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Blog Wellbeing Practices

Dancing Through Life: Integrating Mindfulness and Movement in Daily Living

Laya Alampay

When people ask me how long I’ve been dancing, I usually start counting the years from my freshman year in high school. In reality though, I’ve been dancing and moving for as long as I can remember. Whether it was recreating dance sequences from music videos, pretending that I was a popstar, or needing to dance for field demonstrations at school, I was always moving and grooving. 

This might be why I used to be intimidated by mindfulness exercises. As someone who loves moving around, and as someone whose mind endlessly wanders, the thought of having to sit still and meditate wasn’t something that particularly excited me. I had this impression that maybe mindfulness just wasn’t my thing, and that I would have to find other ways to work on my mental health. But the more that I started to grow and evolve in dance, and the more that I actually understood mindfulness, the more that I discovered that the two aren’t actually very different. In fact, all this time, I was unknowingly developing mindfulness through dance.

Let me share how I developed the attitudes of mindfulness through dance: 

1. Non-judging

A form of dance that I’ve come to love is freestyle – basically a form of improvisation. No choreographed routine, no planning ahead, just pure reliance on how your body naturally moves to the music. Admittedly, having to do freestyles used to make me self-conscious. In the beginning, it was something that seemed so intimidating to me. Over time though, I opened myself up, and it eventually became one of my favorite things to do. I found freedom and expression in not questioning or judging the choices my body was making, ultimately allowing myself to fully immerse in the moment.

2. Patience

Typically, we’re taught to stay on beat by using counts of 8. And while this method isn’t necessarily incorrect, it can be harder to apply to more intermediate and advanced choreographies. Even so, dancers can also sometimes get lost in their concentration and count intuitively, rather than actually listening and paying to the music. There’s a term that’s used, “dancing in the pocket” which basically means dancing in reaction to the music, rather than anticipating it. As I tried to get better and better at dancing in the pocket, I made intentional efforts to not rely on just counting in my head, but to actually listen to the music. It challenged me to become more patient and really exercise control over my mind and body.

3. Beginners mind

For almost 15 years now, without fail, every dance team I’ve joined starts every new training cycle with going back to very similar basic foundational drills. Whether the rookie or the senior, we all go back to the same drills. By doing these drills over and over again, and by embodying a beginner’s mindset, I’ve been able to develop a strong foundation that has allowed me to be stronger and more versatile. By adapting a beginner’s mindset, I also learned to appreciate every learning opportunity, and not take for granted all the small steps of hard work that I put in. Most importantly though, keeping a beginners’ mind keeping me curious, and keeps me excited to learn and grow.

4. Trust

One of the things that I’m most thankful for is that in all the years that I’ve been dancing is that I’ve never encountered a major injury that required me to be sidelined for an extended period of time. Sure, I might have sprained my ankle, strained a couple muscles, and I might have also dislocated my elbow once (although that wasn’t actually from dance!), but for the most part, I’ve been able to take care of my body. One of the biggest reasons why I’ve been able to do this is because I’ve learned how to listen and trust my body. I know when to push my body, and when to give it rest. And whenever I’m nervous, I’ve also learned to trust my body, and trust the training I’ve put in to prepare my body as best as I can.

5. Non-striving

I’m not going to pretend that I’m not competitive and that I never had dance ambitions. However, I was also lucky to have coaches and mentors who, more than winning, instilled the importance of enjoying the moment, and simply putting the best version of yourself on stage. Although we could be extremely competitive during training, come actual competition day, all of that would be thrown out the window. Nothing else mattered than pouring our hearts out and enjoying the moment. Ironically, non-striving has helped me stay in the competitive scene longer. I’ve actually been able to maintain a healthy and sustainable relationship with the demands of competing because my focus is centered around the process, and not the outcomes. 

6. Acceptance

I used to think that dance was universal. And by this, I thought that dance could mold the body to move in very specific ways. Over the years, a frustration I frequently encountered was: “why don’t I look like them?” I realized though, that as much as there are ways our bodies can move similarly, ultimately, every body works and moves differently. Our individual and unique movement is a power and a strength, and not a limitation. I came to discover that it’s not about exactly copying other people’s movements, but it’s about recognizing your own body, and understanding your own movement. By embracing and accepting your body and how it moves, it gets easier to actually understand how you can grow and improve.

7. Letting go

To this day, and even after years of experience, I’m still hit with waves of panic and anxiety before stepping on stage. And even in the simpler things like running choreography at the end of class, I will still feel moments of nervousness and uncertainty. But once your cue and the music starts, once you actually start moving, nothing else matters. You find yourself letting go and submitting to the music. And at the end of a stressful day or a stressful week, there’s no better feeling than having a few precious moments of just letting go of your inhibitions, and releasing all that stress. 

Over the past couple years, more and more dance studios have popped up across Metro Manila. There’s also been a lot more beginner classes of various styles. It’s been really fulfilling seeing dance become more accessible and approachable. And I guess this shouldn’t be a surprise since dance has always been a great form of exercise not only for our physical health but also our mental wellbeing. Not only this, but dance helps provide safe spaces and builds connection and communities. So if you’re curious, or even maybe just looking for a new activity to explore, I highly encourage exploring dancing through life!

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Embracing Self-Love During Challenging Times

self-love

During these past months, endless and unexpected challenges have been coming my way which have been leaving me feeling drained and helpless. As a result, I have been finding myself experiencing difficult times in reaching the different goals I have for myself. Through these feelings of heaviness and sadness that comes with it, I started to ask myself more often – “Why has it been so hard for myself to fully enjoy, be present, and show more love and compassion to others and to my different encounters in life?”

After much reflection, I’ve realized that the multiple hats that I’ve been having to wear have led to my personal or internal cup reaching its empty state. Feelings of overwhelm and helplessness have been consuming me due to not only my many hats of work tasks as a preschool teacher, fulfilling my numerous tasks as a Masters student, and adjusting to my long list of chores or tasks since I’ve recently shifted to a more independent living setup, but more importantly, through using my free time to empty my cup even more by engaging in unproductive thoughts, decisions, and encounters for myself.  As a result, I’d find myself beginning my days with an even more drained state. With this, I started to ask myself another question of – “Why do I keep on feeling drained and helpless?”

Coincidentally, I’ve stumbled upon a simple saying online that goes, “You can’t pour from an empty”. After reading this saying, I immediately found myself resonating with it and the saying slowly opened my mind and heart to a more hopeful and promising path to embark on to finally recharge my cup for each day as I tread this challenging season of my life. This current path that I’ve discovered and am excited to tread on consists of embracing self-love more fully and intentionally. As I am currently walking on the earlier parts of this path of embracing self-love, I am glad to share that I have slowly been experiencing more personal improvements in dealing with my multiple hats this season of my life. 

To hopefully inspire or also open more minds and hearts of people who are going through similar experiences in their journeys in life, here are 7 stepping stones that I’d love to share with all of you since they have not only helped me embrace self-love but have also been filling up my cup even more each day – 

Seven stepping stones to fully embracing self-love:

1. Setting healthy boundaries

As the saying goes, “You can’t practice self- love properly if you are constantly giving to others and running on an empty cup.”, I am slowly learning to say no to the things that may eventually drain my cup at the end of the day, or any part of the day. Examples of this may look like saying no to an outing with friends after a day of heavy work tasks and class requirements. Easier said than done for me because I’d also find myself wanting to please others (as guilty of being a people pleaser) instead of disappointing them by saying no. However, I’ve learned that we can’t always control other people’s thoughts about us, and what we can only control are our own thoughts, and we should focus more on our own well-being, especially if we are already in a “low-battery” state. And again, how will we even be able to fully attune to others as we are at a current state where we can’t anymore attune to our own selves. Or again, as the saying goes, “How can you pour from an empty cup.” So in setting these healthy boundaries for myself, I have recently learned the impact of choosing ourselves AND sitting with the discomfort that may come with it afterwards, and surprisingly I’ve learned how it was all worth it as I am able to fully attend to myself more, to other people’s needs or to give them a more compassionate and genuine space to be in, and to also attend to my many tasks more fully and effectively. 

2. Practicing Mindfulness

This second stone for me looks like engaging in different encounters that simply leads me back to my senses such as journaling, taking nature walks, and engaging in different breathing exercises. I have noticed how impactful these different practices of mindfulness have been for me in slowly choosing myself and embracing self- love, too. A helpful tip that I’d like to share is to include these different mindfulness experiences in your daily routines as often as possible. But also remember that each is to their own, as it truly depends on each one of you to find your own way of including these mindfulness practices in your own routines as often as possible. And find which way works best for you. 

3. Getting any kind of physical exercise

In relation to mindfulness, I’ve realized how a simple task of completing my chores such as mopping the floor of my condominium can help me process my thoughts and personal obstacles more intentionally and effectively. A recent physical exercise I’ve also been trying out is taking a 30- or 15-minute walk around my neighborhood after my work to help me calm myself down after a long day of work and class in order to help me better prepare myself to plan more effectively and recharge for the next day. Doing this more often has helped me balance the many tasks on my plate more effectively as I am able to become more fully aware and give more attention to all the concerns and the different hats I play in a day. Another helpful tip would be to write all these new mental insights gained after a successful physical exercise or task on a paper or notebook so that you are hopefully able to become more proactive on these plans for your succeeding days. 

4. Letting go of perfectionism

Growing up as a perfectionist, I would find myself being hard on myself after experiencing regrets or “should have” moments in my day. As a result, I would find myself draining my energy in negative thoughts. As a result of this, I’m slowly learning to choose to let go of my tendencies and thoughts of perfectionism to allow myself to slowly accept what has happened, move on from it, and look forward to new insights gained from the experience. Letting go of my perfectionism tendencies have positively impacted my mental health as it has slowly allowed me to become more patient and understanding of myself and others, too.

5. Watching my self-talk

After choosing to let go of my perfectionism tendencies, I have also learned the importance of consciously choosing positive self-talk, such as telling myself, “It’s okay to feel disappointed. These things happen…What can we do better next time?”, has been helping me feel heard, validated, and motivated to slowly move forward and learn from my experiences during the different and unexpected hurdles I would face each day.

6. Getting in touch with my interests and passions

As we are all faced with unexpected challenges each day, I’ve learned how helpful it has been for me to always go back to my “whys” or my passions in life that have been giving me purpose and strength to keep on moving forward. Going back to my interests, passions, or our sources of strengths has been a big help for me in effectively navigating my thoughts and actions in my daily encounters. 

7. Seeking help

The seventh stepping stone is seeking help. It truly is a big help on our part to constantly remind ourselves that we can only take so much and that it is okay to ask or reach out for help, no matter what they are and in what way these acts of seeking help may be. These ways of seeking help may look like reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and opening up to them about our troubles. Or this may also look like seeking professional help to better help ourselves find more effective ways to navigate the different parts and experiences we experience each day. I’d like to end this seventh stepping stone with a saying from my current favorite book,

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the Boy, “Help. Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give up,” the Horse replied. 

“The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy

With all these 7 stepping stones, I hope that in a way, these may help you slowly fill up your own internal cups and energize yourselves with more self-love practices and decisions more often during the various challenges we are all experiencing each day. But also, feel free to take baby steps in trying out these 7 stepping stones, and again, choose which way works best for you in easily bringing yourselves closer to decisions and actions of embracing self-love more fully, intentionally, and regularly. 

References:

  • Beyondpress. (2024, June 28). The Power of Self-Love During Tough Times – PACIFIC MIND HEALTH. Pacific Mind Health. https://pacificmindhealth.com/the-power-of-self-love-during-tough-times/
  • Dillard-Wright, D. B., PhD. (2020, October 7). Caring for yourself can make the world a better place. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/boundless/202010/self-love-in-difficult-times


Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

“Uy! Usap Tayo: How to Spot Healthy and Toxic Communication in Relationships”

communication

Ever walked away from a conversation feeling lighter, heard, and understood—like the connection between you and the other person just clicked? On the flip side, have you ever left an interaction feeling drained, confused, or doubting yourself? Communication isn’t just about words; it shapes how we build (or break) trust, emotional safety, and connection.

In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships—the way we communicate determines whether bonds deepen or fray. In Filipino culture, where pamilya first is the norm, values like pakikisama (getting along with others), respect for elders, and keeping the peace often dictate how we talk to each other. But what happens when these values lead to avoidance, where the “bahala na” (a “let it be” or “whatever”) attitude or the dreaded “Basta sundin mo na lang” (Just follow) mindset seeps in? it makes communication difficult, and toxic patterns—like passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, or emotional suppression—take root.

So how do we tell if we’re engaging in healthy or toxic communication? Let’s decode it together.

What Healthy Communication Looks Like

Healthy relationships don’t mean zero conflicts—they mean handling disagreements in a way that strengthens the bond rather than eroding it. Think of Ethan and Joy in Hello, Love, Goodbye—they had honest conversations about personal dreams and compromise, rather than resorting to manipulation or avoidance. Healthy communication can also manifest in other ways:

1. Open & Honest Expression

In a healthy relationship, both people feel safe sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or backlash. Transparency fosters trust. One way to do this? Use “I” statements instead of accusations. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed when responsibilities aren’t discussed beforehand” is much more productive than “You never help around the house.” The first invites a conversation, while the second invites defensiveness.

2. Active Listening & Validation

Feeling heard is one of the biggest indicators of a strong relationship. This means listening without interrupting, truly trying to understand the other person’s perspective, and showing that you care. Simple phrases like “I get why that upset you” or “That makes sense” go a long way. Plus, nonverbal cues—eye contact, nodding, mirroring body language—matter just as much as words. In fact, research suggests that 60-70% of our communication is nonverbal!

3. Conflict as opportunities for Collaboration

Arguments happen, but healthy couples see them as challenges to tackle together rather than battles to win. Some strategies they use:

  • Pausing before reacting – Taking a time-out when emotions run high to prevent saying something regrettable.
  • Focusing on solutions – Discussing behaviors instead of attacking character (e.g., “Can we split chores more evenly?” instead of “You’re so lazy.”)
  • Compromising – Finding a middle ground so that both people feel valued.

4. Emotional Support & Empathy

Empathy is the glue of strong relationships. Instead of dismissing feelings (“You’re overreacting”), validating them (“That sounds tough. How can I help?”) strengthens connection. Dr. Helen Riess, a renowned psychiatrist who has dedicated her life to understanding empathy, suggests using the E.M.P.A.T.H.Y. mnemonic to boost empathic capacity: Eye Contact, Muscles of Facial Expression, Posture, Affect, Tone of Voice, Hear the Whole Person, and Your Response—to deepen emotional understanding.

5. Actions Matching Words

In healthy relationships, verbal and nonverbal communication align. If someone says, “I love you,” but their actions consistently show indifference, the words lose meaning. Little things—like reaching for a partner’s hand during an apology—can reinforce sincerity and deepen trust. And touch, when consensual, also plays a role in healthy relationships, as it triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone known to promote bonding and reduce stress hormones like cortisol.

So, what happens when things take a different turn? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, our conversations can slip into toxic patterns, gradually eroding trust and emotional safety. Recognizing these patterns help because what starts as minor miscommunication can build into long-term hurt.

What Toxic Communication Looks Like

It doesn’t always start with shouting or outright cruelty—it’s often subtle at first. Think about classic Filipino teleseryes where jealousy is mistaken for love, like when a character demands, “Bakit mo siya tinitingnan? Ako lang dapat!” (“Why are you looking at them? You should only look at me!”) or manipulate their partner by threatening to leave just to test their devotion. Over time, these patterns can create emotional wounds that are hard to heal. Here are some red flags to look out for:

1. Verbal Aggression & Contempt

Sarcasm, insults, and eye-rolling may seem minor, but they’re serious indicators of toxicity. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman found that contempt—things like mockery or belittling—is the strongest predictor of divorce. Why? Because it conveys superiority rather than respect.

2. Gaslighting & Manipulation

Gaslighting is when someone distorts reality to make you doubt your own perceptions. If you often hear phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “That never happened,” it might not just be a misunderstanding—it could be manipulation. Over time, this kind of behavior erodes confidence and can make a person feel like they’re losing their sense of self.

3. Stonewalling & Avoidance

Stonewalling—shutting down or withdrawing from conversations—is a common defense mechanism, but it’s also a relationship killer. While taking space to cool off is healthy, completely avoiding discussions creates an emotional void that leads to unresolved resentment.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Instead of openly addressing issues, toxic communication often involves backhanded comments, silent treatment, or subtle jabs. For example, “Nice of you to finally show up” instead of directly saying, “I was hurt when you were late.” These behaviors create tension and prevent honest dialogue.

5. Contradictory Nonverbal Cues

Mixed signals—like saying “I’m fine” while slamming doors—can be incredibly confusing. Aggressive gestures, turning away, or using a dismissive tone can speak louder than words and often indicate underlying hostility.

Having a hard time thinking about where your relationship stands? Here is a visual example that can help you determine the nature of how you communicate. Try to think about a pH Scale but for human communication.

First, let’s go way back—back to the basics of chemistry. One of the first things we learned was the pH scale, which measures how acidic or basic a substance is.

The more acidic something is, the more likely it is to burn. Strong acids can cause damage—it’s painful on the skin, stinging in the eyes.

But what does this have to do with the way we communicate?

People often talk about how conversations can be “too negative” or how we should be “more positive.” It sometimes feels like we measure communication on a scale like this:

More positive = better. But that’s not always true. If we go back to chemistry, highly basic substances can burn just as much as acids. In other words, if we only judge communication as either “positive” or “negative,” we miss the bigger picture.

But if we factor in HONESTY, the picture becomes clearer. Let’s use the following as examples:

  • Cruel lies – These are obviously harmful. Luckily, they don’t happen too often in direct conversations.
  • Toxic positivity – This one is trickier. It sounds nice, but it dismisses real struggles. Think of phrases like “Everything happens for a reason!” or “Bahala na!”  While well-meaning, these statements can make people feel unheard rather than comforted.
  • Brutal honesty – This is another extreme. It values truth but at the cost of kindness. Sometimes, people justify hurtful words by saying, “I’m just being honest.” But honesty without compassion can be just as damaging as a lie.

Both toxic positivity and brutal honesty shut down meaningful conversations before they even begin. Hence, finding the Balanced pH is key!

In chemistry, a balanced pH would fall between 6 and 8—not too acidic, not too basic. In communication, we should aim for the same balance. It can manifest in these ways:

  • Be honest, but with empathy.
  • Be positive, but without dismissing reality.
  • Listen, not just speak.

In the end, balanced communication isn’t just about being positive or negative (healthy or toxic)—it’s about being real while still being kind. And being aware of these patterns are equally important because the way we communicate doesn’t only impact our relationships—it affects our mental well-being too. Remember, healthy communication strengthens emotional resilience, reduces stress, and boosts overall life satisfaction and well being. While toxic communication triggers chronic stress responses in the brain, increasing anxiety, depression, and even symptoms similar to PTSD.

So when we prioritize healthy dialogue, we foster deeper connections, trust, and emotional security. But when toxic communication takes hold, it creates cycles of harm that can be tough to break. To be honest, it does sound daunting and possibly exhausting to constantly keep this in check.The good news? Every conversation is a chance to do better.

Even Millennials and Gen Z-ers are growing with this mindset in hand—choosing open dialogue over the old “tiisin mo na lang” (just endure it) mentality. Whether that means pausing before reacting, listening more attentively, or setting firmer boundaries, small shifts in communication can lead to massive changes in our relationships. Because in the end, the quality of our conversations is the quality of our connections.

So, what kind of conversations do you want to have?

References:

Categories
Blog General Wellbeing Practices

The 5 Stages of Heartbreak (and how to survive them)

heartbreak

Heartbreak is inevitable. We try to avoid it, we fear it, but at some point, it is something we all experience. Whether it is the end of a romantic relationship, a breakup with a long-term partner, or the painful decision to file for separation/annulment/divorce, heartbreak is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience. The emotional toll can feel exhausting, leaving you wondering how you will ever move forward.

But here is the thing: while heartbreak can be a difficult and very emotional experience, it can also be a catalyst for healing and growth. Understanding the stages of heartbreak and learning how to navigate each one can help you find you overcome the pain and come out stronger.

In this post, we will dive into the stages of heartbreak, based on the Kübler-Ross model of grief, and explore how to manage your emotions as you move through each phase. Whether you are in the middle of a heartbreak or reflecting on one from the past, this article will offer
insights on how to cope, heal, and ultimately grow.

Denial

The first stage of heartbreak is denial, a natural response of the brain and a common defense mechanism that helps numb the overwhelming emotions triggered by a breakup. Denial provides a temporary emotional shield, giving you more time to adjust to the situation, slowly absorb your new reality, and begin to process the inevitable changes in your life.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Trying to stay in touch with your ex as though you are still together to keep some form of normalcy
  • Forgetting that you were broken up and not sharing this news with your family and friends

Some coping strategies include:

  • Allow yourself to feel all the emotions
    • Stop running away from them and allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Sometimes it is best to let everything out.
  • Acknowledge the breakup by sharing the news
    • Sharing the news to your loved ones can serve as a starting point for moving on.
  • Avoid contacting your ex
    • Staying in contact with your ex only makes it more difficult to move on. You will constantly have them in your mind, which will slow down the healing process.

Anger

The second stage of heartbreak is anger. While denial acts as a coping
mechanism, anger functions as a mask that conceals the deeper negative emotions and pain that often accompany a breakup, such as bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It allows you to channel those intense feelings outward, creating a sense of control over the emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling hurt
  • Blaming your ex for the breakup and carrying resentment towards them
  • Hoping for the worst for your ex

Some coping strategies include:

  • Sit with your anger and channel it elsewhere
    • It is normal to feel angry in this situation. Sit on your anger even if its uncomfortable, then channel it elsewhere by exercising, listening to music, etc.
  • Avoid badmouthing your ex
    • Eliminate all negative vibes by avoiding to talk about your ex’s negative traits and attributes. This will only make it more difficult to move on. Use these conversations to focus on rebuilding yourself and navigating the changes.

Bargaining

The third stage of heartbreak is bargaining. During this phase, we often negotiate with ourselves, and sometimes with our ex-partners, trying to find ways to change or fix things in order to restore the relationship. It is common to find yourself caught up in “what if”, as you desperately seek alternate scenarios where things could have turned out differently. This stage serves as a defense against the deeper emotions of grief, offering a temporary escape from the sadness, confusion, and pain.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it is not uncommon to look for ways to regain control.
  • Wishing for another chance, reevaluating and negotiating relationship terms (friends with benefits, situationships, etc. ), and end up compromising your own personal values.
  • Seeking to compromise with your ex and promising change.

Some coping strategies include:

  • Always remember why you broke up
    • It is inevitable to reminisce about your relationship and
      remember the good times you had together. When you start to
      think that they should be back in your life, remember the
      reasons as to why the relationship did not work out.
  • Remember your personal values
    • Do not sacrifice the values that are important to you. You can
      build a meaningful relationship on your own terms with
      someone who shares those same values.

Depression

The fourth stage of heartbreak is depression. In this stage, you might find yourself more capable of confronting and processing your feelings. You may create your own opportunity to give yourself the space needed to deeply process the events and heal from the heartbreak. However, depression can be complex, messy, and profoundly difficult to navigate, which is why it is crucial to lean on loved ones and seek the support you need during this challenging time.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling overwhelmed, heavy, and confused
  • Feeling an overwhelming sadness and experiencing crying spells
  • Isolating yourself from friends and family
  • Feeling hopeless about the future

Some coping strategies include:

  • Practice self-care
    • Take care of your mental health by practicing mindfullness,
      getting enough sleep, eating, and doing the things you love to
      do.
  • Reach out to loved ones
    • Reach out to your friends and family for their support. They
      will be integral to your healing.
  • Find something that makes you happy
    • Find something that makes you feel happy and relaxed to help
      you focus on the present moment.
  • Seek professional help if needed
    • If you feel extremely overwhelmed and lost, it is a good idea to
      talk to a professional who can help you in navigating your loss
      and processing your feelings.

Acceptance and Healing

The final stage of heartbreak is acceptance and healing. Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you have completely moved past the loss. Rather, it signifies that you have come to terms with the breakup and have gained a deeper understanding of what it means in your life moving forward. You begin to integrate the feelings, experiences, lessons, and memories from the relationship, ultimately acknowledging that it has reached its natural end, and you find the strength to let go and gradually move forward.

References:

  • Gupta, S. (2024, February 9). From heartbreak to healing: Navigating the 7 stages of a breakup. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/from-heartbreak-to-healing-navigating-the-7-stages-of-a-breakup-8552187
  • Holland, K. (2024, September 30). The stages of grief: How to understand your feelings.
  • Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
  • Tyrell, P., Harberger, S., Schoo, C., & Siddiqui, W. (2025). Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief.

Categories
Blog Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Everyday Thriving

How DEAR MAN Helps us Share our Feelings Effectively

sharing feelings

“Don’t rock the boat.”

Most of us at some point in our lives have likely heard such an idiom as this or similar to this. These sayings point to a warning against causing trouble, disturbing the harmony of a situation, or causing distress to people around you. It is certainly true that keeping harmonious relationships in this way helps people around you to stay calm and happy. However, this sometimes comes at the cost of us not being able to speak our truth, or even do what matters to us the most. With repeated interactions along these lines, where expectations of harmony and smooth relationships are prioritized over being able to express oneself and one’s needs, some of us simply forget to or even become afraid to express ourselves. This apprehension includes one where we end up not knowing how to share how we feel.

However, it is important to both our wellbeing and for forming strong, deep, and genuine relationships for us to be able to share our how we feel. Fortunately, there is a known way, backed by research and practice, to share how we feel that is effective and recommended. To jump right into what we can use, let’s consider the following template:

“A while I noticed that we were in a situation where (describe the situation). When this happens, I feel (say the word for the emotion that you felt, with additional detail to what applies to you). I want (share what you want to happen). When we do this, (share how what you want to happen will benefit you and the person/people involved).”

The above statement is grounded on the pillar of Interpersonal Effectiveness, which in turn is one of the four pillars forwarded by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Specifically, it is derived from the technique named “DEAR MAN”, which is an acronym that summarizes a structured method of speaking with others in a balanced manner. Keeping in mind the principles of DEAR MAN help you share your feelings with respect while maintaining as much as possible the good relationships you have with whom you are speaking to. Additionally, under these principles. Being effective with sharing your feelings also means that you get to share the needs behind these feelings in a manner that is actionable by the people involved. To understand the template above much better, let’s look into what principles the letters in DEAR MAN stand for!

DESCRIBE

This principle means starting by clearly describing the situation using facts and/or what can be seen mostly by the five senses. It’s important that you don’t place your opinions, evaluations, and especially accusations at this point. By sticking to just describing, you reduce possible defensiveness or escalating things into an argument. It’s important as well to lean more towards “I” statements, rather than “you” statements if possible, meaning that you focus more on what you perceived using your senses rather than what someone did.

TIP: “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN pertains to what you say. While the “MAN” focuses more on the overall general stance (how you say it) when carrying out the “DEAR” portion of DEAR MAN.

EXPRESS

After describing the situation, this principle is where you share how you felt when the situation you describe unfolded. It is important to speak this part out because it is often the case that people actually often don’t know how you feel, but we just assume that they do because you feel these emotions so concretely. However, people are not always aware of how you feel. For example, you can say something along the lines of, “Whenever this happens, I feel sad, and I feel as if I’m not important.” Notice how the statement still sticks with “I” wordings, emphasizing your own experience.

ASSERT

After sharing how you feel, assert your needs by plainly stating what you want to happen. It is understandable that asserting your needs might feel uncomfortable for you. However, it is important to know that expressing emotions effectively and respectfully needs to come with a conviction that being assertive is not being demanding or egotistical. Asserting your needs simply means that you are giving respect to yourself and the fact that your needs are valid. 

To make carrying out this principle more effective, ensure that you state your request in a manner that can be simply understood by the person you are talking to. 

REINFORCE

Reinforcing here means explaining how the outcome of what you want to happen is beneficial for you and the person/people involved. This portion is relevant because it demonstrates that you are being balanced in sharing what you want to happen. It also shows that you have expressed your needs with their interests and your relationship in mind.

Carrying out this principle also means declaring how important your relationship is to you, showing appreciation, asking what they think about your proposal, and expressing gratitude.

stay MINDFUL

The first of this is staying mindful of the conversation, your feelings and values, your request, as well as your internal state. This principle is relevant because it is certainly possible that the ensuing conversations drifts away from how you felt and what you want to happen.

When you talk about emotions, it is possible that the person you are talking to also becomes emotional in their own way. They can clam up, try to change the topic, be defensive, or even engage in personal attacks. Anchoring to the principle of Mindfulness means that after acknowledging these, that you remain calm and focused on your request, continuing to return to it if the conversation drifts away. For example, one thing you can say is “I understand, and we can talk about that after. But it’s better if we focus on one thing at a time; I want to finish talking about this first.”

APPEAR CONFIDENT

It is understandable that you might feel nervous about sharing about how you feel and what your needs are; after all, it can be something that you are not used to doing. Despite this, appearing confident can help the person/people you are talking to take you seriously. Appearing confident can be as simple as maintaining an even tone of voice, a neutral posture, eye contact, as well as refraining from apologizing about your requests and how you feel or felt.

NEGOTIATE

Finally, part of carrying out the principles of DEAR MAN, means understanding that you cannot always get what you exactly want in life. The “Negotiate” principle means allowing some flexibility in your request. When adjusting your request, make sure that your adjustment still adequately responds to your needs and how you felt in a balanced manner. Being balanced here means finding ways that you can resolve the conversation in a manner that leaves you and the person/people involved satisfied. Negotiating can also mean asking the person for their input on how the situation can be improved.

In closing, sharing your emotions effectively is a skill that you can get better on with repeated practice. Grounding yourself in the DEAR MAN technique and its principles ensures that you share your emotions in a manner that is balanced and respectful. It is also an effective means of sharing your emotions about a situation, as it opens the possibility of improving the situations and the relationship(s) you have with the person/people involved.

Remember: your needs, your voice, and how you feel are important. When you learn how to express yourself effectively, your relationships grow to be deeper, stronger, and more authentic.

We Thrive offers Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) individual therapy and skills group training. The DBT clinicians at We Thrive trained under the Linehan Institute/Behavior Tech. Contact us to learn more about DBT at We Thrive or sign-up for DBT skills group using this form.

References:

  • Linehan, M. (2015). DBT skills training manual. The Guilford Press.
  • McKay, M., Wood, J. C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 
  • Pederson, L. (2017). The expanded dialectical behavior therapy skills training manual,2nd edition: DBT for self-help and individual & group treatment settings. Pesi Publishing & Media.

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Blog News & Events

Seeding Hope for the Youngest Minds: Reflections from the Baby Matters Infant Mental Health Conference in Pakistan

Infancy is a critical time for brain development—over 1 million neural connections form every second in a baby’s brain. These connections are shaped by relationships. How an infant is nurtured literally becomes part of their nature. That’s why responsive caregiving is at the heart of mental health—and why infant mental health must be a national and global priority.

From April 11 to 13, I had the privilege of being part of a powerful convergence of global infant mental health experts at the Baby Matters Infant Mental Health Conference in Pakistan. Representing a diverse team from the United States, South Africa, the Philippines, and Pakistan, we came together with a shared mission: to support healthy beginnings for Pakistani children by laying the groundwork for nurturing, culturally responsive, and evidence-informed early childhood mental health systems.

The conference was led by the visionary father-daughter team of psychiatrists, Dr. Roop Zainab Rana and Professor Mowadat H. Rana, whose leadership brought to life not only a learning space, but a movement rooted in compassion, scientific rigor, and real transformational impact.

What made this gathering truly unique was not just the breadth of expertise, but the innovative model guiding it—the Honey Bee Model. Much like a honey bee carries life-sustaining pollen from one flower to another, this model brings knowledge, tools, and resources to various cities and sectors across Pakistan—Islamabad, Karachi, Lahore, and Peshawar—allowing each site to shape and cultivate research, training, and interventions that are deeply rooted in local realities. It’s a model that ensures the work does not remain at the level of dialogue but transforms into action that is widely accessible and locally owned.

One of the central features of the conference was the integration of policy dialogue, aiming to embed infant mental health into national frameworks and systems. The sessions acknowledged that enduring change requires coordinated advocacy across maternal health, child development, education, and community care.

In my own workshop assignment, I was honored to provide an overview of infant mental health in clinical practice to a deeply engaged interdisciplinary group that included pediatricians, psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, and lady health workers/home visitors. The exchange of insights across disciplines was a powerful reminder that early mental health care is not the domain of one profession alone—it is a collective responsibility.

A grounding theme throughout the conference was the importance of respecting and drawing from Pakistan’s rich cultural values and caregiving traditions. Programs that resonate with people’s lived experiences, languages, and beliefs are more likely to succeed and be sustained. We were reminded again and again that effective strategies are not imported—they are co-created.

The conference also echoed a message close to my heart: maternal health is essential to mental health. Supporting mothers—physically, emotionally, and relationally—lays the foundation for their infants’ secure development. It was also heartening to witness growing conversations around father involvement, challenging traditional gender norms and opening space for fathers to take more active, nurturing roles in their children’s lives.

As I reflect on those three days in Pakistan, I carry with me deep gratitude for the graciousness and hospitality of the organizers, especially the team from Khyber Medical University. The warmth with which we were received was matched only by the passion and clarity of purpose demonstrated by every participant.

We return home not only with knowledge shared but with relationships formed and a sense of shared mission renewed. May the seeds planted through this conference take root in communities across Pakistan, and may we continue to learn from and support one another as we work for a world where every child can begin life held in safety, love, and possibility.

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Blog Thrive at Work Wellbeing Practices

Embracing Mindfulness: The Cornerstone of Effective Leadership

mindful leadership

Modern life has been defined by a steady stream of distractions that can impair productivity and cause us to lose focus on what really matters– from the never-ending alerts on our smartphones to the never-ending onslaught of emails and appointments. Keeping focused and engaged is more difficult than ever at a time when information overload and shorter attention spans are the norm. This has become more evident in the leadership domain, where promoting an innovative culture and bringing about significant change depend heavily on one’s capacity to remain focused and in the moment.

In today’s fast-paced world, there has never been a greater need for effective leadership. In the classroom, in the boardroom, or in the community, leaders must navigate difficult situations while motivating and inspiring those around them. But within the confusion and demands of life, mindfulness in leadership is a crucial quality that seems to be frequently overlooked.

The foundation of good leadership is mindfulness, which is frequently connected to spirituality and meditation.

“Mindfulness is the simple process of noticing new things about the familiar. When we notice actively, we become sensitive to perspective and change.”

Ellen Langer, Harvard professor of Psychology 

It involves accepting oneself, one’s ideas, feelings, and environment, as well as being completely present and involved in the here and now. Although mindfulness may seem like a straightforward idea, it may have a significant influence on a leader’s capacity to make wise decisions, develop deep connections, and create a healthy work environment.

Fundamentally, mindfulness enables leaders to cultivate self-awareness– which is an essential quality of successful leadership. Leaders are able to make more deliberate decisions and better control their impulses by developing an awareness of their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as opposed to responding rashly to circumstances. In addition to promoting personal development, this self-awareness helps leaders build empathy for others, which in turn promotes a cooperative and understanding culture within their teams.

Mindfulness also gives leaders the strength they need to face uncertainty and hardship. In the a turbulent and unpredictable environment, leaders frequently encounter unforeseen difficulties and setbacks. Leaders can cultivate mental toughness to maintain composure under duress, adjust to change, and endure hardship by engaging in mindfulness practices. Leaders that possess resilience not only instill confidence in their teams but also provide an example for others to follow, exemplifying the value of remaining composed and clear-headed under difficult situations.

Additionally, practicing mindfulness improves a leader’s capacity for genuine connection-making and successful communication with their staff. Leaders may cultivate trust and rapport with their team members by exhibiting real interest and empathy during encounters, if they are totally present and attentive. In the end, this genuine and open communication is able to foster a positive work atmosphere where team members feel appreciated and free to share their thoughts and viewpoints, which stimulates innovation and creativity inside the company.

Apart from enhancing social skills, mindfulness also helps leaders make strategic decisions and think strategically. Leaders who practice mental clarity and focus are able to see beyond the current difficulties and formulate long-term goals and objectives. With this strategic viewpoint, executives can make well-informed decisions that support the mission and core values of the company, resulting in long-term success and development.

Mindfulness also empowers leaders to adopt a servant leadership style that puts their team members’ growth and well-being first. Leaders may enable their people to flourish both personally and professionally by cultivating a culture of mindfulness inside their businesses. This improves employee retention and happiness while also helping businesses draw in top talent and stay competitive in the fast-paced job market of today.

Although it seems to be one of the latest buzzwords, mindfulness is not merely a fad. It has been found to be an essential part of effective leadership in the twenty-first century.

Leaders may acquire the self-awareness, resilience, communication abilities, and strategic thinking necessary to successfully traverse the complicated and constantly changing world of today by practicing mindfulness. Leaders who practice mindfulness are better equipped to empower their staff, create genuine connections, and promote long-term success and growth in their companies. Adopting mindfulness is advantageous for leaders as individuals as well as crucial for developing a culture of good and influential leadership that encourages and facilitates others in realizing their own potential. 

References:

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Blog Thrive at Work

Cultivating Mentoring Relationships for Psychotherapists

mentoring

“It’s important that you feel held.” These words of my clinical supervisor echo in my mind whenever I am in a helping process with someone in distress. And rightly so, for I received those words when I myself was going through distress – managing my first complex case as a starting psychotherapist. My client that time just experienced a terrible trauma and attempted suicide. They survived, thankfully, but I remember feeling overwhelmed, distressed over my client’s safety, and doubtful of my own efficacy. My clinical supervisor made space for me to share my inner process of working with this client; listening attentively, guiding with reflective questions, and, when necessary, sharing advice and her own experience as a beginning therapist. It was her generous sharing of both her technical expertise and compassionate presence that enabled me to replenish my reserves to support my client. Eventually, my client was able to find her path towards safety and thriving; and I also grew to be more competent and confident in my skills. That space became my concrete experience of the parallel process in therapy work; being made to feel held so that one can, in turn, also cultivate a safe holding space with clients and colleagues.

Beyond a space to experience the parallel process in therapy work, having mentoring relationships has been found to positively impact both the professional and personal life of a clinician. Mentoring is defined as “a personal and reciprocal relationship in which a more experienced professional acts as a guide, role model, teacher, and sponsor of a less experienced professional” (Johnson, 2017). Benefits of having a network of mentoring relationships include strengthening one’s clinical competence, self-confidence, and self-identity as a clinician, connections, and career opportunities. Studies show that those who receive mentoring tend to feel more committed to their profession, accelerate their professional development, access more opportunities, and may even earn more than those not receiving mentoring. In the sometimes isolating and emotionally taxing context of therapy work, being connected to a “constellation of mentors” can help nourish one’s socio-emotional well-being and replenish one’s compassion. And while getting a mentor can just happen organically, we can also be more intentional in cultivating our personal “board of mentors” with the following steps:

1. Reflecting on one’s development goals (professional and personal) and mentoring needs.

What is my personal and/or professional vision and mission? What are my values and goals? What skills, knowledge, or opportunities would support these? 

    Once these are clear, it’s easier to identify one’s mentoring needs. What kind of exposure, guidance, and role model would best support one’s goals? Mentoring relationships can range from more formal clinical supervision under structured training programs and academic mentoring, or more informal such as having coffee conversations with more proficient others. It can focus on seeking guidance regarding specific skills, current or future role, one’s profession. But it can also focus on non-work matters such as fitness, spirituality, financial proficiency, that support work-life balance and self-care. While early-career professionals profit the most from highly structured and technical supervision, mentoring relationships for mid-career professionals tend to grow less formal and more collegial peer coaching. These can be found in joining special interest organizations, networking with peers in events, or one’s informal network of professionals. Meanwhile, those in the advanced level of their career often take on the guiding role.

    2. Reaching out to a potential mentor

    While it may be daunting to proactively strike a relationship with a potential mentor, it can be affirming to know that mentoring relationships can also be rewarding for mentors. Evidence suggests that having mentees can feel fulfilling, generative, and re-energizing on the side of a more senior professional. Other challenges may be more logistical, such as challenges in availability, limited access to groups or programs providing mentoring, or limited local specialists in the area we would like to be mentored in. To these concerns, it may help to cast wide one’s net and list down all potential guides, as well as leveraging on technology and teleconferencing to access possible guides outside of one’s immediate location. Once the list is set, you can check out these tips and sample templates for reaching out to potential guides.

    3. Reciprocal relationship building

    Keeping the mentoring relationship warm and mutually rewarding is beneficial for all involved. In reality, many potential mentors already have busy schedules, so cultivating the attitude of a mentee that is a pleasure to guide and finding ways to contribute to a mentor’s goals can make the relationship more reciprocal. Mentors are found to gravitate towards a mentee who is proactive, strives for excellence, is open and responsive to feedback, collaborates with the mentor’s goals, and demonstrates commitment to growth.

    Concrete ways to keep the engagement productive and reciprocal may include preparing well for mentorship meetings, following through on one’s commitment, and determining what you can bring to the mentoring relationship. For more formal interactions, setting parameters on when to close the formal mentoring relationship (but keeping the connection open) would be helpful. The APA expounds more on guidelines for both mentors and mentees here. 

    To sum, cultivating mentoring relationships is beneficial across the arc of one’s professional development as a psychotherapist. To strengthen your constellation of guides, you can:

    • Reflect on your values and mentoring needs.
    • Reach out to potential guides.
    • Build a reciprocal relationship with them.

    If you’ve done all these and find yourself remembering a guide who made an impact on you in the past, this might be a good time to touch base with them again. Or perhaps consider paying it forward and becoming a mentor yourself.

    References:

    • American Psychological Association. (2012). Introduction to mentoring: A guide for mentors and mentees. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/education-career/grad/mentoring
    • Phan, J. (2021, March 10). What’s the right way to find a mentor? Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2021/03/whats-the-right-way-to-find-a-mentor
    • Johnson, W. B. (2017). Mentorship in the life and work of the private practitioner. In Handbook of Private Practice: Keys to Success for Mental Health Practitioners (2017th ed., pp. 222-234). Oxford University Press.
    Categories
    Blog

    Thoughts on Thinking

    thinking

    “I think, therefore I am!” Ever since the renowned philosopher René Descartes introduced this concept, the paradigm of the world has shifted. Our thoughts are more than just the little voice in our heads that we hear when we read or think to ourselves. Some go as far as to suggest that one can simply put our mind over matter, or that our problems are all just in our heads. While this may sound invalidating to our subjective experiences, there is a sense of truth in it, as entire modalities in psychotherapy have anchored their effectiveness in addressing our thoughts. 

    Issues brought upon by our thoughts in daily living include how irrational thoughts, automatic negative thoughts, cognitive distortions, and the like can lead to ineffective behaviors that hinder us from truly living. Fast forward to today, I would playfully argue with Mr. Descartes that, thanks to him, we now live in a world where overthinking is rampant, we spend a lot of time in our heads, and how we often try to headbutt our way through life. 

    From philosophers to psychologists, let us take a look at modern perspectives about thoughts. 

    Cognitive Triangle
    Photo credit: albanycounselingservices.com

    Fundamental to Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is the concept of the cognitive triangle. The cognitive triangle shows that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all interconnected. Changing one of these parts can affect the others. Understanding this triangle can help us recognize patterns in our thinking, manage our emotions more effectively, and make positive changes in our behavior. While we may have limited control over what happens to us, we have more power to determine our lives when we focus on our patterns of thinking (Beal, 2023). 

    PROBLEMS IN THINKING

    Delving deeper into this thought, we discover various patterns in thinking that have the potential to restrict us from fully experiencing life. These patterns, often observed and addressed by psychotherapists trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), encompass a range of cognitive distortions, such as catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, and overgeneralization to name a few. These distortions skew our perception of reality, which could lead to behaviors and emotions that are not based on reality. 

    Additionally, overthinking or rumination, characterized by repetitive thoughts, can consume our mental energy and hinder our ability to focus on the present moment. The Latin origin of the word “rumination” is “ruminatio,” derived from the Latin verb “ruminare,” which means “to chew over again” or “to ponder.” Similarly, irrational thoughts, fueled by unfounded fears or beliefs, can perpetuate negative self-talk and limit our confidence and potential for growth.

    HOW TO PRACTICE SKILLFUL THINKING

    Dialectical Thinking

    Life offers many paradoxes, and finding the middle path is the main idea when it comes to Dialectical Thinking. This mindset of seeking balance in opposing truths is central to the practice of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and can be observed when we attempt to reconcile two seemingly contradictory beliefs. One particular dialectic that has personally helped me become more compassionate toward myself and others is the idea that we are all striving to do our best while simultaneously having room for improvement. One can imagine that the pressure of wanting to be the best can leave people feeling burnt out. Dialectical thinking reminds me that it’s acceptable to have expectations and standards for ourselves while also granting ourselves the compassion we deserve. 

    When it comes to our emotions, adopting the mindset of thinking “both-and” rather than “either-or” can help create more space to allow us to experience all of our feelings. Recognizing that we can feel both happy and sad, both love and hate someone, enables us to acknowledge and process emotions that we may initially resist. It’s normal to experience mixed emotions, and sometimes even seemingly contradictory emotions about the same thing. Through dialectical thinking, we can embrace the nuances and paradoxes of life, allowing for a richer and more authentic emotional experience. 

    We are not our thoughts – Cognitive Defusion

    When it comes to our thoughts, have you ever considered who is the thinker? We now know that thoughts are very powerful and faulty at the same time, it would be helpful to build a relationship with our thoughts that allows for more freedom and choice. One of the ways we can do that is through the practice of Cognitive Defusion

    We can do this by simply rephrasing our inner chatter and adding the statement of “I am noticing” to whatever thought or emotion you might be thinking or feeling. For example, when you catch yourself thinking about the uncertainties of the future, you might normally think to yourself, “I am worried about the future”. To create more space, you can change the thought to “I am noticing that I am thinking about the future.” 

    When we develop the ability to watch our thoughts and adopt the mindset of being the thinker of our thoughts, we can create space for us to choose how to proceed mindfully. It does not make the future any more or less certain, but at least we can give ourselves more freedom to choose how to proceed. Try it out and see how this feels for you! 

    Wise Mind

    Image from DBT® Skill Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan

    Another concept that can help us be more skillful in thinking is the concept of the wise mind. We may have heard about how we can be left-brain dominant (analytical) or right-brain dominant (creative). DBT introduces the concept of a balanced approach that integrates both types of brain function. This balanced state, known as the wise mind, encompasses the rational and analytical qualities of the left brain as well as the intuitive and creative aspects of the right brain.

    In the wise mind, individuals can draw upon both analytical reasoning and intuitive insights to navigate various situations and make informed decisions. It involves tapping into a deeper level of understanding that transcends mere logic or emotion, allowing for a more holistic and integrated approach to problem-solving and life in general. 

    As we delve into the intricate web of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, we have learned from Mr. Descartes that thinking is the way to go! While our thoughts hold sway over our perception of reality, as seen in the Cognitive Triangle, it becomes evident that there are limitations to our thoughts. From cognitive distortions to overthinking, it’s important for us to identify the shortcomings of our thoughts. While certain thoughts and feelings might initially seem contradictory or opposite, learning to rest in the reconciliation of such ideas can help create more space in our minds and hearts. It can be quite easy for us to overidentify with our thoughts, which is why it’s important to remember that we are not our thoughts and that we have power over these thoughts. Lastly, it is equally crucial to honor and acknowledge the wisdom of our emotions. Striking a harmonious balance between rational thought and heartfelt intuition is key to living in the wise mind. So again, to Mr. Descartes, 

    “I think and feel, therefore I am.” 

    – Anonymous

    References:

    • Beal, D. G. (2023). Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Salem Press Encyclopedia of Health. 
    • Casabianca, S. S. (2022). Cognitive distortions: Negative thinking. PsychCentral. Retrieved from 
      https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking#list-and-examples 
    • Codington-Lacerte, C. (2023). Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Salem Press Encyclopedia. 
    • Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skill training handouts and worksheets. Guilford Press. 
    • Moglia, P. (2023). Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Salem Press Encyclopedia of Health.
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    Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

    New Year, New Me: How to (Actually) Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions!

    New Year New Me

    As the holiday season approaches, many of us will start to reflect over the past 12 months and get excited about starting a new year. The start of a new year is a time filled with hope, optimism, and an eagerness to set new goals for ourselves. For many people, New Year’s resolutions symbolize a fresh start to be a better version of ourselves. Despite this being a longstanding tradition, as much as 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail or fall through after a few weeks into the year.

    With 2025 just around the corner, understanding why some resolutions fail and what works can help you *actually* stick to your New Year’s resolutions. 

    But first, why do so many New Year’s resolutions FAIL? 

    As mentioned earlier, the New Year represents a fresh start for many people. It’s a time filled with aspirations to be better and do the thing they’ve been thinking about doing for so long. Starting fresh also means closing a chapter from our past, whether it was good or bad.

    This ‘fresh start effect’ is actually a psychological phenomena that many people use to view new beginnings as motivation towards achieving their goals. It’s very similar to how we feel more motivated when we start a new job or how we would want to turn over a new leaf when entering a new school grade as kids. 

    While the concept of a fresh start is not a bad thing (it has its benefits!), it becomes a dangerous slope when we start to distance ourselves from our past failures and think that we can only improve when we start anew. It’s important to remind ourselves that this tradition of setting New Year’s resolutions is quite arbitrary. We can make goals and change at any point in our lives, and not just on January 1st. This thought is just one of a couple of reasons why people can quickly fall short on their New Year’s resolutions. Some others include:

    1. Setting goals that are unrealistic or overly ambitious. 

    Something many people get wrong when setting goals for themselves is making them too big and unrealistic due to their eagerness to change. Making resolutions like “losing 15 kilograms in two months” or “working out everyday for a year” can set yourself up for failure. Rather than having goals that are achievable, the extensive effort needed to attain an overly ambitious goal may lead to demotivation and burnout.

    2. Being driven exclusively by extrinsic motivations

    While it’s common to have different motivations for a resolution, it’s important to realize the reasons behind these motivations. If our resolutions are driven by extrinsic or external motivations, such as societal expectations or peer pressure, rather than by a genuine desire to change for ourselves, then it’ll be more difficult to sustain the motivation as time passes.  

    3. Feeling limited by our cognitive distortions about ourselves

    Sometimes, our biggest challenges when working towards goals are our own irrational or negative thoughts. Common cognitive distortions that get in the way of goal-directed behavior are when we engage in “all-or-nothing” thinking or make “should statements”. The rigidity in these cognitions makes it difficult for us to accept human error or mistakes. For instance, if your goal is to exercise daily and you miss one day, you might feel like you’ve failed and want to abandon the goal altogether. This mindset can undermine your progress and lead to lower self-esteem.

    How to make better goals and stick to your resolutions:  

    While it may seem daunting to set resolutions and stick to them, approaching your goals with careful planning, self-awareness, and self-compassion may help you feel more supported and excited about them. As we prepare to make our New Year’s resolutions, try the following tips to help you create sustainable and attainable resolutions. 

    1. Understand your WHY

    Before setting any goal, ask yourself why you want to make this change in the first place. Aligning the goals with your own personal values and priorities in life may help you to stay committed to them. It’s also important to evaluate if you are emotionally and mentally prepared to make these changes. Studies have shown that readiness to change and self-efficacy positively predict successful outcomes. Without the emotional readiness for these goals, change can be taxing and relapse is likely. 

    2. Set specific, measurable, and actionable goals

    Vague resolutions like “lose weight” or “be happier” are hard to achieve because they lack clear direction. Instead, create specific and measurable goals that have a call to action. For example, instead of “lose weight,” you can aim to “go to yoga class once a week” or “run 10 kilometers in under an hour.” Rather than “be happy,” try reflecting on what contributes to your happiness, such as “have dinner with my parents twice a week” or “go on a date with myself once a month.” Specific goals take away from the ambiguity and make it easier to assess progress.

    3. Be realistic about your limits

    While it’s great to have grit and perseverance for growth, it’s equally important to be realistic about your time, energy, and limitations. Take into consideration your routine and other commitments, like work, school, or family and friends, and avoid spreading yourself too thin with too many goals or resolutions that are too big. 

    4. Be kind to yourself

    Know that the process will not be easy. Being kind to yourself when you stumble is crucial. Try to engage in self-awareness when you are having irrational thoughts or cognitive distortions. Instead of thinking of success and failure, adopt a more flexible approach to any setbacks that come your way.

    Self-compassion involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to take a break and recalibrate yourself. Practicing self-compassion exercises can help reduce feelings of guilt or inadequacy, which in turn fosters resilience and encourages you to get back on track.

    5. Check-in on yourself and reflect on the process

    Regularly checking-in with yourself by incorporating mindfulness practices can help you stay attuned to your goals and aware of your own thoughts and feelings towards them. Mindfulness also encourages you to be patient with yourself and your journey. Reflect on the process and how far you’ve come with reflective questions like, “How do I feel about my progress so far and where I’m at right now?” and “What can I do to improve?” 

    6. Involve your support system

    Having a support system can be a powerful tool when working toward your goals. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to hold you accountable and offer encouragement can make a significant difference. You might even consider having a “goal partner” who is working toward a similar resolution, providing mutual support and accountability.

    What happens when things don’t go according to plan? 

    Despite your best efforts, things may not always go according to plan. Practicing radical acceptance, a distress tolerance skill, will be vital if this time comes. Radical acceptance involves accepting reality as it is without judgment. If you break your resolution, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you can’t change. You can always return to your goal after a setback. Moreover, remember that we can make goals and change at any point in our lives and that resolutions are not tied to the beginning of the year. Every day that we get is an opportunity for our growth. 

    Setting and sticking to New Year’s resolutions can be tricky, but with the right mindset and approach, it’s within all of us to create lasting change. By setting realistic and meaningful goals and embracing flexible thinking, self-compassion, and self-awareness, you can fulfill that New Year’s resolution and prove that the new year can still be a time of hope and excitement.

    References: