Login

Category: Everyday Thriving

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Embracing Self-Love During Challenging Times

self-love

During these past months, endless and unexpected challenges have been coming my way which have been leaving me feeling drained and helpless. As a result, I have been finding myself experiencing difficult times in reaching the different goals I have for myself. Through these feelings of heaviness and sadness that comes with it, I started to ask myself more often – “Why has it been so hard for myself to fully enjoy, be present, and show more love and compassion to others and to my different encounters in life?”

After much reflection, I’ve realized that the multiple hats that I’ve been having to wear have led to my personal or internal cup reaching its empty state. Feelings of overwhelm and helplessness have been consuming me due to not only my many hats of work tasks as a preschool teacher, fulfilling my numerous tasks as a Masters student, and adjusting to my long list of chores or tasks since I’ve recently shifted to a more independent living setup, but more importantly, through using my free time to empty my cup even more by engaging in unproductive thoughts, decisions, and encounters for myself.  As a result, I’d find myself beginning my days with an even more drained state. With this, I started to ask myself another question of – “Why do I keep on feeling drained and helpless?”

Coincidentally, I’ve stumbled upon a simple saying online that goes, “You can’t pour from an empty”. After reading this saying, I immediately found myself resonating with it and the saying slowly opened my mind and heart to a more hopeful and promising path to embark on to finally recharge my cup for each day as I tread this challenging season of my life. This current path that I’ve discovered and am excited to tread on consists of embracing self-love more fully and intentionally. As I am currently walking on the earlier parts of this path of embracing self-love, I am glad to share that I have slowly been experiencing more personal improvements in dealing with my multiple hats this season of my life. 

To hopefully inspire or also open more minds and hearts of people who are going through similar experiences in their journeys in life, here are 7 stepping stones that I’d love to share with all of you since they have not only helped me embrace self-love but have also been filling up my cup even more each day – 

Seven stepping stones to fully embracing self-love:

1. Setting healthy boundaries

As the saying goes, “You can’t practice self- love properly if you are constantly giving to others and running on an empty cup.”, I am slowly learning to say no to the things that may eventually drain my cup at the end of the day, or any part of the day. Examples of this may look like saying no to an outing with friends after a day of heavy work tasks and class requirements. Easier said than done for me because I’d also find myself wanting to please others (as guilty of being a people pleaser) instead of disappointing them by saying no. However, I’ve learned that we can’t always control other people’s thoughts about us, and what we can only control are our own thoughts, and we should focus more on our own well-being, especially if we are already in a “low-battery” state. And again, how will we even be able to fully attune to others as we are at a current state where we can’t anymore attune to our own selves. Or again, as the saying goes, “How can you pour from an empty cup.” So in setting these healthy boundaries for myself, I have recently learned the impact of choosing ourselves AND sitting with the discomfort that may come with it afterwards, and surprisingly I’ve learned how it was all worth it as I am able to fully attend to myself more, to other people’s needs or to give them a more compassionate and genuine space to be in, and to also attend to my many tasks more fully and effectively. 

2. Practicing Mindfulness

This second stone for me looks like engaging in different encounters that simply leads me back to my senses such as journaling, taking nature walks, and engaging in different breathing exercises. I have noticed how impactful these different practices of mindfulness have been for me in slowly choosing myself and embracing self- love, too. A helpful tip that I’d like to share is to include these different mindfulness experiences in your daily routines as often as possible. But also remember that each is to their own, as it truly depends on each one of you to find your own way of including these mindfulness practices in your own routines as often as possible. And find which way works best for you. 

3. Getting any kind of physical exercise

In relation to mindfulness, I’ve realized how a simple task of completing my chores such as mopping the floor of my condominium can help me process my thoughts and personal obstacles more intentionally and effectively. A recent physical exercise I’ve also been trying out is taking a 30- or 15-minute walk around my neighborhood after my work to help me calm myself down after a long day of work and class in order to help me better prepare myself to plan more effectively and recharge for the next day. Doing this more often has helped me balance the many tasks on my plate more effectively as I am able to become more fully aware and give more attention to all the concerns and the different hats I play in a day. Another helpful tip would be to write all these new mental insights gained after a successful physical exercise or task on a paper or notebook so that you are hopefully able to become more proactive on these plans for your succeeding days. 

4. Letting go of perfectionism

Growing up as a perfectionist, I would find myself being hard on myself after experiencing regrets or “should have” moments in my day. As a result, I would find myself draining my energy in negative thoughts. As a result of this, I’m slowly learning to choose to let go of my tendencies and thoughts of perfectionism to allow myself to slowly accept what has happened, move on from it, and look forward to new insights gained from the experience. Letting go of my perfectionism tendencies have positively impacted my mental health as it has slowly allowed me to become more patient and understanding of myself and others, too.

5. Watching my self-talk

After choosing to let go of my perfectionism tendencies, I have also learned the importance of consciously choosing positive self-talk, such as telling myself, “It’s okay to feel disappointed. These things happen…What can we do better next time?”, has been helping me feel heard, validated, and motivated to slowly move forward and learn from my experiences during the different and unexpected hurdles I would face each day.

6. Getting in touch with my interests and passions

As we are all faced with unexpected challenges each day, I’ve learned how helpful it has been for me to always go back to my “whys” or my passions in life that have been giving me purpose and strength to keep on moving forward. Going back to my interests, passions, or our sources of strengths has been a big help for me in effectively navigating my thoughts and actions in my daily encounters. 

7. Seeking help

The seventh stepping stone is seeking help. It truly is a big help on our part to constantly remind ourselves that we can only take so much and that it is okay to ask or reach out for help, no matter what they are and in what way these acts of seeking help may be. These ways of seeking help may look like reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and opening up to them about our troubles. Or this may also look like seeking professional help to better help ourselves find more effective ways to navigate the different parts and experiences we experience each day. I’d like to end this seventh stepping stone with a saying from my current favorite book,

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the Boy, “Help. Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give up,” the Horse replied. 

“The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy

With all these 7 stepping stones, I hope that in a way, these may help you slowly fill up your own internal cups and energize yourselves with more self-love practices and decisions more often during the various challenges we are all experiencing each day. But also, feel free to take baby steps in trying out these 7 stepping stones, and again, choose which way works best for you in easily bringing yourselves closer to decisions and actions of embracing self-love more fully, intentionally, and regularly. 

References:

  • Beyondpress. (2024, June 28). The Power of Self-Love During Tough Times – PACIFIC MIND HEALTH. Pacific Mind Health. https://pacificmindhealth.com/the-power-of-self-love-during-tough-times/
  • Dillard-Wright, D. B., PhD. (2020, October 7). Caring for yourself can make the world a better place. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/boundless/202010/self-love-in-difficult-times


Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

“Uy! Usap Tayo: How to Spot Healthy and Toxic Communication in Relationships”

communication

Ever walked away from a conversation feeling lighter, heard, and understood—like the connection between you and the other person just clicked? On the flip side, have you ever left an interaction feeling drained, confused, or doubting yourself? Communication isn’t just about words; it shapes how we build (or break) trust, emotional safety, and connection.

In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships—the way we communicate determines whether bonds deepen or fray. In Filipino culture, where pamilya first is the norm, values like pakikisama (getting along with others), respect for elders, and keeping the peace often dictate how we talk to each other. But what happens when these values lead to avoidance, where the “bahala na” (a “let it be” or “whatever”) attitude or the dreaded “Basta sundin mo na lang” (Just follow) mindset seeps in? it makes communication difficult, and toxic patterns—like passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, or emotional suppression—take root.

So how do we tell if we’re engaging in healthy or toxic communication? Let’s decode it together.

What Healthy Communication Looks Like

Healthy relationships don’t mean zero conflicts—they mean handling disagreements in a way that strengthens the bond rather than eroding it. Think of Ethan and Joy in Hello, Love, Goodbye—they had honest conversations about personal dreams and compromise, rather than resorting to manipulation or avoidance. Healthy communication can also manifest in other ways:

1. Open & Honest Expression

In a healthy relationship, both people feel safe sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or backlash. Transparency fosters trust. One way to do this? Use “I” statements instead of accusations. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed when responsibilities aren’t discussed beforehand” is much more productive than “You never help around the house.” The first invites a conversation, while the second invites defensiveness.

2. Active Listening & Validation

Feeling heard is one of the biggest indicators of a strong relationship. This means listening without interrupting, truly trying to understand the other person’s perspective, and showing that you care. Simple phrases like “I get why that upset you” or “That makes sense” go a long way. Plus, nonverbal cues—eye contact, nodding, mirroring body language—matter just as much as words. In fact, research suggests that 60-70% of our communication is nonverbal!

3. Conflict as opportunities for Collaboration

Arguments happen, but healthy couples see them as challenges to tackle together rather than battles to win. Some strategies they use:

  • Pausing before reacting – Taking a time-out when emotions run high to prevent saying something regrettable.
  • Focusing on solutions – Discussing behaviors instead of attacking character (e.g., “Can we split chores more evenly?” instead of “You’re so lazy.”)
  • Compromising – Finding a middle ground so that both people feel valued.

4. Emotional Support & Empathy

Empathy is the glue of strong relationships. Instead of dismissing feelings (“You’re overreacting”), validating them (“That sounds tough. How can I help?”) strengthens connection. Dr. Helen Riess, a renowned psychiatrist who has dedicated her life to understanding empathy, suggests using the E.M.P.A.T.H.Y. mnemonic to boost empathic capacity: Eye Contact, Muscles of Facial Expression, Posture, Affect, Tone of Voice, Hear the Whole Person, and Your Response—to deepen emotional understanding.

5. Actions Matching Words

In healthy relationships, verbal and nonverbal communication align. If someone says, “I love you,” but their actions consistently show indifference, the words lose meaning. Little things—like reaching for a partner’s hand during an apology—can reinforce sincerity and deepen trust. And touch, when consensual, also plays a role in healthy relationships, as it triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone known to promote bonding and reduce stress hormones like cortisol.

So, what happens when things take a different turn? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, our conversations can slip into toxic patterns, gradually eroding trust and emotional safety. Recognizing these patterns help because what starts as minor miscommunication can build into long-term hurt.

What Toxic Communication Looks Like

It doesn’t always start with shouting or outright cruelty—it’s often subtle at first. Think about classic Filipino teleseryes where jealousy is mistaken for love, like when a character demands, “Bakit mo siya tinitingnan? Ako lang dapat!” (“Why are you looking at them? You should only look at me!”) or manipulate their partner by threatening to leave just to test their devotion. Over time, these patterns can create emotional wounds that are hard to heal. Here are some red flags to look out for:

1. Verbal Aggression & Contempt

Sarcasm, insults, and eye-rolling may seem minor, but they’re serious indicators of toxicity. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman found that contempt—things like mockery or belittling—is the strongest predictor of divorce. Why? Because it conveys superiority rather than respect.

2. Gaslighting & Manipulation

Gaslighting is when someone distorts reality to make you doubt your own perceptions. If you often hear phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “That never happened,” it might not just be a misunderstanding—it could be manipulation. Over time, this kind of behavior erodes confidence and can make a person feel like they’re losing their sense of self.

3. Stonewalling & Avoidance

Stonewalling—shutting down or withdrawing from conversations—is a common defense mechanism, but it’s also a relationship killer. While taking space to cool off is healthy, completely avoiding discussions creates an emotional void that leads to unresolved resentment.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Instead of openly addressing issues, toxic communication often involves backhanded comments, silent treatment, or subtle jabs. For example, “Nice of you to finally show up” instead of directly saying, “I was hurt when you were late.” These behaviors create tension and prevent honest dialogue.

5. Contradictory Nonverbal Cues

Mixed signals—like saying “I’m fine” while slamming doors—can be incredibly confusing. Aggressive gestures, turning away, or using a dismissive tone can speak louder than words and often indicate underlying hostility.

Having a hard time thinking about where your relationship stands? Here is a visual example that can help you determine the nature of how you communicate. Try to think about a pH Scale but for human communication.

First, let’s go way back—back to the basics of chemistry. One of the first things we learned was the pH scale, which measures how acidic or basic a substance is.

The more acidic something is, the more likely it is to burn. Strong acids can cause damage—it’s painful on the skin, stinging in the eyes.

But what does this have to do with the way we communicate?

People often talk about how conversations can be “too negative” or how we should be “more positive.” It sometimes feels like we measure communication on a scale like this:

More positive = better. But that’s not always true. If we go back to chemistry, highly basic substances can burn just as much as acids. In other words, if we only judge communication as either “positive” or “negative,” we miss the bigger picture.

But if we factor in HONESTY, the picture becomes clearer. Let’s use the following as examples:

  • Cruel lies – These are obviously harmful. Luckily, they don’t happen too often in direct conversations.
  • Toxic positivity – This one is trickier. It sounds nice, but it dismisses real struggles. Think of phrases like “Everything happens for a reason!” or “Bahala na!”  While well-meaning, these statements can make people feel unheard rather than comforted.
  • Brutal honesty – This is another extreme. It values truth but at the cost of kindness. Sometimes, people justify hurtful words by saying, “I’m just being honest.” But honesty without compassion can be just as damaging as a lie.

Both toxic positivity and brutal honesty shut down meaningful conversations before they even begin. Hence, finding the Balanced pH is key!

In chemistry, a balanced pH would fall between 6 and 8—not too acidic, not too basic. In communication, we should aim for the same balance. It can manifest in these ways:

  • Be honest, but with empathy.
  • Be positive, but without dismissing reality.
  • Listen, not just speak.

In the end, balanced communication isn’t just about being positive or negative (healthy or toxic)—it’s about being real while still being kind. And being aware of these patterns are equally important because the way we communicate doesn’t only impact our relationships—it affects our mental well-being too. Remember, healthy communication strengthens emotional resilience, reduces stress, and boosts overall life satisfaction and well being. While toxic communication triggers chronic stress responses in the brain, increasing anxiety, depression, and even symptoms similar to PTSD.

So when we prioritize healthy dialogue, we foster deeper connections, trust, and emotional security. But when toxic communication takes hold, it creates cycles of harm that can be tough to break. To be honest, it does sound daunting and possibly exhausting to constantly keep this in check.The good news? Every conversation is a chance to do better.

Even Millennials and Gen Z-ers are growing with this mindset in hand—choosing open dialogue over the old “tiisin mo na lang” (just endure it) mentality. Whether that means pausing before reacting, listening more attentively, or setting firmer boundaries, small shifts in communication can lead to massive changes in our relationships. Because in the end, the quality of our conversations is the quality of our connections.

So, what kind of conversations do you want to have?

References:

Categories
Blog Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Everyday Thriving

How DEAR MAN Helps us Share our Feelings Effectively

sharing feelings

“Don’t rock the boat.”

Most of us at some point in our lives have likely heard such an idiom as this or similar to this. These sayings point to a warning against causing trouble, disturbing the harmony of a situation, or causing distress to people around you. It is certainly true that keeping harmonious relationships in this way helps people around you to stay calm and happy. However, this sometimes comes at the cost of us not being able to speak our truth, or even do what matters to us the most. With repeated interactions along these lines, where expectations of harmony and smooth relationships are prioritized over being able to express oneself and one’s needs, some of us simply forget to or even become afraid to express ourselves. This apprehension includes one where we end up not knowing how to share how we feel.

However, it is important to both our wellbeing and for forming strong, deep, and genuine relationships for us to be able to share our how we feel. Fortunately, there is a known way, backed by research and practice, to share how we feel that is effective and recommended. To jump right into what we can use, let’s consider the following template:

“A while I noticed that we were in a situation where (describe the situation). When this happens, I feel (say the word for the emotion that you felt, with additional detail to what applies to you). I want (share what you want to happen). When we do this, (share how what you want to happen will benefit you and the person/people involved).”

The above statement is grounded on the pillar of Interpersonal Effectiveness, which in turn is one of the four pillars forwarded by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Specifically, it is derived from the technique named “DEAR MAN”, which is an acronym that summarizes a structured method of speaking with others in a balanced manner. Keeping in mind the principles of DEAR MAN help you share your feelings with respect while maintaining as much as possible the good relationships you have with whom you are speaking to. Additionally, under these principles. Being effective with sharing your feelings also means that you get to share the needs behind these feelings in a manner that is actionable by the people involved. To understand the template above much better, let’s look into what principles the letters in DEAR MAN stand for!

DESCRIBE

This principle means starting by clearly describing the situation using facts and/or what can be seen mostly by the five senses. It’s important that you don’t place your opinions, evaluations, and especially accusations at this point. By sticking to just describing, you reduce possible defensiveness or escalating things into an argument. It’s important as well to lean more towards “I” statements, rather than “you” statements if possible, meaning that you focus more on what you perceived using your senses rather than what someone did.

TIP: “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN pertains to what you say. While the “MAN” focuses more on the overall general stance (how you say it) when carrying out the “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN.

EXPRESS

After describing the situation, this principle is where you share how you felt when the situation you describe unfolded. It is important to speak this part out because it is often the case that people actually often don’t know how you feel, but we just assume that they do because you feel these emotions so concretely. However, people are not always aware of how you feel. For example, you can say something along the lines of, “Whenever this happens, I feel sad, and I feel as if I’m not important.” Notice how the statement still sticks with “I” wordings, emphasizing your own experience.

ASSERT

After sharing how you feel, assert your needs by plainly stating what you want to happen. It is understandable that asserting your needs might feel uncomfortable for you. However, it is important to know that expressing emotions effectively and respectfully needs to come with a conviction that being assertive is not being demanding or egotistical. Asserting your needs simply means that you are giving respect to yourself and the fact that your needs are valid. 

To make carrying out this principle more effective, ensure that you state your request in a manner that can be simply understood by the person you are talking to. 

REINFORCE

Reinforcing here means explaining how the outcome of what you want to happen is beneficial for you and the person/people involved. This portion is relevant because it demonstrates that you are being balanced in sharing what you want to happen. It also shows that you have expressed your needs with their interests and your relationship in mind.

Carrying out this principle also means declaring how important your relationship is to you, showing appreciation, asking what they think about your proposal, and expressing gratitude.

stay MINDFUL

The first of this is staying mindful of the conversation, your feelings and values, your request, as well as your internal state. This principle is relevant because it is certainly possible that the ensuing conversations drifts away from how you felt and what you want to happen.

When you talk about emotions, it is possible that the person you are talking to also becomes emotional in their own way. They can clam up, try to change the topic, be defensive, or even engage in personal attacks. Anchoring to the principle of Mindfulness means that after acknowledging these, that you remain calm and focused on your request, continuing to return to it if the conversation drifts away. For example, one thing you can say is “I understand, and we can talk about that after. But it’s better if we focus on one thing at a time; I want to finish talking about this first.”

APPEAR CONFIDENT

It is understandable that you might feel nervous about sharing about how you feel and what your needs are; after all, it can be something that you are not used to doing. Despite this, appearing confident can help the person/people you are talking to take you seriously. Appearing confident can be as simple as maintaining an even tone of voice, a neutral posture, eye contact, as well as refraining from apologizing about your requests and how you feel or felt.

NEGOTIATE

Finally, part of carrying out the principles of DEAR MAN, means understanding that you cannot always get what you exactly want in life. The “Negotiate” principle means allowing some flexibility in your request. When adjusting your request, make sure that your adjustment still adequately responds to your needs and how you felt in a balanced manner. Being balanced here means finding ways that you can resolve the conversation in a manner that leaves you and the person/people involved satisfied. Negotiating can also mean asking the person for their input on how the situation can be improved.

In closing, sharing your emotions effectively is a skill that you can get better on with repeated practice. Grounding yourself in the DEAR MAN technique and its principles ensures that you share your emotions in a manner that is balanced and respectful. It is also an effective means of sharing your emotions about a situation, as it opens the possibility of improving the situations and the relationship(s) you have with the person/people involved.

Remember: your needs, your voice, and how you feel are important. When you learn how to express yourself effectively, your relationships grow to be deeper, stronger, and more authentic.

We Thrive offers Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) individual therapy and skills group training. The DBT clinicians at We Thrive trained under the Linehan Institute/Behavior Tech. Contact us to learn more about DBT at We Thrive or sign-up for DBT skills group using this form.

References:

  • Linehan, M. (2015). DBT skills training manual. The Guilford Press.
  • McKay, M., Wood, J. C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 
  • Pederson, L. (2017). The expanded dialectical behavior therapy skills training manual,2nd edition: DBT for self-help and individual & group treatment settings. Pesi Publishing & Media.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

New Year, New Me: How to (Actually) Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions!

New Year New Me

As the holiday season approaches, many of us will start to reflect over the past 12 months and get excited about starting a new year. The start of a new year is a time filled with hope, optimism, and an eagerness to set new goals for ourselves. For many people, New Year’s resolutions symbolize a fresh start to be a better version of ourselves. Despite this being a longstanding tradition, as much as 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail or fall through after a few weeks into the year.

With 2025 just around the corner, understanding why some resolutions fail and what works can help you *actually* stick to your New Year’s resolutions. 

But first, why do so many New Year’s resolutions FAIL? 

As mentioned earlier, the New Year represents a fresh start for many people. It’s a time filled with aspirations to be better and do the thing they’ve been thinking about doing for so long. Starting fresh also means closing a chapter from our past, whether it was good or bad.

This ‘fresh start effect’ is actually a psychological phenomena that many people use to view new beginnings as motivation towards achieving their goals. It’s very similar to how we feel more motivated when we start a new job or how we would want to turn over a new leaf when entering a new school grade as kids. 

While the concept of a fresh start is not a bad thing (it has its benefits!), it becomes a dangerous slope when we start to distance ourselves from our past failures and think that we can only improve when we start anew. It’s important to remind ourselves that this tradition of setting New Year’s resolutions is quite arbitrary. We can make goals and change at any point in our lives, and not just on January 1st. This thought is just one of a couple of reasons why people can quickly fall short on their New Year’s resolutions. Some others include:

1. Setting goals that are unrealistic or overly ambitious. 

Something many people get wrong when setting goals for themselves is making them too big and unrealistic due to their eagerness to change. Making resolutions like “losing 15 kilograms in two months” or “working out everyday for a year” can set yourself up for failure. Rather than having goals that are achievable, the extensive effort needed to attain an overly ambitious goal may lead to demotivation and burnout.

2. Being driven exclusively by extrinsic motivations

While it’s common to have different motivations for a resolution, it’s important to realize the reasons behind these motivations. If our resolutions are driven by extrinsic or external motivations, such as societal expectations or peer pressure, rather than by a genuine desire to change for ourselves, then it’ll be more difficult to sustain the motivation as time passes.  

3. Feeling limited by our cognitive distortions about ourselves

Sometimes, our biggest challenges when working towards goals are our own irrational or negative thoughts. Common cognitive distortions that get in the way of goal-directed behavior are when we engage in “all-or-nothing” thinking or make “should statements”. The rigidity in these cognitions makes it difficult for us to accept human error or mistakes. For instance, if your goal is to exercise daily and you miss one day, you might feel like you’ve failed and want to abandon the goal altogether. This mindset can undermine your progress and lead to lower self-esteem.

How to make better goals and stick to your resolutions:  

While it may seem daunting to set resolutions and stick to them, approaching your goals with careful planning, self-awareness, and self-compassion may help you feel more supported and excited about them. As we prepare to make our New Year’s resolutions, try the following tips to help you create sustainable and attainable resolutions. 

1. Understand your WHY

Before setting any goal, ask yourself why you want to make this change in the first place. Aligning the goals with your own personal values and priorities in life may help you to stay committed to them. It’s also important to evaluate if you are emotionally and mentally prepared to make these changes. Studies have shown that readiness to change and self-efficacy positively predict successful outcomes. Without the emotional readiness for these goals, change can be taxing and relapse is likely. 

2. Set specific, measurable, and actionable goals

Vague resolutions like “lose weight” or “be happier” are hard to achieve because they lack clear direction. Instead, create specific and measurable goals that have a call to action. For example, instead of “lose weight,” you can aim to “go to yoga class once a week” or “run 10 kilometers in under an hour.” Rather than “be happy,” try reflecting on what contributes to your happiness, such as “have dinner with my parents twice a week” or “go on a date with myself once a month.” Specific goals take away from the ambiguity and make it easier to assess progress.

3. Be realistic about your limits

While it’s great to have grit and perseverance for growth, it’s equally important to be realistic about your time, energy, and limitations. Take into consideration your routine and other commitments, like work, school, or family and friends, and avoid spreading yourself too thin with too many goals or resolutions that are too big. 

4. Be kind to yourself

Know that the process will not be easy. Being kind to yourself when you stumble is crucial. Try to engage in self-awareness when you are having irrational thoughts or cognitive distortions. Instead of thinking of success and failure, adopt a more flexible approach to any setbacks that come your way.

Self-compassion involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to take a break and recalibrate yourself. Practicing self-compassion exercises can help reduce feelings of guilt or inadequacy, which in turn fosters resilience and encourages you to get back on track.

5. Check-in on yourself and reflect on the process

Regularly checking-in with yourself by incorporating mindfulness practices can help you stay attuned to your goals and aware of your own thoughts and feelings towards them. Mindfulness also encourages you to be patient with yourself and your journey. Reflect on the process and how far you’ve come with reflective questions like, “How do I feel about my progress so far and where I’m at right now?” and “What can I do to improve?” 

6. Involve your support system

Having a support system can be a powerful tool when working toward your goals. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to hold you accountable and offer encouragement can make a significant difference. You might even consider having a “goal partner” who is working toward a similar resolution, providing mutual support and accountability.

What happens when things don’t go according to plan? 

Despite your best efforts, things may not always go according to plan. Practicing radical acceptance, a distress tolerance skill, will be vital if this time comes. Radical acceptance involves accepting reality as it is without judgment. If you break your resolution, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you can’t change. You can always return to your goal after a setback. Moreover, remember that we can make goals and change at any point in our lives and that resolutions are not tied to the beginning of the year. Every day that we get is an opportunity for our growth. 

Setting and sticking to New Year’s resolutions can be tricky, but with the right mindset and approach, it’s within all of us to create lasting change. By setting realistic and meaningful goals and embracing flexible thinking, self-compassion, and self-awareness, you can fulfill that New Year’s resolution and prove that the new year can still be a time of hope and excitement.

References:

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving

My Idea of a Compassionate Christmas…♫: Celebrating the Holidays amidst Adversities

Self-Compassionate Christimas

The onset of popular Christmas songs tells us that connecting with our loved ones brings

happy memories and joy amidst the holiday rush. 

However, for some of us dealing with mental health challenges and difficult situations, Christmas songs and the concept of celebrating the holidays can bring painful emotions. We may be uncomfortable when pressured to “pretend” or appear happy and embrace the festive spirit. We may even feel difficult emotions such as guilt and shame when we have to prioritize ourselves and our mental health. Some of us may be dealing with loss, being away from loved ones, conflicts in relationships, and daily challenges such as financial and physical stress.

For students, additional stress and anxiety could mean abrupt or difficult changes in routine, navigating family dynamics and expectations to “perform” for others, and sometimes having to share academic achievements and deal with comparisons. 

For adults, parents, and employees alike, this could mean additional responsibilities that can increase physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion while managing conflicting feelings. 

Hence, preventing burnout and finding your balance from the push and pull of the holidays is significant. We can harness our inner strength of Self-compassion to build our resilience and moments of joy during the holidays. According to Kristin Neff, this means (1) treating ourselves with kindness despite the painful emotions we may be going through, (2) having a sense of common humanity in our struggles, and (3) practicing mindfulness while seeing our experiences from a compassionate and balanced perspective. 

Research shows that practicing self-compassion and healthy emotional boundaries increases emotion regulation and well-being, which helps us genuinely connect with family and friends during the holidays. 

Here are 5 tips to celebrate this holiday season with self-compassion:

1. Be gentle with yourself and take time to listen to your emotions.

Acknowledge your feelings with kindness and curiosity. Treat yourself with compassion and understanding when holiday activities prompt difficult and painful feelings. Start by observing, describing, and participating in your emotions without judgment and pressure to “pretend” otherwise. Remember that feelings and emotions come and go, and it is a natural human experience to feel these in light of the challenges that you may be going through. Recognize the pattern that starts to emerge when you are beginning to react. Instead, respond to your emotions with awareness and self-validation: 

● “It makes sense that I am feeling this way.”

● “It makes sense that I am feeling different than others may expect me to, and that is okay.” 

● “I am not my emotions. My emotions come and go. It does not define me. I can cope.” 

2. Self-soothe to relax and cope with the stress.

We can be there for ourselves by practicing mindfulness of our emotions and body sensations to create a sense of safety amidst the holiday stress and pressures. This also helps in modeling emotion regulation to others. When feeling overwhelmed, practice self-soothing techniques, such as breathing and emotional grounding exercises, to return to the present moment. Self-compassion means treating ourselves as a friend in stressful times. Part of this intention is to care for ourselves and accept our emotional experiences as they happen. 

● Pause and take a self-compassion break. 

● Practice deep and affectionate breathing exercises. 

● Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation. 

3. Prioritize and set your boundaries

To understand our comfort level and build moments of joy, evaluate what’s important to you and your mental health. Do things mindfully and one at a time. Manage your expectations. It is okay to delegate or ask for help. Keep the holidays in perspective and set boundaries to balance your to-do lists and emotional needs. Putting our priorities into action and communicating them means taking care of ourselves first and managing our capacity to care for others. 

● Start by writing a list of what truly matters to you and your intentions (“What I am going to do” and “What I am not going to do”). 

● Know your limitations and practice radical acceptance to enhance self-compassion when learning to delegate and saying “no.” 

● Remember that you can step back when you need to by being mindful of your expectations and limitations.

4. Reframe your thoughts and soften your critical voice

Step back from self-judgment and notice negative self-talk. Talk to your critical voice as if talking to a friend. Soften your critical voice by responding with kindness and compassion. Be curious and respond with a reassuring and loving tone. Show physical kindness and warmth to yourself by practicing compassionate self-hug and reframing through compassionate self-talk. 

● Ask yourself: “What are my emotions trying to tell me right now?” 

● “It makes sense that you are worried about me. You want to look out for me but are taking a harsh approach. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”

5. Seek support and meaningful connections.

We are not alone in experiencing painful emotions during the most joyous time of the year. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, frustration, and even anger are a part of human nature that everybody goes through at some point in our lives, and they can happen even during the holidays. Reminding ourselves that we are a part of a community may help lessen our tendency to withdraw and self-isolate. When we are compassionate to ourselves and others, we can also be more authentic and confident in participating in holiday activities. 

● Seek out or stay in therapy for additional support. 

● Reach out to a friend or your loved ones and specifically connect with supportive individuals within your circle. 

● Interact with others and in holiday events positively and within your set boundaries. ● Volunteer to engage your empathic nature and enhance your mood with positive actions. 

● Join support groups that help you increase your sense of community with others. 

Remember that finding balance in celebrating despite adversities encourages us to respect our feelings while enjoying what we value during the holidays. We can find gratitude in small things and embody a gentle and compassionate holiday.

Sources:

  • American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Tips for parents on managing holiday stress. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/holiday
  • American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Holidays don’t have to mean excess stress. It’s time to reframe your thoughts.
  • https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/202 3/12/how-adults-can-help-children-prevent-and-decompress-from-holiday-stress ● Hendel, H.J. (2020, November 25). Surviving painful holiday emotions. National Alliance on Mental Illness.
  • https://www.nami.org/blog-post/surviving-painful-holiday-emotions/
  • Mutz, M. (2016). Christmas and subjective well-being: A research note. Applied Research in Quality of Life, 11(4), 1341–1356. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11482-015-9441-8
  • Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
  • Páez, D., Bilbao, M. Á., Bobowik, M., Campos, M., & Basabe, N. (2011). Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! The impact of Christmas rituals on subjective well-being and family’s emotional climate. International Journal of Social Psychology, 26(3), 373–386.
  • Velamoor, V., Voruganti, L., & Nadkarni, N. (1999). Feelings about Christmas, as Reported by Psychiatric Emergency Patients. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 27(3), 303–308

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Thrive at Work Thrive in School

ADHD Diagnosis: Complexities and Caveats

ADHD

The Philippines has made significant strides in mental health awareness, thanks to professionals, advocates, and service users’ efforts. Initiatives such as the Philippine Mental Health Act (R.A. 11036) and the recognition of the rights of psychosocial disabilities under the Magna Carta for Disabled Persons (R.A. 7277) have played pivotal roles in this progress. Advocacy groups are also pushing for legislation like the Neurodivergent People’s Rights Act (H.B. 9787).

Despite these advancements, stigma and misunderstanding surround neurodevelopmental disorders, particularly Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). This is a developmental disorder characterized by patterns of hyperactivity, inattention, or a combination of the two. A diagnosis is given based on the severity of symptoms, level of impairment, and the presence of symptoms since childhood. Globally, ADHD affects 5-7.2% of youth and 2.5-6.7% of adults ,,; but Philippine figures are unfortunately scarce and outdated.

Consider a young boy in his Grade 1 classroom, labeled as “makulit,” “pasaway,” and even “bad,” while he struggles with symptoms of ADHD that go unrecognized. Similarly, imagine a woman in a bustling high-rise building, where her difficulties staying organized lead to exclusion from important email correspondences and social gatherings, all because her colleagues are unaware of her ADHD diagnosis.

Unfortunately, ADHD is still so often shrouded in stigma. Those grappling with the disorder find themselves wrestling to keep pace with the demands of daily life, be it at school, work, or social settings.

Recognizing ADHD as a genuine challenge and not a character flaw, is vital for supporting individuals and dispelling misconceptions.This condition, when properly diagnosed, can be life-saving, paving the way for individuals to alleviate suffering and reclaim their power. But however well-intentioned, there is still a risk of overdiagnosis- an issue that is particularly prevalent in the realm of ADHD, but also within the realm of mental health diagnoses at large. Overdiagnosis can occur due to various factors, ranging from clinician practices to caregiver influences, but this often looks like overprescription of medications and unnecessary interventions. In the case of ADHD, changes in criteria in the

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders between its fourth and fifth editions have contributed to this concern- it added examples of symptoms seen in adolescents and adults, lessened impairment criteria, and revised the age of onset.

We must also remember that for children, a certain level of kulit is normal and developmentally appropriate. It is a quintessential part of childhood, after all — to dash around, create chaos, and indulge in one’s imagination. However, what distinguishes ADHD diagnosis is the severity and persistence of symptoms over time to the point that there is impairment.

Context also may play a role in facilitating overdiagnoses and misdiagnoses. While legislative progress and heightened awareness have improved access to care, our “digital by default” age has introduced new challenges, further complicating the diagnostic process for mental health disorders. For example, during the pandemic, the proliferation of misleading TikTok videos about ADHD posed a significant risk, as many individuals were facing attention challenges. A study revealed that over half of these videos were misleading, with non-healthcare professionals being the primary uploaders, potentially leading to widespread misinformation and self-diagnosis among their viewers.

On the other hand, many individuals may go undiagnosed until much later, their struggles well-masked by societal expectations and coping mechanisms. There exist gendered differences in the diagnosis of ADHD: boys are significantly more diagnosed with ADHD compared to girls due to differences in presentation. Girls with ADHD often exhibit the inattentive type, which may not manifest as disruptive behavior and consequently may be overlooked for treatment unless their symptoms significantly impact their daily functioning.

And with any diagnosis, whether physical or not, early intervention is crucial. Effective treatment during childhood can significantly improve symptoms and overall functioning, leading to better outcomes. Unfortunately, if left untreated until adulthood, ADHD can result in chaotic lifestyles, other co-occurring mental disorders, and challenges in various aspects of life.

The journey towards an ADHD diagnosis can be unexpectedly complex. For individuals who resonate with ADHD symptoms, every step of the way demands cautious decision-making. It is crucial to be discerning with the information you consume and the healthcare providers that you trust. Ensure that they are equally diligent.

Self-reflection is also essential. Clarify your “why” behind seeking a diagnosis—It could be that receiving ADHD treatment might help you lead a much more fulfilling life. It could also be that you want relief from years of overcompensation. Whatever your “why” is, seeking a comprehensive assessment is essential in this process to tailor-fit treatment to your unique brain. It is not a one-size-fits-all diagnosis, however general the diagnostic manual may make it appear to be; a detailed picture of how your mind works, pinpointing your strengths and challenges, will help specify what you need.

Seeking consultations from various professionals, such as clinical psychologists and psychiatrists, can offer valuable insights and interventions for managing ADHD. Therapy is a crucial component of tailored interventions—it provides individuals with a safe space to learn more about themselves, as well as equips them with essential skills and strategies to cope with their symptoms. Additionally, executive function coaching can further empower individuals with ADHD to navigate daily challenges effectively and achieve their goals. Executive function coaching focuses on enhancing skills like organization, time management, and task prioritization- these are skills that are often affected by ADHD symptoms. By addressing these areas, your quality of life may be significantly enhanced.

Despite the leaps and bounds in mental health perceptions, access, and service delivery, there is still much work to be done. Whether for ourselves or others, there is no time like the present to advocate for better education on mental health concerns like ADHD. Indeed, it is an ongoing journey to challenge misconceptions, develop discernment, and embrace the complexities of these issues. However, it is essential to see the merit in all this effort, to recognize that finally receiving the proper help can save lives. By advocating for improved access to accurate diagnosis and comprehensive treatment, we can empower individuals with ADHD to finally thrive in their communities.

For Executive Functioning (EF) coaching and other clinical services, contact us at clinic@wethriveinc.com.

Sources:

https://lawphil.net/statutes/repacts/ra2018/ra_11036_2018.html
http://hrlibrary.umn.edu/research/Philippines/RA%207277%20-%20Magna%20Carta%20of%20Disabled%20Persons.pdf
https://hrep-website.s3.ap-southeast-1.amazonaws.com/legisdocs/basic_19/HB09787.pdf
Posner J, Polanczyk GV, Sonuga-Barke E. Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Lancet. 2020;395(10222):450–462. doi: 10.1016/S0140-6736(19)33004-1.
 Song P, Zha M, Yang Q, Zhang Y, Li X, Rudan I. The prevalence of adult attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A global systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Global Health. 2021;11:04009. doi: 10.7189/jogh.11.04009.
Thomas R, Sanders S, Doust J, Beller E, Glasziou P. Prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a systematic review and metaanalysis. Pediatrics. 2015;135(4):e994–e1001. doi: 10.1542/peds.2014-3482.
 Merten, E. C., Cwik, J. C., Margraf, J., & Schneider, S. (2017). Overdiagnosis of mental disorders in children and adolescents (in developed countries). Child and adolescent psychiatry and mental health, 11, 1-11.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/ 
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Neurodevelopmental disorders. In Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).
Yeung, A., Ng, E., & Abi-Jaoude, E. (2022). TikTok and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a cross-sectional study of social media content quality. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 67(12), 899-906.
Bruchmüller, K., Margraf, J., & Schneider, S. (2012). Is ADHD diagnosed in accord with diagnostic criteria? Overdiagnosis and influence of client gender on diagnosis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 80(1), 128–138. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026582 
 Ginsberg, Y., Quintero, J., Anand, E., Casillas, M., & Upadhyaya, H. P. (2014). Underdiagnosis of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in adult patients: a review of the literature. The primary care companion for CNS disorders, 16(3), 23591.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work

Why Can’t We Be Friends?: Why it’s hard for adults to make friends and why we should do it anyway

It was a love-hate relationship in a stressful, high-demand working environment.

I met Gen, a highly regarded business partner in human resources while I was her new vendor relationship manager, eager to earn my stripes.  In the workplace, measuring each other up can be quite a common phenomenon, and we held each other with a ton of accountability.  A few months down the road and we were regularly going on coffee runs, having lunch dates and laughing about things work and non-work.

This was several years ago and a few employers then after.  We’ve seen each other four times since. We are “friends”, but not quite.  We keep trying but life gets in the way. She would send me a voice message of her singing that 70’s punk song “Why can’t we be friends?” whenever our schedules to meet up don’t match.  Our story is not unusual. 

Having recently encountered big life events, such as moving cities and getting married, I can’t help but realize how I’ve neglected to restock my circle of friends. In adulthood, plenty of people enter our lives, but to have actual close friends – the kind you can call in a crisis, those can come in shorter supply.  I got to wondering, what complicates adult friendships?

Adult friendships can be more complex and challenging for several reasons:

  1. Time constraints: As adults, we often have numerous responsibilities such as work, family, and personal commitments. Finding time to nurture friendships can become increasingly difficult, especially if friends have conflicting schedules or live far apart.
  2. Life transitions and different life stages: Adults undergo various life transitions such as moving to new cities, changing jobs, getting married, or having children. These transitions can impact friendships as priorities shift and lifestyles diverge. Not all adults are at the same stage in life. Some may be focused on advancing their careers, while others may be starting families or exploring new interests. These differences can lead to disparities in values, priorities, and available time for socializing.
  3. Trust and vulnerability: Building deep, meaningful friendships requires trust and vulnerability. However, past experiences, disappointments, or betrayals may make adults more guarded and cautious about opening up to new friends or maintaining existing relationships.
  4. Limited social circles: Unlike childhood or adolescence, where social circles are often abundant and easily accessible, adults may find themselves with fewer opportunities to meet new people and expand their social networks, especially if they lead busy or isolated lives.

Today, with hybrid online work spaces, freelancing and the gig economy on the rise, it’s becoming harder to recreate the structure and conditions that sociologists have considered as important ingredients to making close friends: repeated and unplanned interactions, proximity and an environment for people to confide in each other.  

I wish it was easier like before, but if you are waiting for things to happen organically, then you may have to be ready to wait for a long while.

I can understand why most people don’t find this as an urgent need or even a crisis – friendship.  There’s a certain hierarchy that culture puts on romantic love or familial love leaving platonic love and friendships at the bottom. Yet our bodies have always craved for a sense of resonance and communion with others. Recent studies on loneliness can certainly agree.

A paper published in the Nature Human Behavior journal suggests people who dealt with social isolation had a 32% higher risk of dying early from any cause compared with individuals who weren’t socially isolated. The paper was a meta-analyses of 90 studies on the connection between loneliness, social isolation, and early death among over 2 million adults.  The World Health Organization has even launched a commission that would put loneliness at the top of its global public health priorities from 2024 to 2026.

Now one might think loneliness would not be such a major concern for our country yet because our culture and values compel us to keep in constant touch with our social networks or take responsibility within our family systems. Besides, Filipinos are generally known to be friendly and cheerful, right? Surprisingly, a survey in October of 2023 by Meta and Gallup found that the Philippines is one of the countries with high levels of self-reported loneliness, with 57% of Filipinos saying they are feeling lonely compared to a worldwide average of 24%. 

In general, adult friendship was found to predict or at least be positively correlated with wellbeing and its components (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023). In particular, the results showed that friendship quality and socializing with friends predict wellbeing levels.  

If we all can be healthier individuals through friendships, and if we all can benefit from other people bringing out the full richness and complexity of who we are, why aren’t we all jumping into opportunities to make friends?

Psychologist and author of the book Platonic, Dr. Marisa Franco suggests there are two main reasons why we likely devalue the need to make friends as adults.  First of all, she mentions the paradox of people.  While being around other people has all kinds of benefits, people can also be scary – they can be hurtful and they can reject us. Second of all, not many us know how to make friends!

Making new friends and cultivating friendships as an adult can indeed be challenging, but it’s certainly possible with some effort and intentionality. So here are a few tips:

1. Take initiative

Don’t wait for others to initiate plans. Be proactive in reaching out to acquaintances or colleagues to suggest grabbing coffee, attending an event together, or simply catching up.

2. Stay open-minded

Be open to forming friendships with people from different backgrounds, ages, or walks of life. Diversity enriches our lives and provides opportunities for learning and growth.

3. Be a good listener

Cultivate active listening skills and show genuine interest in others. Ask open-ended questions, offer support and encouragement, and remember details from previous conversations to demonstrate that you value the relationship.

4. Nurture your existing friendships

Don’t neglect the friendships you already have. Make time to connect with existing friends, whether through regular meetups, phone calls, or virtual hangouts.

5. Turn your hobbies and personal interests into a community.

Attend classes, workshops, and join meet-ups with like-minded individuals. Enroll in classes related to your personal or professional development. These settings can provide opportunities for meaningful interactions.

6. Be patient and persistent.

Building genuine friendships takes time and effort. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. Keep putting yourself out there and be patient as you develop new connections.

By incorporating these strategies in seeking out new connections, you may just increase your chances of making meaningful friendships as an adult.

I am also keeping in mind that for friendship to happen, one needs to be brave. We have to believe we are likeable and lean into the parts of ourselves that simply want to connect.

References:

  • Wang, F., Gao, Y., Han, Z. et al. A systematic review and meta-analysis of 90 cohort studies of social isolation, loneliness and mortality. Nat Hum Behav 7, 1307–1319 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-023-01617-6
  • https://www.who.int/news/item/15-11-2023-who-launches-commission-to-foster-social-connection
  • Pezirkianidis C, Christopoulou M, Galanaki E, Kounenou K, Karakasidou E, Lekka D, Kalamatianos A, Stalikas A. Exploring friendship quality and the practice of savoring in relation to the wellbeing of Greek adults. Front Psychol. 2023 Oct 6;14:1253352. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1253352. PMID: 37868602; PMCID: PMC10588444.
  • https://www.gmanetwork.com/news/lifestyle/content/887116/57-of-pinoys-self-reported-feeling-lonely-survey/story/
  • Marisa G. Franco, P. (2022). Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. Unabridged Books on Tape.
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Wellbeing Practices

Eco-diving, Mindfulness, and the Art of Buoyancy in Daily Living

As a diver, I am captivated by the underwater world’s wonder, beauty, and diverse range of life. However, with this fascination comes the responsibility to experience the underwater realm in a way that respects and preserves its delicate ecosystems. This has led me to adopt the principles of eco-diving, mindfulness, and buoyancy, which have not only transformed my diving experiences but also profoundly impacted my daily life.

I now view everyday life as a journey filled with challenges, choices, and opportunities for growth. Amidst the hustle and bustle, I have found unexpected inspiration and guidance. The principles of eco-diving, which focus on minimizing our impact on the environment, have taught me to be more mindful of my actions and their consequences. Mindfulness, which involves being present at the moment and observing my thoughts and emotions without judgment, has helped me develop a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional regulation. The concept of buoyancy, which refers to the ability to control one’s depth and movement underwater, has taught me the importance of balance and adaptability in all aspects of life.

Here are some nuggets of wisdom I have learned along the way that I feel are worth sharing:

1. Making Sustainable Choices

As I navigate the aisles of grocery stores or scroll through online shopping platforms, I am often reminded of the impact of my choices on the environment. Inspired by eco-diving, I have begun to prioritize sustainability in my purchases. Opting for reusable products over single-use plastics, choosing items with minimal packaging, and supporting eco-conscious brands have become small yet meaningful steps toward reducing my ecological footprint. While seemingly insignificant, these choices collectively contribute to a more sustainable lifestyle that aligns with my values and commitment to protecting the planet.

2. Embracing Mindfulness

Amid busy schedules and never-ending to-do lists, it has become crucial to have moments of mindfulness to maintain my mental well-being. Drawing inspiration from my experiences underwater, where every breath serves as a reminder to stay present in the moment, I am trying to incorporate mindfulness practices into my daily routine. Whether it is taking a moment to fully appreciate the aroma of my morning coffee, enjoying a brief walk to appreciate the beauty of nature, or doing breathing exercises before bed, these moments of stillness help me to stay grounded in the present and provide a sense of tranquility amidst the chaos of life.

3. Engaging in Active Conservation Efforts

Although I do not get to go diving very often, my passion for marine conservation goes beyond just exploring the ocean’s depths. After seeing the positive impact of community-driven initiatives while eco-diving, I have actively sought opportunities to contribute to local conservation efforts. This has included participating in beach clean-ups, volunteering with environmental organizations, and promoting sustainable practices within my community as much as possible. Through these experiences, I have realized the power of collective action in preserving our planet. They have allowed me to make a more significant impact and given me a sense of connection and purpose that goes beyond myself.

4. Finding Balance Amidst Chaos

In a world that can often feel chaotic and overwhelming, it has become a constant pursuit to master the art of buoyancy, both underwater and in daily life. As I adjust my buoyancy to maintain stability in the water, I have learned to navigate life’s ups and downs with resilience and adaptability. Trying to prioritize self-care, setting boundaries, and embracing imperfection have become invaluable tools to maintain balance amidst life’s challenges. While the journey towards equilibrium may be ongoing, each moment of grace and resilience serves as a reminder of the inherent strength within myself.

5. Cultivating Connections with Nature

Despite the demands of modern life, I have made a conscious effort to reconnect with nature in meaningful ways. I take leisurely walks and pause to admire the beauty of the sky. These moments of communion with the natural world nourish my soul and replenish my spirit. The awe inspires me, and the wonder I experience underwater has helped me appreciate the intricate beauty of the world around me and the profound interconnectedness of all living beings.

6. Mindful Consumption

As I continue to learn and navigate the complexities of consumer culture, I have become increasingly mindful of my consumption habits and their impact on the planet. Drawing from the principles of buoyancy control, which emphasize awareness of one’s surroundings, I have cultivated a more conscious approach to shopping and consumption. Whether reducing waste, opting for sustainable alternatives, or supporting local artisans and businesses, each choice reflects my commitment to being a responsible steward of the Earth’s resources.

7. Embracing Community and Collaboration

One of the most important lessons I learned from my experiences underwater is the power of community and collaboration in bringing about positive change. Last year, I went on a solo dive trip with the Coral Reef & Rainforest Conservation Project (CRCP). I witnessed firsthand how eco-divers work together to protect vulnerable marine ecosystems. Since then, I have been actively seeking opportunities to collaborate with like-minded individuals and organizations in my community. Whether joining forces for environmental advocacy, volunteering for conservation projects, or simply sharing ideas and resources, these collaborative efforts remind me of our collective strength in shaping a more sustainable future.

The principles of eco-diving, mindfulness, and buoyancy can guide us toward a more conscious, connected, and compassionate existence in our daily lives. These timeless truths can help us navigate the complexities of modern living and find solace and inspiration. Embracing the journey with an open heart and a sense of wonder can lead us to a more fulfilling life. As a diver, I have learned valuable lessons by adopting these principles, becoming a more responsible and balanced individual who strives to positively impact the environment and the people around me.

References:

https://biologicaldiversity.org/programs/population_and_sustainability/sustainability/live_more_sustainably.html
https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2022/10/3-ways-help-consumers-make-more-sustainable-choices
https://www.greenmatch.co.uk/blog/how-to-be-more-eco-friendly
https://www.unep.org/explore-topics/resource-efficiency/what-we-do/sustainable-lifestyles
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/power-mindful-consumption-why-cultivate-restful-world-khan-bhaduri
https://coralreefandrainforestconservationproject.org/
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0969698923002783
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1877042815020200

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work

I can HEAR you: Practicing Co-Regulation in the Workplace

co-regulation

Humans are social beings, and we are hardwired to connect. We intuitively scan our surroundings for cues of safety and danger. In order to survive, we observe, process, and respond to what is going on in our environment. Being aware of what makes our own nervous system responses, as well as those of others, kick in, can help us build healthier communities.

-Sofie Malm

I recently was involved in a difficult situation at work. The project lead had a lot of ideas that he wanted to implement without taking into consideration the amount of work and effort it would take to set these up. Apart from that, there were loose ends of the project that were not properly communicated leaving the team at a loss on how to navigate the completion of the project. I found myself very upset about this and instead of having a challenging conversation about how I felt about it, I made passive-aggressive comments and felt checked out about the whole project. Fortunately, one of our team members sensed the tension and encouraged us to take a deep breath in and out for a few minutes to practice mindfulness, to take things one task at a time, and offered support if anyone needed any. 

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Have you ever wondered why even though we know what we need to rationally do, we still end up doing the irrational one that could possibly hurt our relationships? Don’t fret because this is more normal than you thought and can be explained by how our brain circuitry works. 

Our brain constantly scans for threats in our environment and this happens subconsciously or what we call neuroception. If it perceives a threat, our autonomic nervous system (ANS) gets activated and prepares our body (increases our heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing, and slows down digestion) to respond. According to the Polyvagal Theory (PVT) our body can respond in three ways. These are influenced by the evolutionary structures of the brain. The oldest structure, the reptilian brain, causes us to be immobilized. It’s when we tend to be frozen, numb, or shut down. The next structure or the mammalian brain moves us to mobilization. When this is activated, we feel the adrenaline rush that helps us either stay and fight or run away from the threat. The newest structure, or the neocortex, allows us to stay engaged, connected, safe, calm, and creative in the present moment. 

Imagine these responses on a ladder with the immobilized state at the bottom rung and the engaged state at the highest rung. As we are presented with different experiences, we move up and down the ladder depending on how our brains interpret the situation at hand. Going back to our example, as more demands were given for the project that exceeded the resources available, I found myself moving up and down the mobilized and immobilized state unable to reach the socially engaged state. 

At work, we are faced with different experiences such as an increase in work demand, unclear expectations, and implementation of new systems to name a few, which can be detected as a threat by our nervous system. These provoke different responses in individuals and can cause us to be emotionally dysregulated. This explains why some, me included, may respond in a manner that is not productive for the situation. If this is not managed, it can cause problems in the long run. It can impact productivity and even relationships in the workplace. What do we do now? 

One pathway you can try is called co-regulation.

Co-regulation is the “interactive and dynamic process of mutual emotional regulation, where two individuals seek to help each other actively in order to manage their emotional expression and states.” This is made possible by our mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are specialized brain cells that help us recognize the emotional state of another person. When we embody calmness, our mirror neurons show this message to another person’s mirror neurons which brings them from a state of dysregulation to regulation. 

In the workplace, whenever you feel that there you or your teammates are in the immobilized or fight or flight state, you can practice co-regulation by following the acronym HEAR. As an example, I included what our teammate said to practice co-regulation. 

Hold space

When emotions are very high, we need to give ourselves and others an opportunity to step back, stop what we are doing, and hold space for the emotions that we are feeling. In this step, we want to avoid overidentifying and downplaying our emotions. It is a time to notice what we are feeling and where we are feeling it in our body. We want to pull ourselves in the present so that we can be attuned to our own and other’s emotions without judgement. 

In this step, we can do grounding techniques such as a body scan and different breathing exercises. This can help us be aware of the physical and emotional warning signs of our body. 

“Once you read this, I want everyone to breathe in and breathe out for a few minutes and practice a little bit of mindfulness. Close the tabs that are open if your windows are full.” 

Empathize

Once we have calmed down, we can proceed to the next step which is to empathize. Empathizing can be shown through establishing eye contact to make a person feel seen or creating physical contact if possible. This can be as simple as sitting near the distressed person or just being with them in a video call. In this step, we should also take into consideration the level of comfortability of the person. 

Apart from establishing contact, this is where we can express our observations about the behaviors that we were seeing and the tension we were feeling. It is also helpful to ask for feedback if what you were observing and sensing were correct. 

“I know things have been very busy and tense for the past couple of weeks especially now that our tasks and projects are piling up.” 

Actively Listen

When your teammates are giving feedback and expressing their emotions, thoughts, and concerns, practice active listening. Make sure that as you hear them out, there are no distractions present. To ensure that you understood them, try to use your own words to explain what they just shared. This gives them a signal that you are attuned to what they are feeling and saying. This gives them a sense of validation which increases their feelings of safety. 

“I completely understand this and I appreciate you opening up to me. I also would love to comment this vulnerability. It’s been a very tough few weeks for everyone especially for your unit. I really understand where you are coming from. If I feel kept in the dark for tasks that I need to do, I would also feel the same way” 

Reflect feelings and perspectives

As the team enters the socially engaged state, it is important to remind each and everyone that it’s normal to feel upset, that things at work may sometimes feel like a threat to us. What’s important is that we are able to notice when our emotional states and resulting behaviors are going against our own values and hurting our relationships and productivity in the process. When we notice, we are able to pull one another into a regulated state. After all, we are working towards a common goal. 

After our teammate practiced HEAR, I felt safe and more comfortable to have the challenging conversation I was avoiding. I was able to express where the pain point was coming from, what values were being violated that caused me to be uneasy about the progress of the project. To date, we are working on fixing the pain points that we are facing and are more open in airing out similar concerns in upcoming projects. 

We spend a third of our lives at work and spend at least eight hours a day, five times a week with our workmates. We can leverage our collective power to rewire our brains so that despite challenges, we are able to maintain a regulated state that can enhance not only our own productivity but also develop positive and meaningful relationships with our colleagues as well. 

References:

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Laugh heals! The Benefits of Laughter and Humor in Our Well-being

laugh heals

Filipinos are known to be witty, fun-loving, humorous, and always smiling. It is common for Filipino citizens to turn a trending social issue into memes to lighten the mood or make the problem a lot easier to take. On TV and in street bars, there are stand-up comedians entertaining people with banter and jokes, and in a family setting, there will always be that one dad or uncle who is a “jokester”. According to anthropologist  Dr. Clemente Camposano, Chancellor of UP Visayas, jokes allow people to tackle real problems “in a manner that does not create tension.” 

So what do laughter and humor have to do with our well-being? 

Positive psychologists are particularly interested in the significance of humor as a character strength and a virtue that is crucial to human flourishing (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). It makes sense that those with a good sense of humor will be in a better position to handle trying circumstances, enjoy more cohesive relationships, find humor in all kinds of experiences, and benefit from more positive mental and physical health. (Martin, 2019).

Many studies have discovered that engaging in a humor exercise is associated with a positive mood, increased life satisfaction and a pleasurable and engaged life, and positive cognitive appraisals (Edwards, 2013, Maiolino & Kuiper, 2016, Ruch, Proyer, & Weber, 2010, Samson & Antonelli, 2013). Adaptive humor is linked with increased stable positive mood and decreased stable negative mood (Cann & Collette, 2014). On the other hand, detrimental humor (such as sarcasm and self-deprecating humor) is thought to have possible drawbacks like reduced relationship quality and low self-esteem (Martin, 2019). Existing research suggests that humor may have a variety of health benefits for patients, including improved interpersonal relationships, higher pleasant emotions, increased immunity, reduced pain, and happy emotions (Gelkopf, 2011).

According to Dr. Maria Rhodora Ancheta of the Department of English and Comparative Literature, College of Arts and Letters, University of the Philippines Diliman,  “national humor” unites Filipinos and is a potent showcase of “Filipino-ness.” At times of crisis, it serves as a “social glue” that unites all Filipinos who have gone through the same experiences. This shared laughter is what builds the essential solidarity that enables everyone to understand that many people can connect to their experiences. Despite our daily struggles, traumatic experiences, and embarrassing situations, laughing and humor provide us with comfort and positivity and pave the way for how we socialize with a sense of humor.

As it lessens the weight of difficult emotions, humor fits under the category of emotion-focused coping. Pinoys utilize comedy as a coping mechanism. By focusing on the funny parts of every situation they encounter instead of the issues at hand, they avoid life’s toughest headaches. Filipinos are able to boost one another’s spirits in the midst of hardship, making stressful circumstances more cheerful and less serious.

Humor is associated with innovation and productivity. Pinoys use their creativity to make others laugh. Filipinos are also quite talented at adapting and localizing foreign memes. They establish a distinctively Pinoy meme culture by combining elements of Filipino culture into memes, which distinguishes their sense of humor from those of other ethnic groups. Filipinos enjoy a bubble of happiness that is resonated with their common norms and shared experiences in diverse situations.

Filipinos use humor to resolve disputes without raising stress. Yet, humor may also be a technique for Filipinos to communicate hatred without raising tension or to channel their unfavorable sentiments toward others without immediately leading to heated confrontations. Laughter can sometimes disguise and deter Filipinos from taking critical things seriously. We utilize comedy to communicate our identities as well as our ideas and perspectives, some of which may offend certain individuals. Filipinos have discovered a means to spread relevant ideals and viewpoints based on current national realities by using comedy.

Then, what’s the difference between humor and laughter? Humor is an attitude. The ability to view the world as something other than awful (Ellis & Adams, 1994). It’s the ability to be childlike, not take things too seriously, and wear a positive worldview lens. Laughter is an expression of the outcome of humor. 

We are left with the questions of how genuine laughter can be the best medicine and how the power of humor heals.

Here are some benefits of laughing:

Social Benefits

There is something sacred about humor. If you can laugh at yourself, then you can forgive yourself. And if you can forgive yourself, you can forgive others.

—Bianca L. Rodriguez, LMFT

Laughter can improve relationships and your understanding of both yourself and others.

According to Scott, people laugh in order to get closer to each other. “Laughter is the social glue that makes and strengthens our links with other people.”

Remember the last time you found someone attractive because of their smile? It helps defuse conflict and adds positivity to conversations. Promotes and enhances teamwork and group bonding.

Mental Health Benefits

Laughing can help to reduce stress, as well as tension and anxiety. In the long run, it can boost resilience, increase joy and zest for life, and elevate mood and memory. Laughter alters your perception, enabling you to perceive situations in a more practical and non-threatening way. A light-hearted viewpoint fosters psychological distance, which can assist you in resolving conflict and preventing feelings of overwhelm. You can unwind and recharge with laughter. It lowers stress and boosts energy, allowing you to maintain focus and accomplish more.

Physical Health Benefits

Humor brings comfort and eases physical pain.

We know that laughter has been shown in studies to improve your pain threshold, likely due to an endorphin-mediated opiate effect. What is interesting is that this appears to be independent of your mood, meaning that it can have a positive effect even when you are down.

— Robert Bonakdar MD, FAAFP, FACN

Laughter can prevent heart disease and improve heart health. It improves sleep, boosts immunity, and lowers stress hormones. Laughter stimulates many organs, increases the amount of oxygen-rich air you breathe in, stimulates your heart, lungs, and muscles, and increases the amount of endorphins your brain releases.  Additionally, laughter can also increase blood circulation and help with muscle relaxation, which can help alleviate some of the physical symptoms of stress.

According to Dr. Lee Birk, who led a study of the interaction between the brain, behavior, and the immune system, “the anticipation of a happy laughter experience lowers levels of three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine (also known as adrenaline), and dopac.”

Tips on how to bring more laughter into our lives:

Start with a smile

The half-smile is a relaxation technique that helps you feel calmer and accept the reality of stressful situations. Half-smiling is achieved by relaxing your face (from your brow to your jaw and chin) and raising your lips into a tiny half-smile. The act of smiling, whether real or fake, causes your body to release endorphins, which are feel-good chemicals. Furthermore, a fake smile tends to lead to a genuine one, making laughter easier to come by and, as a result, relieving stress more easily.

Recruit funny friends

Spend more time around funny people. Social support is an essential component of stress management. Find a friend or group of friends with whom you can share your frustrations and challenges while also laughing about them. Even if your friends are not present, you can lift your spirits by thinking about the retelling that will take place later.

Find funny entertainment

Watch or listen to stand-up comedy and or read funny books. 

Don’t be afraid to embrace your inner child

Adults frequently believe that they must always act in an “age-appropriate” manner. However, if being silly and playful made you happy when you were 12, it is likely that it will make you happy now. Don’t deny yourself happiness because you feel obligated to act a certain way.

Even in the face of difficulties and hardships, Filipinos are known for having the highest levels of happiness. The Philippines ranked as the third-happiest nation in the world in Gallup’s 41st Annual Global End of Year Survey. It is noteworthy that Filipinos use their “national humor” in various contexts and for various purposes. Being able to see the situation through the optimistic lens of humor rekindles Filipinos’ hope and sense of community in overcoming whatever life throws at them. On the bright side, always finding a reason to smile in the middle of a storm adds up to the genuineness of Filipino humor.

References:

  • Ancheta, Maria Rhodora G. (2011) Halakhak: Defining the “National” in the Humor of Philippine Popular Culture. Thammasat Review, 14 (1). pp. 35-60. ISSN 0859-5747
  • Samuels, Roanne (2019) Filipinos and Their Contagious Laughter. The Power of Humor to Heal.https://kalamansijuice.com/filipinos-and-their-contagious-laughter-the-power-of-humor-to-heal/
  • Field, Barbara (2021) The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter. Reviewed by David Susman, PhD. https://www.verywellmind.com/health-benefits-of-humor-and-laughter-5101137
  • Robinson, Lawrence; Smith, Melinda;  M.A. and  Segal, Jeanne Ph.D. (2023) Laughter is the Best Medicine. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm
  • Yim, J. (2016). Therapeutic Benefits of Laughter in Mental Health: A Theoretical Review. The Tohoku Journal of Experimental Medicine, 239(3), 243–249.
  • Speer, M. E., & Delgado, M. R. (2017). Reminiscing about positive memories buffers acute stress responses. Nature Human Behaviour, 1(5), 0093.
  • Romundstad, S., Svebak, S., Holen, A., & Holmen, J. (2016). A 15-Year Follow-Up Study of Sense of Humor and Causes of Mortality: The Nord-Trøndelag Health Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, 78(3), 345–353.
  • Manninen, S., Tuominen, L., Dunbar, R. I., Karjalainen, T., Hirvonen, J., Arponen, E., Hari, R., Jääskeläinen, I. P., Sams, M., & Nummenmaa, L. (2017). Social Laughter Triggers Endogenous Opioid Release in Humans. The Journal of Neuroscience, 37(25), 6125–6131.
  • Buchowski, M. S., Majchrzak, K. M., Blomquist, K., Chen, K. Y., Byrne, D. W., & Bachorowski, J.-A. (2007). Energy expenditure of genuine laughter. International Journal of Obesity, 31(1), 131–137.
  • Sangco, Andrea. When In Manila Bob  May 11, 2006. https://www.wheninmanila.com/draft-here-are-4-reasons-why-filipino-humor-is-noteworthy/
  • Robinson, L., Smith, M., & Segal, J. (2021). Laughter is the Best Medicine. Retrieved from the Help Guide website: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm [Last updated: July 2021]
  • Mayo Clinic. Stress Management. Retrieved from the Mayo Clinic website: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-    relief/art-20044456 [Last updated: July 29, 2021]
  • Lonczak , Heather S., Smith, William. Humor in Psychology: Coping and Laughing your woes away. Retrieved from the Positive Psychology website: https://positivepsychology.com/humor-psychology/#strength [Last updated: July 08, 2020]
  • Scott, Elizabeth; Chung, Adah. How to Use Humor to Cope with Stress. Retrieved from the https://www.verywellmind.com/maintain-a-sense-of-humor-3144888 website [Last updated: June 12, 2022]
  • Lapena, Carmela. Use Pinoy ‘national humor’ to diffuse conflict, survive tough times. Retrieved the  from https://www.gmanetwork.com/news/lifestyle/content/284308/use-pinoy-national-humor-to-diffuse-conflict-survive-tough-times/story/ website. [Last updated: November 29, 2012]