another year of limited face-to-face contact with our friends and co-workers, which has led to deeper feelings of isolation and loneliness. Parents working from home have to make it through the daily hurdles of managing family life along with increased work demands.  A Harvard Business Review survey among 1500 workers in 46 countries found that 85% reported a decline in their general wellbeing since the start of Covid-19. Survey respondents cited mental health decline, increased job demands, basic physical needs, home-life struggles, and isolation, and disengagement from work as some of the top contributors to this drop in wellbeing. In light of these pressing realities, self-care practice has become a daily necessity in order to facilitate stress recovery and prevent physical and mental illness.  

As the year ends and we begin to down-shift  into the holiday season, we should not lose sight of the opportunity we have to pause and provide ourselves the space and time for a deep reset. Many of us have probably become all too familiar with living on overdrive and powering through to get things done. We want to be a person that others can rely on, to be seen as competent,  and make a significant contribution to the endeavors we are a part of. However, neglecting our need for replenishment, not taking our wellbeing seriously, can work against our aspirations to grow and thrive. We can ask ourselves, do I just want to keep my motor going frantically on high speed until my tank runs empty and breaks down, or can I drive at a safe speed and allow myself moments of stopping and filling-up so that I can enjoy the ride? The choice is ours to make. And as we contemplate on  this question, we can take inspiration from beloved poet, Mary Oliver, reminding us of what it means “to go easy” on ourselves.     

When I am Among the Trees

Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”

Going easy on ourselves does not mean complacency and not taking responsibility. It means making space for Me to connect with my best self, with the goodness and light that allows us to give from the wise and compassionate center that is in each one of us. It is not only for ourselves that we need to go easy. It is also for the people we love and care about because constantly hurrying through the world makes it impossible for us to truly pay attention and be present.  

Author and meditation teacher, Larry Ward, said, “We need to design our life so we can wake-up.” Making space for Me this holiday break and beyond means making time in our life to “walk among trees”—that is, to experience the voluntary simplicity of slow and quiet moments that are so essential to the process of growing and becoming whole. We can design our life so that we can wake up from the trance of getting stuck with mindless doing. This holiday season, we can give ourselves the gift of a deep reset, fostering recovery and healing for our mind, body, and spirit so that we can step into the next year feeling renewed from the inside out.

Ways to Get Into a Deep Reset this Holiday Break

1. Unplug

Give yourself at least a few days to completely unplug from work. Stow-away your laptop, turn off notifications on your devices, and give yourself a break from incessantly checking text messages. Our habits of constant busyness and stimulation can tax our nervous systems, leading to chronic stress. Unplugging means stepping out of the stress reactivity cycle, giving ourselves room to rest and restore our energy.

2. Play

According to Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.”  Play is a very rejuvenating experience that needs to be part of our life regardless of age. Being in play mode fosters the nervous system’s relaxation response and allows us to release emotional and physical tension. Engaging in play cultivates our creativity, which includes the ability to see new perspectives or approach problems from a unique angle. We can play by making time to fully enjoy a hobby, doing something that doesn’t require “efforting”, or jumping into having fun with others and letting go of worries even for a moment. 

3. Connect

Human beings are hard-wired for connection. Experiencing positive and meaningful connection both with ourselves and others is deeply restorative. This holiday break, make time for attentive and warm conversations, plan to have ample time to be with a loved one or someone whose presence gives you joy, connect with nature by taking a quiet walk or hike in a place where you can enjoy nature views. 

4. Reflect

The practice of reflecting is a way of looking into ourselves and our experiences from a place of genuine curiosity, openness, and kindness. It’s not about picking on our mistakes or hyper-focusing on our weaknesses. Reflecting can be our way of inviting ourselves into a space of gratefulness, stopping to appreciate all the conditions of happiness that are in our life that we tend to lose sight of when we are too busy. It can also mean allowing ourselves to quiet our minds to be clearer about what truly matters to us. We can reflect by journaling, reading books or listening to podcasts that inspire and deepen our hope, and by participating in online retreats.

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Blog Everyday Thriving Restorative Practices Wellbeing Practices

Wellbeing Begins with Pausing

Pause

Many of us have been running all our lives. Practice stopping. 

Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master 

I find myself writing this article at the end of a five-day total voice rest, part of my physician’s prescription to address throat problems which have been affecting me lately. Although the prescription came along with some medication, my wise doctor cautioned, it will not work without resting. That conversation landed on me with a very mixed bag of thoughts and feelings. There was worry, “Will I be ok? Will this treatment work? How will I do this when I’m scheduled for at least a couple of months ahead?” I remember shame and self-judgment being present too, “How could I have let this happen to myself? The inner self-talk jumped in on the chatter with self-blame, “I’m a mental health professional, I should have known how to take better care of myself. I should be better at practicing what I teach.” And yet, on the other side of the worry and self-criticism, I felt relief and freedom, even joy, at the thought of an unplanned rest. This is what’s in my heart that I’ve really wanted but have not had enough courage to do without “justification.” As I let the inner whirling slow down and the sediments of my thoughts and emotions gradually settled, I started to feel a sense of gratitude that life is patiently and lovingly teaching me once again–pausing is a pre-condition for healing and wellbeing.

I love long breaks. I’ve always cherished being able to take two to three weeks off from work and getting a deep system reset. But while these have worked very well for me, I’m learning more and more that cultivating wellbeing is really about embracing the habit of pausing and slowing down in our everyday life, mindfully weaving it into the fiber of our moment-to-moment existence. Pausing and resting are not supposed to be merely an appendix to our busy and over-scheduled lives. We know from how the human nervous system functions that having the discipline to pause is necessary in sustaining a generative and meaningful life.

Without pausing, our stress levels rise, we start living on survival mode and stray away from living in our zone of resilience where we can be our wisest and most skillful self.

Ultimately, cumulative micro-pauses, can do more for our wellbeing than sporadic long breaks. The essential turning point in establishing the pause practice is being able to transform our way of seeing and understanding—that making space for being is not separate from our doing. Our actions, projects, and goals are enhanced, not threatened, by pausing. 

“Design your life so you have time to wake up.”

Dr. Larry Ward, Spiritual Teacher

Waking-up means being able to pay attention, be present, think clearly and creatively, and live from our place of deepest potential. This is opposed to being on auto-pilot mode, in which we are stuck in a habit loop of constant doing, activity, and distraction.  We can re-design our life to embrace micro-pauses and be more intentional in stopping for simple moments of rest. Stop, take a moment to review your day from the moment you awaken in the morning to the time you go to bed, what micro-pauses can you begin to incorporate throughout the day? Start with a few pause practices, particularly those that you can do consistently (you may try the ones below) and observe how it makes a difference in your life.

Ten Micro-Pauses for Everyday Life

  1. Instead of rushing out of bed in the morning, practice one minute of mindful breathing to start the day. This can be a powerful reminder that you always have a choice not to be carried away by habits of mindlessness.
  2. Pause for an intention. Before getting out of bed, ask yourself, what is one thing that can make this day truly worthwhile?
  3. Take your morning shower without running the day’s agenda through your head. Make this a moment to refresh your body and mind. 
  4. Take a few seconds to savor the taste and aroma of your first sip of coffee in the morning or simple open your senses to that first sip of water and how it nourishes your body.    
  5. Before opening your email or checking messages on your phone, stop, remind yourself that you control these devices and not the other way around. Throughout the day, practice pausing before reaching out for your phone to recognize that we don’t always have to fill our quiet moments by seeking for distraction. 
  6. Pause and stretch your body every couple of hours at work. Stretching gives your body the space to be acknowledged and relieved of tension, tightness, and pain that comes from sitting and working continuously. 
  7. Give yourself a sufficient lunch break so that you can eat mindfully, not rushing into a meeting or task. Mindful eating aids in healthy digestion and absorption of nutrients for your body and mind. 
  8. Stop to connect. Connect with yourself though a 3-center check in (What’s going on in my body? My emotions? My thoughts?). Connect with a co-worker by checking-in or talking about a non-work topic. Enjoy brief spontaneous moments of connection with family members.   
  9. Have a playful and relaxing moment. At the end of the workday, plug into a short activity that gives you joy—cook leisurely, do some artwork, play a game with your kids, take an evening walk, write on your journal, read a book. 
  10.   End the day with a moment to contemplate on gratitude. Ask yourself, what worked well for me today and why? By pausing to redirect our attention to positive events and experiences, we balance our perspective to see the wonder of our life. 

Which of these would you be willing to practice today?

Learn more about wellbeing practices through any of our webinars. Contact us today to learn more.

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Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work Wellbeing Practices

Teaming to Thrive

Teaming to Thrive

By now it has become quite evident that the only way forward is to adapt to

a new reality where there is no “normal.” We have been turbulently oscillating like particles in a snow globe, adjusting to change and disruption at every turn. This is felt by organizations and workplaces everywhere. We are facing a massive evolution and we need to pay attention to what it’s teaching us that will enable us to survive and even thrive. One of the most important learnings has been that we cannot afford to sacrifice human wellbeing, particularly in the workplace where chronic stress has been at a crisis level even prior to the pandemic (World Health Organization, 2019). The pandemic has amplified this crisis to a tipping point that can no longer be ignored. Harvard Business Review (What Covid Has Done to Our Well-being, February 2021) reports from a worldwide survey conducted in 46 countries that 85% of respondents (mostly knowledge workers) said their general wellbeing has declined since the start of the pandemic while 89% indicated a decline in their workplace wellbeing. 

Many workplaces worldwide have been realizing the value of taking action on the mental health and wellbeing needs of their employees. We can see this shifting consciousness as a positive transformation that can emerge from this crisis. However, deep change requires commitment to culture-building initiatives that foster workplace conditions where people can feel safe, supported, and inspired to grow. An important aspect of cultivating a wellbeing culture is by being intentional about teaming practices.

Being part of a caring and supportive team buffers employees from chronic stress and burnout by making people feel safe to connect, contribute, be creative, and even to be challenged.

When Google conducted Project Aristotle in 2016, a research on what makes a sustainable high performing team, they found that the most critical factor in determining team success was psychological safety (The New York Times, February 2016).

Harvard organizational scientist Amy Edmondson describes psychological safety as “a shared belief held by members of a team that the team is safe for interpersonal risk taking.”

Administrative Science Quarterly, 1999

Safety in our social environment primes our nervous system to be calm, open, and receptive to others as opposed to being defensive, rigid, and hostile. 

Team leaders and managers play an essential role in modeling and initiating skillful teaming practices. However, each team member has the opportunity to effect change toward building a safe and compassionate team culture. We cannot leave successful teaming to chance, especially in these times of remote work when so many are feeling the strain of social isolation. Having meaningful connections, feeling that you matter, and participating in shared goals can nurture our wellbeing. What is good for our wellbeing also translates into productivity with less “efforting” and struggle.  It’s about harnessing the power of human interconnection and it’s what has enabled the human race to survive and continue to thrive as a species.               

Effective teaming needs consistency and doesn’t happen overnight. But the yields far outweigh the investment. Whether your team is just taking first steps or farther along in the journey, we encourage you to try these teaming practices as a way of fortifying individual and collective wellbeing.  

1. Integrate Mindfulness to Strengthen Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation

Building psychologically safe teams requires that each member learns to take responsibility for managing their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Trust and healthy risk-taking can only flourish if we know that people around us have the ability to interact skillfully and compassionately. Mindfulness creates the space, the pause, so that we can step back and become aware of what is happening within and outside of us. By practicing mindfulness we empower ourselves to engage in a wise response instead of giving in to an urge that might hurt others and ourselves. 

  • Minute to Arrive- Give a minute of silence at the start of each meeting for everyone to take a few breaths and be fully present. This helps calm the mind and set the atmosphere for mindful communication. (Source: SIYLY Adaptive Resilience Team Practices)
  • Midpoint Check-In- A mid-point check-in introduces a pause in the middle of a meeting to reflect on how the conversation is going. It can be guided by questions such as, “How am I feeling about this?”, “Are we listening to everyone?”, “What perspective are we missing?”, “What’s getting in the way of us moving forward?” (Source: SIYLY Adaptive Resilience Team Practices)
  • Set team norms for being present by closing emails and chats, silencing phones/notifications, making eye contact and listening actively during meetings. 

2. Building Empathy 

Empathy enables us to connect with and respect the feelings and perspectives of others. Having differences and misunderstandings will always be part of our team experience. Empathy gives us the capacity to bridge these differences by understanding and validating where the other person is coming from. 

  • Appreciations and Acknowledgements- Set aside a few minutes during a meeting during which team members are invited to acknowledge or appreciate someone in the team.
  • Opening Check-In- Do a round to check-in at the beginning of each meeting by having each person share responses to prompts such as, “How are you arriving to this meeting?” “What is something that gives you hope/strength?”, “How do you need to feel supported right now?” 
  • Check Assumptions- Remote work settings can present challenges in communication because we have less information to accurately perceive each other’s tone, emotions, and intentions. When a text message or e-mail makes you feel uncomfortable or agitated, suspend judgment, and take a moment to directly connect with the person through a quick call or video chat.

3. Strengthen Team Bonds

By taking time to share moments of connection, we build the trust and belief that team members have each other’s best interests in mind. With this comes honesty and vulnerability. As ropes of connection become stronger, people gradually become more willing to lower their waterlines.  Remote work does not have to hinder teams from experiencing creative and enjoyable ways to connect online. 

  • Wellbeing Buddy- Team members can pair-up to support each other on their wellbeing aspirations by checking-in with each other on their self-care practices, sharing resources, and simply providing space for compassionate listening. Buddies can be rotated every couple of months.  
  • Hang-outs- Create spaces for team members to interact without an agenda. This can be through a 15-minute hang-out time before a meeting, a virtual group lunch, or coffee break. Hang-outs could also be a time to share hobbies and recreational interests.

4. Getting Better at Having Difficult Conversations

Effective teaming requires honesty and courage to have difficult conversations. When team members experience positive outcomes from approaching instead of avoiding difficult conversations, psychological safety is reinforced and team members become more confident in their ability to manage these situations in the future.  

  • Rehearse Difficult Conversations- Teams can proactively discuss and establish a skillful process for having difficult conversations without waiting for problems to occur. Create a mock scenario and have team members contribute to the team’s “best practices” for managing a difficult conversation. These best practices can then become the team’s ground rules for when actual situations arise.    
  • Anchor on Common Ground- Help team members work through disagreements by shifting the perspective to what they have in common, what their best intentions are, and what they both want to achieve.  

Cultivating a workplace culture that is psychologically safe is nuanced–it isn’t as simple as it sounds. There are existing workplace structures, hierarchies, personalities and other factors to consider. And it is also not an impossible goal.

Contact us to get started on cultivating psychological safety in your workplace.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving

Facing Difficult Times: Practices for Thriving Amidst Uncertainty

thriving through uncertainty

“Handling our suffering is an art. If we know how to suffer, we suffer much less, and we’re no longer afraid of being overwhelmed by the suffering inside.”

Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master and Peace Activist

Recent developments in our global fight against the COVID-19 pandemic has thwarted many plans for re-opening and “returning to normal” in different parts of the world. With the Delta variant getting ahead of vaccination efforts, the sight of an end to the pandemic has become more hazy and uncertain. Lockdowns are continuing and with it our experience of prolonged social isolation, limited recreational opportunities, and heightened anxiety about our safety and security. There is no way around facing our present reality but to see it as it is. Among the Four Noble Truths taught by the Buddha, the first one is to recognize that suffering is part of life. In the same way,

resilience doesn’t come from denying or downplaying the challenges we’re confronted with.

In fact a significant factor in surviving extreme adversity, according to resilience research, is facing down reality—taking a sober, down-to-earth view of our situation (Diane L. Cuotu, How Resilience Works, Harvard Business Review, 2015). 

Cultivating resilience amidst hardship is a practice that requires intention and brave inner work, that is being willing to roll up our sleeves to sharpen our “inner game.” It would be gravely misleading to paint a picture of resilience being born out of merely “thinking positive” and keeping ourselves distracted from our unpleasant emotions. These so-called coping tools will easily break under the weight of prolonged hardship. We need to think of resilience cultivation in terms of  samurai or dojo training, seeing ourselves as warriors-in-training, strengthening our skills to meet difficulty with the power of our inner practice. These times invite us to harness our deeper human capacities, the gift of awareness that opens the door to acceptance, that opens the door to wisdom, that opens the door to skillful action, that opens the door to inner solidity and genuine resilience. We invite you to cultivate resilience through these dojo practices of radical acceptance, searching for meaning, and opening to what’s new. As we practice these skills, we learn what the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh calls the art of suffering. These practices don’t just benefit ourselves, but also enable others to experience the wholesome ripples of energy that we create when we are deeply grounded. These are times for brave work and we all have it within us to make it happen. 

PRACTICES FOR CULTIVATING RESILIENCE AMIDST UNCERTAINTY 

Radical Acceptance

Psychologist and philosopher William James once said, “The first step in overcoming any misfortune is to allow it to be.” Radical acceptance is a practice that enables us to break through the inner resistance to painful events and emotions that come our way.  It means accepting our present reality totally and completely, with our mind, heart, and body. By meeting our hardship with radical acceptance, we stop fighting reality which causes a build-up of stress and tension in our minds and bodies.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that we approve of what happened and what’s happening. It is not giving up or giving in. It is acknowledging reality so we can direct our psychological and emotional resources to move forward and effectively face our challenges.   

We can pause and spend some time asking ourselves, “What am I resisting?” The first step is to simply observe and notice our resistance to the way things are. We can then notice where and how the resistance is showing up in our body, the way we’re holding on to tension, in our feelings of resentment, and in our looping thoughts about how reality should be. As we become aware of resistance, it is often helpful to meet it with an embodiment of acceptance—taking mindful breaths to create internal space, opening our palms and half-smiling to inhabit a posture of willingness, and being patient with resistance if it feels immovable. We don’t have to fight with our resistance. Radical acceptance is a process which can start with accepting the resistance that we’re experiencing in this moment. When we’re getting stuck with resistance, we can also ask ourselves, ‘What’s the threat?” The response to this question allows us to filter through the factors we can control and to focus our attention on what we can do instead of continuing to fight what we can’t change.        

Searching for Meaning

The ability to see reality is closely linked with resilience. Resilient people build bridges from adversity to possibility by devising a constructive view of their suffering. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Austrian psychiatrist and holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl recounted his experience of being in the concentration camp, facing immense suffering and the reality of death every day.  Frankl discovered that in order to survive, he had to find some purpose. Frankl created goals such as imagining himself giving lectures in psychology and helping others understand what happened during the war so that humanity can learn from its hard lessons.  Finding and creating meaning carried him through what appeared to be a hopeless situation. Post-war, he went on to become a pioneer in developing meaning therapy. 

As we face hard times, we can resist the impulse to view ourselves as a victim and to blame life. Rather, we can look at our suffering from an angle that enables us to create meaning for ourselves and others. A question we can ask ourselves is, “When this hardship has ended, who will I become? What will I have learned? How could I rebuild my life in a way that unleashes my true potential?” 

Opening to the New

Looking back over the past 18 months since we’ve experienced this drastic change in our world, what has changed within us? What has changed in our life? Change can trigger our fears and insecurities as we face what’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable. However, these moments of disruption, are also meant to catalyze our growth and development.

If we are mindful and aware, we can use our struggles as a starting point for transformation.

By being aware of how we are experiencing changes and transitions in our lives, we can support the arc of our growth, the larger picture of our journey as a human being. 

Jeremy Hunter, author and founder of Executive Mind Leadership, outlines three important stages in opening to the new, each stage requiring unique efforts.

  1. The first stage involves seeing and acknowledging that something has ended. We have to admit that something familiar and comfortable has come to an end. It is important that we take time to properly mourn what we’ve lost. We need to ask ourselves, “How am I experiencing an ending? What am I being asked to let go of?” We might be invited to accept our sadness, our grief, our feelings of loss.
  2. The second stage is the in-between period, the middle zone of forming a new pattern. Like a caterpillar in the middle of transforming into a butterfly, we need to surrender to transformation.
  3. This stage involves facing the discomfort of being uncertain, unstable, and unclear. Our anxiety can get activated by being in this awkward in-between stage. But by recognizing that evolution is transpiring, we can become more forbearing with our discomfort. We can flow with the opportunity to explore and experiment with new ways of living our lives, to keep trying, and moving ahead. Eventually, there will be a gradual emergence into the third stage where we welcome new energy, rebirth, and renewal. 

    By allowing versus resisting change, we open ourselves to the inner expansion that makes our lives fuller. 
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Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Answering Your Questions on Mental Health (Part 2)

mental health

Last February, during the We Thrive launch (Route 2.1), we received so many questions
during the open forum. Since then, we’ve gotten even more questions through our social media and during the corporate webinars we conduct. Here are 5 more answers to frequently asked questions:

Q: What are examples of situations that cause mental health issues such as depression and anxiety in the workplace and how should this be addressed by the employee or the company?

In 2019, even prior to the pandemic, the WHO already called attention to burnout as a workplace crisis around the world. Burnout is a syndrome that is specifically attributed to unmanaged work-related stress. It is characterized by energy depletion or exhaustion, disconnection or feelings of negativity related to one’s job, and reduced work efficacy or productivity. Burnout increases the risk of developing mental health problems, most common of which are depression and anxiety disorders. There are a combination of individual and job-related factors that could affect one’s risk for burnout. Individual factors include your biological sensitivity or reactivity to stress, unmet psychological needs, the lack of coping and stress management skills, and a problem-focused mindset or negativity bias. On the other hand, job-related triggers to burnout include problems with job design, lack of support from teammates and managers, not having enough opportunities for career development, emotionally unsafe workplace culture, and absence of work-life balance. 

Mental health and wellbeing in the workplace are best addressed through prevention efforts in order to mitigate stress injuries that can cause more damage. Examples of prevention activities are having open and honest discussions about mental health, promoting self-care and team-care practices, strengthening peer support, cultivating a compassionate culture, training managers in the interpersonal aspects of their role in order to support their team members more effectively, and carefully examining systems and practices that make it more difficult for employees to experience work-life balance. The availability of individual consultations with mental health professionals also enables employees to have a safe space not just in addressing problems or challenges but also in proactively developing a wellbeing plan.  

Q: What’s the simplest thing we could do whenever we feel overwhelmed?

We need to understand how stress and anxiety reactions are triggered in order to manage them effectively. Our nervous system has evolved through millions of years with safety and protection as a priority. It is constantly scanning for possible danger—real or imagined, and activates a response to keep us safe. In our present situation with the pandemic, cumulative fears and stressors can cause our threat response to become over-activated. This has become a very common experience among many people all over the world.  The key to managing feelings of overwhelm and anxiety is to be aware and intentional so that we can stay in the driver’s seat of our mind, responding instead of reacting. 

When feeling overwhelmed, it is important to pause. In a state of overwhelm, we do not think clearly,  we’re likely to pay more attention to negative or problematic aspects of a situation, and we tend to give in to urges or impulses that don’t lead to skillful or effective coping. Pausing could mean taking a break from thinking, going out for a walk, taking a moment to calm your mind through breathing or engaging in a recreational activity, perhaps talking to a trusted friend. Pausing doesn’t mean you’re not going to address the problem. It means slowing down to prevent hydroplaning. When we pause, we help deactivate our threat response and put ourselves in an internal state that can empower us to deal with the situation in a constructive way. And when you’re ready to re-engage with the problem, ask yourself, what is within my control? Focusing on what we can versus what we can’t control decreases our helplessness.     

Q: How can we avoid or fight the negative thoughts that trigger anxiety and depression?

Resilience does not mean always feeling or thinking positive. Resilience involves being able to face down reality, not denying the challenges that we need to confront and manage in order to successfully adapt to reality. We can develop a curious and observing mind towards our thoughts. Often times we assume our thoughts to be truths, when actually, many times they are just projections of our fears, traumas, and judgments. When negative thoughts arise, observe it with curiosity and practice “checking the facts.” How do we “check the facts”? Pay attention to the thought, how am I interpreting this situation? Practice looking at all sides of a situation. Are there possible alternative interpretations or explanations? Does my assumption fit the facts? If there’s a realistic danger, ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen? Imagine how you can cope well with the worst-case scenario and plan a constructive response.   

Q: Can you provide us some tips on how to manage our stress as it affects my physical and mental health. I feel tired despite having enough hours of sleep.

Sleep is a fundamental aspect of wellbeing. Studies show getting enough high-quality sleep can positively affect your energy, activity, mood, weight, and more. It’s possible for us to sleep long hours but not feel restored if we spend a lot of time being restless and not getting enough deep sleep. The following practices could help improve the quality of our sleep:

  1. exercising earlier in the day or at least 3 to 4 hours before you go to sleep
  2. maintaining consistent sleep schedule
  3. doing deep breathing exercises to shift your body and mind into a more relaxed state as you prepare for sleep,  and
  4. cutting back on caffeine and sugar especially after 3:00 pm.

Aside from getting good sleep, we can reduce our vulnerability to stress with these practices: 

  • Moving regularly breaks up sedentary time and can help improve our wellbeing. For example, you can set a goal of moving 250 steps every hour, which would roughly equal a few minutes of walking. The WHO recommends 150 minutes of moderate or 75 minutes of vigorous activity weekly. 
  • According to UCSF Health Psychologist, Dr. Elissa Epel, dietary patterns emphasizing whole foods (i.e., foods that have not been processed or refined) were associated with lower depression, anxiety and stress, whereas a Western dietary pattern (i.e., high intake of sugar, fat, red meat, processed food, refined grains, high-fat dairy) was associated with a higher risk of poor mental health. 
  • The practice of mindfulness has been shown in numerous studies to decrease stress and improve our general wellbeing. Mindfulness is the practice of slowing down to pay attention to the present moment as it unfolds with curiosity and non-judgment. You can take your first steps with mindfulness by stopping for a minute or two to breathe, simply paying attention to the in-breath and the out-breath. Mindfulness is an anchor to the present moment that helps us not get carried away by busyness, worrying, or strong emotions. If you want to develop and deepen your mindfulness practice, try using an app such as Insight Timer, Healthy Minds, Headspace, or Calm.  
Q: How do we know that it’s time to check with a professional?

In general, professional help might be needed if you experience the following (www.mayoclinic.org):

  • Marked changes in personality, eating or sleeping patterns
  • An inability to cope with problems or daily activities
  • Feeling of disconnection or withdrawal from normal activities
  • Unusual or bizarre thinking
  • Excessive anxiety
  • Prolonged sadness, depression or apathy
  • Thoughts or statements about suicide or harming others
  • Substance misuse
  • Extreme mood swings
  • Excessive anger, hostility or violent behavior

Many people experience mental health problems but avoid seeking help out of shame or fear. If you are concerned about your mental health, don’t hesitate to seek professional support because addressing mental health problems in its early phase will make it easier for you to recover. It’s also a big misconception to think that you have to be “crazy,” desperate, or on the brink of a meltdown to see a mental health professional. Most people can benefit from talking to a nonbiased professional without fear of judgment to deal with life issues, make important decisions, or to simply learn how to get better at self-care.    

Have more questions or interested in mental health and wellbeing programs for your company? Contact us and we’ll help you get started.

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Blog Wellbeing Practices

The Six P’s of Thriving through Turbulence

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

-Dr. Viktor Frankl (Austrian Neuropsychiatrist, Author, and Holocaust Survivor)

Over the past year that we have been continuing to face the demands of severe disruption and ongoing threats to our health and safety, it is inevitable (even if only at times) to find ourselves feeling battered by the winds and the waves of this pandemic storm. These turbulent times have brought the conversation about resilience to the forefront,  becoming a buzzword, with its accompanying misconceptions. Some common inaccurate notions of resilience are that it means “being ok all the time,” “toughening up in the face of adversity,” and “powering through.” These misconceptions can lead to an unhealthy relationship with our emotions and inner experiences, as we might push away or resist  connecting with our moments of vulnerability. As most theories on resilience would posit, acceptance of reality is key to resilience (On Emotional Intelligence, Harvard Business Review, 2015). Rose-colored thinking and sweeping emotions under the rug in order to “stay optimistic” does not amount to resilience. In fact, at times, it can actually lead to danger when we avoid facing down reality.  

Resilience is a practice of awareness, connection, and wise action. Instead of being mindlessly dragged by external and internal forces into habits of reactivity that undermine our ability to thrive, we stop to create what Dr. Frankl describes as “the space” from which we can become mindful and look deeper into the choices we make.

Resilience involves the intention and practice of putting ourselves in the zone of thriving where we can be our best self.

In essence, it involves learning to understand and befriend our nervous system so that we don’t unconsciously linger in our fight-flight-freeze zones, which then compromises our physical and mental health, as well as our relationships.

We cannot fight or avoid the storm, but we can develop the capability to inhabit a sense of calm and groundedness that protects us from giving in to impulsive and short-sighted actions. Reaching in to our true strength and deeper wisdom enables us to come out of the storm having evolved for the better.

We offer you these six P’s of thriving as a guide to neuro-scientifically informed practices that we can cultivate in our everyday lives. Most of these practices consist of micro-steps that are meant to build habits of conscious living.  We don’t rise to the level of our aspirations, we drop down to the level of our actions–that is how we embody our commitment to live our best life in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.  

The Six P’s of Thriving through Turbulence

1. PAUSE

The ability to pause, step back, and reflect, enables us to shift perspectives, create options and choose wisely (Linda Graham, Bouncing Back: Re-Wiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Wellbeing). Practice pausing by creating a routine that includes time for unplugging and relaxation. Taking mini-breaks during the work day help us restore and replenish our mental energy, thereby making us more productive than if we were to work non-stop. We can also pause through the practice of mindful breathing. Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again.

2. PERSPECTIVE

The perspective we choose to take defines how we experience reality. Nothing exists outside of how we interpret or perceive what is happening around us. When our stress response is activated, the brain leans toward a negativity bias that shifts our focus on what’s not working well, thereby constricting our sense of possibility. We can practice perspective by asking ourselves What else is true? What reality am I taking for granted? Am I looking at the whole picture? How can I widen my perspective? What can I do right now? Among the things I can control, what can I take action on in the present?

3. PRESENCE

Presence means being open and kind toward ourselves and others. Establishing a compassionate internal connection with ourselves activates a self-soothing response that regulates us back into safety. Self-validation is a practice of presence that involves turning to our feelings and internal experiences with understanding and compassion. We can also be more intentional in giving our genuine presence to others through supportive listening, which means making space for others to feel held in our presence. It’s listening to understand instead of trying to fix what’s wrong. 

4. PURPOSE

According to Victor Stretcher, behavioral scientist and author of Life on Purpose,

“The strength of one’s life purpose—which involves a combination of living according to your values and goals, and striving to make a positive difference in the world—can be measured, and it correlates highly with psychological wellness and even markers of physical health and longevity.”

Crisis points can become turning points when we dare to look within, grounding our choices and actions in what truly matters to us. Instead of merely reacting to external circumstances, consciously connect with your intention and deeper purpose. A micro-practice in directing attention to purpose is through intention-setting, pausing to set an intention at the beginning of each day and returning to that intention again and again as we engage in our daily activities. 

5. PARTICIPATE

Research suggests that when we recognize our common humanity and show compassion, we are more likely to pull together and to solve issues that may be complex in nature. 

Helping or assisting others can empower us to overcome the gravity of helplessness and hopelessness. Practice participate through everyday acts of kindness. Research shows that when we practice kindness and generosity toward others, our brains light up in areas associated with pleasure and reward. Kindness is an act that benefits both the giver and receiver. 

6. POSSIBILITY

We can only fuel our efforts if we have the faith, vision, and imagination to get to our desired destination. While the temptation might be to focus on fear and everything going wrong, we can redirect our attention to cultivating a mindset that sees growth and possibilities beyond problems.

Resistance can block possibility.

When we resist reality, whether it’s an external situation  or the reality of our own feelings, our struggle increases. It’s important to gently and compassionately  observe our resistance, what are we resisting and how does the resistance affect us?

To the extent that we can, practice turning the mind towards acceptance and notice what opens up. We can also embody acceptance by smiling to what we are resisting or opening our palms as a gesture of willingness. 

The 6P’s of Thriving Through Turbulence has been an anchor for us at We Thrive—as a wellbeing guide we started to share even at the start of the pandemic last year (when we first started with 5P’s). We even talked about it in Bianca Gonzalez‘s Paano Ba ‘To series:

The 6P’s of Thriving through Turbulence is part of what we teach in our webinars and training sessions for organizations. You may download the free infographic here or contact us to learn more about We Thrive’s mental health and wellbeing services.

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Blog Thrive at Work Wellbeing Practices

The 3R’s of Providing Safety and Support to Co-Workers in Distress

3Rs

The experience of stress and anxiety have become so prevalent in our lives
as a result of these prolonged conditions of threat and minimal social engagement. Human nervous systems are designed to thrive in conditions of safety and connection. Conversely, our continued exposure to crisis makes us vulnerable to internal dysregulation, which can manifest in persistent worrying, heightened anxiety and fear, frustration, anger, mental confusion, and exhaustion. If you have not experienced these moments in the past year, you might not have been living on this planet. We have all been emotionally affected by the pandemic in one way or another. Though perhaps viewed from a different angle, this shared vulnerability that we are experiencing has given us an opportunity to be kinder to ourselves when we’re going through difficult emotions. And it has also opened the door for us to care for each other and extend compassion to alleviate the suffering that we see in people around us. 

About 78% of the global workforce reported negative mental health impact from the pandemic (www.thriveglobal.com). This probably does not surprise us. Now more than ever, it has become essential to build a compassionate workplace environment that capitalizes on our common humanity and our inherent human capacity for empathy and connection. We can all be part of cascading support in our workplace community. If everyone is acting on the intention of mutual care, the ripple effect of compassion will become wider and wider, reversing the contagion of toxic stress into that of collective resilience. It does not take extraordinary effort to have a significant impact. But it’s important to keep a few guidelines in mind so that our compassion can become an effective bridge that takes the other person to a state of emotional safety and agency.  

The 3 R’s, Regulate-Relate-Reason/Reflect (adapted from Dr. Bruce Perry),  is a brain-wise approach to helping co-workers and other people who might be experiencing emotional distress.

Stress reactivity and dysregulation occur when our brain senses danger (real or imagined), triggering an internal alarm state. In a state of heightened arousal, the brain has difficulty engaging its higher capacities of reflecting and reasoning.

When the person seeking support is in an emotionally dyresgulated place (i.e. anxious, angry/frustrated, helpless and stuck) we can be more effective in helping them by responding in a way that brings their nervous system back into safety. 

STEPS TO RESTORING SAFETY AND CALM:

1. REGULATE

Calm the flight-fight-freeze response by making the person feel you are fully present and available to listen. Reinforce the help-seeking behavior by saying you’re glad he/she reached out to you. Use a tone and body language that communicates comfort and reassurance. Our nonverbal presence is key to regulation. This includes using a warm and accepting tone of voice, nodding to signal you are actively listening, showing that you are focused and paying attention, and not interrupting what they are saying. When the other person is very agitated, regulating could also take the form of inviting the other person to take a few mindful breaths with you, “How about we take a minute to just breathe to settle our minds?” 

2. RELATE

Instead of jumping into problem-solving or advice-giving, focus on listening, providing empathy, and making the other person feel validated.  Our anxiety and helplessness can get activated in the face of someone else’s suffering. When this happens, we often push for an immediate resolution to the distress by offering solutions and advice. This can make the person in distress feel invalidated. While they might politely take your suggestions, they are not likely to act on it if there was no genuine sense of being understood or empathized with. Take the time to simply acknowledge and normalize their feelings. Use reflective statements such as, “You’re really feeling isolated and it’s been hard for you to stay motivated with work in this situation.” It is possible to validate the emotion without necessarily agreeing with their perspective, “I understand that it was frustrating when you had to take on more work than you expected.”  

3. REASON AND REFLECT

When the person has felt listened to and connected with, the higher parts of the brain become more available to reflect and reason. You may help the person think about concrete steps to address their situation or link them with needed resources. For example, you can help a co-worker figure out how to communicate in a constructive way with their manager or supervisor. You may also invite the person to brainstorm self-care practices that build their inner resource for coping with difficulties.  Sometimes it might help to ask a person experiencing a challenging situation to consider what they value and how their actions and choices can be aligned with what truly matters to them. Don’t hesitate to recommend seeking support from a mental health professional especially when there are safety concerns that require immediate attention. Seeing a mental health professional does not have to be the last resort, it can be a resource to tap into to prevent problems from escalating. 

There is so much that a compassionate conversation can do for someone who is experiencing pain and difficulty. We are wired to respond with empathy and care to our fellow human beings. And as we provide support to others, it is of UTMOST importance to keep our oxygen masks on. Check-in with yourself after assisting another person, take a pause to pay full attention to how you feel, be intentional in renewing yourself by doing something that restores your energy. Compassion only becomes complete when you don’t leave yourself out of the circle.

Contact us to learn more about trainings in providing safety and support in the workplace.