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Embracing Self-Love During Challenging Times

self-love

During these past months, endless and unexpected challenges have been coming my way which have been leaving me feeling drained and helpless. As a result, I have been finding myself experiencing difficult times in reaching the different goals I have for myself. Through these feelings of heaviness and sadness that comes with it, I started to ask myself more often – “Why has it been so hard for myself to fully enjoy, be present, and show more love and compassion to others and to my different encounters in life?”

After much reflection, I’ve realized that the multiple hats that I’ve been having to wear have led to my personal or internal cup reaching its empty state. Feelings of overwhelm and helplessness have been consuming me due to not only my many hats of work tasks as a preschool teacher, fulfilling my numerous tasks as a Masters student, and adjusting to my long list of chores or tasks since I’ve recently shifted to a more independent living setup, but more importantly, through using my free time to empty my cup even more by engaging in unproductive thoughts, decisions, and encounters for myself.  As a result, I’d find myself beginning my days with an even more drained state. With this, I started to ask myself another question of – “Why do I keep on feeling drained and helpless?”

Coincidentally, I’ve stumbled upon a simple saying online that goes, “You can’t pour from an empty”. After reading this saying, I immediately found myself resonating with it and the saying slowly opened my mind and heart to a more hopeful and promising path to embark on to finally recharge my cup for each day as I tread this challenging season of my life. This current path that I’ve discovered and am excited to tread on consists of embracing self-love more fully and intentionally. As I am currently walking on the earlier parts of this path of embracing self-love, I am glad to share that I have slowly been experiencing more personal improvements in dealing with my multiple hats this season of my life. 

To hopefully inspire or also open more minds and hearts of people who are going through similar experiences in their journeys in life, here are 7 stepping stones that I’d love to share with all of you since they have not only helped me embrace self-love but have also been filling up my cup even more each day – 

Seven stepping stones to fully embracing self-love:

1. Setting healthy boundaries

As the saying goes, “You can’t practice self- love properly if you are constantly giving to others and running on an empty cup.”, I am slowly learning to say no to the things that may eventually drain my cup at the end of the day, or any part of the day. Examples of this may look like saying no to an outing with friends after a day of heavy work tasks and class requirements. Easier said than done for me because I’d also find myself wanting to please others (as guilty of being a people pleaser) instead of disappointing them by saying no. However, I’ve learned that we can’t always control other people’s thoughts about us, and what we can only control are our own thoughts, and we should focus more on our own well-being, especially if we are already in a “low-battery” state. And again, how will we even be able to fully attune to others as we are at a current state where we can’t anymore attune to our own selves. Or again, as the saying goes, “How can you pour from an empty cup.” So in setting these healthy boundaries for myself, I have recently learned the impact of choosing ourselves AND sitting with the discomfort that may come with it afterwards, and surprisingly I’ve learned how it was all worth it as I am able to fully attend to myself more, to other people’s needs or to give them a more compassionate and genuine space to be in, and to also attend to my many tasks more fully and effectively. 

2. Practicing Mindfulness

This second stone for me looks like engaging in different encounters that simply leads me back to my senses such as journaling, taking nature walks, and engaging in different breathing exercises. I have noticed how impactful these different practices of mindfulness have been for me in slowly choosing myself and embracing self- love, too. A helpful tip that I’d like to share is to include these different mindfulness experiences in your daily routines as often as possible. But also remember that each is to their own, as it truly depends on each one of you to find your own way of including these mindfulness practices in your own routines as often as possible. And find which way works best for you. 

3. Getting any kind of physical exercise

In relation to mindfulness, I’ve realized how a simple task of completing my chores such as mopping the floor of my condominium can help me process my thoughts and personal obstacles more intentionally and effectively. A recent physical exercise I’ve also been trying out is taking a 30- or 15-minute walk around my neighborhood after my work to help me calm myself down after a long day of work and class in order to help me better prepare myself to plan more effectively and recharge for the next day. Doing this more often has helped me balance the many tasks on my plate more effectively as I am able to become more fully aware and give more attention to all the concerns and the different hats I play in a day. Another helpful tip would be to write all these new mental insights gained after a successful physical exercise or task on a paper or notebook so that you are hopefully able to become more proactive on these plans for your succeeding days. 

4. Letting go of perfectionism

Growing up as a perfectionist, I would find myself being hard on myself after experiencing regrets or “should have” moments in my day. As a result, I would find myself draining my energy in negative thoughts. As a result of this, I’m slowly learning to choose to let go of my tendencies and thoughts of perfectionism to allow myself to slowly accept what has happened, move on from it, and look forward to new insights gained from the experience. Letting go of my perfectionism tendencies have positively impacted my mental health as it has slowly allowed me to become more patient and understanding of myself and others, too.

5. Watching my self-talk

After choosing to let go of my perfectionism tendencies, I have also learned the importance of consciously choosing positive self-talk, such as telling myself, “It’s okay to feel disappointed. These things happen…What can we do better next time?”, has been helping me feel heard, validated, and motivated to slowly move forward and learn from my experiences during the different and unexpected hurdles I would face each day.

6. Getting in touch with my interests and passions

As we are all faced with unexpected challenges each day, I’ve learned how helpful it has been for me to always go back to my “whys” or my passions in life that have been giving me purpose and strength to keep on moving forward. Going back to my interests, passions, or our sources of strengths has been a big help for me in effectively navigating my thoughts and actions in my daily encounters. 

7. Seeking help

The seventh stepping stone is seeking help. It truly is a big help on our part to constantly remind ourselves that we can only take so much and that it is okay to ask or reach out for help, no matter what they are and in what way these acts of seeking help may be. These ways of seeking help may look like reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and opening up to them about our troubles. Or this may also look like seeking professional help to better help ourselves find more effective ways to navigate the different parts and experiences we experience each day. I’d like to end this seventh stepping stone with a saying from my current favorite book,

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the Boy, “Help. Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give up,” the Horse replied. 

“The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy

With all these 7 stepping stones, I hope that in a way, these may help you slowly fill up your own internal cups and energize yourselves with more self-love practices and decisions more often during the various challenges we are all experiencing each day. But also, feel free to take baby steps in trying out these 7 stepping stones, and again, choose which way works best for you in easily bringing yourselves closer to decisions and actions of embracing self-love more fully, intentionally, and regularly. 

References:

  • Beyondpress. (2024, June 28). The Power of Self-Love During Tough Times – PACIFIC MIND HEALTH. Pacific Mind Health. https://pacificmindhealth.com/the-power-of-self-love-during-tough-times/
  • Dillard-Wright, D. B., PhD. (2020, October 7). Caring for yourself can make the world a better place. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/boundless/202010/self-love-in-difficult-times


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Blog Everyday Thriving

My Idea of a Compassionate Christmas…♫: Celebrating the Holidays amidst Adversities

Self-Compassionate Christimas

The onset of popular Christmas songs tells us that connecting with our loved ones brings

happy memories and joy amidst the holiday rush. 

However, for some of us dealing with mental health challenges and difficult situations, Christmas songs and the concept of celebrating the holidays can bring painful emotions. We may be uncomfortable when pressured to “pretend” or appear happy and embrace the festive spirit. We may even feel difficult emotions such as guilt and shame when we have to prioritize ourselves and our mental health. Some of us may be dealing with loss, being away from loved ones, conflicts in relationships, and daily challenges such as financial and physical stress.

For students, additional stress and anxiety could mean abrupt or difficult changes in routine, navigating family dynamics and expectations to “perform” for others, and sometimes having to share academic achievements and deal with comparisons. 

For adults, parents, and employees alike, this could mean additional responsibilities that can increase physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion while managing conflicting feelings. 

Hence, preventing burnout and finding your balance from the push and pull of the holidays is significant. We can harness our inner strength of Self-compassion to build our resilience and moments of joy during the holidays. According to Kristin Neff, this means (1) treating ourselves with kindness despite the painful emotions we may be going through, (2) having a sense of common humanity in our struggles, and (3) practicing mindfulness while seeing our experiences from a compassionate and balanced perspective. 

Research shows that practicing self-compassion and healthy emotional boundaries increases emotion regulation and well-being, which helps us genuinely connect with family and friends during the holidays. 

Here are 5 tips to celebrate this holiday season with self-compassion:

1. Be gentle with yourself and take time to listen to your emotions.

Acknowledge your feelings with kindness and curiosity. Treat yourself with compassion and understanding when holiday activities prompt difficult and painful feelings. Start by observing, describing, and participating in your emotions without judgment and pressure to “pretend” otherwise. Remember that feelings and emotions come and go, and it is a natural human experience to feel these in light of the challenges that you may be going through. Recognize the pattern that starts to emerge when you are beginning to react. Instead, respond to your emotions with awareness and self-validation: 

● “It makes sense that I am feeling this way.”

● “It makes sense that I am feeling different than others may expect me to, and that is okay.” 

● “I am not my emotions. My emotions come and go. It does not define me. I can cope.” 

2. Self-soothe to relax and cope with the stress.

We can be there for ourselves by practicing mindfulness of our emotions and body sensations to create a sense of safety amidst the holiday stress and pressures. This also helps in modeling emotion regulation to others. When feeling overwhelmed, practice self-soothing techniques, such as breathing and emotional grounding exercises, to return to the present moment. Self-compassion means treating ourselves as a friend in stressful times. Part of this intention is to care for ourselves and accept our emotional experiences as they happen. 

● Pause and take a self-compassion break. 

● Practice deep and affectionate breathing exercises. 

● Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation. 

3. Prioritize and set your boundaries

To understand our comfort level and build moments of joy, evaluate what’s important to you and your mental health. Do things mindfully and one at a time. Manage your expectations. It is okay to delegate or ask for help. Keep the holidays in perspective and set boundaries to balance your to-do lists and emotional needs. Putting our priorities into action and communicating them means taking care of ourselves first and managing our capacity to care for others. 

● Start by writing a list of what truly matters to you and your intentions (“What I am going to do” and “What I am not going to do”). 

● Know your limitations and practice radical acceptance to enhance self-compassion when learning to delegate and saying “no.” 

● Remember that you can step back when you need to by being mindful of your expectations and limitations.

4. Reframe your thoughts and soften your critical voice

Step back from self-judgment and notice negative self-talk. Talk to your critical voice as if talking to a friend. Soften your critical voice by responding with kindness and compassion. Be curious and respond with a reassuring and loving tone. Show physical kindness and warmth to yourself by practicing compassionate self-hug and reframing through compassionate self-talk. 

● Ask yourself: “What are my emotions trying to tell me right now?” 

● “It makes sense that you are worried about me. You want to look out for me but are taking a harsh approach. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”

5. Seek support and meaningful connections.

We are not alone in experiencing painful emotions during the most joyous time of the year. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, frustration, and even anger are a part of human nature that everybody goes through at some point in our lives, and they can happen even during the holidays. Reminding ourselves that we are a part of a community may help lessen our tendency to withdraw and self-isolate. When we are compassionate to ourselves and others, we can also be more authentic and confident in participating in holiday activities. 

● Seek out or stay in therapy for additional support. 

● Reach out to a friend or your loved ones and specifically connect with supportive individuals within your circle. 

● Interact with others and in holiday events positively and within your set boundaries. ● Volunteer to engage your empathic nature and enhance your mood with positive actions. 

● Join support groups that help you increase your sense of community with others. 

Remember that finding balance in celebrating despite adversities encourages us to respect our feelings while enjoying what we value during the holidays. We can find gratitude in small things and embody a gentle and compassionate holiday.

Sources:

  • American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Tips for parents on managing holiday stress. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/holiday
  • American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Holidays don’t have to mean excess stress. It’s time to reframe your thoughts.
  • https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/202 3/12/how-adults-can-help-children-prevent-and-decompress-from-holiday-stress ● Hendel, H.J. (2020, November 25). Surviving painful holiday emotions. National Alliance on Mental Illness.
  • https://www.nami.org/blog-post/surviving-painful-holiday-emotions/
  • Mutz, M. (2016). Christmas and subjective well-being: A research note. Applied Research in Quality of Life, 11(4), 1341–1356. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11482-015-9441-8
  • Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
  • Páez, D., Bilbao, M. Á., Bobowik, M., Campos, M., & Basabe, N. (2011). Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! The impact of Christmas rituals on subjective well-being and family’s emotional climate. International Journal of Social Psychology, 26(3), 373–386.
  • Velamoor, V., Voruganti, L., & Nadkarni, N. (1999). Feelings about Christmas, as Reported by Psychiatric Emergency Patients. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 27(3), 303–308

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Blog Everyday Thriving

Everyday Thriving: Father’s Day Edition

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Psychological research across families from all ethnic backgrounds suggests that fathers’ affection and increased family involvement help promote children’s social and emotional development.

American Psychological Association

The concept of a modern day father has garnered a lot of interest not just within the context of day-to-day life but in research as well.

At We Thrive, we believe in the father’s important role in human development and the wellbeing of the family as a whole. And we also acknowledge that mental health and wellbeing needs of fathers are not as talked about as that of their children’s

This father’s day, we want to share some insights from one renaissance dad–our very own Dr. Carlos Pizarro.

Dr. Carlos has an established career as a dentist and a mental health clinician. Outside of work, Dr. Carlos is a family man, an active leader in church and non-profit organizations and he is also a musician. Learn more from his insights on fatherhood, self-care and skills for everyday thriving:

What are your practices for Everyday Thriving?

We Thrive celebrates all the men in our lives wearing different hats, our first superheroes, and guides, this day is for you. Happy Father’s Day!

Sources:

American Psychological Association. (2009, September 8). The changing role of the modern day father. http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/changing-father

Stambor, Z. (2005, December). Meet the renaissance dad. Monitor on Psychology, 36(11). http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/renaissance

Hazlegreaves, S. (2020, February 19). Why mental health for modern day dads is a hidden but fast-growing issue. Open Access Government. https://www.openaccessgovernment.org/mental-health-for-modern-day-dads/82686/

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Small Steps, Big Impact: 6 Micro-practices for Thriving Amidst the Pandemic

Almost eight months into this Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic and without a vaccine available, many of us remain cautious and stay home to prevent the transmission of the virus. With this massive health crisis continuing to disrupt systems big and small, uncertainty and anxiety continue to be present in our day to day lives.

It is exhausting. It really is.

And yet, we continue to take the challenge head on. We try our best and show our resilience, every single day no matter how tiring or stressful it might be. Still, we do not definitively know how much longer this is going to drag on. How are we going to keep ourselves from burning out?

Science clearly tells us that taking care of oneself is the most essential thing we can do in order to properly care for someone else. We therefore wish to emphasize that in order to be more effective, more resilient and have more impact, it is essential to take proactive steps to manage stress and recharge body and mind. Taking any small step to bolster personal well-being, is not just an investment for oneself, but also in one’s ability to make a difference in the lives of others. (thriveglobal.com)

Self-care does not have to entail long stretches of time and big effort. And realistically speaking, with everything on our plate on a daily basis, we don’t really have the time or brain space for massive changes. Micro-practices can make a huge difference—it’s the small actionable steps, those mini-pauses, that matter more in the long run. All it takes is just a few minutes, and sometimes even just one mindful breath.

6 Micro-practices of Self-Care for Thriving: 

1. Deep Breathing/Paced Breathing

SCIENCE: Shallow breathing is part of the fight-or-flight response that causes secretion of stress hormones, eventually making the body more vulnerable to inflammation and disease. Breathing at a more calmed pace helps dial down the fight-or-flight response so the body can stop pumping unnecessary cortisol and adrenaline. (health.harvard.edu)

PRACTICE:

  • Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit or lie down.
    • First, take a normal breath.
    • Then try a deep breath: Breathe in slowly through your nose, allowing your chest and lower belly to rise as you fill your lungs (e.g. 4 counts). Let your abdomen expand fully.
    • Now breathe out slowly through your mouth or your nose, whatever feels more natural (e.g. 6 counts).
    • Repeat this breathing cycle for 10 times.
  • Once you’ve taken the steps above, you can move on to regular practice of controlled breathing. As you sit comfortably with your eyes closed, blend deep breathing with guided imagery, focusing on a word or phrase, or counting your breaths on the exhales.
  • You can use this breathing practice any time you feel stressed or tense.
2. Yoga Stretches

SCIENCE: The meditative quality of yoga triggers a well-studied physiological change known as the relaxation response.

Sun Salutation Variation Sitting On Chair Yoga (Surya Namaskar ...

This relaxation response has the following benefits:

  • lowers blood pressure, heart rate, breathing rate and oxygen consumption
  • decreases levels of adrenaline the stress hormone cortisol
  • boosts mood, decreases anxiety and depression
  • improves sleep

PRACTICE: Seated Sun Salutation (Images taken from Tummee.com)

3. S.T.O.P. – Shift from Reactive to Responsive

SCIENCE: In high-stress/high-emotion situations, our fight-or-flight tends to cause tunnel vision that leads us to interpret events or situations negatively. Sometimes causing us to act impulsively, say or do things we later regret.

PRACTICE: STOP

When you are feeling alarmed, stressed, or reactive:

  • Stop what you’re doing. Put things down for a minute.
  • Take a few deep breaths. Breathe normally and naturally, following the flow of air in and out of your nose.
  • Observe your experience as is. Notice bodily sensations, thoughts, and emotions with curiosity—no judgements.
  • Proceed with what feels like a wise next step. Ask yourself “What feels supportive in this moment?”
4. Shifting from Harsh Inner Critic to Self-Compassionate Talk

SCIENCE: Self-compassion is a practice that involves directing compassion for oneself during a time of suffering. It consists of three elements— mindfulness (present-focused awareness), common humanity (the understanding that one’s experience is similar to others, thus potentially reducing one’s sense of alienation), and self-kindness (using kind gestures or phrases toward oneself to support oneself). Self-compassion practices have been shown to have the following benefits:

  • improve positive affect, social connection, and self- and other-focused affect
  • espouses growth mindset and helps maintain peace of mind
  • increases productivity and performance even after failure
  • activates nurturance and soothing system that leads to greater feelings of wellbeing

PRACTICE: If you tend to struggle with negative self-talk whenever you make a mistake or feel like you could have done more, try these:

  • Write down the self-critical words that come to your mind, and ask yourself “Would I say these to a friend who is struggling?”
  • Develop a list of easy-to-remember self-compassionate statements such as:
    • I am trying my best. That is enough.
    • It’s understandable that I feel this way.
    • I am not perfect. No one is.
    • I know I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way.
5.  Connecting to Purpose

SCIENCE: A sense of purpose appears to have evolved in humans so that we can accomplish big things together—which may be why it’s associated with better physical and mental health. Purpose is adaptive, in an evolutionary sense. It helps both individuals and the species to survive.

PRACTICE:

  • Sit quietly with your feet in contact with the floor.
  • Take a few moments to settle down, breathing in deeply, inhaling and exhaling comfortably.
  • Feeling the contact of your feet on the solid ground beneath, gently and kindly ask yourself, “What values do I want to hold on to as I do my work and face this challenging situation?”
  • Feeling into the heart or chest area, gently and kindly ask yourself, “What do I wish to give or offer?”
  • Stretching the spine upward and reaching out to the sky, gently and kindly ask yourself, “What accomplishment would mean most to me in this work I’m doing?”  
6. Gratitude

SCIENCE: In a study at UC Davis, subjects who wrote down one thing for which they were grateful every day reported being 25% happier for a full six months after following this practice for just three weeks. A gratitude practice has been associated with increased vitality, improved kidney function, reduced blood pressure and stress hormone levels, and a stronger heart. (Mindfulness: The New Science of Health and Happiness, Time Special Edition)  

“Gratitude blocks toxic emotions, such as envy, resentment, regret and depression, which can destroy our happiness. It’s impossible to feel envious and grateful at the same time.”

Dr. Robert Emmons

PRACTICE: Three Good Things

At the end of each day, think about three things that went well that day, large or small, and describe why you think that happened. Remember the 4Ws (what went well why) as you write these.

This simple practice can be really powerful because it contributes to the past (remembering and appreciating what happened), present (noticing and savoring the positive feeling as you recall each good thing) and future (trains your mind to balance out negativity bias). By reflecting on the sources of these good things, the idea is that you start to see a broader ecosystem of goodness around you.

We hope that you get to try at least one of these micro-practices. And remember Richard Davidson’s words “Happiness and wellbeing are best regarded as skills” so let’s all practice, practice, practice.