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New Year, New Me: How to (Actually) Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions!

New Year New Me

As the holiday season approaches, many of us will start to reflect over the past 12 months and get excited about starting a new year. The start of a new year is a time filled with hope, optimism, and an eagerness to set new goals for ourselves. For many people, New Year’s resolutions symbolize a fresh start to be a better version of ourselves. Despite this being a longstanding tradition, as much as 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail or fall through after a few weeks into the year.

With 2025 just around the corner, understanding why some resolutions fail and what works can help you *actually* stick to your New Year’s resolutions. 

But first, why do so many New Year’s resolutions FAIL? 

As mentioned earlier, the New Year represents a fresh start for many people. It’s a time filled with aspirations to be better and do the thing they’ve been thinking about doing for so long. Starting fresh also means closing a chapter from our past, whether it was good or bad.

This ‘fresh start effect’ is actually a psychological phenomena that many people use to view new beginnings as motivation towards achieving their goals. It’s very similar to how we feel more motivated when we start a new job or how we would want to turn over a new leaf when entering a new school grade as kids. 

While the concept of a fresh start is not a bad thing (it has its benefits!), it becomes a dangerous slope when we start to distance ourselves from our past failures and think that we can only improve when we start anew. It’s important to remind ourselves that this tradition of setting New Year’s resolutions is quite arbitrary. We can make goals and change at any point in our lives, and not just on January 1st. This thought is just one of a couple of reasons why people can quickly fall short on their New Year’s resolutions. Some others include:

1. Setting goals that are unrealistic or overly ambitious. 

Something many people get wrong when setting goals for themselves is making them too big and unrealistic due to their eagerness to change. Making resolutions like “losing 15 kilograms in two months” or “working out everyday for a year” can set yourself up for failure. Rather than having goals that are achievable, the extensive effort needed to attain an overly ambitious goal may lead to demotivation and burnout.

2. Being driven exclusively by extrinsic motivations

While it’s common to have different motivations for a resolution, it’s important to realize the reasons behind these motivations. If our resolutions are driven by extrinsic or external motivations, such as societal expectations or peer pressure, rather than by a genuine desire to change for ourselves, then it’ll be more difficult to sustain the motivation as time passes.  

3. Feeling limited by our cognitive distortions about ourselves

Sometimes, our biggest challenges when working towards goals are our own irrational or negative thoughts. Common cognitive distortions that get in the way of goal-directed behavior are when we engage in “all-or-nothing” thinking or make “should statements”. The rigidity in these cognitions makes it difficult for us to accept human error or mistakes. For instance, if your goal is to exercise daily and you miss one day, you might feel like you’ve failed and want to abandon the goal altogether. This mindset can undermine your progress and lead to lower self-esteem.

How to make better goals and stick to your resolutions:  

While it may seem daunting to set resolutions and stick to them, approaching your goals with careful planning, self-awareness, and self-compassion may help you feel more supported and excited about them. As we prepare to make our New Year’s resolutions, try the following tips to help you create sustainable and attainable resolutions. 

1. Understand your WHY

Before setting any goal, ask yourself why you want to make this change in the first place. Aligning the goals with your own personal values and priorities in life may help you to stay committed to them. It’s also important to evaluate if you are emotionally and mentally prepared to make these changes. Studies have shown that readiness to change and self-efficacy positively predict successful outcomes. Without the emotional readiness for these goals, change can be taxing and relapse is likely. 

2. Set specific, measurable, and actionable goals

Vague resolutions like “lose weight” or “be happier” are hard to achieve because they lack clear direction. Instead, create specific and measurable goals that have a call to action. For example, instead of “lose weight,” you can aim to “go to yoga class once a week” or “run 10 kilometers in under an hour.” Rather than “be happy,” try reflecting on what contributes to your happiness, such as “have dinner with my parents twice a week” or “go on a date with myself once a month.” Specific goals take away from the ambiguity and make it easier to assess progress.

3. Be realistic about your limits

While it’s great to have grit and perseverance for growth, it’s equally important to be realistic about your time, energy, and limitations. Take into consideration your routine and other commitments, like work, school, or family and friends, and avoid spreading yourself too thin with too many goals or resolutions that are too big. 

4. Be kind to yourself

Know that the process will not be easy. Being kind to yourself when you stumble is crucial. Try to engage in self-awareness when you are having irrational thoughts or cognitive distortions. Instead of thinking of success and failure, adopt a more flexible approach to any setbacks that come your way.

Self-compassion involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to take a break and recalibrate yourself. Practicing self-compassion exercises can help reduce feelings of guilt or inadequacy, which in turn fosters resilience and encourages you to get back on track.

5. Check-in on yourself and reflect on the process

Regularly checking-in with yourself by incorporating mindfulness practices can help you stay attuned to your goals and aware of your own thoughts and feelings towards them. Mindfulness also encourages you to be patient with yourself and your journey. Reflect on the process and how far you’ve come with reflective questions like, “How do I feel about my progress so far and where I’m at right now?” and “What can I do to improve?” 

6. Involve your support system

Having a support system can be a powerful tool when working toward your goals. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to hold you accountable and offer encouragement can make a significant difference. You might even consider having a “goal partner” who is working toward a similar resolution, providing mutual support and accountability.

What happens when things don’t go according to plan? 

Despite your best efforts, things may not always go according to plan. Practicing radical acceptance, a distress tolerance skill, will be vital if this time comes. Radical acceptance involves accepting reality as it is without judgment. If you break your resolution, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you can’t change. You can always return to your goal after a setback. Moreover, remember that we can make goals and change at any point in our lives and that resolutions are not tied to the beginning of the year. Every day that we get is an opportunity for our growth. 

Setting and sticking to New Year’s resolutions can be tricky, but with the right mindset and approach, it’s within all of us to create lasting change. By setting realistic and meaningful goals and embracing flexible thinking, self-compassion, and self-awareness, you can fulfill that New Year’s resolution and prove that the new year can still be a time of hope and excitement.

References:

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Blog Everyday Thriving

My Idea of a Compassionate Christmas…♫: Celebrating the Holidays amidst Adversities

Self-Compassionate Christimas

The onset of popular Christmas songs tells us that connecting with our loved ones brings

happy memories and joy amidst the holiday rush. 

However, for some of us dealing with mental health challenges and difficult situations, Christmas songs and the concept of celebrating the holidays can bring painful emotions. We may be uncomfortable when pressured to “pretend” or appear happy and embrace the festive spirit. We may even feel difficult emotions such as guilt and shame when we have to prioritize ourselves and our mental health. Some of us may be dealing with loss, being away from loved ones, conflicts in relationships, and daily challenges such as financial and physical stress.

For students, additional stress and anxiety could mean abrupt or difficult changes in routine, navigating family dynamics and expectations to “perform” for others, and sometimes having to share academic achievements and deal with comparisons. 

For adults, parents, and employees alike, this could mean additional responsibilities that can increase physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion while managing conflicting feelings. 

Hence, preventing burnout and finding your balance from the push and pull of the holidays is significant. We can harness our inner strength of Self-compassion to build our resilience and moments of joy during the holidays. According to Kristin Neff, this means (1) treating ourselves with kindness despite the painful emotions we may be going through, (2) having a sense of common humanity in our struggles, and (3) practicing mindfulness while seeing our experiences from a compassionate and balanced perspective. 

Research shows that practicing self-compassion and healthy emotional boundaries increases emotion regulation and well-being, which helps us genuinely connect with family and friends during the holidays. 

Here are 5 tips to celebrate this holiday season with self-compassion:

1. Be gentle with yourself and take time to listen to your emotions.

Acknowledge your feelings with kindness and curiosity. Treat yourself with compassion and understanding when holiday activities prompt difficult and painful feelings. Start by observing, describing, and participating in your emotions without judgment and pressure to “pretend” otherwise. Remember that feelings and emotions come and go, and it is a natural human experience to feel these in light of the challenges that you may be going through. Recognize the pattern that starts to emerge when you are beginning to react. Instead, respond to your emotions with awareness and self-validation: 

● “It makes sense that I am feeling this way.”

● “It makes sense that I am feeling different than others may expect me to, and that is okay.” 

● “I am not my emotions. My emotions come and go. It does not define me. I can cope.” 

2. Self-soothe to relax and cope with the stress.

We can be there for ourselves by practicing mindfulness of our emotions and body sensations to create a sense of safety amidst the holiday stress and pressures. This also helps in modeling emotion regulation to others. When feeling overwhelmed, practice self-soothing techniques, such as breathing and emotional grounding exercises, to return to the present moment. Self-compassion means treating ourselves as a friend in stressful times. Part of this intention is to care for ourselves and accept our emotional experiences as they happen. 

● Pause and take a self-compassion break. 

● Practice deep and affectionate breathing exercises. 

● Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation. 

3. Prioritize and set your boundaries

To understand our comfort level and build moments of joy, evaluate what’s important to you and your mental health. Do things mindfully and one at a time. Manage your expectations. It is okay to delegate or ask for help. Keep the holidays in perspective and set boundaries to balance your to-do lists and emotional needs. Putting our priorities into action and communicating them means taking care of ourselves first and managing our capacity to care for others. 

● Start by writing a list of what truly matters to you and your intentions (“What I am going to do” and “What I am not going to do”). 

● Know your limitations and practice radical acceptance to enhance self-compassion when learning to delegate and saying “no.” 

● Remember that you can step back when you need to by being mindful of your expectations and limitations.

4. Reframe your thoughts and soften your critical voice

Step back from self-judgment and notice negative self-talk. Talk to your critical voice as if talking to a friend. Soften your critical voice by responding with kindness and compassion. Be curious and respond with a reassuring and loving tone. Show physical kindness and warmth to yourself by practicing compassionate self-hug and reframing through compassionate self-talk. 

● Ask yourself: “What are my emotions trying to tell me right now?” 

● “It makes sense that you are worried about me. You want to look out for me but are taking a harsh approach. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”

5. Seek support and meaningful connections.

We are not alone in experiencing painful emotions during the most joyous time of the year. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, frustration, and even anger are a part of human nature that everybody goes through at some point in our lives, and they can happen even during the holidays. Reminding ourselves that we are a part of a community may help lessen our tendency to withdraw and self-isolate. When we are compassionate to ourselves and others, we can also be more authentic and confident in participating in holiday activities. 

● Seek out or stay in therapy for additional support. 

● Reach out to a friend or your loved ones and specifically connect with supportive individuals within your circle. 

● Interact with others and in holiday events positively and within your set boundaries. ● Volunteer to engage your empathic nature and enhance your mood with positive actions. 

● Join support groups that help you increase your sense of community with others. 

Remember that finding balance in celebrating despite adversities encourages us to respect our feelings while enjoying what we value during the holidays. We can find gratitude in small things and embody a gentle and compassionate holiday.

Sources:

  • American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Tips for parents on managing holiday stress. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/holiday
  • American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Holidays don’t have to mean excess stress. It’s time to reframe your thoughts.
  • https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/202 3/12/how-adults-can-help-children-prevent-and-decompress-from-holiday-stress ● Hendel, H.J. (2020, November 25). Surviving painful holiday emotions. National Alliance on Mental Illness.
  • https://www.nami.org/blog-post/surviving-painful-holiday-emotions/
  • Mutz, M. (2016). Christmas and subjective well-being: A research note. Applied Research in Quality of Life, 11(4), 1341–1356. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11482-015-9441-8
  • Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
  • Páez, D., Bilbao, M. Á., Bobowik, M., Campos, M., & Basabe, N. (2011). Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! The impact of Christmas rituals on subjective well-being and family’s emotional climate. International Journal of Social Psychology, 26(3), 373–386.
  • Velamoor, V., Voruganti, L., & Nadkarni, N. (1999). Feelings about Christmas, as Reported by Psychiatric Emergency Patients. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 27(3), 303–308

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Blog Everyday Thriving General Thrive at Work Thrive in School

ADHD Diagnosis: Complexities and Caveats

ADHD

The Philippines has made significant strides in mental health awareness, thanks to professionals, advocates, and service users’ efforts. Initiatives such as the Philippine Mental Health Act (R.A. 11036) and the recognition of the rights of psychosocial disabilities under the Magna Carta for Disabled Persons (R.A. 7277) have played pivotal roles in this progress. Advocacy groups are also pushing for legislation like the Neurodivergent People’s Rights Act (H.B. 9787).

Despite these advancements, stigma and misunderstanding surround neurodevelopmental disorders, particularly Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). This is a developmental disorder characterized by patterns of hyperactivity, inattention, or a combination of the two. A diagnosis is given based on the severity of symptoms, level of impairment, and the presence of symptoms since childhood. Globally, ADHD affects 5-7.2% of youth and 2.5-6.7% of adults ,,; but Philippine figures are unfortunately scarce and outdated.

Consider a young boy in his Grade 1 classroom, labeled as “makulit,” “pasaway,” and even “bad,” while he struggles with symptoms of ADHD that go unrecognized. Similarly, imagine a woman in a bustling high-rise building, where her difficulties staying organized lead to exclusion from important email correspondences and social gatherings, all because her colleagues are unaware of her ADHD diagnosis.

Unfortunately, ADHD is still so often shrouded in stigma. Those grappling with the disorder find themselves wrestling to keep pace with the demands of daily life, be it at school, work, or social settings.

Recognizing ADHD as a genuine challenge and not a character flaw, is vital for supporting individuals and dispelling misconceptions.This condition, when properly diagnosed, can be life-saving, paving the way for individuals to alleviate suffering and reclaim their power. But however well-intentioned, there is still a risk of overdiagnosis- an issue that is particularly prevalent in the realm of ADHD, but also within the realm of mental health diagnoses at large. Overdiagnosis can occur due to various factors, ranging from clinician practices to caregiver influences, but this often looks like overprescription of medications and unnecessary interventions. In the case of ADHD, changes in criteria in the

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders between its fourth and fifth editions have contributed to this concern- it added examples of symptoms seen in adolescents and adults, lessened impairment criteria, and revised the age of onset.

We must also remember that for children, a certain level of kulit is normal and developmentally appropriate. It is a quintessential part of childhood, after all — to dash around, create chaos, and indulge in one’s imagination. However, what distinguishes ADHD diagnosis is the severity and persistence of symptoms over time to the point that there is impairment.

Context also may play a role in facilitating overdiagnoses and misdiagnoses. While legislative progress and heightened awareness have improved access to care, our “digital by default” age has introduced new challenges, further complicating the diagnostic process for mental health disorders. For example, during the pandemic, the proliferation of misleading TikTok videos about ADHD posed a significant risk, as many individuals were facing attention challenges. A study revealed that over half of these videos were misleading, with non-healthcare professionals being the primary uploaders, potentially leading to widespread misinformation and self-diagnosis among their viewers.

On the other hand, many individuals may go undiagnosed until much later, their struggles well-masked by societal expectations and coping mechanisms. There exist gendered differences in the diagnosis of ADHD: boys are significantly more diagnosed with ADHD compared to girls due to differences in presentation. Girls with ADHD often exhibit the inattentive type, which may not manifest as disruptive behavior and consequently may be overlooked for treatment unless their symptoms significantly impact their daily functioning.

And with any diagnosis, whether physical or not, early intervention is crucial. Effective treatment during childhood can significantly improve symptoms and overall functioning, leading to better outcomes. Unfortunately, if left untreated until adulthood, ADHD can result in chaotic lifestyles, other co-occurring mental disorders, and challenges in various aspects of life.

The journey towards an ADHD diagnosis can be unexpectedly complex. For individuals who resonate with ADHD symptoms, every step of the way demands cautious decision-making. It is crucial to be discerning with the information you consume and the healthcare providers that you trust. Ensure that they are equally diligent.

Self-reflection is also essential. Clarify your “why” behind seeking a diagnosis—It could be that receiving ADHD treatment might help you lead a much more fulfilling life. It could also be that you want relief from years of overcompensation. Whatever your “why” is, seeking a comprehensive assessment is essential in this process to tailor-fit treatment to your unique brain. It is not a one-size-fits-all diagnosis, however general the diagnostic manual may make it appear to be; a detailed picture of how your mind works, pinpointing your strengths and challenges, will help specify what you need.

Seeking consultations from various professionals, such as clinical psychologists and psychiatrists, can offer valuable insights and interventions for managing ADHD. Therapy is a crucial component of tailored interventions—it provides individuals with a safe space to learn more about themselves, as well as equips them with essential skills and strategies to cope with their symptoms. Additionally, executive function coaching can further empower individuals with ADHD to navigate daily challenges effectively and achieve their goals. Executive function coaching focuses on enhancing skills like organization, time management, and task prioritization- these are skills that are often affected by ADHD symptoms. By addressing these areas, your quality of life may be significantly enhanced.

Despite the leaps and bounds in mental health perceptions, access, and service delivery, there is still much work to be done. Whether for ourselves or others, there is no time like the present to advocate for better education on mental health concerns like ADHD. Indeed, it is an ongoing journey to challenge misconceptions, develop discernment, and embrace the complexities of these issues. However, it is essential to see the merit in all this effort, to recognize that finally receiving the proper help can save lives. By advocating for improved access to accurate diagnosis and comprehensive treatment, we can empower individuals with ADHD to finally thrive in their communities.

For Executive Functioning (EF) coaching and other clinical services, contact us at clinic@wethriveinc.com.

Sources:

https://lawphil.net/statutes/repacts/ra2018/ra_11036_2018.html
http://hrlibrary.umn.edu/research/Philippines/RA%207277%20-%20Magna%20Carta%20of%20Disabled%20Persons.pdf
https://hrep-website.s3.ap-southeast-1.amazonaws.com/legisdocs/basic_19/HB09787.pdf
Posner J, Polanczyk GV, Sonuga-Barke E. Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Lancet. 2020;395(10222):450–462. doi: 10.1016/S0140-6736(19)33004-1.
 Song P, Zha M, Yang Q, Zhang Y, Li X, Rudan I. The prevalence of adult attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A global systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Global Health. 2021;11:04009. doi: 10.7189/jogh.11.04009.
Thomas R, Sanders S, Doust J, Beller E, Glasziou P. Prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a systematic review and metaanalysis. Pediatrics. 2015;135(4):e994–e1001. doi: 10.1542/peds.2014-3482.
 Merten, E. C., Cwik, J. C., Margraf, J., & Schneider, S. (2017). Overdiagnosis of mental disorders in children and adolescents (in developed countries). Child and adolescent psychiatry and mental health, 11, 1-11.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/ 
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Neurodevelopmental disorders. In Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).
Yeung, A., Ng, E., & Abi-Jaoude, E. (2022). TikTok and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a cross-sectional study of social media content quality. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 67(12), 899-906.
Bruchmüller, K., Margraf, J., & Schneider, S. (2012). Is ADHD diagnosed in accord with diagnostic criteria? Overdiagnosis and influence of client gender on diagnosis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 80(1), 128–138. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026582 
 Ginsberg, Y., Quintero, J., Anand, E., Casillas, M., & Upadhyaya, H. P. (2014). Underdiagnosis of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in adult patients: a review of the literature. The primary care companion for CNS disorders, 16(3), 23591.

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Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work

Why Can’t We Be Friends?: Why it’s hard for adults to make friends and why we should do it anyway

It was a love-hate relationship in a stressful, high-demand working environment.

I met Gen, a highly regarded business partner in human resources while I was her new vendor relationship manager, eager to earn my stripes.  In the workplace, measuring each other up can be quite a common phenomenon, and we held each other with a ton of accountability.  A few months down the road and we were regularly going on coffee runs, having lunch dates and laughing about things work and non-work.

This was several years ago and a few employers then after.  We’ve seen each other four times since. We are “friends”, but not quite.  We keep trying but life gets in the way. She would send me a voice message of her singing that 70’s punk song “Why can’t we be friends?” whenever our schedules to meet up don’t match.  Our story is not unusual. 

Having recently encountered big life events, such as moving cities and getting married, I can’t help but realize how I’ve neglected to restock my circle of friends. In adulthood, plenty of people enter our lives, but to have actual close friends – the kind you can call in a crisis, those can come in shorter supply.  I got to wondering, what complicates adult friendships?

Adult friendships can be more complex and challenging for several reasons:

  1. Time constraints: As adults, we often have numerous responsibilities such as work, family, and personal commitments. Finding time to nurture friendships can become increasingly difficult, especially if friends have conflicting schedules or live far apart.
  2. Life transitions and different life stages: Adults undergo various life transitions such as moving to new cities, changing jobs, getting married, or having children. These transitions can impact friendships as priorities shift and lifestyles diverge. Not all adults are at the same stage in life. Some may be focused on advancing their careers, while others may be starting families or exploring new interests. These differences can lead to disparities in values, priorities, and available time for socializing.
  3. Trust and vulnerability: Building deep, meaningful friendships requires trust and vulnerability. However, past experiences, disappointments, or betrayals may make adults more guarded and cautious about opening up to new friends or maintaining existing relationships.
  4. Limited social circles: Unlike childhood or adolescence, where social circles are often abundant and easily accessible, adults may find themselves with fewer opportunities to meet new people and expand their social networks, especially if they lead busy or isolated lives.

Today, with hybrid online work spaces, freelancing and the gig economy on the rise, it’s becoming harder to recreate the structure and conditions that sociologists have considered as important ingredients to making close friends: repeated and unplanned interactions, proximity and an environment for people to confide in each other.  

I wish it was easier like before, but if you are waiting for things to happen organically, then you may have to be ready to wait for a long while.

I can understand why most people don’t find this as an urgent need or even a crisis – friendship.  There’s a certain hierarchy that culture puts on romantic love or familial love leaving platonic love and friendships at the bottom. Yet our bodies have always craved for a sense of resonance and communion with others. Recent studies on loneliness can certainly agree.

A paper published in the Nature Human Behavior journal suggests people who dealt with social isolation had a 32% higher risk of dying early from any cause compared with individuals who weren’t socially isolated. The paper was a meta-analyses of 90 studies on the connection between loneliness, social isolation, and early death among over 2 million adults.  The World Health Organization has even launched a commission that would put loneliness at the top of its global public health priorities from 2024 to 2026.

Now one might think loneliness would not be such a major concern for our country yet because our culture and values compel us to keep in constant touch with our social networks or take responsibility within our family systems. Besides, Filipinos are generally known to be friendly and cheerful, right? Surprisingly, a survey in October of 2023 by Meta and Gallup found that the Philippines is one of the countries with high levels of self-reported loneliness, with 57% of Filipinos saying they are feeling lonely compared to a worldwide average of 24%. 

In general, adult friendship was found to predict or at least be positively correlated with wellbeing and its components (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023). In particular, the results showed that friendship quality and socializing with friends predict wellbeing levels.  

If we all can be healthier individuals through friendships, and if we all can benefit from other people bringing out the full richness and complexity of who we are, why aren’t we all jumping into opportunities to make friends?

Psychologist and author of the book Platonic, Dr. Marisa Franco suggests there are two main reasons why we likely devalue the need to make friends as adults.  First of all, she mentions the paradox of people.  While being around other people has all kinds of benefits, people can also be scary – they can be hurtful and they can reject us. Second of all, not many us know how to make friends!

Making new friends and cultivating friendships as an adult can indeed be challenging, but it’s certainly possible with some effort and intentionality. So here are a few tips:

1. Take initiative

Don’t wait for others to initiate plans. Be proactive in reaching out to acquaintances or colleagues to suggest grabbing coffee, attending an event together, or simply catching up.

2. Stay open-minded

    Be open to forming friendships with people from different backgrounds, ages, or walks of life. Diversity enriches our lives and provides opportunities for learning and growth.

    3. Be a good listener

      Cultivate active listening skills and show genuine interest in others. Ask open-ended questions, offer support and encouragement, and remember details from previous conversations to demonstrate that you value the relationship.

      4. Nurture your existing friendships

        Don’t neglect the friendships you already have. Make time to connect with existing friends, whether through regular meetups, phone calls, or virtual hangouts.

        5. Turn your hobbies and personal interests into a community.

          Attend classes, workshops, and join meet-ups with like-minded individuals. Enroll in classes related to your personal or professional development. These settings can provide opportunities for meaningful interactions.

          6. Be patient and persistent.

            Building genuine friendships takes time and effort. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. Keep putting yourself out there and be patient as you develop new connections.

            By incorporating these strategies in seeking out new connections, you may just increase your chances of making meaningful friendships as an adult.

            I am also keeping in mind that for friendship to happen, one needs to be brave. We have to believe we are likeable and lean into the parts of ourselves that simply want to connect.

              References:

              • Wang, F., Gao, Y., Han, Z. et al. A systematic review and meta-analysis of 90 cohort studies of social isolation, loneliness and mortality. Nat Hum Behav 7, 1307–1319 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-023-01617-6
              • https://www.who.int/news/item/15-11-2023-who-launches-commission-to-foster-social-connection
              • Pezirkianidis C, Christopoulou M, Galanaki E, Kounenou K, Karakasidou E, Lekka D, Kalamatianos A, Stalikas A. Exploring friendship quality and the practice of savoring in relation to the wellbeing of Greek adults. Front Psychol. 2023 Oct 6;14:1253352. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1253352. PMID: 37868602; PMCID: PMC10588444.
              • https://www.gmanetwork.com/news/lifestyle/content/887116/57-of-pinoys-self-reported-feeling-lonely-survey/story/
              • Marisa G. Franco, P. (2022). Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. Unabridged Books on Tape.
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              Blog Everyday Thriving General Wellbeing Practices

              Eco-diving, Mindfulness, and the Art of Buoyancy in Daily Living

              As a diver, I am captivated by the underwater world’s wonder, beauty, and diverse range of life. However, with this fascination comes the responsibility to experience the underwater realm in a way that respects and preserves its delicate ecosystems. This has led me to adopt the principles of eco-diving, mindfulness, and buoyancy, which have not only transformed my diving experiences but also profoundly impacted my daily life.

              I now view everyday life as a journey filled with challenges, choices, and opportunities for growth. Amidst the hustle and bustle, I have found unexpected inspiration and guidance. The principles of eco-diving, which focus on minimizing our impact on the environment, have taught me to be more mindful of my actions and their consequences. Mindfulness, which involves being present at the moment and observing my thoughts and emotions without judgment, has helped me develop a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional regulation. The concept of buoyancy, which refers to the ability to control one’s depth and movement underwater, has taught me the importance of balance and adaptability in all aspects of life.

              Here are some nuggets of wisdom I have learned along the way that I feel are worth sharing:

              1. Making Sustainable Choices

              As I navigate the aisles of grocery stores or scroll through online shopping platforms, I am often reminded of the impact of my choices on the environment. Inspired by eco-diving, I have begun to prioritize sustainability in my purchases. Opting for reusable products over single-use plastics, choosing items with minimal packaging, and supporting eco-conscious brands have become small yet meaningful steps toward reducing my ecological footprint. While seemingly insignificant, these choices collectively contribute to a more sustainable lifestyle that aligns with my values and commitment to protecting the planet.

              2. Embracing Mindfulness

              Amid busy schedules and never-ending to-do lists, it has become crucial to have moments of mindfulness to maintain my mental well-being. Drawing inspiration from my experiences underwater, where every breath serves as a reminder to stay present in the moment, I am trying to incorporate mindfulness practices into my daily routine. Whether it is taking a moment to fully appreciate the aroma of my morning coffee, enjoying a brief walk to appreciate the beauty of nature, or doing breathing exercises before bed, these moments of stillness help me to stay grounded in the present and provide a sense of tranquility amidst the chaos of life.

              3. Engaging in Active Conservation Efforts

              Although I do not get to go diving very often, my passion for marine conservation goes beyond just exploring the ocean’s depths. After seeing the positive impact of community-driven initiatives while eco-diving, I have actively sought opportunities to contribute to local conservation efforts. This has included participating in beach clean-ups, volunteering with environmental organizations, and promoting sustainable practices within my community as much as possible. Through these experiences, I have realized the power of collective action in preserving our planet. They have allowed me to make a more significant impact and given me a sense of connection and purpose that goes beyond myself.

              4. Finding Balance Amidst Chaos

              In a world that can often feel chaotic and overwhelming, it has become a constant pursuit to master the art of buoyancy, both underwater and in daily life. As I adjust my buoyancy to maintain stability in the water, I have learned to navigate life’s ups and downs with resilience and adaptability. Trying to prioritize self-care, setting boundaries, and embracing imperfection have become invaluable tools to maintain balance amidst life’s challenges. While the journey towards equilibrium may be ongoing, each moment of grace and resilience serves as a reminder of the inherent strength within myself.

              5. Cultivating Connections with Nature

              Despite the demands of modern life, I have made a conscious effort to reconnect with nature in meaningful ways. I take leisurely walks and pause to admire the beauty of the sky. These moments of communion with the natural world nourish my soul and replenish my spirit. The awe inspires me, and the wonder I experience underwater has helped me appreciate the intricate beauty of the world around me and the profound interconnectedness of all living beings.

              6. Mindful Consumption

              As I continue to learn and navigate the complexities of consumer culture, I have become increasingly mindful of my consumption habits and their impact on the planet. Drawing from the principles of buoyancy control, which emphasize awareness of one’s surroundings, I have cultivated a more conscious approach to shopping and consumption. Whether reducing waste, opting for sustainable alternatives, or supporting local artisans and businesses, each choice reflects my commitment to being a responsible steward of the Earth’s resources.

              7. Embracing Community and Collaboration

              One of the most important lessons I learned from my experiences underwater is the power of community and collaboration in bringing about positive change. Last year, I went on a solo dive trip with the Coral Reef & Rainforest Conservation Project (CRCP). I witnessed firsthand how eco-divers work together to protect vulnerable marine ecosystems. Since then, I have been actively seeking opportunities to collaborate with like-minded individuals and organizations in my community. Whether joining forces for environmental advocacy, volunteering for conservation projects, or simply sharing ideas and resources, these collaborative efforts remind me of our collective strength in shaping a more sustainable future.

              The principles of eco-diving, mindfulness, and buoyancy can guide us toward a more conscious, connected, and compassionate existence in our daily lives. These timeless truths can help us navigate the complexities of modern living and find solace and inspiration. Embracing the journey with an open heart and a sense of wonder can lead us to a more fulfilling life. As a diver, I have learned valuable lessons by adopting these principles, becoming a more responsible and balanced individual who strives to positively impact the environment and the people around me.

              References:

              https://biologicaldiversity.org/programs/population_and_sustainability/sustainability/live_more_sustainably.html
              https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2022/10/3-ways-help-consumers-make-more-sustainable-choices
              https://www.greenmatch.co.uk/blog/how-to-be-more-eco-friendly
              https://www.unep.org/explore-topics/resource-efficiency/what-we-do/sustainable-lifestyles
              https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/power-mindful-consumption-why-cultivate-restful-world-khan-bhaduri
              https://coralreefandrainforestconservationproject.org/
              https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0969698923002783
              https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1877042815020200

              Categories
              Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work

              I can HEAR you: Practicing Co-Regulation in the Workplace

              co-regulation

              Humans are social beings, and we are hardwired to connect. We intuitively scan our surroundings for cues of safety and danger. In order to survive, we observe, process, and respond to what is going on in our environment. Being aware of what makes our own nervous system responses, as well as those of others, kick in, can help us build healthier communities.

              -Sofie Malm

              I recently was involved in a difficult situation at work. The project lead had a lot of ideas that he wanted to implement without taking into consideration the amount of work and effort it would take to set these up. Apart from that, there were loose ends of the project that were not properly communicated leaving the team at a loss on how to navigate the completion of the project. I found myself very upset about this and instead of having a challenging conversation about how I felt about it, I made passive-aggressive comments and felt checked out about the whole project. Fortunately, one of our team members sensed the tension and encouraged us to take a deep breath in and out for a few minutes to practice mindfulness, to take things one task at a time, and offered support if anyone needed any. 

              Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Have you ever wondered why even though we know what we need to rationally do, we still end up doing the irrational one that could possibly hurt our relationships? Don’t fret because this is more normal than you thought and can be explained by how our brain circuitry works. 

              Our brain constantly scans for threats in our environment and this happens subconsciously or what we call neuroception. If it perceives a threat, our autonomic nervous system (ANS) gets activated and prepares our body (increases our heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing, and slows down digestion) to respond. According to the Polyvagal Theory (PVT) our body can respond in three ways. These are influenced by the evolutionary structures of the brain. The oldest structure, the reptilian brain, causes us to be immobilized. It’s when we tend to be frozen, numb, or shut down. The next structure or the mammalian brain moves us to mobilization. When this is activated, we feel the adrenaline rush that helps us either stay and fight or run away from the threat. The newest structure, or the neocortex, allows us to stay engaged, connected, safe, calm, and creative in the present moment. 

              Imagine these responses on a ladder with the immobilized state at the bottom rung and the engaged state at the highest rung. As we are presented with different experiences, we move up and down the ladder depending on how our brains interpret the situation at hand. Going back to our example, as more demands were given for the project that exceeded the resources available, I found myself moving up and down the mobilized and immobilized state unable to reach the socially engaged state. 

              At work, we are faced with different experiences such as an increase in work demand, unclear expectations, and implementation of new systems to name a few, which can be detected as a threat by our nervous system. These provoke different responses in individuals and can cause us to be emotionally dysregulated. This explains why some, me included, may respond in a manner that is not productive for the situation. If this is not managed, it can cause problems in the long run. It can impact productivity and even relationships in the workplace. What do we do now? 

              One pathway you can try is called co-regulation.

              Co-regulation is the “interactive and dynamic process of mutual emotional regulation, where two individuals seek to help each other actively in order to manage their emotional expression and states.” This is made possible by our mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are specialized brain cells that help us recognize the emotional state of another person. When we embody calmness, our mirror neurons show this message to another person’s mirror neurons which brings them from a state of dysregulation to regulation. 

              In the workplace, whenever you feel that there you or your teammates are in the immobilized or fight or flight state, you can practice co-regulation by following the acronym HEAR. As an example, I included what our teammate said to practice co-regulation. 

              Hold space

              When emotions are very high, we need to give ourselves and others an opportunity to step back, stop what we are doing, and hold space for the emotions that we are feeling. In this step, we want to avoid overidentifying and downplaying our emotions. It is a time to notice what we are feeling and where we are feeling it in our body. We want to pull ourselves in the present so that we can be attuned to our own and other’s emotions without judgement. 

              In this step, we can do grounding techniques such as a body scan and different breathing exercises. This can help us be aware of the physical and emotional warning signs of our body. 

              “Once you read this, I want everyone to breathe in and breathe out for a few minutes and practice a little bit of mindfulness. Close the tabs that are open if your windows are full.” 

              Empathize

              Once we have calmed down, we can proceed to the next step which is to empathize. Empathizing can be shown through establishing eye contact to make a person feel seen or creating physical contact if possible. This can be as simple as sitting near the distressed person or just being with them in a video call. In this step, we should also take into consideration the level of comfortability of the person. 

              Apart from establishing contact, this is where we can express our observations about the behaviors that we were seeing and the tension we were feeling. It is also helpful to ask for feedback if what you were observing and sensing were correct. 

              “I know things have been very busy and tense for the past couple of weeks especially now that our tasks and projects are piling up.” 

              Actively Listen

              When your teammates are giving feedback and expressing their emotions, thoughts, and concerns, practice active listening. Make sure that as you hear them out, there are no distractions present. To ensure that you understood them, try to use your own words to explain what they just shared. This gives them a signal that you are attuned to what they are feeling and saying. This gives them a sense of validation which increases their feelings of safety. 

              “I completely understand this and I appreciate you opening up to me. I also would love to comment this vulnerability. It’s been a very tough few weeks for everyone especially for your unit. I really understand where you are coming from. If I feel kept in the dark for tasks that I need to do, I would also feel the same way” 

              Reflect feelings and perspectives

              As the team enters the socially engaged state, it is important to remind each and everyone that it’s normal to feel upset, that things at work may sometimes feel like a threat to us. What’s important is that we are able to notice when our emotional states and resulting behaviors are going against our own values and hurting our relationships and productivity in the process. When we notice, we are able to pull one another into a regulated state. After all, we are working towards a common goal. 

              After our teammate practiced HEAR, I felt safe and more comfortable to have the challenging conversation I was avoiding. I was able to express where the pain point was coming from, what values were being violated that caused me to be uneasy about the progress of the project. To date, we are working on fixing the pain points that we are facing and are more open in airing out similar concerns in upcoming projects. 

              We spend a third of our lives at work and spend at least eight hours a day, five times a week with our workmates. We can leverage our collective power to rewire our brains so that despite challenges, we are able to maintain a regulated state that can enhance not only our own productivity but also develop positive and meaningful relationships with our colleagues as well. 

              References:

              Categories
              Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

              Laugh heals! The Benefits of Laughter and Humor in Our Well-being

              laugh heals

              Filipinos are known to be witty, fun-loving, humorous, and always smiling. It is common for Filipino citizens to turn a trending social issue into memes to lighten the mood or make the problem a lot easier to take. On TV and in street bars, there are stand-up comedians entertaining people with banter and jokes, and in a family setting, there will always be that one dad or uncle who is a “jokester”. According to anthropologist  Dr. Clemente Camposano, Chancellor of UP Visayas, jokes allow people to tackle real problems “in a manner that does not create tension.” 

              So what do laughter and humor have to do with our well-being? 

              Positive psychologists are particularly interested in the significance of humor as a character strength and a virtue that is crucial to human flourishing (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). It makes sense that those with a good sense of humor will be in a better position to handle trying circumstances, enjoy more cohesive relationships, find humor in all kinds of experiences, and benefit from more positive mental and physical health. (Martin, 2019).

              Many studies have discovered that engaging in a humor exercise is associated with a positive mood, increased life satisfaction and a pleasurable and engaged life, and positive cognitive appraisals (Edwards, 2013, Maiolino & Kuiper, 2016, Ruch, Proyer, & Weber, 2010, Samson & Antonelli, 2013). Adaptive humor is linked with increased stable positive mood and decreased stable negative mood (Cann & Collette, 2014). On the other hand, detrimental humor (such as sarcasm and self-deprecating humor) is thought to have possible drawbacks like reduced relationship quality and low self-esteem (Martin, 2019). Existing research suggests that humor may have a variety of health benefits for patients, including improved interpersonal relationships, higher pleasant emotions, increased immunity, reduced pain, and happy emotions (Gelkopf, 2011).

              According to Dr. Maria Rhodora Ancheta of the Department of English and Comparative Literature, College of Arts and Letters, University of the Philippines Diliman,  “national humor” unites Filipinos and is a potent showcase of “Filipino-ness.” At times of crisis, it serves as a “social glue” that unites all Filipinos who have gone through the same experiences. This shared laughter is what builds the essential solidarity that enables everyone to understand that many people can connect to their experiences. Despite our daily struggles, traumatic experiences, and embarrassing situations, laughing and humor provide us with comfort and positivity and pave the way for how we socialize with a sense of humor.

              As it lessens the weight of difficult emotions, humor fits under the category of emotion-focused coping. Pinoys utilize comedy as a coping mechanism. By focusing on the funny parts of every situation they encounter instead of the issues at hand, they avoid life’s toughest headaches. Filipinos are able to boost one another’s spirits in the midst of hardship, making stressful circumstances more cheerful and less serious.

              Humor is associated with innovation and productivity. Pinoys use their creativity to make others laugh. Filipinos are also quite talented at adapting and localizing foreign memes. They establish a distinctively Pinoy meme culture by combining elements of Filipino culture into memes, which distinguishes their sense of humor from those of other ethnic groups. Filipinos enjoy a bubble of happiness that is resonated with their common norms and shared experiences in diverse situations.

              Filipinos use humor to resolve disputes without raising stress. Yet, humor may also be a technique for Filipinos to communicate hatred without raising tension or to channel their unfavorable sentiments toward others without immediately leading to heated confrontations. Laughter can sometimes disguise and deter Filipinos from taking critical things seriously. We utilize comedy to communicate our identities as well as our ideas and perspectives, some of which may offend certain individuals. Filipinos have discovered a means to spread relevant ideals and viewpoints based on current national realities by using comedy.

              Then, what’s the difference between humor and laughter? Humor is an attitude. The ability to view the world as something other than awful (Ellis & Adams, 1994). It’s the ability to be childlike, not take things too seriously, and wear a positive worldview lens. Laughter is an expression of the outcome of humor. 

              We are left with the questions of how genuine laughter can be the best medicine and how the power of humor heals.

              Here are some benefits of laughing:

              Social Benefits

              There is something sacred about humor. If you can laugh at yourself, then you can forgive yourself. And if you can forgive yourself, you can forgive others.

              —Bianca L. Rodriguez, LMFT

              Laughter can improve relationships and your understanding of both yourself and others.

              According to Scott, people laugh in order to get closer to each other. “Laughter is the social glue that makes and strengthens our links with other people.”

              Remember the last time you found someone attractive because of their smile? It helps defuse conflict and adds positivity to conversations. Promotes and enhances teamwork and group bonding.

              Mental Health Benefits

              Laughing can help to reduce stress, as well as tension and anxiety. In the long run, it can boost resilience, increase joy and zest for life, and elevate mood and memory. Laughter alters your perception, enabling you to perceive situations in a more practical and non-threatening way. A light-hearted viewpoint fosters psychological distance, which can assist you in resolving conflict and preventing feelings of overwhelm. You can unwind and recharge with laughter. It lowers stress and boosts energy, allowing you to maintain focus and accomplish more.

              Physical Health Benefits

              Humor brings comfort and eases physical pain.

              We know that laughter has been shown in studies to improve your pain threshold, likely due to an endorphin-mediated opiate effect. What is interesting is that this appears to be independent of your mood, meaning that it can have a positive effect even when you are down.

              — Robert Bonakdar MD, FAAFP, FACN

              Laughter can prevent heart disease and improve heart health. It improves sleep, boosts immunity, and lowers stress hormones. Laughter stimulates many organs, increases the amount of oxygen-rich air you breathe in, stimulates your heart, lungs, and muscles, and increases the amount of endorphins your brain releases.  Additionally, laughter can also increase blood circulation and help with muscle relaxation, which can help alleviate some of the physical symptoms of stress.

              According to Dr. Lee Birk, who led a study of the interaction between the brain, behavior, and the immune system, “the anticipation of a happy laughter experience lowers levels of three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine (also known as adrenaline), and dopac.”

              Tips on how to bring more laughter into our lives:

              Start with a smile

              The half-smile is a relaxation technique that helps you feel calmer and accept the reality of stressful situations. Half-smiling is achieved by relaxing your face (from your brow to your jaw and chin) and raising your lips into a tiny half-smile. The act of smiling, whether real or fake, causes your body to release endorphins, which are feel-good chemicals. Furthermore, a fake smile tends to lead to a genuine one, making laughter easier to come by and, as a result, relieving stress more easily.

              Recruit funny friends

              Spend more time around funny people. Social support is an essential component of stress management. Find a friend or group of friends with whom you can share your frustrations and challenges while also laughing about them. Even if your friends are not present, you can lift your spirits by thinking about the retelling that will take place later.

              Find funny entertainment

              Watch or listen to stand-up comedy and or read funny books. 

              Don’t be afraid to embrace your inner child

              Adults frequently believe that they must always act in an “age-appropriate” manner. However, if being silly and playful made you happy when you were 12, it is likely that it will make you happy now. Don’t deny yourself happiness because you feel obligated to act a certain way.

              Even in the face of difficulties and hardships, Filipinos are known for having the highest levels of happiness. The Philippines ranked as the third-happiest nation in the world in Gallup’s 41st Annual Global End of Year Survey. It is noteworthy that Filipinos use their “national humor” in various contexts and for various purposes. Being able to see the situation through the optimistic lens of humor rekindles Filipinos’ hope and sense of community in overcoming whatever life throws at them. On the bright side, always finding a reason to smile in the middle of a storm adds up to the genuineness of Filipino humor.

              References:

              • Ancheta, Maria Rhodora G. (2011) Halakhak: Defining the “National” in the Humor of Philippine Popular Culture. Thammasat Review, 14 (1). pp. 35-60. ISSN 0859-5747
              • Samuels, Roanne (2019) Filipinos and Their Contagious Laughter. The Power of Humor to Heal.https://kalamansijuice.com/filipinos-and-their-contagious-laughter-the-power-of-humor-to-heal/
              • Field, Barbara (2021) The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter. Reviewed by David Susman, PhD. https://www.verywellmind.com/health-benefits-of-humor-and-laughter-5101137
              • Robinson, Lawrence; Smith, Melinda;  M.A. and  Segal, Jeanne Ph.D. (2023) Laughter is the Best Medicine. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm
              • Yim, J. (2016). Therapeutic Benefits of Laughter in Mental Health: A Theoretical Review. The Tohoku Journal of Experimental Medicine, 239(3), 243–249.
              • Speer, M. E., & Delgado, M. R. (2017). Reminiscing about positive memories buffers acute stress responses. Nature Human Behaviour, 1(5), 0093.
              • Romundstad, S., Svebak, S., Holen, A., & Holmen, J. (2016). A 15-Year Follow-Up Study of Sense of Humor and Causes of Mortality: The Nord-Trøndelag Health Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, 78(3), 345–353.
              • Manninen, S., Tuominen, L., Dunbar, R. I., Karjalainen, T., Hirvonen, J., Arponen, E., Hari, R., Jääskeläinen, I. P., Sams, M., & Nummenmaa, L. (2017). Social Laughter Triggers Endogenous Opioid Release in Humans. The Journal of Neuroscience, 37(25), 6125–6131.
              • Buchowski, M. S., Majchrzak, K. M., Blomquist, K., Chen, K. Y., Byrne, D. W., & Bachorowski, J.-A. (2007). Energy expenditure of genuine laughter. International Journal of Obesity, 31(1), 131–137.
              • Sangco, Andrea. When In Manila Bob  May 11, 2006. https://www.wheninmanila.com/draft-here-are-4-reasons-why-filipino-humor-is-noteworthy/
              • Robinson, L., Smith, M., & Segal, J. (2021). Laughter is the Best Medicine. Retrieved from the Help Guide website: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm [Last updated: July 2021]
              • Mayo Clinic. Stress Management. Retrieved from the Mayo Clinic website: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-    relief/art-20044456 [Last updated: July 29, 2021]
              • Lonczak , Heather S., Smith, William. Humor in Psychology: Coping and Laughing your woes away. Retrieved from the Positive Psychology website: https://positivepsychology.com/humor-psychology/#strength [Last updated: July 08, 2020]
              • Scott, Elizabeth; Chung, Adah. How to Use Humor to Cope with Stress. Retrieved from the https://www.verywellmind.com/maintain-a-sense-of-humor-3144888 website [Last updated: June 12, 2022]
              • Lapena, Carmela. Use Pinoy ‘national humor’ to diffuse conflict, survive tough times. Retrieved the  from https://www.gmanetwork.com/news/lifestyle/content/284308/use-pinoy-national-humor-to-diffuse-conflict-survive-tough-times/story/ website. [Last updated: November 29, 2012]
              Categories
              Blog Everyday Thriving

              Parents, here’s what it means to teach your kids about bodily autonomy

              bodily autonomy

              Parents and adults from conservative cultures may find it difficult to open up to discuss sexuality at home. They may also feel that they lack the knowledge, so they couldn’t start a conversation about it. They may also think that children must not learn about sexual intercourse and related behaviors at a young age. It is a myth that we would like to address immediately. Sexuality education does not only encompass teaching about the “sexual act”. In fact, it entails significantly more, including forming social relationships, communication, and roles and activities they like to partake in in the future. Children should have a consistent, reliable adult in their lives, if they are to start knowing themselves, and the world around them.

              Sexuality is …a central aspect of being human throughout life encompasses sex, gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy and reproduction.

              Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviors, practices, roles and relationships. While sexuality can include all of these dimensions, not all of them are always experienced or expressed.

              Sexuality is influenced by the interaction of biological, psychological, social, economic, political, cultural, legal, historical, religious and spiritual factors.” (World Health Organization, n.d.)

              Sexuality Education should provide young people with the knowledge, skills and efficacy to make informed decisions about their sexuality and lifestyle. (United Nations for Youth, n.d.)

              Sexuality is a broad topic, so it is understandably difficult to start to talk about it. So, in this blog, we are focusing on bodily autonomy for toddlers (2-3 years old) and preschool aged children (3-5 years old). We start small. We adhere to sexuality-related age-appropriate themes to teach the children and the young people. But this is also to highlight how important it is to begin sexuality education in childhood. The relationships surrounding the child are already a valuable training ground for them to learn how to assert themselves, in the things that make them comfortable and uneasy. The decisions that they learn to make at an early age, they will be able to bring with them as they grow older. 

              So, let’s talk about bodily autonomy.

              Bodily autonomy is defined as the right of an individual to have control over their body, and withdraw consent from activities involving their body at any time. (Abegdesan, 2022)

              What does bodily autonomy look like in a caregiver-child relationship? 

              1. Respecting the rights of the children to their own bodies

              It begins with labeling of private parts correctly. Instead of banana, we teach children to refer to it as penis o titi/tite. And instead of flower, we call it vagina o pepe. 

                From here, we could start introducing them to the concept of bad touch versus good touch. What body parts can people, even family members touch? What body parts can they not touch?

                And finally, consent. We can teach children consent through modeling. Practice asking questions to children: May I kiss you? May I hug you? May I touch you? 

                Inform them that they can always say no, without the need to justify. And that their no’s should be respected, and that they have the right to decide if they want to do or engage in something, because it involves themselves, their bodies, and their comfort. We also should not ask or force them to hug or high five an older relative or a friend during social gatherings. 

                2. Understanding that children’s knowledge of bodily autonomy could protect them from harassers and violators

                From teaching children consent, they can already spot and name the violations that could be done to them. You may also tell your child to go to you if something or someone has made them feel uncomfortable. 

                3. Recognizing that sexuality talks is a long-term partnership with your child

                The themes of your conversations with your kid will progress as they age. Here are some helpful websites that you may use to look for topics to teach your child about sexuality. https://rootsofhealth.org/ | https://www.scarleteen.com/

                The provided websites offer an array of topics related to sexuality. Their manner of giving information is based on what teenagers are curious about during their adolescent years. You will notice that the topics range from body anatomy, self-awareness, and communication, to sexual behaviors. It offers plenty of entry points when you try to provide a safe space, where your children can safely ask questions and be informed of matters that concern them as humans.

                4. Accepting that discussions about bodily autonomy are related to their sexual health

                Your encouragement to them to talk openly about sexuality will impact their decisions in the future. If at home your children are able to understand and practice their rights, and are able to ask questions without being invalidated, they will be able to know in the future what information, options, and services should be available for them. 

                5. Teaching your kids to empower others

                Individuals who experienced meaningful respect at home can give it to other people! 

                Getting support from your community/ies. Parenting is challenging. And to learn the preferable ways to foster a child’s development is an added challenge, especially if it involves updating your cultural beliefs! So it is highly encouraged that you also get your personal support from communities who also advocate for sexuality education in children and teens.

                References:

                Categories
                Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work

                Creating workplaces where “care” matters

                culture of care

                The month of October is Mental Health Month, and this year we are focusing on how to build workplaces that embody wellbeing. To learn more about our ongoing work with organizations to create these cultures of care in their workplaces, stay tuned for our upcoming activity Leading with Care: The Neuroscience and Practice of Leading a Culture of Care in the Workplace on 07 November 2023.

                In We Thrive, we look at mental health as the coming together of many different factors which determine the capacity of a person to live in a way that allows them to reach their fullest potentials. Of course, our individual exercise of our faculties is critical: how we cope with difficult experiences and savor positive ones; how we pay attention to how we feel and think about ourselves and the world; how we interact with others and take part in their lives; and so on. Nowadays, we refer to things like this using the umbrella term “self-care” (ISF, 2023). But as we probably already know, individual efforts are sometimes not enough to reach. We don’t always cope particularly well; we aren’t always able to stop and smell the roses; we aren’t always able to pay attention to what’s happening; and our ability to be part of other people’s lives, or let them be part of ours, is not always at its best. Sometimes, you need help. “The ability to ask for and obtain help is a valuable life skill,” as psychologist Debbie Sorensen puts it, partly as a comment to our culturally-ingrained hyper-focus on independence (Sorensen, 2022). So besides “self-care”, realizing our potentials includes the essential component of togetherness, where interdependence is just as prized as independence, and where reaching one’s potentials is not simply an individual effort. We can call this “community care”: as author and psychotherapist Minaa B. defines as “[using] our power, privilege, and resources to better the people who are both in and out of our scope of reach” (Minaa B., 2021). 

                The idea that “our wellbeing is contagious” gives us a sense of how embedded the impulses of community care actually is in our human makeup, and how our own health and flourishing depends as much on others as it does on our own efforts in ways that sometimes surprises us (Suttie, 2020). And in relation to workplace stress and one of the primary mental health challenges of “[managing] the pressures so that life is productive and enjoyable” (Teasedale, 2006), the idea of community care can provide a more integrative approach to ensuring the wellbeing of people in the context of groups and institutions. We know for example the consequences of a lack of consideration of wellbeing can be, with losses in the millions whether we’re referring to potential profits or working days lost to attrition or sick leaves (Graveling et al., 2008). Conversely, we know about the even greater benefits taking wellbeing seriously has to all kinds of organizational and business outcomes (Sears, Shi, Coberley, & Pope, 2013). But where do you begin? In this article, we want to share some advice about how to apply the concept of “community care” to thinking about how organizations can build up its practices towards creating workplaces where “care” is integral rather than supplemental to the overall business strategy.

                Community care in three categories

                Thanks to some clever analysis of the literature, researchers were able to offer a more condensed definition of this widely and wildly defined idea of self-care: “The ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being” (Martínez, Connelly, Pérez, & Calero, 2021). Using these three concepts, we can organize our thinking about wellbeing along these lines and how they might apply to community care. How can workplaces create spaces and relationships where people can support each-other’s capacities for awareness, self-control, and self-reliance?

                1. Awareness. This is about the ability to monitor, measure, and interpret one’s experiences (or “symptoms”, as used in their paper). This awareness is the natural first step to achieving wellbeing: after all, you cannot act wisely without the appropriate information. Applied to community care, this means helping each-other bring attention to our concerns, whether this means identifying specific forms of support or simply articulating some difficulty in or out of work in order to have some much-needed emotional release. Besides this, it also means helping each-other bring attention to our wins, allowing us to become more present to moments worth celebrating and appreciating. And building on the idea of interpretation, awareness is about bringing attention to the “meaning” of experiences, and helping each-other discern how our experiences at work match up with our values, beliefs, goals, and how we want life to be in general.

                Reflection: Are employees afforded the necessary resources, opportunities, and structures to cultivate greater awareness? Do the relationships between peers and between team members and team leaders foster a sense of safety and security where people are not only able but encouraged to work together to identify, articulate, and respond to their experiences as a community?

                1. Self-control. In the words of Martínez and colleagues, self-control is the “product of a person acting as a unitary being and engaging in regulation and control of their self and emotions”. Achieving wellbeing, whether we like it or not, requires perseverance, sustained effort, and more than a little strategizing. Applied to community care, this means helping each-other initiate and build on the habits necessary for regulation, maximizing our individual abilities to contain and ground ourselves. It also means creating relationships and systems within the workplace that don’t unnecessarily tax these abilities. Borrowing the researchers’ use of the term, self-control in the context of community care means thinking of the community as a “unitary being”, where each person must in some ways exercise responsibility for another’s capacity to recover and return to states of calm and ease.

                Reflection: Are employees afforded the necessary resources, opportunities, and structures to cultivate greater self-control? Do the relationships between peers and between team members and team leaders foster that sense of trust that, to the extent possible, we can rely on one-another as a means of regulating when things get tough? 

                1. Self-reliance. Though not defined directly in the study, the researchers offered a case study about a man who “sustained a wound to his right leg when he slipped in a canyon” but that, while he “was aware of the injury”, the man “did not treat the wound, and his entire leg became swollen, red, and hot”. So while taking consideration of the case study’s particular context, we can think of self-reliance as our ability to initiate the appropriate actions by ourselves, which requires a level of self-efficacy, self-trust, and a general belief that we can do something with our circumstances. Applied to community care, this means helping each-other create the necessary cognitive and behavioral scaffolding in our work to both have the appropriate level of trust in our own abilities (remember: asking for help is an important skill) and the necessary skills for acting on that self-confidence in productive and meaningful ways. Using the case study, self-reliance is both about trusting that your team will help you with the wound and also about your team trusting you enough to at least clean and dress the wound first.

                Reflection: Are employees afforded the necessary resources, opportunities, and structures to cultivate greater self-reliance? Do the relationships between peers and between team members and team leaders create an environment that is not only challenging but also encouraging? 

                For mental health support services, email us at resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com or contact us to sign-up for sessions with our mental health clinicians.

                References (in order of appearance)

                1. https://isfglobal.org/what-is-self-care/ 
                2. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8488814/ 
                3. https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-ask-for-help-without-discomfort-or-apology 
                4. https://www.wellandgood.com/what-is-community-care/ 
                5. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_taking_care_of_your_own_well_being_helps_others 
                6. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1476179306000188 
                7. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK75294/ 
                https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/full/10.1089/pop.2012.0114
                Categories
                Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work Thrive in School Wellbeing Practices

                To hear and be heard: ideas for meaningful conversations for nurturing life

                The month of September is celebrated globally as Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month. To learn more about suicide and how we can support each-other, see this article. If you need to talk to someone or if you are in need of urgent help, please proceed to the nearest hospital emergency room, or proceed to the end of this article for the contact numbers of various local 24/7 crisis lines.

                Stereotypes aside, as an organization providing psychological care, We Thrive’s work admittedly has a lot to do with conversations. It is something we take for granted, not always realizing that this very peculiar human capacity is one of the building blocks of human civilization (Crystal et al., 2023). Conversations are also one of the building blocks of human life: as psychologist Lucy Foulkes puts it, when conversations “allow us to learn something important about ourselves, about the other person, or about the world” (Foulkes, 2021), truly remarkable things happen. Such conversations, when they are “meaningful”, can turn even otherwise mundane chatter (what we label “small talk”) into subtle gateways for deeper interactions (Macquire, 2023). They make possible the flourishing of all those aspects of being human: sensing and holding our emotions (Lieberman et al., 2007), articulating the various aspects of the self (McLean and Morrison-Cohen, 2013), developing new behaviors and perspectives (Albright et al., 2016), relieving and easing painful experiences (Kardas, Kumar, and Epley, 2021), making sense of life as a whole (Tarbi et al., 2021), and much more. Speech of this kind has a literal healing effect, hence the well-earned stereotypical predominance of “talk therapy” methods in clinical psychological practice (Lindberg, 2023).  As social beings, as author Arthur Dobrin puts it: “With conversation, we find a place where we belong” (Dobrin, 2011).

                In our ongoing observance of Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month, we want to offer some practical points for reflection for having meaningful conversations, particularly those you want to check in on and support through difficult experiences.

                The look and feel of a meaningful conversation

                The main feature of a meaningful conversation is the experience of being “heard” — an experience which is, without exaggeration, “one of the most basic, yet potent needs we have as social beings” (Fowler, 2022). Most of us know from personal experience how painful not being heard can be, and how influential it can affect our own ability to hear others. Not being heard can have many precipitating factors: maybe there are basic differences in communication style (Khiron Clinic, 2021); or maybe the capacities of one or both people in the conversation to hold big or uncomfortable feelings are limited (Brosch, 2015). It could be some other factor, like adverse childhood experiences (Zlate, 2020), which are not within our present control. Whatever the case, when we are not heard, some of our most fundamental needs — the needs to feel that “we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are acknowledged, and that we have something to share” (Nichols, 1995) — cannot be met.

                So how do we get to meaningful conversations where we feel taken seriously, acknowledged, and feel that what we share has value? We may be tempted to offer advice right away or resort to offering affirmation.

                But “problem-solving” is not the same as “hearing”, and our impulse to give instructions or shoo away difficult feelings with aspirations of pleasantness, while usually very well-intentioned, may not reflect the other person’s true needs. This is what is often meant by “toxic positivity”: when the resolution to be quote-unquote “happy” is not grounded in the present reality which might demand more emotional complexity.

                So having said that, what does “hearing” actually look like? Thankfully, a few scholars have looked into this. In a series of studies, the concept of being “heard” — described by the authors succinctly as “a key variable of our time”, given our modern propensities for distractions — was operationalized according to five components (Roos, Postmes, and Koudenburg, 2021). Here, we will present how these were understood and some points for reflection to guide how we apply these to making our conversations truly meaningful. 

                1. Recognizing our “voice”. This is about “being able to express myself freely, that is, being able to say what I want to say.” In meaningful conversations, there must be that sense that, while some social filters might be appropriate in any given situation, we are able to say what we think or feel without fear of being criticized, demeaned, or thought poorly of. It is the sense that, right or wrong aside, what we say is welcomed.

                Reflection: In our conversations, do we offer a sense of security that allows the other person to say what they need to say, and that we are willing and able to welcome what they say — even if they’re about something difficult and uncertain?

                1. Receiving “attention”. This is about feeling that the other person “focused their attention on what I said”. In meaningful conversations, there is a conscious effort to home in on the details, verbal or otherwise. It is the sense that what we say merits curiosity, and that there is a richness in what is being said that is worth patiently drawing out.

                Reflection: In our conversations, do we offer expressions of interest that communicate to the other person that what they have to say is important, and that we really want to understand them?

                1. Receiving “empathy”. This is the perception that “the other tried to take my perspective and emotionally understand me.” In meaningful conversations, the affective contents of what we say — not just the words, but the conditions that led us to say what we say — are appreciated. It is the sense that the other person is resonating with us at a level that is deeper than the dictionary definitions of our statements, and that we are allowed to speak with more vulnerability, confident that, at the minimum, our vulnerability will be cared for.

                Reflection: In our conversations, does our presence invite the other person to let their guard down, even a little, so that what they say communicates more truthfully what their hearts dictate? (At least to the extent possible, given the circumstance. Emotions are complex, after all!)

                1. Receiving “respect”. This is the feeling that the other person “valued what I said (my voice) and me as a person”. In meaningful conversations, while all human activity is prone to human errors of misunderstanding, we are taken and honored as we are. It is the sense that whatever prejudices there may be are set aside — or at least owned up to, honestly — and that the interaction is grounded in a commitment to the fact that we are human beings deserving of compassion.

                Reflection: In our conversations, does our approach show the other person that we accept and honor them as they are, however and whatever they may be?

                1. Experiencing “common ground”. This is the perception that we can “understand each other’s point of view”. In meaningful conversations, there is a kind of exchange that allows both people’s perspectives to be influenced in a constructive way, allowing not just greater understanding of the nuances of these differences, but a greater appreciation of how such differences can lead to the same goals of cultivating a more meaningful life. While there may be significant divergences in the way we come to our conclusions, these conclusions are ultimately grounded on a desire for the greatest good — and that our conception of the “good” can be deepened and strengthened by one-another.

                Reflection: In our conversations, do we communicate an openness to hearing the other person’s views, and an openness for our own views to be positively influenced by them?

                Being able to initiate and sustain such a potent human activity is one of our best means for promoting healing for ourselves and one-another. By cultivating these five components, we can be better placed to leverage the power of conversations to cultivate human flourishing both within and beyond our difficult experiences.

                For mental health support services, email us at resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com or contact us to sign-up for sessions with our mental health clinicians.

                If you need to talk to someone or if you are in need of urgent help, please proceed to the nearest hospital emergency room, or call these 24/7 crisis lines:

                DOH-NCMH Hotline

                0917-899-USAP (8727)

                0966-351-4518

                0908-639-2672

                (02) 7-989-USAP (8727)

                1553

                Hopeline PH

                0917-558-HOPE (4673)

                0918-873-4673 (HOPE)

                (02) 8-804-HOPE (4673)

                2919

                In Touch Crisis Line

                0917-800-1123

                0922-893-8944

                (02) 8-8937603

                References (in order of appearance):

                1. https://wethrivewellbeing.com/world-suicide-prevention-day-responding-to-suicide-with-resilience-and-compassion/ 
                2. https://www.britannica.com/topic/language 
                3. https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-have-more-meaningful-conversations 
                4. https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/how-to-make-small-talk/ 
                5. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/talk-therapy#how-effective 
                6. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17576282/ 
                7. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15283488.2013.776498 
                8. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5344154/ 
                9. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspa0000281.pdf 
                10. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0738399121003335 
                11. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/am-i-right/201112/conversation-makes-us-human 
                12. https://thedmcclinic.ie/blog-the-importance-of-being-heard/ 
                13. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/listen-up-why-you-dont-feel-heard-in-your-relationship-0810154  
                14. https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/adverse-childhood-experiences-and-interpersonal-relationships 
                15. https://www.compassionate.center/docs/Why-listening-is-so-important.pdf 
                https://psyarxiv.com/73jgn