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Blog Wellbeing Practices

Dancing Through Life: Integrating Mindfulness and Movement in Daily Living

When people ask me how long I’ve been dancing, I usually start counting the years from my freshman year in high school. In reality though, I’ve been dancing and moving for as long as I can remember. Whether it was recreating dance sequences from music videos, pretending that I was a popstar, or needing to dance for field demonstrations at school, I was always moving and grooving. 

This might be why I used to be intimidated by mindfulness exercises. As someone who loves moving around, and as someone whose mind endlessly wanders, the thought of having to sit still and meditate wasn’t something that particularly excited me. I had this impression that maybe mindfulness just wasn’t my thing, and that I would have to find other ways to work on my mental health. But the more that I started to grow and evolve in dance, and the more that I actually understood mindfulness, the more that I discovered that the two aren’t actually very different. In fact, all this time, I was unknowingly developing mindfulness through dance.

Let me share how I developed the attitudes of mindfulness through dance: 

A form of dance that I’ve come to love is freestyle – basically a form of improvisation. No choreographed routine, no planning ahead, just pure reliance on how your body naturally moves to the music. Admittedly, having to do freestyles used to make me self-conscious. In the beginning, it was something that seemed so intimidating to me. Over time though, I opened myself up, and it eventually became one of my favorite things to do. I found freedom and expression in not questioning or judging the choices my body was making, ultimately allowing myself to fully immerse in the moment.

Typically, we’re taught to stay on beat by using counts of 8. And while this method isn’t necessarily incorrect, it can be harder to apply to more intermediate and advanced choreographies. Even so, dancers can also sometimes get lost in their concentration and count intuitively, rather than actually listening and paying to the music. There’s a term that’s used, “dancing in the pocket” which basically means dancing in reaction to the music, rather than anticipating it. As I tried to get better and better at dancing in the pocket, I made intentional efforts to not rely on just counting in my head, but to actually listen to the music. It challenged me to become more patient and really exercise control over my mind and body.

For almost 15 years now, without fail, every dance team I’ve joined starts every new training cycle with going back to very similar basic foundational drills. Whether the rookie or the senior, we all go back to the same drills. By doing these drills over and over again, and by embodying a beginner’s mindset, I’ve been able to develop a strong foundation that has allowed me to be stronger and more versatile. By adapting a beginner’s mindset, I also learned to appreciate every learning opportunity, and not take for granted all the small steps of hard work that I put in. Most importantly though, keeping a beginners’ mind keeping me curious, and keeps me excited to learn and grow.

One of the things that I’m most thankful for is that in all the years that I’ve been dancing is that I’ve never encountered a major injury that required me to be sidelined for an extended period of time. Sure, I might have sprained my ankle, strained a couple muscles, and I might have also dislocated my elbow once (although that wasn’t actually from dance!), but for the most part, I’ve been able to take care of my body. One of the biggest reasons why I’ve been able to do this is because I’ve learned how to listen and trust my body. I know when to push my body, and when to give it rest. And whenever I’m nervous, I’ve also learned to trust my body, and trust the training I’ve put in to prepare my body as best as I can.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m not competitive and that I never had dance ambitions. However, I was also lucky to have coaches and mentors who, more than winning, instilled the importance of enjoying the moment, and simply putting the best version of yourself on stage. Although we could be extremely competitive during training, come actual competition day, all of that would be thrown out the window. Nothing else mattered than pouring our hearts out and enjoying the moment. Ironically, non-striving has helped me stay in the competitive scene longer. I’ve actually been able to maintain a healthy and sustainable relationship with the demands of competing because my focus is centered around the process, and not the outcomes. 

I used to think that dance was universal. And by this, I thought that dance could mold the body to move in very specific ways. Over the years, a frustration I frequently encountered was: “why don’t I look like them?” I realized though, that as much as there are ways our bodies can move similarly, ultimately, every body works and moves differently. Our individual and unique movement is a power and a strength, and not a limitation. I came to discover that it’s not about exactly copying other people’s movements, but it’s about recognizing your own body, and understanding your own movement. By embracing and accepting your body and how it moves, it gets easier to actually understand how you can grow and improve.

To this day, and even after years of experience, I’m still hit with waves of panic and anxiety before stepping on stage. And even in the simpler things like running choreography at the end of class, I will still feel moments of nervousness and uncertainty. But once your cue and the music starts, once you actually start moving, nothing else matters. You find yourself letting go and submitting to the music. And at the end of a stressful day or a stressful week, there’s no better feeling than having a few precious moments of just letting go of your inhibitions, and releasing all that stress. 

Over the past couple years, more and more dance studios have popped up across Metro Manila. There’s also been a lot more beginner classes of various styles. It’s been really fulfilling seeing dance become more accessible and approachable. And I guess this shouldn’t be a surprise since dance has always been a great form of exercise not only for our physical health but also our mental wellbeing. Not only this, but dance helps provide safe spaces and builds connection and communities. So if you’re curious, or even maybe just looking for a new activity to explore, I highly encourage exploring dancing through life!

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Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Embracing Self-Love During Challenging Times

During these past months, endless and unexpected challenges have been coming my way which have been leaving me feeling drained and helpless. As a result, I have been finding myself experiencing difficult times in reaching the different goals I have for myself. Through these feelings of heaviness and sadness that comes with it, I started to ask myself more often – “Why has it been so hard for myself to fully enjoy, be present, and show more love and compassion to others and to my different encounters in life?”

After much reflection, I’ve realized that the multiple hats that I’ve been having to wear have led to my personal or internal cup reaching its empty state. Feelings of overwhelm and helplessness have been consuming me due to not only my many hats of work tasks as a preschool teacher, fulfilling my numerous tasks as a Masters student, and adjusting to my long list of chores or tasks since I’ve recently shifted to a more independent living setup, but more importantly, through using my free time to empty my cup even more by engaging in unproductive thoughts, decisions, and encounters for myself.  As a result, I’d find myself beginning my days with an even more drained state. With this, I started to ask myself another question of – “Why do I keep on feeling drained and helpless?”

Coincidentally, I’ve stumbled upon a simple saying online that goes, “You can’t pour from an empty”. After reading this saying, I immediately found myself resonating with it and the saying slowly opened my mind and heart to a more hopeful and promising path to embark on to finally recharge my cup for each day as I tread this challenging season of my life. This current path that I’ve discovered and am excited to tread on consists of embracing self-love more fully and intentionally. As I am currently walking on the earlier parts of this path of embracing self-love, I am glad to share that I have slowly been experiencing more personal improvements in dealing with my multiple hats this season of my life. 

To hopefully inspire or also open more minds and hearts of people who are going through similar experiences in their journeys in life, here are 7 stepping stones that I’d love to share with all of you since they have not only helped me embrace self-love but have also been filling up my cup even more each day – 

Seven stepping stones to fully embracing self-love:

As the saying goes, “You can’t practice self- love properly if you are constantly giving to others and running on an empty cup.”, I am slowly learning to say no to the things that may eventually drain my cup at the end of the day, or any part of the day. Examples of this may look like saying no to an outing with friends after a day of heavy work tasks and class requirements. Easier said than done for me because I’d also find myself wanting to please others (as guilty of being a people pleaser) instead of disappointing them by saying no. However, I’ve learned that we can’t always control other people’s thoughts about us, and what we can only control are our own thoughts, and we should focus more on our own well-being, especially if we are already in a “low-battery” state. And again, how will we even be able to fully attune to others as we are at a current state where we can’t anymore attune to our own selves. Or again, as the saying goes, “How can you pour from an empty cup.” So in setting these healthy boundaries for myself, I have recently learned the impact of choosing ourselves AND sitting with the discomfort that may come with it afterwards, and surprisingly I’ve learned how it was all worth it as I am able to fully attend to myself more, to other people’s needs or to give them a more compassionate and genuine space to be in, and to also attend to my many tasks more fully and effectively. 

This second stone for me looks like engaging in different encounters that simply leads me back to my senses such as journaling, taking nature walks, and engaging in different breathing exercises. I have noticed how impactful these different practices of mindfulness have been for me in slowly choosing myself and embracing self- love, too. A helpful tip that I’d like to share is to include these different mindfulness experiences in your daily routines as often as possible. But also remember that each is to their own, as it truly depends on each one of you to find your own way of including these mindfulness practices in your own routines as often as possible. And find which way works best for you. 

In relation to mindfulness, I’ve realized how a simple task of completing my chores such as mopping the floor of my condominium can help me process my thoughts and personal obstacles more intentionally and effectively. A recent physical exercise I’ve also been trying out is taking a 30- or 15-minute walk around my neighborhood after my work to help me calm myself down after a long day of work and class in order to help me better prepare myself to plan more effectively and recharge for the next day. Doing this more often has helped me balance the many tasks on my plate more effectively as I am able to become more fully aware and give more attention to all the concerns and the different hats I play in a day. Another helpful tip would be to write all these new mental insights gained after a successful physical exercise or task on a paper or notebook so that you are hopefully able to become more proactive on these plans for your succeeding days. 

Growing up as a perfectionist, I would find myself being hard on myself after experiencing regrets or “should have” moments in my day. As a result, I would find myself draining my energy in negative thoughts. As a result of this, I’m slowly learning to choose to let go of my tendencies and thoughts of perfectionism to allow myself to slowly accept what has happened, move on from it, and look forward to new insights gained from the experience. Letting go of my perfectionism tendencies have positively impacted my mental health as it has slowly allowed me to become more patient and understanding of myself and others, too.

After choosing to let go of my perfectionism tendencies, I have also learned the importance of consciously choosing positive self-talk, such as telling myself, “It’s okay to feel disappointed. These things happen…What can we do better next time?”, has been helping me feel heard, validated, and motivated to slowly move forward and learn from my experiences during the different and unexpected hurdles I would face each day.

As we are all faced with unexpected challenges each day, I’ve learned how helpful it has been for me to always go back to my “whys” or my passions in life that have been giving me purpose and strength to keep on moving forward. Going back to my interests, passions, or our sources of strengths has been a big help for me in effectively navigating my thoughts and actions in my daily encounters. 

The seventh stepping stone is seeking help. It truly is a big help on our part to constantly remind ourselves that we can only take so much and that it is okay to ask or reach out for help, no matter what they are and in what way these acts of seeking help may be. These ways of seeking help may look like reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and opening up to them about our troubles. Or this may also look like seeking professional help to better help ourselves find more effective ways to navigate the different parts and experiences we experience each day. I’d like to end this seventh stepping stone with a saying from my current favorite book,

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the Boy, “Help. Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give up,” the Horse replied. 

“The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy

With all these 7 stepping stones, I hope that in a way, these may help you slowly fill up your own internal cups and energize yourselves with more self-love practices and decisions more often during the various challenges we are all experiencing each day. But also, feel free to take baby steps in trying out these 7 stepping stones, and again, choose which way works best for you in easily bringing yourselves closer to decisions and actions of embracing self-love more fully, intentionally, and regularly. 

References:

  • Beyondpress. (2024, June 28). The Power of Self-Love During Tough Times – PACIFIC MIND HEALTH. Pacific Mind Health. https://pacificmindhealth.com/the-power-of-self-love-during-tough-times/
  • Dillard-Wright, D. B., PhD. (2020, October 7). Caring for yourself can make the world a better place. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/boundless/202010/self-love-in-difficult-times


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Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

“Uy! Usap Tayo: How to Spot Healthy and Toxic Communication in Relationships”

Ever walked away from a conversation feeling lighter, heard, and understood—like the connection between you and the other person just clicked? On the flip side, have you ever left an interaction feeling drained, confused, or doubting yourself? Communication isn’t just about words; it shapes how we build (or break) trust, emotional safety, and connection.

In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships—the way we communicate determines whether bonds deepen or fray. In Filipino culture, where pamilya first is the norm, values like pakikisama (getting along with others), respect for elders, and keeping the peace often dictate how we talk to each other. But what happens when these values lead to avoidance, where the “bahala na” (a “let it be” or “whatever”) attitude or the dreaded “Basta sundin mo na lang” (Just follow) mindset seeps in? it makes communication difficult, and toxic patterns—like passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, or emotional suppression—take root.

So how do we tell if we’re engaging in healthy or toxic communication? Let’s decode it together.

Healthy relationships don’t mean zero conflicts—they mean handling disagreements in a way that strengthens the bond rather than eroding it. Think of Ethan and Joy in Hello, Love, Goodbye—they had honest conversations about personal dreams and compromise, rather than resorting to manipulation or avoidance. Healthy communication can also manifest in other ways:

1. Open & Honest Expression

In a healthy relationship, both people feel safe sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or backlash. Transparency fosters trust. One way to do this? Use “I” statements instead of accusations. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed when responsibilities aren’t discussed beforehand” is much more productive than “You never help around the house.” The first invites a conversation, while the second invites defensiveness.

2. Active Listening & Validation

Feeling heard is one of the biggest indicators of a strong relationship. This means listening without interrupting, truly trying to understand the other person’s perspective, and showing that you care. Simple phrases like “I get why that upset you” or “That makes sense” go a long way. Plus, nonverbal cues—eye contact, nodding, mirroring body language—matter just as much as words. In fact, research suggests that 60-70% of our communication is nonverbal!

3. Conflict as opportunities for Collaboration

Arguments happen, but healthy couples see them as challenges to tackle together rather than battles to win. Some strategies they use:

  • Pausing before reacting – Taking a time-out when emotions run high to prevent saying something regrettable.
  • Focusing on solutions – Discussing behaviors instead of attacking character (e.g., “Can we split chores more evenly?” instead of “You’re so lazy.”)
  • Compromising – Finding a middle ground so that both people feel valued.

4. Emotional Support & Empathy

Empathy is the glue of strong relationships. Instead of dismissing feelings (“You’re overreacting”), validating them (“That sounds tough. How can I help?”) strengthens connection. Dr. Helen Riess, a renowned psychiatrist who has dedicated her life to understanding empathy, suggests using the E.M.P.A.T.H.Y. mnemonic to boost empathic capacity: Eye Contact, Muscles of Facial Expression, Posture, Affect, Tone of Voice, Hear the Whole Person, and Your Response—to deepen emotional understanding.

5. Actions Matching Words

In healthy relationships, verbal and nonverbal communication align. If someone says, “I love you,” but their actions consistently show indifference, the words lose meaning. Little things—like reaching for a partner’s hand during an apology—can reinforce sincerity and deepen trust. And touch, when consensual, also plays a role in healthy relationships, as it triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone known to promote bonding and reduce stress hormones like cortisol.

So, what happens when things take a different turn? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, our conversations can slip into toxic patterns, gradually eroding trust and emotional safety. Recognizing these patterns help because what starts as minor miscommunication can build into long-term hurt.

It doesn’t always start with shouting or outright cruelty—it’s often subtle at first. Think about classic Filipino teleseryes where jealousy is mistaken for love, like when a character demands, “Bakit mo siya tinitingnan? Ako lang dapat!” (“Why are you looking at them? You should only look at me!”) or manipulate their partner by threatening to leave just to test their devotion. Over time, these patterns can create emotional wounds that are hard to heal. Here are some red flags to look out for:

1. Verbal Aggression & Contempt

Sarcasm, insults, and eye-rolling may seem minor, but they’re serious indicators of toxicity. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman found that contempt—things like mockery or belittling—is the strongest predictor of divorce. Why? Because it conveys superiority rather than respect.

2. Gaslighting & Manipulation

Gaslighting is when someone distorts reality to make you doubt your own perceptions. If you often hear phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “That never happened,” it might not just be a misunderstanding—it could be manipulation. Over time, this kind of behavior erodes confidence and can make a person feel like they’re losing their sense of self.

3. Stonewalling & Avoidance

Stonewalling—shutting down or withdrawing from conversations—is a common defense mechanism, but it’s also a relationship killer. While taking space to cool off is healthy, completely avoiding discussions creates an emotional void that leads to unresolved resentment.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Instead of openly addressing issues, toxic communication often involves backhanded comments, silent treatment, or subtle jabs. For example, “Nice of you to finally show up” instead of directly saying, “I was hurt when you were late.” These behaviors create tension and prevent honest dialogue.

5. Contradictory Nonverbal Cues

Mixed signals—like saying “I’m fine” while slamming doors—can be incredibly confusing. Aggressive gestures, turning away, or using a dismissive tone can speak louder than words and often indicate underlying hostility.

Having a hard time thinking about where your relationship stands? Here is a visual example that can help you determine the nature of how you communicate. Try to think about a pH Scale but for human communication.

First, let’s go way back—back to the basics of chemistry. One of the first things we learned was the pH scale, which measures how acidic or basic a substance is.

The more acidic something is, the more likely it is to burn. Strong acids can cause damage—it’s painful on the skin, stinging in the eyes.

But what does this have to do with the way we communicate?

People often talk about how conversations can be “too negative” or how we should be “more positive.” It sometimes feels like we measure communication on a scale like this:

More positive = better. But that’s not always true. If we go back to chemistry, highly basic substances can burn just as much as acids. In other words, if we only judge communication as either “positive” or “negative,” we miss the bigger picture.

But if we factor in HONESTY, the picture becomes clearer. Let’s use the following as examples:

  • Cruel lies – These are obviously harmful. Luckily, they don’t happen too often in direct conversations.
  • Toxic positivity – This one is trickier. It sounds nice, but it dismisses real struggles. Think of phrases like “Everything happens for a reason!” or “Bahala na!”  While well-meaning, these statements can make people feel unheard rather than comforted.
  • Brutal honesty – This is another extreme. It values truth but at the cost of kindness. Sometimes, people justify hurtful words by saying, “I’m just being honest.” But honesty without compassion can be just as damaging as a lie.

Both toxic positivity and brutal honesty shut down meaningful conversations before they even begin. Hence, finding the Balanced pH is key!

In chemistry, a balanced pH would fall between 6 and 8—not too acidic, not too basic. In communication, we should aim for the same balance. It can manifest in these ways:

  • Be honest, but with empathy.
  • Be positive, but without dismissing reality.
  • Listen, not just speak.

In the end, balanced communication isn’t just about being positive or negative (healthy or toxic)—it’s about being real while still being kind. And being aware of these patterns are equally important because the way we communicate doesn’t only impact our relationships—it affects our mental well-being too. Remember, healthy communication strengthens emotional resilience, reduces stress, and boosts overall life satisfaction and well being. While toxic communication triggers chronic stress responses in the brain, increasing anxiety, depression, and even symptoms similar to PTSD.

So when we prioritize healthy dialogue, we foster deeper connections, trust, and emotional security. But when toxic communication takes hold, it creates cycles of harm that can be tough to break. To be honest, it does sound daunting and possibly exhausting to constantly keep this in check.The good news? Every conversation is a chance to do better.

Even Millennials and Gen Z-ers are growing with this mindset in hand—choosing open dialogue over the old “tiisin mo na lang” (just endure it) mentality. Whether that means pausing before reacting, listening more attentively, or setting firmer boundaries, small shifts in communication can lead to massive changes in our relationships. Because in the end, the quality of our conversations is the quality of our connections.

So, what kind of conversations do you want to have?

References:

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Blog General Wellbeing Practices

The 5 Stages of Heartbreak (and how to survive them)

Heartbreak is inevitable. We try to avoid it, we fear it, but at some point, it is something we all experience. Whether it is the end of a romantic relationship, a breakup with a long-term partner, or the painful decision to file for separation/annulment/divorce, heartbreak is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience. The emotional toll can feel exhausting, leaving you wondering how you will ever move forward.

In this post, we will dive into the stages of heartbreak, based on the Kübler-Ross model of grief, and explore how to manage your emotions as you move through each phase. Whether you are in the middle of a heartbreak or reflecting on one from the past, this article will offer
insights on how to cope, heal, and ultimately grow.

The first stage of heartbreak is denial, a natural response of the brain and a common defense mechanism that helps numb the overwhelming emotions triggered by a breakup. Denial provides a temporary emotional shield, giving you more time to adjust to the situation, slowly absorb your new reality, and begin to process the inevitable changes in your life.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Trying to stay in touch with your ex as though you are still together to keep some form of normalcy
  • Forgetting that you were broken up and not sharing this news with your family and friends

Some coping strategies include:

  • Allow yourself to feel all the emotions
    • Stop running away from them and allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Sometimes it is best to let everything out.
  • Acknowledge the breakup by sharing the news
    • Sharing the news to your loved ones can serve as a starting point for moving on.
  • Avoid contacting your ex
    • Staying in contact with your ex only makes it more difficult to move on. You will constantly have them in your mind, which will slow down the healing process.

The second stage of heartbreak is anger. While denial acts as a coping
mechanism, anger functions as a mask that conceals the deeper negative emotions and pain that often accompany a breakup, such as bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It allows you to channel those intense feelings outward, creating a sense of control over the emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling hurt
  • Blaming your ex for the breakup and carrying resentment towards them
  • Hoping for the worst for your ex

Some coping strategies include:

  • Sit with your anger and channel it elsewhere
    • It is normal to feel angry in this situation. Sit on your anger even if its uncomfortable, then channel it elsewhere by exercising, listening to music, etc.
  • Avoid badmouthing your ex
    • Eliminate all negative vibes by avoiding to talk about your ex’s negative traits and attributes. This will only make it more difficult to move on. Use these conversations to focus on rebuilding yourself and navigating the changes.

The third stage of heartbreak is bargaining. During this phase, we often negotiate with ourselves, and sometimes with our ex-partners, trying to find ways to change or fix things in order to restore the relationship. It is common to find yourself caught up in “what if”, as you desperately seek alternate scenarios where things could have turned out differently. This stage serves as a defense against the deeper emotions of grief, offering a temporary escape from the sadness, confusion, and pain.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it is not uncommon to look for ways to regain control.
  • Wishing for another chance, reevaluating and negotiating relationship terms (friends with benefits, situationships, etc. ), and end up compromising your own personal values.
  • Seeking to compromise with your ex and promising change.

Some coping strategies include:

  • Always remember why you broke up
    • It is inevitable to reminisce about your relationship and
      remember the good times you had together. When you start to
      think that they should be back in your life, remember the
      reasons as to why the relationship did not work out.
  • Remember your personal values
    • Do not sacrifice the values that are important to you. You can
      build a meaningful relationship on your own terms with
      someone who shares those same values.

The fourth stage of heartbreak is depression. In this stage, you might find yourself more capable of confronting and processing your feelings. You may create your own opportunity to give yourself the space needed to deeply process the events and heal from the heartbreak. However, depression can be complex, messy, and profoundly difficult to navigate, which is why it is crucial to lean on loved ones and seek the support you need during this challenging time.

Some feelings and behaviors common in this stage are:

  • Feeling overwhelmed, heavy, and confused
  • Feeling an overwhelming sadness and experiencing crying spells
  • Isolating yourself from friends and family
  • Feeling hopeless about the future

Some coping strategies include:

  • Practice self-care
    • Take care of your mental health by practicing mindfullness,
      getting enough sleep, eating, and doing the things you love to
      do.
  • Reach out to loved ones
    • Reach out to your friends and family for their support. They
      will be integral to your healing.
  • Find something that makes you happy
    • Find something that makes you feel happy and relaxed to help
      you focus on the present moment.
  • Seek professional help if needed
    • If you feel extremely overwhelmed and lost, it is a good idea to
      talk to a professional who can help you in navigating your loss
      and processing your feelings.

The final stage of heartbreak is acceptance and healing. Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you have completely moved past the loss. Rather, it signifies that you have come to terms with the breakup and have gained a deeper understanding of what it means in your life moving forward. You begin to integrate the feelings, experiences, lessons, and memories from the relationship, ultimately acknowledging that it has reached its natural end, and you find the strength to let go and gradually move forward.

References:

  • Gupta, S. (2024, February 9). From heartbreak to healing: Navigating the 7 stages of a breakup. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/from-heartbreak-to-healing-navigating-the-7-stages-of-a-breakup-8552187
  • Holland, K. (2024, September 30). The stages of grief: How to understand your feelings.
  • Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
  • Tyrell, P., Harberger, S., Schoo, C., & Siddiqui, W. (2025). Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief.

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Blog Thrive at Work Wellbeing Practices

Embracing Mindfulness: The Cornerstone of Effective Leadership

Modern life has been defined by a steady stream of distractions that can impair productivity and cause us to lose focus on what really matters– from the never-ending alerts on our smartphones to the never-ending onslaught of emails and appointments. Keeping focused and engaged is more difficult than ever at a time when information overload and shorter attention spans are the norm. This has become more evident in the leadership domain, where promoting an innovative culture and bringing about significant change depend heavily on one’s capacity to remain focused and in the moment.

In today’s fast-paced world, there has never been a greater need for effective leadership. In the classroom, in the boardroom, or in the community, leaders must navigate difficult situations while motivating and inspiring those around them. But within the confusion and demands of life, mindfulness in leadership is a crucial quality that seems to be frequently overlooked.

The foundation of good leadership is mindfulness, which is frequently connected to spirituality and meditation.

“Mindfulness is the simple process of noticing new things about the familiar. When we notice actively, we become sensitive to perspective and change.”

Ellen Langer, Harvard professor of Psychology 

It involves accepting oneself, one’s ideas, feelings, and environment, as well as being completely present and involved in the here and now. Although mindfulness may seem like a straightforward idea, it may have a significant influence on a leader’s capacity to make wise decisions, develop deep connections, and create a healthy work environment.

Fundamentally, mindfulness enables leaders to cultivate self-awareness– which is an essential quality of successful leadership. Leaders are able to make more deliberate decisions and better control their impulses by developing an awareness of their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as opposed to responding rashly to circumstances. In addition to promoting personal development, this self-awareness helps leaders build empathy for others, which in turn promotes a cooperative and understanding culture within their teams.

Mindfulness also gives leaders the strength they need to face uncertainty and hardship. In the a turbulent and unpredictable environment, leaders frequently encounter unforeseen difficulties and setbacks. Leaders can cultivate mental toughness to maintain composure under duress, adjust to change, and endure hardship by engaging in mindfulness practices. Leaders that possess resilience not only instill confidence in their teams but also provide an example for others to follow, exemplifying the value of remaining composed and clear-headed under difficult situations.

Additionally, practicing mindfulness improves a leader’s capacity for genuine connection-making and successful communication with their staff. Leaders may cultivate trust and rapport with their team members by exhibiting real interest and empathy during encounters, if they are totally present and attentive. In the end, this genuine and open communication is able to foster a positive work atmosphere where team members feel appreciated and free to share their thoughts and viewpoints, which stimulates innovation and creativity inside the company.

Apart from enhancing social skills, mindfulness also helps leaders make strategic decisions and think strategically. Leaders who practice mental clarity and focus are able to see beyond the current difficulties and formulate long-term goals and objectives. With this strategic viewpoint, executives can make well-informed decisions that support the mission and core values of the company, resulting in long-term success and development.

Mindfulness also empowers leaders to adopt a servant leadership style that puts their team members’ growth and well-being first. Leaders may enable their people to flourish both personally and professionally by cultivating a culture of mindfulness inside their businesses. This improves employee retention and happiness while also helping businesses draw in top talent and stay competitive in the fast-paced job market of today.

Although it seems to be one of the latest buzzwords, mindfulness is not merely a fad. It has been found to be an essential part of effective leadership in the twenty-first century.

Leaders may acquire the self-awareness, resilience, communication abilities, and strategic thinking necessary to successfully traverse the complicated and constantly changing world of today by practicing mindfulness. Leaders who practice mindfulness are better equipped to empower their staff, create genuine connections, and promote long-term success and growth in their companies. Adopting mindfulness is advantageous for leaders as individuals as well as crucial for developing a culture of good and influential leadership that encourages and facilitates others in realizing their own potential. 

References:

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Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

New Year, New Me: How to (Actually) Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions!

As the holiday season approaches, many of us will start to reflect over the past 12 months and get excited about starting a new year. The start of a new year is a time filled with hope, optimism, and an eagerness to set new goals for ourselves. For many people, New Year’s resolutions symbolize a fresh start to be a better version of ourselves. Despite this being a longstanding tradition, as much as 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail or fall through after a few weeks into the year.

With 2025 just around the corner, understanding why some resolutions fail and what works can help you *actually* stick to your New Year’s resolutions. 

But first, why do so many New Year’s resolutions FAIL? 

As mentioned earlier, the New Year represents a fresh start for many people. It’s a time filled with aspirations to be better and do the thing they’ve been thinking about doing for so long. Starting fresh also means closing a chapter from our past, whether it was good or bad.

This ‘fresh start effect’ is actually a psychological phenomena that many people use to view new beginnings as motivation towards achieving their goals. It’s very similar to how we feel more motivated when we start a new job or how we would want to turn over a new leaf when entering a new school grade as kids. 

While the concept of a fresh start is not a bad thing (it has its benefits!), it becomes a dangerous slope when we start to distance ourselves from our past failures and think that we can only improve when we start anew. It’s important to remind ourselves that this tradition of setting New Year’s resolutions is quite arbitrary. We can make goals and change at any point in our lives, and not just on January 1st. This thought is just one of a couple of reasons why people can quickly fall short on their New Year’s resolutions. Some others include:

Something many people get wrong when setting goals for themselves is making them too big and unrealistic due to their eagerness to change. Making resolutions like “losing 15 kilograms in two months” or “working out everyday for a year” can set yourself up for failure. Rather than having goals that are achievable, the extensive effort needed to attain an overly ambitious goal may lead to demotivation and burnout.

While it’s common to have different motivations for a resolution, it’s important to realize the reasons behind these motivations. If our resolutions are driven by extrinsic or external motivations, such as societal expectations or peer pressure, rather than by a genuine desire to change for ourselves, then it’ll be more difficult to sustain the motivation as time passes.  

Sometimes, our biggest challenges when working towards goals are our own irrational or negative thoughts. Common cognitive distortions that get in the way of goal-directed behavior are when we engage in “all-or-nothing” thinking or make “should statements”. The rigidity in these cognitions makes it difficult for us to accept human error or mistakes. For instance, if your goal is to exercise daily and you miss one day, you might feel like you’ve failed and want to abandon the goal altogether. This mindset can undermine your progress and lead to lower self-esteem.

How to make better goals and stick to your resolutions:  

While it may seem daunting to set resolutions and stick to them, approaching your goals with careful planning, self-awareness, and self-compassion may help you feel more supported and excited about them. As we prepare to make our New Year’s resolutions, try the following tips to help you create sustainable and attainable resolutions. 

Before setting any goal, ask yourself why you want to make this change in the first place. Aligning the goals with your own personal values and priorities in life may help you to stay committed to them. It’s also important to evaluate if you are emotionally and mentally prepared to make these changes. Studies have shown that readiness to change and self-efficacy positively predict successful outcomes. Without the emotional readiness for these goals, change can be taxing and relapse is likely. 

Vague resolutions like “lose weight” or “be happier” are hard to achieve because they lack clear direction. Instead, create specific and measurable goals that have a call to action. For example, instead of “lose weight,” you can aim to “go to yoga class once a week” or “run 10 kilometers in under an hour.” Rather than “be happy,” try reflecting on what contributes to your happiness, such as “have dinner with my parents twice a week” or “go on a date with myself once a month.” Specific goals take away from the ambiguity and make it easier to assess progress.

While it’s great to have grit and perseverance for growth, it’s equally important to be realistic about your time, energy, and limitations. Take into consideration your routine and other commitments, like work, school, or family and friends, and avoid spreading yourself too thin with too many goals or resolutions that are too big. 

Know that the process will not be easy. Being kind to yourself when you stumble is crucial. Try to engage in self-awareness when you are having irrational thoughts or cognitive distortions. Instead of thinking of success and failure, adopt a more flexible approach to any setbacks that come your way.

Self-compassion involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to take a break and recalibrate yourself. Practicing self-compassion exercises can help reduce feelings of guilt or inadequacy, which in turn fosters resilience and encourages you to get back on track.

Regularly checking-in with yourself by incorporating mindfulness practices can help you stay attuned to your goals and aware of your own thoughts and feelings towards them. Mindfulness also encourages you to be patient with yourself and your journey. Reflect on the process and how far you’ve come with reflective questions like, “How do I feel about my progress so far and where I’m at right now?” and “What can I do to improve?” 

Having a support system can be a powerful tool when working toward your goals. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to hold you accountable and offer encouragement can make a significant difference. You might even consider having a “goal partner” who is working toward a similar resolution, providing mutual support and accountability.

What happens when things don’t go according to plan? 

Despite your best efforts, things may not always go according to plan. Practicing radical acceptance, a distress tolerance skill, will be vital if this time comes. Radical acceptance involves accepting reality as it is without judgment. If you break your resolution, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you can’t change. You can always return to your goal after a setback. Moreover, remember that we can make goals and change at any point in our lives and that resolutions are not tied to the beginning of the year. Every day that we get is an opportunity for our growth. 

Setting and sticking to New Year’s resolutions can be tricky, but with the right mindset and approach, it’s within all of us to create lasting change. By setting realistic and meaningful goals and embracing flexible thinking, self-compassion, and self-awareness, you can fulfill that New Year’s resolution and prove that the new year can still be a time of hope and excitement.

References:

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Blog Everyday Thriving General Wellbeing Practices

Eco-diving, Mindfulness, and the Art of Buoyancy in Daily Living

As a diver, I am captivated by the underwater world’s wonder, beauty, and diverse range of life. However, with this fascination comes the responsibility to experience the underwater realm in a way that respects and preserves its delicate ecosystems. This has led me to adopt the principles of eco-diving, mindfulness, and buoyancy, which have not only transformed my diving experiences but also profoundly impacted my daily life.

I now view everyday life as a journey filled with challenges, choices, and opportunities for growth. Amidst the hustle and bustle, I have found unexpected inspiration and guidance. The principles of eco-diving, which focus on minimizing our impact on the environment, have taught me to be more mindful of my actions and their consequences. Mindfulness, which involves being present at the moment and observing my thoughts and emotions without judgment, has helped me develop a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional regulation. The concept of buoyancy, which refers to the ability to control one’s depth and movement underwater, has taught me the importance of balance and adaptability in all aspects of life.

Here are some nuggets of wisdom I have learned along the way that I feel are worth sharing:

As I navigate the aisles of grocery stores or scroll through online shopping platforms, I am often reminded of the impact of my choices on the environment. Inspired by eco-diving, I have begun to prioritize sustainability in my purchases. Opting for reusable products over single-use plastics, choosing items with minimal packaging, and supporting eco-conscious brands have become small yet meaningful steps toward reducing my ecological footprint. While seemingly insignificant, these choices collectively contribute to a more sustainable lifestyle that aligns with my values and commitment to protecting the planet.

Amid busy schedules and never-ending to-do lists, it has become crucial to have moments of mindfulness to maintain my mental well-being. Drawing inspiration from my experiences underwater, where every breath serves as a reminder to stay present in the moment, I am trying to incorporate mindfulness practices into my daily routine. Whether it is taking a moment to fully appreciate the aroma of my morning coffee, enjoying a brief walk to appreciate the beauty of nature, or doing breathing exercises before bed, these moments of stillness help me to stay grounded in the present and provide a sense of tranquility amidst the chaos of life.

Although I do not get to go diving very often, my passion for marine conservation goes beyond just exploring the ocean’s depths. After seeing the positive impact of community-driven initiatives while eco-diving, I have actively sought opportunities to contribute to local conservation efforts. This has included participating in beach clean-ups, volunteering with environmental organizations, and promoting sustainable practices within my community as much as possible. Through these experiences, I have realized the power of collective action in preserving our planet. They have allowed me to make a more significant impact and given me a sense of connection and purpose that goes beyond myself.

In a world that can often feel chaotic and overwhelming, it has become a constant pursuit to master the art of buoyancy, both underwater and in daily life. As I adjust my buoyancy to maintain stability in the water, I have learned to navigate life’s ups and downs with resilience and adaptability. Trying to prioritize self-care, setting boundaries, and embracing imperfection have become invaluable tools to maintain balance amidst life’s challenges. While the journey towards equilibrium may be ongoing, each moment of grace and resilience serves as a reminder of the inherent strength within myself.

Despite the demands of modern life, I have made a conscious effort to reconnect with nature in meaningful ways. I take leisurely walks and pause to admire the beauty of the sky. These moments of communion with the natural world nourish my soul and replenish my spirit. The awe inspires me, and the wonder I experience underwater has helped me appreciate the intricate beauty of the world around me and the profound interconnectedness of all living beings.

As I continue to learn and navigate the complexities of consumer culture, I have become increasingly mindful of my consumption habits and their impact on the planet. Drawing from the principles of buoyancy control, which emphasize awareness of one’s surroundings, I have cultivated a more conscious approach to shopping and consumption. Whether reducing waste, opting for sustainable alternatives, or supporting local artisans and businesses, each choice reflects my commitment to being a responsible steward of the Earth’s resources.

One of the most important lessons I learned from my experiences underwater is the power of community and collaboration in bringing about positive change. Last year, I went on a solo dive trip with the Coral Reef & Rainforest Conservation Project (CRCP). I witnessed firsthand how eco-divers work together to protect vulnerable marine ecosystems. Since then, I have been actively seeking opportunities to collaborate with like-minded individuals and organizations in my community. Whether joining forces for environmental advocacy, volunteering for conservation projects, or simply sharing ideas and resources, these collaborative efforts remind me of our collective strength in shaping a more sustainable future.

The principles of eco-diving, mindfulness, and buoyancy can guide us toward a more conscious, connected, and compassionate existence in our daily lives. These timeless truths can help us navigate the complexities of modern living and find solace and inspiration. Embracing the journey with an open heart and a sense of wonder can lead us to a more fulfilling life. As a diver, I have learned valuable lessons by adopting these principles, becoming a more responsible and balanced individual who strives to positively impact the environment and the people around me.

References:

https://biologicaldiversity.org/programs/population_and_sustainability/sustainability/live_more_sustainably.html
https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2022/10/3-ways-help-consumers-make-more-sustainable-choices
https://www.greenmatch.co.uk/blog/how-to-be-more-eco-friendly
https://www.unep.org/explore-topics/resource-efficiency/what-we-do/sustainable-lifestyles
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/power-mindful-consumption-why-cultivate-restful-world-khan-bhaduri
https://coralreefandrainforestconservationproject.org/
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0969698923002783
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1877042815020200

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Blog Wellbeing Practices

Living The Way Of The Force: Fostering Mindfulness As Taught By Star Wars

Qui-Gon: “Do not center on your anxieties, Obi-Wan.
Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.”

Obi-Wan: “But Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future.”

Qui-Gon: “But not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, young Padawan.”

*** 


Spoiler warning: This article contains references from scenes in the Star Wars movie franchise. Reader discretion is advised as these references may be spoilers for those who have yet to watch the movies.

The Force has always been an enigmatic, mysterious concept in the Star Wars universe harnessed by both Jedi and Sith alike that fuels their abilities and lightsabers; and has been thought of as an “invisible energy” that ties every being in the universe together. In order for The Force to be harnessed, one must look insightfully into themselves to find a balance between the light and the dark parts within; to attune oneself into the present moment; and expand one’s awareness of thoughts, emotions, and sensations, allowing them to simply “just be” without judgment  and letting go of them when need be.

The ways in which Star Wars’ The Force has been described and harnessed by its users can often be interpreted as a fantastical analog to the present-day concept and experience of mindfulness, a way of doing things and living life that has been practiced and used in different therapies (especially those of the Cognitive-Behavioral family of therapies such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to help people live meaningful lives while acknowledging and tolerating suffering as an essential human condition, and accepting and enacting change within ourselves and with others.

It is a well-known fact that Star Wars hugely borrows a multitude of motifs and themes from different cultures and spiritualities. The nature of The Force and much of the Jedi way of life borrows their motifs from the spirituality of Zen Buddhism (“Zen”, for short)— not a religion or ideology, but a way of living and the manner by which a person thinks or does things mindfully. The Jedi Code, the code that guides the way of Jedi life and their morals, is closely inspired by The Four Noble Truths of Zen Buddhism.  These Noble Truths were taught by The Buddha himself and dissects upon the nature of suffering, how we may transcend beyond that suffering, and how we may live meaningful lives despite suffering: The First Truth, The Reality of Suffering; The Second Truth, The Cause of Suffering; The Third Truth, The End of Suffering; and the Fourth Truth, The Eightfold Path Leads to Nirvana (or simply called “enlightenment” or “awakening”,  freedom from suffering).

Zen considers suffering as a fundamental condition of humanity through The First Truth, where life is not without physical and mental suffering, and emotional stress. We simply cannot live perfect lives and run from suffering.  The Second Truth teaches us that suffering is not random at all, and comes from the attachment to desires, our moving goalposts— our should haves, would haves, and shouldn’t haves— and our pursuit of and hanging on to impermanent, fleeting pleasures. In this pursuit and effort to satisfy and hold on to our desires and material wants that are essentially impermanent, these desires and material wants are destined to be lost that would in turn, lead to our disappointment, regret and pain. We see this in the example of Anakin Skywalker, who would later become the infamous Darth Vader after he is consumed with his fears. He becomes extremely attached to Padme Amidala, and encounters a vision of her dying in the future. Consumed by the future and his fear of losing her, he seeks to become more powerful by heeding his Dark Side, allowing himself to be overridden by his emotions in an effort to prevent his fears. Out of his fear of losing who it was that he was most attached to, he stopped at nothing to attempt to prevent that from happening— even if he must upturn the galaxy and harm the innocent. 

***

Yoda: “Careful you must be when sensing the future, Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.”

Anakin: “I will not let these visions come true, Master Yoda.” 

Yoda: “Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force… [Extreme] Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.”

Anakin: “What must I do, Master Yoda?”

Yoda: “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose”

***

But if life is not without suffering, and that it is a fundamental, inevitable condition of humanity, how then, can we be freed from it? The Third Noble Truth answers this, as supported by Master Yoda’s wisdom above: by letting go. In order to alleviate the effect of suffering on our lives, we must first remember its source: attachment to impermanent desires and material wants. While it is perfectly human to desire and want, it is the tenacious chase over often-unrealistic desires and wants that we cannot fulfill as well as with the fear of losing already-attained pleasures that fills us with pain. We often mistakenly illusion ourselves that it is want and desire that holds on to us in a vice grip. We are conditioned that we must absolutely “get that job”, “own that big house”, “have a complete family”, or “make it big” in life. While these are ideal, can contribute to a meaningful life, and would be amazing to all have in our very own lives, we find that the world is never ideal. When despite our best efforts and resources we languish still chasing after these—perhaps, we can take a pause and discern with our wisdom if these goals still work for us realistically. Zen teaches us that it is we who clutch over these wants and desires— that we are indeed empowered to decide to loosen our own grip over them and ultimately let go of things that no longer work for us.  

Suffice to say, mindfully “letting go” can be easier said than done. It is not something we can do overnight. It is a habit, a process, a series of learned behaviors that we must cultivate over time and train ourselves that it all becomes easier in the long run. In the same vein, we look at when Master Yoda trains a young Luke Skywalker in Dagobah. Luke, being a new Force-user, attempts to Force-pull his crashed ship out from sinking in the swamps with little yield and readily gives up. Master Yoda admonishes him, “You must unlearn what you have learned. Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.” Thereafter, Master Yoda shows what a lifetime (in his case, over eight hundred years) of practice of The Force, a lifetime of meditation and practice of The Jedi Code cultivates this ability in incremental steps. These incremental steps of practicing mindfulness and training our minds to let go more readily, when done daily, snowballs in weeks, to months, and to years of mastery. We then see Luke in the more recent The Last Jedi movie, now a Jedi Master as was once Yoda before him, with the ability to easily muster the power of his mind and The Force exponentially more than when he was first trained in Dagobah. We often stop ourselves short on our own journeys towards changing the way we think towards wellbeing, telling ourselves punitively, “I can’t change,” or that “I’ll always be like this”. To circle back on Master Yoda’s words: “Do, or do not.” Like Luke’s journey of mastering his own mind and The Force, we must start somewhere, anywhere and decide to take the first step, keeping one foot after the other day after day in training our own minds to be more mindful.

It then becomes a question of “how” we can cultivate a habit of readily and mindfully letting go of wants and desires that no longer serve us. This is where the Fourth Noble Truth of Zen comes in: The Eightfold Path. This Eightfold Path is a fundamental teaching in Buddhism that outlines the path towards the alleviation of suffering, consisting of eight interdependent and interconnected steps that guide us toward ethical conduct, mental discipline, and wisdom, ultimately leading us to health and well-being where we strike the balance between the extremes of self-indulgence and total self-denial (hence, The Eightfold Path also dubbed “The Middle Way”).  The Middle Way resonates powerfully with the canonical, alternate version to the original Jedi code (often criticized for having been written in an extremist perspective of only validating our “Light” sides) in newer Star Wars media, that establishes harmony with the Sith Code (which has also been written as an extremist perspective of only validating our “Dark” sides). In finding this synthesis with the Sith code, the existence of emotion is valued and heeded with peace, ignorance is forgiven and equipped with knowledge, passion is tempered by serenity, we find harmony with our chaos, and death or impermanence is accepted as a part of life. Hence, the balance between Light and Dark is struck, the duality of our persons and reality itself made meaningful and nuanced. 

***

Emotion, yet peace.

Ignorance, yet knowledge.

Passion, yet serenity.

Chaos, yet harmony.

Death, yet the Force.

An alternate version of The Jedi Code from the comic, Star Wars: Kanan 7th issue

***

Among these steps in The Middle Way  or The Eightfold Path is The Right Mindfulness in cultivating this balance over our “Light” and “Dark” sides. What is mindfulness, exactly? Mindfulness has to do with the quality of awareness or the quality of presence one brings to daily living. In her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Manual, psychologist and Zen practitioner Marsha Linehan (2014) defines mindfulness as “a set of skills, a practice of intentional observing, describing, and participating in ‘what is’ nonjudgementally, without attachment in the moment, and with effectiveness”. Mindfulness as a practice is the repeated effort of directing the mind back to awareness of the present moment; a repeated effort of letting go of judgements and letting go of attachment to current thoughts, emotions, sensations, activities, events, or life situations.  To better understand mindfulness, we talk about “what” it is and “how” it is done. 

On “what” mindfulness is, it is:

  1. Observing. It is attending to events, emotions, and behaviors without necessarily trying to put a stop to them when they’re uncomfortable or painful, or trying to prolong them when they’re pleasant. It is allowing yourself to experience and tolerate with awareness, in the moment, whatever is happening, rather than leaving a situation  or trying to put an end or prolong an emotion. It also includes the ability to discern whether an event, an emotion or behavior is coming up and being able to decide to step back and let go if need be. 
  2. Describing. It is applying verbal labels to internal and external events that we’re able to exercise effective communication with others so that they may understand us, and allows us to recognize the happenings in our internal worlds— our thoughts, emotions, and sensations— so that when they’re recognized, we are then able to decide how to treat with them. 
  3. Participating. It is the ability to participate with our attention and being able to enter oneself completely into the goings-on and events of the current moment, without completely separating from them. 

On “how” mindfulness is done, we would think about how we can mindfully observe, describe, and participate:

  1. Nonjudgementally. It is quite human to judge, to evaluate things and events such as emotions or thoughts as “good” or “bad”. Instead, what mindfulness encourages us to do is to take a nonevaluative approach, wherein we drop our judgements of things and events as either falling in the binary of “worthwhile” and “worthless”; and rather see things happening as simply, outcomes or consequences of behaviors and events. Because of this shift in understanding, we learn to see that when these behaviors and events cause destructiveness and suffering upon oneself and/or others, we can uphold the space to decide on changing these behaviors or events. 
  2. One-Mindfully. This is about focusing the mind and awareness in the current moment’s activity, rather than splitting attention among several activities or between a current activity and thinking about something else in auto-pilot mode. Often, we’re distracted by thoughts and images of the past, worries about the future, relentless and punishing thoughts about our problems and our negative moods; that we forget to live in the present moment for what it is. When doing things one-mindfully, we focus our attention on one task at a time, engaging in it with alertness, awareness, and wakefulness.
  3. Effectively. Being mindful entails focusing on what works, rather than what is “right” versus “wrong”, or “fair” versus “unfair”. Being effective means allowing yourself to let go of the need to be or feel “right”. This determination to be “right” can in itself, be self-defeating, unrealistic, and sometimes harmful. However, we must strike a balance between validating our own perceptions, judgements, and decisions as “right” to an extreme, and giving in extremely such that we invalidate ourselves completely. 

An exemplary example of mindfulness being illustrated in the Star Wars franchise is when Rey meets Luke Skywalker in The Last Jedi, coming forward under his tutelage and asking him about the true nature of The Force. She has very little idea of what harnessing The Force means, and so, he invites her to meditate and experience it for what it is. During this mindfulness exercise that he invites her to do, a meditative practice, she closes her eyes and attunes her full attention to what exists around her in the present moment— things often taken for granted when our attention is stuck thinking about the past and the future. Rey, during this meditative scene, perceives the world around her, accompanied by a visual montage that shows us that we can focus our attention to even the smallest and simplest of external things and events (such as the grass, the sunlight, the sound of the waves and creatures around her), and that doing so cultivates our ability to become mindful. 

***

Luke: Sit here, legs crossed [tapping to a rock]. The force is not a power you have. It’s not about lifting rocks. It’s the energy between all things, a tension, a balance, that binds the universe together. Close your eyes. Breathe. Just breathe. Reach out with your feelings. What do you see?

Rey: The island. Life. Death and decay, that feeds new life. Warmth. Cold. Peace, and violence. 

Luke: And between it all…?

Rey: …balance. Energy. A Force.

Luke: And inside you…?

Rey: Inside me, that same force.

***

When Luke invites her to look inward, Rey finds that she can also be mindful of her internal workings, an awareness of both her Light and Dark, her hopes and fears. As she sits in meditation, she’s slowly led by her mind into her dark place. The emotions of anger and fear are ushered into her consciousness as dark imagery overwhelms her. She doesn’t resist the Darkness within her, but still acknowledges it; rather than to turn a blind eye to it and deny its existence. At times, our Dark side exists and resurfaces, simply mechanisms that have protected us in the past hard-wired overtime. Like Rey, we can see our Dark sides as what they are, see them eye-to-eye, acknowledge them and discern what it is they are telling us. In the words of Master Luke, “It offered you something you needed.” 

While The Force doesn’t exist in our galaxy, we can still learn from how The Jedi use it to guide their lives. We can use these lessons about the Force as a gateway to studying mindfulness and putting practices into action.

Ready to live The Jedi Way and practice mindfulness in your everyday life? Here are some mindfulness practices that you can do:

In the words of Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn, he reminds us, “Remember, concentrate on the moment. Feel, don’t think. Use your instincts.” He reminds a young Anakin before his podrace to be present in the current moment, to free his mind from distractions and overthinking. 

Practice

  • Choose one activity that you do daily. It could be preparing or eating a meal, drinking your favourite beverage, listening to music, taking a walk outside or doing an exercise.
  • For five minutes, use your senses— touch, taste, smell, sight, hearing— and focusing your full attention to notice the sensations around you, whether it be the temperature of your beverage, how the soles of your feet touch the ground as you walk, or the the flavor of what you’re eating. 
  • When you notice your mind wander to anything else that is not in the present moment, acknowledge the distraction briefly, and redirect your attention to the activity that you are doing and the sensations that come with it. 

Just like Jedi Masters who equip their Padawans (or students) with the practice of The Force, there are people in our lives that have helped us and made us who we are, supporting us along the way to become better and towards living a more meaningful life. For these things and people, we learn to count them as gifts that we may have taken for granted and only realize to give thanks when we pause. Remembering the people and things we are thankful for can help our minds mindfully attune to the positive things in our life.

Practice:

  • Select any blank notebook as your gratitude journal. You may also use a document on a computer, or an app on your phone. 
  • Either just after you wake or right before bed, write down the date and at least three things or people you are grateful to have in your life, and write a sentence (or two) about why they make you feel this way. Your gratitude can be for something big or small. 
  • Occasionally look back through the journal and notice how much you have been grateful for. When you can, thank the people who have played a part in what you’re grateful for!

In a moment of redemption in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Kylo Ren converses with the memory of his father, Han Solo, and voices out about his struggle to let go of his extreme anger, that which fuels his Dark Side, “I know what I have to do [to let go], but  I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” To which his memory of his father replies to him, “You do.” In the same way, when we feel extremes of emotion, we feel like we have no control over them and are gripped by them. Mindfulness enables us to acknowledge our extreme waves of emotion and allow us to ride them until they tide over, tolerating them until we return to equilibrium. 

Practice:

  • Whenever you think of an uncomfortable emotion, pause and notice it. Acknowledge what you are thinking (i.e. “I’m thinking that I’m not good enough”, “I’m having the thought that I might make a mistake.”) or what you’re feeling (i.e. “I don’t feel confident” or “I noticed I’m feeling anxious.)
  • As you notice your feelings, observe everything about it. How does your body react to it? What are the sensations you’re feeling? Perhaps you feel tension in your jaw, or your back muscles, or that you’re breathing much more quicker. Also notice how long you’re lingering on the thought or emotion. 
  • Ask yourself, “What are my feelings telling me? What is it that my body needs?” Perhaps it is to re-evaluate what we are doing, or to take a break and rest, or to advocate for ourselves and our needs.  
  • Remind yourself that feelings are temporary and will dissipate in due time, or can be likened like a wave that gets smaller as it reaches the shore. You may remind yourself, “This feeling will pass.” while stepping back and practicing techniques that help your body reach equilibrium (see: body scan and mindful breathing below).

The Jedi practice being attuned to the sensations of their body, with their body to keep them in fighting fit form in protection of the innocent. With this attention to the state of their body and cultivating a more in-touch relationship with it,  we are more able to notice the way our body reacts to certain events and emotions, and when we’ve acknowledged these, we are signaled to listen to what it is we need to care for ourselves. 

Practice: 

  • Sit down on a chair in your most relaxed position. Take deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth slowly to center yourself. You may close your eyes or open them— whatever is most comfortable for you. 
  • Starting with your left foot, scan every part of your body— each toe, each joint— with your mind. The speed at which you scan depends on how much time you have, but the slower, the better. 
  • As you scan, note any sensations you feel, without focusing on why you might feel them. You may also sense nothing more than your internal systems doing their thing. That’s okay.
  • After you’ve scanned your body from your toes to your scalp, expand your awareness to your body as a whole. Focus on your breath, and gently open your eyes if they were closed, and bring yourself back in to the present. 

As Master Luke trains Rey in harnessing The Force, he instructs her to, “Breathe. Just breathe.” While breathing is an automatic thing that our body does, we forget that it is something readily accessible to us to focus our minds on, with concentration and attention that helps us build our ability to become more mindful. Mindful breathing can help us concentrate and center ourselves in moments of emotional distraction and turmoil. Taking a moment for a few, deep, calming, oxygenating breaths can be useful before, during, and after situations that may be stressful to bring us back to balance. 

Practice:

  • Sit with your back supported in a comfortable chair and your feet on the floor. Place your hand on your stomach. Close your eyes. 
  • Breathe in through your nose in four counts, feeling your stomach instead of your chest rise.
  • For the next four counts, hold the breath in your lungs, then for the next four counts, exhale through your mouth with pursed lips. Feel your stomach deflate slowly as you exhale. 
  • As you’ve completely exhaled, count to four before taking an inhale once more.
  • Repeat at least three more cycles of this. Notice the sensation of the air going through your nose, through the back of your throat and into your lungs. Notice as well the rising and falling of your hands on your stomach, keeping your attention to the act of breathing. 
  • Should your mind start to wander, notice it wandering and acknowledge the distraction, gently bringing back your attention to your breath each time. 

Throughout the earlier movies (original and prequel trilogy) and media of the Star Wars franchise, The Force was thought to only be an ability that could only be accessed by a few gifted individuals who were taken to train under the Jedi or the Sith. In the newer movies (sequel trilogy), this is re-written. Luke teaches Rey under his tutelage in the sequel trilogy’s The Last Jedi that The Force is not a superpower, it is an energy that she can harness and has no owner; it moves freely within and among the beings of the universe. The Force belongs to every being. It is no longer about genetics (or midi-chlorian count), no longer about intelligence. It is simply anyone’s ability to notice without judgment, exactly like mindfulness. It is simply an ability that can be honed in due time when practiced. Like a muscle trained to lift in increasing incremental amounts, we, too— regardless of background, of stature, of origin— can train our own minds to become more mindful.  Luke’s messages are powerful, in the same way that we are empowered knowing our thoughts, feelings, and impulses are simply material that flows within us and do not define us.

And like every Padawan in the quest of seeking mastery of The Force under a Jedi Master; we too, can seek help to empower ourselves in strengthening our capacity for mindfulness, either through reading books or articles, watching videos or documentaries, attending workshops and seminars, and enlisting the help of a trained mental health professional to help us train ourselves to become mindful in daily practice. With commitment to making it a habit like how the Jedi practice meditation daily, and allowing ourselves to acknowledge both our Light and Dark sides, we, too, can harness The Force, the mindfulness to overcome the challenges that we face in our lives while making it meaningful. May The Force be with you! 

Sources:

  • Feichtinger, C. (2014). Space Buddhism: the adoption of Buddhist motifs in Star Wars. Contemporary Buddhism, 15(1), 28-43.
  • Friedberg, R. D., & Rozmid, E. V. (Eds.). (2022). Creative CBT with Youth: Clinical Applications Using Humor, Play, Superheroes, and Improvisation. Springer Nature.
  • Fuyu, & Fuyu. (2023, April 11). What is the Eightfold Path? | Zen-Buddhism.net. Zen Buddhism | SIMPLE WISDOM FOR HAPPY LIVING. https://www.zen-buddhism.net/what-is-the-eightfold-path/
  • Hayes, S. C., & Hofmann, S. G. (Eds.). (2018). Process-based CBT: The science and core clinical competencies of cognitive behavioral therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
  • Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training: manual. http://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BB18848503
  • Ratcliffe, A. (2020). The Jedi Mind: Secrets from the Force for Balance and Peace. Chronicle Books.
  • The Human Condition. (2021, June 11). An Introduction to Zen Buddhism. https://thehumancondition.com/an-introduction-to-zen-buddhism/
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Laugh heals! The Benefits of Laughter and Humor in Our Well-being

Filipinos are known to be witty, fun-loving, humorous, and always smiling. It is common for Filipino citizens to turn a trending social issue into memes to lighten the mood or make the problem a lot easier to take. On TV and in street bars, there are stand-up comedians entertaining people with banter and jokes, and in a family setting, there will always be that one dad or uncle who is a “jokester”. According to anthropologist  Dr. Clemente Camposano, Chancellor of UP Visayas, jokes allow people to tackle real problems “in a manner that does not create tension.” 

So what do laughter and humor have to do with our well-being? 

Positive psychologists are particularly interested in the significance of humor as a character strength and a virtue that is crucial to human flourishing (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). It makes sense that those with a good sense of humor will be in a better position to handle trying circumstances, enjoy more cohesive relationships, find humor in all kinds of experiences, and benefit from more positive mental and physical health. (Martin, 2019).

Many studies have discovered that engaging in a humor exercise is associated with a positive mood, increased life satisfaction and a pleasurable and engaged life, and positive cognitive appraisals (Edwards, 2013, Maiolino & Kuiper, 2016, Ruch, Proyer, & Weber, 2010, Samson & Antonelli, 2013). Adaptive humor is linked with increased stable positive mood and decreased stable negative mood (Cann & Collette, 2014). On the other hand, detrimental humor (such as sarcasm and self-deprecating humor) is thought to have possible drawbacks like reduced relationship quality and low self-esteem (Martin, 2019). Existing research suggests that humor may have a variety of health benefits for patients, including improved interpersonal relationships, higher pleasant emotions, increased immunity, reduced pain, and happy emotions (Gelkopf, 2011).

According to Dr. Maria Rhodora Ancheta of the Department of English and Comparative Literature, College of Arts and Letters, University of the Philippines Diliman,  “national humor” unites Filipinos and is a potent showcase of “Filipino-ness.” At times of crisis, it serves as a “social glue” that unites all Filipinos who have gone through the same experiences. This shared laughter is what builds the essential solidarity that enables everyone to understand that many people can connect to their experiences. Despite our daily struggles, traumatic experiences, and embarrassing situations, laughing and humor provide us with comfort and positivity and pave the way for how we socialize with a sense of humor.

As it lessens the weight of difficult emotions, humor fits under the category of emotion-focused coping. Pinoys utilize comedy as a coping mechanism. By focusing on the funny parts of every situation they encounter instead of the issues at hand, they avoid life’s toughest headaches. Filipinos are able to boost one another’s spirits in the midst of hardship, making stressful circumstances more cheerful and less serious.

Humor is associated with innovation and productivity. Pinoys use their creativity to make others laugh. Filipinos are also quite talented at adapting and localizing foreign memes. They establish a distinctively Pinoy meme culture by combining elements of Filipino culture into memes, which distinguishes their sense of humor from those of other ethnic groups. Filipinos enjoy a bubble of happiness that is resonated with their common norms and shared experiences in diverse situations.

Filipinos use humor to resolve disputes without raising stress. Yet, humor may also be a technique for Filipinos to communicate hatred without raising tension or to channel their unfavorable sentiments toward others without immediately leading to heated confrontations. Laughter can sometimes disguise and deter Filipinos from taking critical things seriously. We utilize comedy to communicate our identities as well as our ideas and perspectives, some of which may offend certain individuals. Filipinos have discovered a means to spread relevant ideals and viewpoints based on current national realities by using comedy.

Then, what’s the difference between humor and laughter? Humor is an attitude. The ability to view the world as something other than awful (Ellis & Adams, 1994). It’s the ability to be childlike, not take things too seriously, and wear a positive worldview lens. Laughter is an expression of the outcome of humor. 

We are left with the questions of how genuine laughter can be the best medicine and how the power of humor heals.

Here are some benefits of laughing:

There is something sacred about humor. If you can laugh at yourself, then you can forgive yourself. And if you can forgive yourself, you can forgive others.

—Bianca L. Rodriguez, LMFT

Laughter can improve relationships and your understanding of both yourself and others.

According to Scott, people laugh in order to get closer to each other. “Laughter is the social glue that makes and strengthens our links with other people.”

Remember the last time you found someone attractive because of their smile? It helps defuse conflict and adds positivity to conversations. Promotes and enhances teamwork and group bonding.

Laughing can help to reduce stress, as well as tension and anxiety. In the long run, it can boost resilience, increase joy and zest for life, and elevate mood and memory. Laughter alters your perception, enabling you to perceive situations in a more practical and non-threatening way. A light-hearted viewpoint fosters psychological distance, which can assist you in resolving conflict and preventing feelings of overwhelm. You can unwind and recharge with laughter. It lowers stress and boosts energy, allowing you to maintain focus and accomplish more.

Humor brings comfort and eases physical pain.

We know that laughter has been shown in studies to improve your pain threshold, likely due to an endorphin-mediated opiate effect. What is interesting is that this appears to be independent of your mood, meaning that it can have a positive effect even when you are down.

— Robert Bonakdar MD, FAAFP, FACN

Laughter can prevent heart disease and improve heart health. It improves sleep, boosts immunity, and lowers stress hormones. Laughter stimulates many organs, increases the amount of oxygen-rich air you breathe in, stimulates your heart, lungs, and muscles, and increases the amount of endorphins your brain releases.  Additionally, laughter can also increase blood circulation and help with muscle relaxation, which can help alleviate some of the physical symptoms of stress.

According to Dr. Lee Birk, who led a study of the interaction between the brain, behavior, and the immune system, “the anticipation of a happy laughter experience lowers levels of three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine (also known as adrenaline), and dopac.”

Tips on how to bring more laughter into our lives:

The half-smile is a relaxation technique that helps you feel calmer and accept the reality of stressful situations. Half-smiling is achieved by relaxing your face (from your brow to your jaw and chin) and raising your lips into a tiny half-smile. The act of smiling, whether real or fake, causes your body to release endorphins, which are feel-good chemicals. Furthermore, a fake smile tends to lead to a genuine one, making laughter easier to come by and, as a result, relieving stress more easily.

Spend more time around funny people. Social support is an essential component of stress management. Find a friend or group of friends with whom you can share your frustrations and challenges while also laughing about them. Even if your friends are not present, you can lift your spirits by thinking about the retelling that will take place later.

Watch or listen to stand-up comedy and or read funny books. 

Adults frequently believe that they must always act in an “age-appropriate” manner. However, if being silly and playful made you happy when you were 12, it is likely that it will make you happy now. Don’t deny yourself happiness because you feel obligated to act a certain way.

Even in the face of difficulties and hardships, Filipinos are known for having the highest levels of happiness. The Philippines ranked as the third-happiest nation in the world in Gallup’s 41st Annual Global End of Year Survey. It is noteworthy that Filipinos use their “national humor” in various contexts and for various purposes. Being able to see the situation through the optimistic lens of humor rekindles Filipinos’ hope and sense of community in overcoming whatever life throws at them. On the bright side, always finding a reason to smile in the middle of a storm adds up to the genuineness of Filipino humor.

References:

  • Ancheta, Maria Rhodora G. (2011) Halakhak: Defining the “National” in the Humor of Philippine Popular Culture. Thammasat Review, 14 (1). pp. 35-60. ISSN 0859-5747
  • Samuels, Roanne (2019) Filipinos and Their Contagious Laughter. The Power of Humor to Heal.https://kalamansijuice.com/filipinos-and-their-contagious-laughter-the-power-of-humor-to-heal/
  • Field, Barbara (2021) The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter. Reviewed by David Susman, PhD. https://www.verywellmind.com/health-benefits-of-humor-and-laughter-5101137
  • Robinson, Lawrence; Smith, Melinda;  M.A. and  Segal, Jeanne Ph.D. (2023) Laughter is the Best Medicine. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm
  • Yim, J. (2016). Therapeutic Benefits of Laughter in Mental Health: A Theoretical Review. The Tohoku Journal of Experimental Medicine, 239(3), 243–249.
  • Speer, M. E., & Delgado, M. R. (2017). Reminiscing about positive memories buffers acute stress responses. Nature Human Behaviour, 1(5), 0093.
  • Romundstad, S., Svebak, S., Holen, A., & Holmen, J. (2016). A 15-Year Follow-Up Study of Sense of Humor and Causes of Mortality: The Nord-Trøndelag Health Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, 78(3), 345–353.
  • Manninen, S., Tuominen, L., Dunbar, R. I., Karjalainen, T., Hirvonen, J., Arponen, E., Hari, R., Jääskeläinen, I. P., Sams, M., & Nummenmaa, L. (2017). Social Laughter Triggers Endogenous Opioid Release in Humans. The Journal of Neuroscience, 37(25), 6125–6131.
  • Buchowski, M. S., Majchrzak, K. M., Blomquist, K., Chen, K. Y., Byrne, D. W., & Bachorowski, J.-A. (2007). Energy expenditure of genuine laughter. International Journal of Obesity, 31(1), 131–137.
  • Sangco, Andrea. When In Manila Bob  May 11, 2006. https://www.wheninmanila.com/draft-here-are-4-reasons-why-filipino-humor-is-noteworthy/
  • Robinson, L., Smith, M., & Segal, J. (2021). Laughter is the Best Medicine. Retrieved from the Help Guide website: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm [Last updated: July 2021]
  • Mayo Clinic. Stress Management. Retrieved from the Mayo Clinic website: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-    relief/art-20044456 [Last updated: July 29, 2021]
  • Lonczak , Heather S., Smith, William. Humor in Psychology: Coping and Laughing your woes away. Retrieved from the Positive Psychology website: https://positivepsychology.com/humor-psychology/#strength [Last updated: July 08, 2020]
  • Scott, Elizabeth; Chung, Adah. How to Use Humor to Cope with Stress. Retrieved from the https://www.verywellmind.com/maintain-a-sense-of-humor-3144888 website [Last updated: June 12, 2022]
  • Lapena, Carmela. Use Pinoy ‘national humor’ to diffuse conflict, survive tough times. Retrieved the  from https://www.gmanetwork.com/news/lifestyle/content/284308/use-pinoy-national-humor-to-diffuse-conflict-survive-tough-times/story/ website. [Last updated: November 29, 2012]
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work Thrive in School Wellbeing Practices

To hear and be heard: ideas for meaningful conversations for nurturing life

The month of September is celebrated globally as Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month. To learn more about suicide and how we can support each-other, see this article. If you need to talk to someone or if you are in need of urgent help, please proceed to the nearest hospital emergency room, or proceed to the end of this article for the contact numbers of various local 24/7 crisis lines.

Stereotypes aside, as an organization providing psychological care, We Thrive’s work admittedly has a lot to do with conversations. It is something we take for granted, not always realizing that this very peculiar human capacity is one of the building blocks of human civilization (Crystal et al., 2023). Conversations are also one of the building blocks of human life: as psychologist Lucy Foulkes puts it, when conversations “allow us to learn something important about ourselves, about the other person, or about the world” (Foulkes, 2021), truly remarkable things happen. Such conversations, when they are “meaningful”, can turn even otherwise mundane chatter (what we label “small talk”) into subtle gateways for deeper interactions (Macquire, 2023). They make possible the flourishing of all those aspects of being human: sensing and holding our emotions (Lieberman et al., 2007), articulating the various aspects of the self (McLean and Morrison-Cohen, 2013), developing new behaviors and perspectives (Albright et al., 2016), relieving and easing painful experiences (Kardas, Kumar, and Epley, 2021), making sense of life as a whole (Tarbi et al., 2021), and much more. Speech of this kind has a literal healing effect, hence the well-earned stereotypical predominance of “talk therapy” methods in clinical psychological practice (Lindberg, 2023).  As social beings, as author Arthur Dobrin puts it: “With conversation, we find a place where we belong” (Dobrin, 2011).

In our ongoing observance of Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month, we want to offer some practical points for reflection for having meaningful conversations, particularly those you want to check in on and support through difficult experiences.

The look and feel of a meaningful conversation

The main feature of a meaningful conversation is the experience of being “heard” — an experience which is, without exaggeration, “one of the most basic, yet potent needs we have as social beings” (Fowler, 2022). Most of us know from personal experience how painful not being heard can be, and how influential it can affect our own ability to hear others. Not being heard can have many precipitating factors: maybe there are basic differences in communication style (Khiron Clinic, 2021); or maybe the capacities of one or both people in the conversation to hold big or uncomfortable feelings are limited (Brosch, 2015). It could be some other factor, like adverse childhood experiences (Zlate, 2020), which are not within our present control. Whatever the case, when we are not heard, some of our most fundamental needs — the needs to feel that “we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are acknowledged, and that we have something to share” (Nichols, 1995) — cannot be met.

So how do we get to meaningful conversations where we feel taken seriously, acknowledged, and feel that what we share has value? We may be tempted to offer advice right away or resort to offering affirmation.

But “problem-solving” is not the same as “hearing”, and our impulse to give instructions or shoo away difficult feelings with aspirations of pleasantness, while usually very well-intentioned, may not reflect the other person’s true needs. This is what is often meant by “toxic positivity”: when the resolution to be quote-unquote “happy” is not grounded in the present reality which might demand more emotional complexity.

So having said that, what does “hearing” actually look like? Thankfully, a few scholars have looked into this. In a series of studies, the concept of being “heard” — described by the authors succinctly as “a key variable of our time”, given our modern propensities for distractions — was operationalized according to five components (Roos, Postmes, and Koudenburg, 2021). Here, we will present how these were understood and some points for reflection to guide how we apply these to making our conversations truly meaningful. 

  1. Recognizing our “voice”. This is about “being able to express myself freely, that is, being able to say what I want to say.” In meaningful conversations, there must be that sense that, while some social filters might be appropriate in any given situation, we are able to say what we think or feel without fear of being criticized, demeaned, or thought poorly of. It is the sense that, right or wrong aside, what we say is welcomed.

Reflection: In our conversations, do we offer a sense of security that allows the other person to say what they need to say, and that we are willing and able to welcome what they say — even if they’re about something difficult and uncertain?

  1. Receiving “attention”. This is about feeling that the other person “focused their attention on what I said”. In meaningful conversations, there is a conscious effort to home in on the details, verbal or otherwise. It is the sense that what we say merits curiosity, and that there is a richness in what is being said that is worth patiently drawing out.

Reflection: In our conversations, do we offer expressions of interest that communicate to the other person that what they have to say is important, and that we really want to understand them?

  1. Receiving “empathy”. This is the perception that “the other tried to take my perspective and emotionally understand me.” In meaningful conversations, the affective contents of what we say — not just the words, but the conditions that led us to say what we say — are appreciated. It is the sense that the other person is resonating with us at a level that is deeper than the dictionary definitions of our statements, and that we are allowed to speak with more vulnerability, confident that, at the minimum, our vulnerability will be cared for.

Reflection: In our conversations, does our presence invite the other person to let their guard down, even a little, so that what they say communicates more truthfully what their hearts dictate? (At least to the extent possible, given the circumstance. Emotions are complex, after all!)

  1. Receiving “respect”. This is the feeling that the other person “valued what I said (my voice) and me as a person”. In meaningful conversations, while all human activity is prone to human errors of misunderstanding, we are taken and honored as we are. It is the sense that whatever prejudices there may be are set aside — or at least owned up to, honestly — and that the interaction is grounded in a commitment to the fact that we are human beings deserving of compassion.

Reflection: In our conversations, does our approach show the other person that we accept and honor them as they are, however and whatever they may be?

  1. Experiencing “common ground”. This is the perception that we can “understand each other’s point of view”. In meaningful conversations, there is a kind of exchange that allows both people’s perspectives to be influenced in a constructive way, allowing not just greater understanding of the nuances of these differences, but a greater appreciation of how such differences can lead to the same goals of cultivating a more meaningful life. While there may be significant divergences in the way we come to our conclusions, these conclusions are ultimately grounded on a desire for the greatest good — and that our conception of the “good” can be deepened and strengthened by one-another.

Reflection: In our conversations, do we communicate an openness to hearing the other person’s views, and an openness for our own views to be positively influenced by them?

Being able to initiate and sustain such a potent human activity is one of our best means for promoting healing for ourselves and one-another. By cultivating these five components, we can be better placed to leverage the power of conversations to cultivate human flourishing both within and beyond our difficult experiences.

For mental health support services, email us at resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com or contact us to sign-up for sessions with our mental health clinicians.

If you need to talk to someone or if you are in need of urgent help, please proceed to the nearest hospital emergency room, or call these 24/7 crisis lines:

DOH-NCMH Hotline

0917-899-USAP (8727)

0966-351-4518

0908-639-2672

(02) 7-989-USAP (8727)

1553

Hopeline PH

0917-558-HOPE (4673)

0918-873-4673 (HOPE)

(02) 8-804-HOPE (4673)

2919

In Touch Crisis Line

0917-800-1123

0922-893-8944

(02) 8-8937603

References (in order of appearance):

  1. https://wethrivewellbeing.com/world-suicide-prevention-day-responding-to-suicide-with-resilience-and-compassion/ 
  2. https://www.britannica.com/topic/language 
  3. https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-have-more-meaningful-conversations 
  4. https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/how-to-make-small-talk/ 
  5. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/talk-therapy#how-effective 
  6. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17576282/ 
  7. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15283488.2013.776498 
  8. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5344154/ 
  9. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspa0000281.pdf 
  10. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0738399121003335 
  11. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/am-i-right/201112/conversation-makes-us-human 
  12. https://thedmcclinic.ie/blog-the-importance-of-being-heard/ 
  13. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/listen-up-why-you-dont-feel-heard-in-your-relationship-0810154  
  14. https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/adverse-childhood-experiences-and-interpersonal-relationships 
  15. https://www.compassionate.center/docs/Why-listening-is-so-important.pdf 
https://psyarxiv.com/73jgn