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Blog Everyday Thriving General Restorative Practices

4 Simple Expressive Arts and Mindfulness Activities to Improve Your Well-Being

expressive arts

Growing up, I have had a love-hate relationship with arts. Back in pre-school, I remembered how my classmates and teacher laughed at my artwork during a show and tell. I no longer wanted to do art since then. I thought, maybe, art was not for me. In my teen years, I rekindled my relationship with arts. At this time, it was arts that helped me cope with my personal challenges as an adolescent. I kept a journal with poems and drawings to express the feelings I cannot express with my friends and loved ones. I also got into theater and felt a cathartic experience as I released my emotions through the characters I portray. Visual arts, poetry and theater became my best friend who listen without judgment.

My first encounter with a mindfulness practice was through Inner Dance Conscious Meditation. Inner Dance is a spiritual healing modality rooted in ancient Filipino Shamanic “Babaylan” tradition. Inner Dance infuses meditation, intuitive free flowing movement, and energy healing to connect with inner awareness of body, mind, and emotion. Through Inner Dance, I was able to connect with my body and learned to be more compassionate with myself.

With these experiences, came my desire to dive deep into learning more about the fusion of expressive arts and mindfulness. With that said, I would like to share 4 simple ways on how to use expressive arts and mindfulness to improve our well-being. But before that, let us enumerate the definitions of these two concepts.

Mindfulness is “moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness, cultivated by paying attention in a specific way, that is, in the present moment and as non-reactively, as non-judgmentally, and as openheartedly as possible.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn

Expressive arts as defined by International Expressive Arts Therapy Association® (IEATA®) as, “combination of visual arts, movement, drama, music, writing and other creative processes to foster deep personal growth and community development.”

Reading through these technical definitions, we can say that these two concepts fits well together. Why? When we think of doing any form of art expression, whether it is drawing, writing, music making or movement, our first thought or reaction might be, “Do I have the ability to make this art expression appear pleasant to other people?”. We already come up with judgement, a resistance, a reaction because we grew up in an environment where art has standard.

While expressive arts invite us to use different modalities without focus on the aesthetics; mindfulness can help us participate in expressive arts activities, by being fully present, moment to moment, non judgmentally and with openness.

Mindfulness and expressive arts have been integrated in different practices such as Focusing-Oriented Expressive Arts (FOAT) and Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT). These approaches were
discussed by the psychologist, Dr. Laury Rappaport in her book “Mindfulness and the Arts Therapies.” These approaches are widely used in different settings and population. According to Dr. Rappaport, we can trace back the roots of mindfulness and expressive arts in ancient rituals, religious and indigenous practices and these has brought community healing and transformation. The experience of doing any form of art expression gives us access to witness our inner experience and become absorbed in a state of flow. Mindfulness complements this experience by bringing self-compassion, non-judgmental, openness and being in the present moment.

Alright! Enough with the definitions! Let us now try some simple mindfulness and expressive arts activities you can do on your own at your most convenient time.

Mindful breathing with vocal toning

Do you notice that you unconsciously sigh with sound when you’re feeling exasperated or feeling a sense of relief? It’s because your body regulates itself through rhythm and sound. According to Peter Levine, making any sound stimulate the ventral vagal nerve and calm your body. Let’s try combining mindful breathing and sound making. Here are the steps:

  1. Find a place where you can’t be disturbed. It’s best that you do this gentle movements in bare foot so you can feel the ground.
  2. Stand straight, your feet slightly apart. Make sure your weight is evenly distributed on the soles of your feet.
  3. Notice the sensation of your feet touching the ground. Is the ground cold or warm? Rough or smooth? Notice the feeling of support of the ground where your feet touch.
  4. Bring gentle attention to your breathing. Notice the sensation of the air coming in and out of your nose, and the rising and falling of your chest and stomach. Also, notice the pace of your breathing. There’s nothing to change. Just notice your breathing with curiosity, gentleness, compassion and non-judgement.
  5. Follow the pace of your breathing together with gentle movements. Raise your arms as you inhale. Move your arms downwards as you exhale.
  6. Notice the sensation in your body as you repeatedly do this movement. Are there any thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up Be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate and curious towards any feeling or thought that may come.

Mindful breathing with movements

In Cathy Malchiodi’s book entitled, Trauma and Expressive Arts Therapy, she combined grounding and anchoring together with some gentle body movements to help the client focus or attention to the here and now. Let’s try some gentle movements combined with our breathing. Here are the steps:

  1. Find a place where you can’t be disturbed. It’s best that you do this gentle movements in barefoot so you can feel the ground.
  2. Stand straight, your feet slightly apart. Make sure your weight is evenly distributed on the soles of your feet.
  3. Notice the sensation of your feet touching the ground. Is the ground cold or warm? Rough or smooth? Notice the feeling of support of the ground where your feet touch.
  4. Bring gentle attention to your breathing. Notice the sensation of the air coming in and out of your nose, and the rising and falling of your chest and stomach. Also, notice the pace of your breathing. There’s nothing to change. Just notice your breathing with curiosity, gentleness, compassion and non-judgement.
  5. Follow the pace of your breathing together with gentle movements. Raise your arms as you inhale. Move your arms downwards as you exhale.
  6. Notice the sensation in your body as you repeatedly do this movement. Are there any thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up? Be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate and curious to any feeling or thought that may come.

Mindful breathing while doodling

Another way to anchor our attention to the here and now is called drawing the breath. For Cathy Malchiodi, this is a non-threatening way to combine mindfulness and self-regulation. Now, let’s try this simple mindful breathing with doodling exercise. Here are the steps:

  1. Prepare any kind of paper or writing instrument for this exercise. Find a comfortable place where you cannot be disturbed.
  2. Bring gentle attention to your breathing. Notice the sensation of the air coming in and out of your nose, and the rising and falling of your chest and stomach. Also, notice the pace of your breathing. There’s nothing to change. Just notice your breathing with curiosity, gentleness, compassion and non-judgement.
  3. Following the pace and depth of your breath, make any line stroke on your paper that represents your inhale and exhale. It could be an upstroke for every inhale or downstroke with every exhale. Explore different line strokes, there is no right or wrong way of expressing it.
  4. Notice the sensation in your body as you repeatedly doodle together with your breathing. Are there any thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up? Be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate or curious to any feeling or thought that may come.

Reflective free-flowing

Shaun McNiff has suggested the process of conscious reflection of what is happening in the present moment. In the last three activities that we did, we tried to be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate and curious to the different sensations, thoughts and feelings that arise. In this last activity, let us try to do contemplative writing by expressing our experience in a free-flowing writing. Here are some guidelines when doing reflective free flow writing exercise.

  • Just let the words flow.
  • Do not try to sensor what you write.
  • Do not mind the grammar, language, or form.
  • Feel free to write it in the language you are comfortable expressing.
  • Just continuously write until you have exhausted all the feelings or thoughts you have experienced whether it is a pleasant or unpleasant.
  • When you are done, read what you wrote and sense inside how does this experience feel inside your body.

As Pablo Picasso once said, “Art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life.” We hope that these simple mindfulness and expressive arts exercises were able to help you dust off the everyday stress you
are experiencing.

References:

  • About Us. ieata. (n.d.). Retrieved April 21, 2022, from https://www.ieata.org/
  • Art Of Healing Dr Amir Farid Isahak. (2019, July 29). Inner dance of healing qi. The Star. Retrieved April 21, 2022, from https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/viewpoints/art-of-healing/2008/06/22/inner-dance-of-healing-qi
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (2018). Meditation is not what you think. Piatkus.
  • Malchiodi, C. A. (2020). Trauma and expressive arts therapy: Brain, body, and imagination in the healing process. NY: Guilford Publications
  • Rappaport, L. (2009). Focusing-oriented art therapy: Accessing the body’s wisdom and creative intelligence. London and Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
  • Rappaport, L. (2014). Mindfulness and the arts therapies: Theory and practice. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Calm, Connect and Cultivate towards More Effective Parenting

parenting

As parents, we are fueled by what is best for our children. We want our children to
grow stable, well-adjusted and equipped with skills to survive, as well as thrive in life.

These lofty goals make parenting fulfilling and meaningful, and it is also no easy feat. There is the constant pressure to know how to provide and respond to the needs of our child at any given moment.
But let’s face it, we have moments when we wonder if what we’re doing is really what’s best for our children. We question our capacity to parent our children.

I can’t seem to pacify my child during a meltdown.

My child refuses to listen and follow what I say.

My teen doesn’t want to talk to me about anything.

I get so upset and angry with my child, it’s so frustrating.

In these situations, we usually try to manage our children’s behavior by using strong, hurtful words and punitive action.

If you don’t pack away your toys, no You Tube time this afternoon.

You’re going to get into a lot of trouble if you don’t finish your homework.

Stop acting like a baby, it’s not a big deal.

Because I said so.

We threaten, we bribe, we punish, we withdraw certain privileges in the hopes of getting our children to behave and comply. We become dismissive of our children. We take control of the situation with little
consideration or understanding what our kids might be going through.
Let’s take a moment to notice, if any of the scripts and strategies above have been effective or helpful in the long run? Most likely, no.
These may even serve to escalate the situation, to provide quick fixes until the unwanted behavior happens again, and to rupture relationships instead of our original parenting intention of long-lasting caring and raising our children well.

What can we as parents do?

What are more effective ways of dealing with children, especially during difficult and upsetting situations? What will work, what can be more helpful for parents and children to overcome tough moments

Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson’s Whole Brain (2014) approach to parenting, offers a place to start. This perspective places emphasis on understanding the way the brain works and develops. The brain
shapes who we are and what we do. It has various components and functions that need to work together for us to achieve balance and integration.

Emphasis is further placed on how the brain’s capacity for integration is significantly shaped by experience.

The experiences and responses parents provide, lay the foundation for children’s development towards stability, independence and resilience. With appropriate supports, we help our children improve decision-making and problem-solving, have better control of their body and emotions and strengthen themselves and their relationships.

Are these not some of the very things we want for our children, to find success in various aspects of life and development?

The 3 C’s towards Effective Parenting

How can this be achieved?

The 3 C’s of Calm, Connect and Cultivate can serve as a quick guide.

Developing the skill and practice to Calm, Connect and Cultivate, underscore the importance of being attuned to our child in the middle of chaos and conflict. Developing regulation and co-regulation skills
can help improve the ways we relate with our children, especially during tough situations –when your child kicks, screams, refuses to listen, refuses to respond, when your child is inconsolable.

1. CALM

We cannot calm our child when we are not calm ourselves.

It truly is easier said than done, but it can be done with practice, patience and intention! Self-regulation can become our parent superpower when we are mindful of our current feelings and reactions during stressful situations, and aware of our own thoughts and beliefs about the behavior of our children.

When we learn how to self-soothe and bring about a state of calm, we create a space to recognize that difficult behaviors are cues which tell us that children are having a tough time. Children may experience
big feelings which they may not necessarily recognize or have the skills yet to deal with more effectively. So they act up and act all sorts of out of control. If we meet their frustration with our own, the situation escalates as emotions go unchecked and unvalidated, and behaviors become more difficult to manage.

Pause and take a breath

Taking a few moments to pause, breathing in and out allows us to calm
feelings and to step back from a triggering situation and potentially intense emotions. It also models behavior that we can cultivate in children when they are going through a tough time.

Self-affirming statements

Self-soothing statements can also be effective as it builds an awareness to one’s current state. Words of affirmation such as, “My feelings are valid,” or “I can’t control how I feel, and I can control how I respond,” or “I am doing my best at this moment,” convey messages that build
self-compassion and self-kindness. It affirms the intentionality of supporting and connecting with our children. There are a myriad of statements, and it is about choosing powerful statements that calms and build toughness too.

Self-soothing activities

There are many other ways to pause and self-soothe to prepare yourself to connect with your child. These depend on what works and what is available to you. Simple activities like taking a short walk, listening to music, playing with a pet, writing or drawing in a journal are some examples.

Think before you speak

Training oneself to take pause and being mindful of the words we say builds a practice of regulating the self and controlling impulses. Take pause to think if your words are helpful and supportive of your child, or if it conveys validation and support. Thinking before speaking implies taking pause and bring the calm in to make better decisions about what and how to communicate and connect.

Practicing these regularly not only during stressful times, strengthen the mind and the body to respond to difficult situations in a more mindful way. We become less reactive when we are calm. The ability to
self-regulate builds our patience to take pause and wait for our children to be ready to engage. Being calm and staying calm then allows us to connect.

2. CONNECT

The warm and responsive interactions between parents and children especially during moments of stress and chaos and conflict, are opportunities for children to learn to understand and modulate their thoughts, feelings and behavior. When a parent feels calm, connection with their children can follow as both parent and child strive to reach states of calm. A child learns to respond instead of react when the parent models this and teaches the child regulation skills, when the child is good and ready.

A parent who takes a non-reactive, non-threatening stance allows the child to feel seen and heard, to regain a sense of control to listen and to make more thoughtful decisions of responding and behaving more effectively.

Give affection

During a meltdown, a child is so overcome with emotion and can feel threatened and unsafe with the intensity of their feelings. A warm hug, gentle stroking of the hair or a soft back rub can give children a sensory experience to ground them in the present, a space to recognize difficulties currently encountered. This allows discovery of their ability to recover. A parent’s calm supportive presence even without words sends the message that you are there for your child when he or she needs you most.

Speak in a soothing, calm voice

Speaking in a low and slow voice similarly helps soothe a child, allowing the child to feel intense negative emotions, and to sit with the discomfort as you the parent hold a space of trust and comfort.

HALT

Staying with your child (while in a Calm state) allows you to assess the function of the behavior. Some of these functions include Hunger, Anger, Loneliness and Tiredness. Decoding the particular trigger and function of behavior facilitates a more appropriate response thereby building skills and character.

Actively listen to your child

This strategy involves mirroring what a child tells you and conveying back to your child the meaning as well as the content of what was said. This gives a child the sense that his or her feelings and thoughts are valid and that you the parent recognize these.

Validate and emphatize

Statements like, “Don’t worry about it,” or “Just relax,” or “You’re just tired,” may seem harmless but they are actually dismissive and serve to invalidate and minimize the experience and feelings of the child, without us noticing it. Similarly, statements like “Just do it again,” or “Just stop crying, it’s not a big deal” gloss over the challenges that children are facing, indirectly telling them that it’s not okay to feel the way that they do in that moment.

Statements of validation and empathy that reflect what the child is feeling and going through, are empowering for a child and helps them be ready and open to engage and communicate further. When done successfully, this can open more spaces to connect and cultivate ways to teach and support children to respond to feelings and situations more mindfully.

There are many different ways of connecting with the child in times of chaos and distress, and it’s about finding which are most helpful for you as a parent, for your particular child and what response or strategy would be appropriate at the given moment.

3. CULTIVATE

The suggested strategies for calming and connecting outlined above can be helpful if it is cultivated. It is discovering and building practices to nurture and protect the parent-child relationship. Learning how to calm and connect will help ease the process of teaching children to be reflective, to learn skills and gain insight on themselves in relation to others, and to figure out how they can respond better to those around them. We cultivate practice to become more intentional in responding to our children – building nurturing relationships with them, inspired by connection and teaching with care and compassion.

It is also important to remember to cultivate practice in the everyday moments. Our lives are filled with the small day to day moments, that provide rich ground to parent our children most effectively. A gentle word, a comforting hug, and the many other ways we choose to nurture and connect with our children are opportunities to shape our relationship with them, and to equip them with skills that will help them live with kindness, intention and resilience.

References:

Rosanbalm, K. D., & Murray, D. W. (2018). Co-regulation from birth through young adulthood: A practice brief. Duke University, 1-10.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Dell Publishing Group.

Siegel, E. D., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Scribe Publications Pty Ltd.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Restorative Practices Wellbeing Practices

Is My Pet Bringing Me More Joy?

pets

I’ve always been a huge animal lover- I’ve had almost every type of pet imaginable,
from cats, dogs, hamsters, birds, and to something as exotic as an iguana. I can’t imagine my life without them and I really value what they have brought and taught me in life. Did you know that even our scientist Sigmund Freud had a favorite dog who never left his side even when doing therapy! Jofi was a chow that people were used to seeing in Freud’s office and “Freud claimed that he never needed to look at his watch during a session, as when Jofi got up and yawned it meant that the allotted hour was over. She was never late.” Essentially Freud became an animal lover himself!

Freud and Jofi in Vienna, 1931 (Photo credit: Freud Museum London)
Anna and Sigmund Freud with Wolf (Photo credit: National Purebred Dog Day)

How my pet affects my life

I had a roommate from college who was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and living with her, I saw how much she struggled getting out of bed, going to classes, eating, and trying to get herself out of the room. A year after our freshman year, her father got her a dog and his name was Hershey! Hershey was the cutest thing ever, he
was a miniature poodle who loved to socialize and to play. After my roommate adopted Hershey, I slowly saw her more outside her room hanging out with me and our other friends. How due to Hershey she was taking more walks outside, even though there are days where she struggled to go on those walks, in the end the strolls with Hershey
definitely lifted her mood after! I lived with my roommate for 4 years and I was able to see a dog like Hershey be able to support and to save my roommate’s life making her realize that life is worth living!

Research says that having the companionship of a pet really does have positive effects on our bodies. Pets are able to support humans through reducing stress, depression, anxiety, and loneliness.

“Studies have demonstrated a reduction in cortisol, a hormone associated with stress level, as well as systolic and diastolic blood pressure following interaction with a therapy animal”

Animal-Assisted Therapy as a Complementary Intervention for
Mindfulness-Based Therapies (Atherton, Dunbar Jr. & Baker)

They are beneficial to cardiovascular health because they naturally advocate exercise and play! The animal- human bond is undeniable!

“Caring for an animal can help children become more secure and active as they grow older. Pets can also provide older adults with much-needed companionship. But, maybe most importantly, a pet can provide you with true joy and unconditional love.”

The Health and Mood-Boosting Benefits of Pets (Helpguide.org)

Wouldn’t knowing this will want you to go and get a pet right away!

But definitely before you get your loving companion, please do some research first and talk with other professionals in the pet stores or animal shelters to find out which animal is best for you to adopt- but even if you are not able to adopt a pet, having some animal interaction will also help you!

I came across a study that was titled “Pets and Happiness: Examining the Association between Pet Ownership and Wellbeing.” One part of the study is that they compared the well-being of pet owners to non-pet owners through a questionnaire and found that there was not much difference in the results in terms of well-being and personality, “Pet owners were higher in satisfaction with life than non-owners, but the two groups did not differ in happiness, positive emotions, or negative emotions.” One of the factors was that individuals are considerably more elated when they initially adopt their pet, and as time passes, they gradually return to their “baseline” well-being, which is known as hedonic
adaptation. That grabbed my attention because I never thought of it that way! The article says that “It is possible that this cognitive part of well-being is more resistant to adaptation since pet owners still consider their relationship with their pet when rating their overall life satisfaction, but the pet has little effect on their actual, day-to-day experience of emotions.” I recall being ecstatic when I first adopted my puppy—of course, I am still extremely happy when I see my furry friend but I have now become accustomed to having them in my life and they have now become my new reality—a joyful norm.

This flowchart explains the phenomenon of hedonic adaptation- how we all get what we desire and after a while we go back to our “baseline level of affect.” (Photo credit: Productive Club)

I was also not expecting the results of this study to find very little difference in terms of happiness; I was expecting a significant difference—actually, I was expecting dramatic results because my dogs make me the happiest!

What can my pet and I do?

After doing some research about pets and wellbeing, it made me wonder what my dogs and I can do for each other to be able to enhance our wellbeing, especially during this pandemic where we spend most of our time at home with nothing much to do. According
to the article “Dog tales: mindful dog interactions evoke similar experiences to dog assisted mindfulness meditations” the study looked at the feasibility and effectiveness of two six-week interventions that dog owners can conduct with their pets in the safety and comfort of their own homes, with the goal of improving both parties’ well-being. “Qualitative results supported that “the owner feeling happiness/enjoyment and relaxation/calm while completing the task, as well as feeling a sense of engagement and/or focus while completing the task, and enhanced emotional/spiritual connection with their dogs.” We can really see the positive effects of the intervention on the
participants!

To answer the question of what you and your pet can do, here is a mindfulness exercise that you can try together!

  • Observe the animal that you are with, what do they look like? Look at the different parts of the animal and carefully notice every aspect of him/her
  • Listen to the sounds that it makes, does it make a sound?
  • Are you able to touch your animal? If you are able to, how does it feel?
  • If you are doing an activity together, how does your movement compare to the animal?

Sources:

Categories
General

One Treasure

“You are the One treasure, so you need to come to know who you really are.” 

-Sr. Rosario Battung, RGS,  Zen Teacher and Social Activist

In a few days, we will be pausing in observance of the culmination of the Lenten season. Although a Catholic tradition, the Holy Week holiday can provide everyone, even those not religiously affiliated, a much-needed opportunity to take a step back and gain a grounding perspective in life.

Spirituality is one of the key dimensions to holistic wellbeing, and one’s spiritual experience does not have to be tied up with organized religion.

In a broader sense, as defined in the Wheel of Wellbeing  (Sadigh & Sadigh, 2008),  spirituality can be understood as “a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and a source greater than the material world.  It means discovering the essence of our being and our deepest values by which we live by. It is the quest for finding the meaning of life and our life purpose.”  Living with a deeper why is vital to our resilience. It gives us the courage, clarity, and determination to withstand the turbulent forces of change and adversity which will always be part of human life. 

As we enter this period of sacred pause and reflection, allow me to share a deeply inspiring teaching from my Zen teacher, Sr. Rosario Battung. Sr. Rosario (Chayong as she was fondly called) lived an extraordinary life as a Catholic nun, a Zen practitioner for over four decades, and a social activist whose life became the inspiration for the critically-acclaimed Filipino film Sister Stella L. We had a private interview a few months before she passed away as is customary for teacher and student in Zen practice. At that moment, I knew that I was receiving an exquisite and very profound teaching, which I immediately transcribed in my journal. Little did I know that these were to be her “final instructions.”  Her message has become more and more special each time I came home to it– alive and constantly reaching into my soul.  It is my honor and joy to share with you the words of Sr. Rosario. I am sure you will find that it speaks to each and every human heart.

It is essential to know the art of paying full attention to yourself because it is this Self that reaches out to others. No one benefits when you put yourself aside. Instead, you need to be your full Self. The one responding needs to be full. We’re always on-the-go helping others, but we’re not doing justice to others and to ourselves unless we’re paying full attention to ourselves. 

The bell of the present moment calls your name. Hold the horses and ask yourself, what is the main thing? Who is holding the reins of this present moment? What is at the heart of now? Face yourself and know what it is you need to be attending to.   

Make space in your life to experience your True Self. It will tell you who you really are. You are distracted by helping others and set aside your innate Self. You think something else is more important other than your True Self.    

There is one treasure hidden in one body. You are the One Treasure, so you need to come to know  who you really are. Give your full attention to that One Treasure. Celebrate it with joy, your True Self is present. 

One Treasure: An Invitation to Pause and Reflect

  1. When have I experienced myself as the One Treasure? What did these moments feel like? What conditions made it possible for me to experience myself in this way?
  2. In my everyday life, what gets in the way of experiencing the One Treasure, my full Self? What “horses” are preventing me from coming home to the present moment with my full Self?
  3. What is one commitment that I could make to honor and discover this One Treasure?
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving

COVID-19 and the Crisis of Happiness: Knowing what we are (not) responsible for

Happiness in the new normal

With COVID-19 restrictions in public life easing, there is an excitement for a return to “happiness.” The desire surely comes from intense feelings. Many of us struggled to meet our daily needs, endured prolonged states of helplessness, faced sickness or death every other week, and confronted deep-seated hurts and longings which we only managed to avoid through the daily routines the pandemic stole away. And yet somehow, according to the latest World Happiness Report, the Philippines ranked 60 out of 146 countries in levels of happiness in terms of overall life evaluation.1 How is this so? And what can this experience of a global health crisis offer in our ongoing struggles to recreate and reimagine happiness?

Drawing from our clinical work, this article will briefly look at discerning the factors we can exercise responsibility over, and what questions we can ask ourselves to exercise “psychological flexibility” in response to these feelings of accountability and helplessness.

Not every variable affecting happiness is our responsibility. While this fact does not imply a disregard of personal liability, a fuller experience of happiness requires that this sense of responsibility be exercised with restraint. This can be done through the practice of “psychological flexibility”, and we offer two basic questions to start. First, are you actually responsible for the things you hold yourself responsible for? And second, can you be kinder to yourself for what you are actually responsible for?

Not every variable affecting happiness is our responsibility.

Consider three of the six general predictors used by the World Happiness Report: “social support”, “perception of corruption”, and “Gross Domestic Product (GDP) per capita”. 2What you notice almost immediately is that these factors affecting happiness have little to do with individual willpower. For example, a person’s ability to access social support can be affected by cultural environments that create “social handicaps” (i.e. anything from a person’s physical and psychiatric disabilities to their membership in a stigmatized group which communities consciously or implicitly act upon in ways which impair a person’s ability to access goods, services, or privileges).3 Similarly, how rampant corruption is or how high the average household income might be is grounded in systemic issues of policy and governance rather than simple personal will. Other predictors alluding to personal decisions, such as “generosity”, “healthy life expectancy”, and “freedom to make life choices”, are influenced by things outside the conscientious exercise of personal agency. Our decision to donate to a cause might be affected by something as arbitrary as gender norms or whether you are told someone else gave a donation.4 You may be predisposed to chronic illnesses regardless of how hard you try to stay healthy.5 The choices we are “free” can hardly be called “free”, such as when systemic discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity creates barriers to “choosing” to seek out healthcare services.6 There are other examples, but the fact that these were the variables used by a major global study tells us something about to what extent we can claim responsibility for the happiness we feel at any given time.

None of this implies a disregard of personal liability, and it is still true that we must exercise accountability for our choices. Accountability to legitimate social expectations (e.g. others expecting you not to steal from them) and to personal principles (e.g. valuing honesty) is critical not only to a functioning society but to living authentically. Having a sense of responsibility over our lives means we can exert influence over our lives, and by extension flourish in ways that are authentically ours – a capacity that is essential to happiness.7 But not everything is your responsibility. Contracting the COVID-19 virus can happen no matter how cautious you are. Being stuck in homes that hurt you because of quarantine restrictions, and the lack of feasible alternatives, is often more about circumstances outside your control. Sticking to a job that is making you sick is still less risky than seeking a new job elsewhere, especially when even short-term joblessness puts you and your dependents at so much risk. Happiness requires that this sensibility be exercised with restraint – and this, at least, we can always do.

Psychological flexibility is a key variable to happiness.

What does “exercising restraint” look like? This starts with discerning what is and isn’t within our control.

It means identifying what we can reasonably be accountable for, a part of a lifelong effort of balancing between our desire to live authentically and the reality of living in contexts of less-than-ideal choices.

This balance is achieved, among other things, by what is called “psychological flexibility”. In the most basic sense, this means “the ability to adapt in response to changes in external or internal circumstances”.8 It has been rightly called “a fundamental aspect of health” and involves a process where a person “adapts to fluctuating situational demands … reconfigures mental resources … shifts perspective … [and] balances competing desires, needs, and life domains.”9 Here, this means allowing for more nuance in understanding and implementing our sense of responsibility in situations fraught with ambiguity. We can start with two questions.

1. Are you actually responsible for the things you hold yourself accountable?

We have all had to face disturbing situations. To use a personal experience, it may have been losing a loved one to COVID-19. You may believe you did not get them the care they needed in time, or could not get them care at all because you had no means to do so. True, what they received may have been too little or too late. But to indulge in self-blame is problematic in at least three ways. First, it assumes that their wellbeing was your sole responsibility. Contributing to another’s wellbeing is not the same as taking ownership of their wellbeing. Second, it assumes that the failure is your own. As a public health issue, this cannot be stressed enough: our social institutions are governed along the system of the nation-state, and things such as providing comprehensive healthcare is the obligation of the state and not of any one person. Third, the blame assumes that you should have been better prepared. Speaking again from personal experience, there is no way to adequately prepare for something like this, not financially (given the country’s serious problems with labor and privatized healthcare) and certainly not emotionally. It is true they didn’t receive the care they needed. But it is equally true that it wasn’t entirely yours to give.

The blame can be subtler. You may blame yourself for failing in a career task, or some personal goal. Maybe you were unable to maintain important bonds, like a romantic partner. Anyway, the underlying assumptions are the same. You may be taking ownership for something that isn’t yours alone. Relationships, for example, evidently involve more than one person, and responsibility is shared as such. You may believe that the failure of the situation was entirely on you. Within businesses and organizations, there is actually only so much an individual can rightfully be held responsible for: an individual’s failure to complete can also be an organization’s failure to consider what a task really entails under these extraordinary circumstances. Or you may believe that you could have prepared more. While that might be true, remember that hindsight is 20-20, and also that the psychological strain of a global crisis has had a real effect on the decisions we made.10

2. Can you be kinder to yourself for not succeeding in what you were responsible for?

Strange as it sounds, it is easier to blame ourselves. Personal failure assumes the possibility of its opposite: personal success. If only the circumstances were different! There is some pleasure in considering alternative outcomes where you come out with a strong finish. But that pleasure is not the same as happiness. The circumstances were as they were; it can never be anything other than what it was. More fundamentally, it is difficult to accept that such a “success”, however we envisioned it, was not possible given what you had and what you knew at the time. Not finishing strong, and barely making it, may have been the only logical outcome. It may have even been the best outcome, as even bigger failures may have been more likely than even smaller successes. This is not a fun thing to realize.

Responding to a clear personal failure – the kind which not only cuts deep and could not have been anything else – is no small pleasure. But taking a position of kindness in response to these failures, called “self-compassion”, is fundamental to happiness.

So consider: can you be kinder to yourself for not living up to your expectations? Can you be kinder to yourself for not succeeding in what you were responsible for?

As we enter a phase which foresees an “end” to the pandemic’s sudden and major upheavals, it is important to exercise as much of this flexibility as possible, so we might carry with us a sense of our capacities unburdened by a sense of responsibility that is kinder and more understanding.

Sources:

  1. See Table 2.1 in Helliwell, J.H., Layard, R., Sachs, J.D., De Neve, J., Aknin, L.B., and Wang, S. (2022). World Happiness Report 2022. Sustainable Development Solutions Network. Retrieved from: https://worldhappiness.report/.
  2. Ibid
  3. Koukouli, S., Vlachonikolis, I. and Philalithis, A. (2002). Socio-demographic factors and self-reported funtional status: the significance of social support. In BMC Health Services Research, 2(20). DOI: 10.1186/1472-6963-2-20.
  4. Allen, S. (2018). The Science of Generosity. Great Good Science Center, UC Berkeley. Retrieved from:  https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Generosity-FINAL.pdf.
  5. Wehby, G.L., Domingue, B.W., and Wolinsky, F.D. (2018). Genetic Risks for Chronic Conditions: Implications for Long-term Wellbeing. In Journals of Gerontology Series A: Biological Sciences and Medical Sciences, 73(4), 477-483. DOI: 10.1093/gerona/glx154.
  6.  See Subsection on “Barriers to Accessing Healthcare” in Chapter 2 of Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Health Issues and Research Gaps and Opportunities (2011). The Health of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender People: Building a Foundation for Better Understanding. DOI: 10.17226/13128. Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64806. 
  7.  Koydemir, S., Şimşek, Ö.F., Kuzgun, T.B., and Schütz, A. (2020). Feeling special, feeling happy: Authenticity mediates the relationship between sense of uniqueness and happiness. In Current Psychology, 39, 1589–1599. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-018-9865-z.
  8. Stange, J. P., Alloy, L. B., & Fresco, D. M. (2017). Inflexibility as a Vulnerability to Depression: A Systematic Qualitative Review. In Clinical psychology: a publication of the Division of Clinical Psychology of the American Psychological Association, 24(3), 245–276. DOI: 10.1111/cpsp.12201.
  9.  Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. In Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. DOI: 10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001.
  10. Tarantino, V., Tasca, I., Giannetto, N., Mangano, G.R., Turriziani, P., and Oliveri, M. (2021). Impact of Perceived Stress and Immune Status on Decision-Making Abilities during COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown. In Behavioral Sciences, 11(12), 167. DOI: 10.3390/bs11120167.
  11. Neff, K.D., Rude, S.S., and Kirkpatrick, K.L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. In Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 908-916. DOI: 10.1016/j.jrp.2006.08.002.

 

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Blog Everyday Thriving

Making Space for Me: Gifting Ourselves with a Deep Reset this Holiday Season

reset

We bade 2020 with a jubilant good-bye perhaps not realizing how 2021 would present even greater challenges and disruptions in our fight against Covid-19. Those of us who continued to work from home have struggled with blurred work-life boundaries, leading to stress and exhaustion, for some even burnout. We had to endure another year of limited face-to-face contact with our friends and co-workers, which has led to deeper feelings of isolation and loneliness. Parents working from home have to make it through the daily hurdles of managing family life along with increased work demands.  A Harvard Business Review survey among 1500 workers in 46 countries found that 85% reported a decline in their general wellbeing since the start of Covid-19. Survey respondents cited mental health decline, increased job demands, basic physical needs, home-life struggles, and isolation, and disengagement from work as some of the top contributors to this drop in wellbeing. In light of these pressing realities, self-care practice has become a daily necessity in order to facilitate stress recovery and prevent physical and mental illness.  

As the year ends and we begin to down-shift  into the holiday season, we should not lose sight of the opportunity we have to pause and provide ourselves the space and time for a deep reset. Many of us have probably become all too familiar with living on overdrive and powering through to get things done. We want to be a person that others can rely on, to be seen as competent,  and make a significant contribution to the endeavors we are a part of. However, neglecting our need for replenishment, not taking our wellbeing seriously, can work against our aspirations to grow and thrive. We can ask ourselves, do I just want to keep my motor going frantically on high speed until my tank runs empty and breaks down, or can I drive at a safe speed and allow myself moments of stopping and filling-up so that I can enjoy the ride? The choice is ours to make. And as we contemplate on  this question, we can take inspiration from beloved poet, Mary Oliver, reminding us of what it means “to go easy” on ourselves.     

When I am Among the Trees

Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”

Going easy on ourselves does not mean complacency and not taking responsibility. It means making space for Me to connect with my best self, with the goodness and light that allows us to give from the wise and compassionate center that is in each one of us. It is not only for ourselves that we need to go easy. It is also for the people we love and care about because constantly hurrying through the world makes it impossible for us to truly pay attention and be present.  

Author and meditation teacher, Larry Ward, said, “We need to design our life so we can wake-up.” Making space for Me this holiday break and beyond means making time in our life to “walk among trees”—that is, to experience the voluntary simplicity of slow and quiet moments that are so essential to the process of growing and becoming whole. We can design our life so that we can wake up from the trance of getting stuck with mindless doing. This holiday season, we can give ourselves the gift of a deep reset, fostering recovery and healing for our mind, body, and spirit so that we can step into the next year feeling renewed from the inside out.

Ways to Get Into a Deep Reset this Holiday Break

1. Unplug

Give yourself at least a few days to completely unplug from work. Stow-away your laptop, turn off notifications on your devices, and give yourself a break from incessantly checking text messages. Our habits of constant busyness and stimulation can tax our nervous systems, leading to chronic stress. Unplugging means stepping out of the stress reactivity cycle, giving ourselves room to rest and restore our energy.

2. Play

According to Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.”  Play is a very rejuvenating experience that needs to be part of our life regardless of age. Being in play mode fosters the nervous system’s relaxation response and allows us to release emotional and physical tension. Engaging in play cultivates our creativity, which includes the ability to see new perspectives or approach problems from a unique angle. We can play by making time to fully enjoy a hobby, doing something that doesn’t require “efforting”, or jumping into having fun with others and letting go of worries even for a moment. 

3. Connect

Human beings are hard-wired for connection. Experiencing positive and meaningful connection both with ourselves and others is deeply restorative. This holiday break, make time for attentive and warm conversations, plan to have ample time to be with a loved one or someone whose presence gives you joy, connect with nature by taking a quiet walk or hike in a place where you can enjoy nature views. 

4. Reflect

The practice of reflecting is a way of looking into ourselves and our experiences from a place of genuine curiosity, openness, and kindness. It’s not about picking on our mistakes or hyper-focusing on our weaknesses. Reflecting can be our way of inviting ourselves into a space of gratefulness, stopping to appreciate all the conditions of happiness that are in our life that we tend to lose sight of when we are too busy. It can also mean allowing ourselves to quiet our minds to be clearer about what truly matters to us. We can reflect by journaling, reading books or listening to podcasts that inspire and deepen our hope, and by participating in online retreats.

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Blog Everyday Thriving Restorative Practices Wellbeing Practices

Wellbeing Begins with Pausing

Pause

Many of us have been running all our lives. Practice stopping. 

Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master 

I find myself writing this article at the end of a five-day total voice rest, part of my physician’s prescription to address throat problems which have been affecting me lately. Although the prescription came along with some medication, my wise doctor cautioned, it will not work without resting. That conversation landed on me with a very mixed bag of thoughts and feelings. There was worry, “Will I be ok? Will this treatment work? How will I do this when I’m scheduled for at least a couple of months ahead?” I remember shame and self-judgment being present too, “How could I have let this happen to myself? The inner self-talk jumped in on the chatter with self-blame, “I’m a mental health professional, I should have known how to take better care of myself. I should be better at practicing what I teach.” And yet, on the other side of the worry and self-criticism, I felt relief and freedom, even joy, at the thought of an unplanned rest. This is what’s in my heart that I’ve really wanted but have not had enough courage to do without “justification.” As I let the inner whirling slow down and the sediments of my thoughts and emotions gradually settled, I started to feel a sense of gratitude that life is patiently and lovingly teaching me once again–pausing is a pre-condition for healing and wellbeing.

I love long breaks. I’ve always cherished being able to take two to three weeks off from work and getting a deep system reset. But while these have worked very well for me, I’m learning more and more that cultivating wellbeing is really about embracing the habit of pausing and slowing down in our everyday life, mindfully weaving it into the fiber of our moment-to-moment existence. Pausing and resting are not supposed to be merely an appendix to our busy and over-scheduled lives. We know from how the human nervous system functions that having the discipline to pause is necessary in sustaining a generative and meaningful life.

Without pausing, our stress levels rise, we start living on survival mode and stray away from living in our zone of resilience where we can be our wisest and most skillful self.

Ultimately, cumulative micro-pauses, can do more for our wellbeing than sporadic long breaks. The essential turning point in establishing the pause practice is being able to transform our way of seeing and understanding—that making space for being is not separate from our doing. Our actions, projects, and goals are enhanced, not threatened, by pausing. 

“Design your life so you have time to wake up.”

Dr. Larry Ward, Spiritual Teacher

Waking-up means being able to pay attention, be present, think clearly and creatively, and live from our place of deepest potential. This is opposed to being on auto-pilot mode, in which we are stuck in a habit loop of constant doing, activity, and distraction.  We can re-design our life to embrace micro-pauses and be more intentional in stopping for simple moments of rest. Stop, take a moment to review your day from the moment you awaken in the morning to the time you go to bed, what micro-pauses can you begin to incorporate throughout the day? Start with a few pause practices, particularly those that you can do consistently (you may try the ones below) and observe how it makes a difference in your life.

Ten Micro-Pauses for Everyday Life

  1. Instead of rushing out of bed in the morning, practice one minute of mindful breathing to start the day. This can be a powerful reminder that you always have a choice not to be carried away by habits of mindlessness.
  2. Pause for an intention. Before getting out of bed, ask yourself, what is one thing that can make this day truly worthwhile?
  3. Take your morning shower without running the day’s agenda through your head. Make this a moment to refresh your body and mind. 
  4. Take a few seconds to savor the taste and aroma of your first sip of coffee in the morning or simple open your senses to that first sip of water and how it nourishes your body.    
  5. Before opening your email or checking messages on your phone, stop, remind yourself that you control these devices and not the other way around. Throughout the day, practice pausing before reaching out for your phone to recognize that we don’t always have to fill our quiet moments by seeking for distraction. 
  6. Pause and stretch your body every couple of hours at work. Stretching gives your body the space to be acknowledged and relieved of tension, tightness, and pain that comes from sitting and working continuously. 
  7. Give yourself a sufficient lunch break so that you can eat mindfully, not rushing into a meeting or task. Mindful eating aids in healthy digestion and absorption of nutrients for your body and mind. 
  8. Stop to connect. Connect with yourself though a 3-center check in (What’s going on in my body? My emotions? My thoughts?). Connect with a co-worker by checking-in or talking about a non-work topic. Enjoy brief spontaneous moments of connection with family members.   
  9. Have a playful and relaxing moment. At the end of the workday, plug into a short activity that gives you joy—cook leisurely, do some artwork, play a game with your kids, take an evening walk, write on your journal, read a book. 
  10.   End the day with a moment to contemplate on gratitude. Ask yourself, what worked well for me today and why? By pausing to redirect our attention to positive events and experiences, we balance our perspective to see the wonder of our life. 

Which of these would you be willing to practice today?

Learn more about wellbeing practices through any of our webinars. Contact us today to learn more.

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Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work Wellbeing Practices

Teaming to Thrive

Teaming to Thrive

By now it has become quite evident that the only way forward is to adapt to

a new reality where there is no “normal.” We have been turbulently oscillating like particles in a snow globe, adjusting to change and disruption at every turn. This is felt by organizations and workplaces everywhere. We are facing a massive evolution and we need to pay attention to what it’s teaching us that will enable us to survive and even thrive. One of the most important learnings has been that we cannot afford to sacrifice human wellbeing, particularly in the workplace where chronic stress has been at a crisis level even prior to the pandemic (World Health Organization, 2019). The pandemic has amplified this crisis to a tipping point that can no longer be ignored. Harvard Business Review (What Covid Has Done to Our Well-being, February 2021) reports from a worldwide survey conducted in 46 countries that 85% of respondents (mostly knowledge workers) said their general wellbeing has declined since the start of the pandemic while 89% indicated a decline in their workplace wellbeing. 

Many workplaces worldwide have been realizing the value of taking action on the mental health and wellbeing needs of their employees. We can see this shifting consciousness as a positive transformation that can emerge from this crisis. However, deep change requires commitment to culture-building initiatives that foster workplace conditions where people can feel safe, supported, and inspired to grow. An important aspect of cultivating a wellbeing culture is by being intentional about teaming practices.

Being part of a caring and supportive team buffers employees from chronic stress and burnout by making people feel safe to connect, contribute, be creative, and even to be challenged.

When Google conducted Project Aristotle in 2016, a research on what makes a sustainable high performing team, they found that the most critical factor in determining team success was psychological safety (The New York Times, February 2016).

Harvard organizational scientist Amy Edmondson describes psychological safety as “a shared belief held by members of a team that the team is safe for interpersonal risk taking.”

Administrative Science Quarterly, 1999

Safety in our social environment primes our nervous system to be calm, open, and receptive to others as opposed to being defensive, rigid, and hostile. 

Team leaders and managers play an essential role in modeling and initiating skillful teaming practices. However, each team member has the opportunity to effect change toward building a safe and compassionate team culture. We cannot leave successful teaming to chance, especially in these times of remote work when so many are feeling the strain of social isolation. Having meaningful connections, feeling that you matter, and participating in shared goals can nurture our wellbeing. What is good for our wellbeing also translates into productivity with less “efforting” and struggle.  It’s about harnessing the power of human interconnection and it’s what has enabled the human race to survive and continue to thrive as a species.               

Effective teaming needs consistency and doesn’t happen overnight. But the yields far outweigh the investment. Whether your team is just taking first steps or farther along in the journey, we encourage you to try these teaming practices as a way of fortifying individual and collective wellbeing.  

1. Integrate Mindfulness to Strengthen Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation

Building psychologically safe teams requires that each member learns to take responsibility for managing their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Trust and healthy risk-taking can only flourish if we know that people around us have the ability to interact skillfully and compassionately. Mindfulness creates the space, the pause, so that we can step back and become aware of what is happening within and outside of us. By practicing mindfulness we empower ourselves to engage in a wise response instead of giving in to an urge that might hurt others and ourselves. 

  • Minute to Arrive- Give a minute of silence at the start of each meeting for everyone to take a few breaths and be fully present. This helps calm the mind and set the atmosphere for mindful communication. (Source: SIYLY Adaptive Resilience Team Practices)
  • Midpoint Check-In- A mid-point check-in introduces a pause in the middle of a meeting to reflect on how the conversation is going. It can be guided by questions such as, “How am I feeling about this?”, “Are we listening to everyone?”, “What perspective are we missing?”, “What’s getting in the way of us moving forward?” (Source: SIYLY Adaptive Resilience Team Practices)
  • Set team norms for being present by closing emails and chats, silencing phones/notifications, making eye contact and listening actively during meetings. 

2. Building Empathy 

Empathy enables us to connect with and respect the feelings and perspectives of others. Having differences and misunderstandings will always be part of our team experience. Empathy gives us the capacity to bridge these differences by understanding and validating where the other person is coming from. 

  • Appreciations and Acknowledgements- Set aside a few minutes during a meeting during which team members are invited to acknowledge or appreciate someone in the team.
  • Opening Check-In- Do a round to check-in at the beginning of each meeting by having each person share responses to prompts such as, “How are you arriving to this meeting?” “What is something that gives you hope/strength?”, “How do you need to feel supported right now?” 
  • Check Assumptions- Remote work settings can present challenges in communication because we have less information to accurately perceive each other’s tone, emotions, and intentions. When a text message or e-mail makes you feel uncomfortable or agitated, suspend judgment, and take a moment to directly connect with the person through a quick call or video chat.

3. Strengthen Team Bonds

By taking time to share moments of connection, we build the trust and belief that team members have each other’s best interests in mind. With this comes honesty and vulnerability. As ropes of connection become stronger, people gradually become more willing to lower their waterlines.  Remote work does not have to hinder teams from experiencing creative and enjoyable ways to connect online. 

  • Wellbeing Buddy- Team members can pair-up to support each other on their wellbeing aspirations by checking-in with each other on their self-care practices, sharing resources, and simply providing space for compassionate listening. Buddies can be rotated every couple of months.  
  • Hang-outs- Create spaces for team members to interact without an agenda. This can be through a 15-minute hang-out time before a meeting, a virtual group lunch, or coffee break. Hang-outs could also be a time to share hobbies and recreational interests.

4. Getting Better at Having Difficult Conversations

Effective teaming requires honesty and courage to have difficult conversations. When team members experience positive outcomes from approaching instead of avoiding difficult conversations, psychological safety is reinforced and team members become more confident in their ability to manage these situations in the future.  

  • Rehearse Difficult Conversations- Teams can proactively discuss and establish a skillful process for having difficult conversations without waiting for problems to occur. Create a mock scenario and have team members contribute to the team’s “best practices” for managing a difficult conversation. These best practices can then become the team’s ground rules for when actual situations arise.    
  • Anchor on Common Ground- Help team members work through disagreements by shifting the perspective to what they have in common, what their best intentions are, and what they both want to achieve.  

Cultivating a workplace culture that is psychologically safe is nuanced–it isn’t as simple as it sounds. There are existing workplace structures, hierarchies, personalities and other factors to consider. And it is also not an impossible goal.

Contact us to get started on cultivating psychological safety in your workplace.

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Blog Everyday Thriving

Facing Difficult Times: Practices for Thriving Amidst Uncertainty

thriving through uncertainty

“Handling our suffering is an art. If we know how to suffer, we suffer much less, and we’re no longer afraid of being overwhelmed by the suffering inside.”

Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master and Peace Activist

Recent developments in our global fight against the COVID-19 pandemic has thwarted many plans for re-opening and “returning to normal” in different parts of the world. With the Delta variant getting ahead of vaccination efforts, the sight of an end to the pandemic has become more hazy and uncertain. Lockdowns are continuing and with it our experience of prolonged social isolation, limited recreational opportunities, and heightened anxiety about our safety and security. There is no way around facing our present reality but to see it as it is. Among the Four Noble Truths taught by the Buddha, the first one is to recognize that suffering is part of life. In the same way,

resilience doesn’t come from denying or downplaying the challenges we’re confronted with.

In fact a significant factor in surviving extreme adversity, according to resilience research, is facing down reality—taking a sober, down-to-earth view of our situation (Diane L. Cuotu, How Resilience Works, Harvard Business Review, 2015). 

Cultivating resilience amidst hardship is a practice that requires intention and brave inner work, that is being willing to roll up our sleeves to sharpen our “inner game.” It would be gravely misleading to paint a picture of resilience being born out of merely “thinking positive” and keeping ourselves distracted from our unpleasant emotions. These so-called coping tools will easily break under the weight of prolonged hardship. We need to think of resilience cultivation in terms of  samurai or dojo training, seeing ourselves as warriors-in-training, strengthening our skills to meet difficulty with the power of our inner practice. These times invite us to harness our deeper human capacities, the gift of awareness that opens the door to acceptance, that opens the door to wisdom, that opens the door to skillful action, that opens the door to inner solidity and genuine resilience. We invite you to cultivate resilience through these dojo practices of radical acceptance, searching for meaning, and opening to what’s new. As we practice these skills, we learn what the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh calls the art of suffering. These practices don’t just benefit ourselves, but also enable others to experience the wholesome ripples of energy that we create when we are deeply grounded. These are times for brave work and we all have it within us to make it happen. 

PRACTICES FOR CULTIVATING RESILIENCE AMIDST UNCERTAINTY 

Radical Acceptance

Psychologist and philosopher William James once said, “The first step in overcoming any misfortune is to allow it to be.” Radical acceptance is a practice that enables us to break through the inner resistance to painful events and emotions that come our way.  It means accepting our present reality totally and completely, with our mind, heart, and body. By meeting our hardship with radical acceptance, we stop fighting reality which causes a build-up of stress and tension in our minds and bodies.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that we approve of what happened and what’s happening. It is not giving up or giving in. It is acknowledging reality so we can direct our psychological and emotional resources to move forward and effectively face our challenges.   

We can pause and spend some time asking ourselves, “What am I resisting?” The first step is to simply observe and notice our resistance to the way things are. We can then notice where and how the resistance is showing up in our body, the way we’re holding on to tension, in our feelings of resentment, and in our looping thoughts about how reality should be. As we become aware of resistance, it is often helpful to meet it with an embodiment of acceptance—taking mindful breaths to create internal space, opening our palms and half-smiling to inhabit a posture of willingness, and being patient with resistance if it feels immovable. We don’t have to fight with our resistance. Radical acceptance is a process which can start with accepting the resistance that we’re experiencing in this moment. When we’re getting stuck with resistance, we can also ask ourselves, ‘What’s the threat?” The response to this question allows us to filter through the factors we can control and to focus our attention on what we can do instead of continuing to fight what we can’t change.        

Searching for Meaning

The ability to see reality is closely linked with resilience. Resilient people build bridges from adversity to possibility by devising a constructive view of their suffering. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Austrian psychiatrist and holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl recounted his experience of being in the concentration camp, facing immense suffering and the reality of death every day.  Frankl discovered that in order to survive, he had to find some purpose. Frankl created goals such as imagining himself giving lectures in psychology and helping others understand what happened during the war so that humanity can learn from its hard lessons.  Finding and creating meaning carried him through what appeared to be a hopeless situation. Post-war, he went on to become a pioneer in developing meaning therapy. 

As we face hard times, we can resist the impulse to view ourselves as a victim and to blame life. Rather, we can look at our suffering from an angle that enables us to create meaning for ourselves and others. A question we can ask ourselves is, “When this hardship has ended, who will I become? What will I have learned? How could I rebuild my life in a way that unleashes my true potential?” 

Opening to the New

Looking back over the past 18 months since we’ve experienced this drastic change in our world, what has changed within us? What has changed in our life? Change can trigger our fears and insecurities as we face what’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable. However, these moments of disruption, are also meant to catalyze our growth and development.

If we are mindful and aware, we can use our struggles as a starting point for transformation.

By being aware of how we are experiencing changes and transitions in our lives, we can support the arc of our growth, the larger picture of our journey as a human being. 

Jeremy Hunter, author and founder of Executive Mind Leadership, outlines three important stages in opening to the new, each stage requiring unique efforts.

  1. The first stage involves seeing and acknowledging that something has ended. We have to admit that something familiar and comfortable has come to an end. It is important that we take time to properly mourn what we’ve lost. We need to ask ourselves, “How am I experiencing an ending? What am I being asked to let go of?” We might be invited to accept our sadness, our grief, our feelings of loss.
  2. The second stage is the in-between period, the middle zone of forming a new pattern. Like a caterpillar in the middle of transforming into a butterfly, we need to surrender to transformation.
  3. This stage involves facing the discomfort of being uncertain, unstable, and unclear. Our anxiety can get activated by being in this awkward in-between stage. But by recognizing that evolution is transpiring, we can become more forbearing with our discomfort. We can flow with the opportunity to explore and experiment with new ways of living our lives, to keep trying, and moving ahead. Eventually, there will be a gradual emergence into the third stage where we welcome new energy, rebirth, and renewal. 

    By allowing versus resisting change, we open ourselves to the inner expansion that makes our lives fuller. 
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Blog Everyday Thriving

Everyday Thriving: Father’s Day Edition

thriving

Psychological research across families from all ethnic backgrounds suggests that fathers’ affection and increased family involvement help promote children’s social and emotional development.

American Psychological Association

The concept of a modern day father has garnered a lot of interest not just within the context of day-to-day life but in research as well.

At We Thrive, we believe in the father’s important role in human development and the wellbeing of the family as a whole. And we also acknowledge that mental health and wellbeing needs of fathers are not as talked about as that of their children’s

This father’s day, we want to share some insights from one renaissance dad–our very own Dr. Carlos Pizarro.

Dr. Carlos has an established career as a dentist and a mental health clinician. Outside of work, Dr. Carlos is a family man, an active leader in church and non-profit organizations and he is also a musician. Learn more from his insights on fatherhood, self-care and skills for everyday thriving:

What are your practices for Everyday Thriving?

We Thrive celebrates all the men in our lives wearing different hats, our first superheroes, and guides, this day is for you. Happy Father’s Day!

Sources:

American Psychological Association. (2009, September 8). The changing role of the modern day father. http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/changing-father

Stambor, Z. (2005, December). Meet the renaissance dad. Monitor on Psychology, 36(11). http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/renaissance

Hazlegreaves, S. (2020, February 19). Why mental health for modern day dads is a hidden but fast-growing issue. Open Access Government. https://www.openaccessgovernment.org/mental-health-for-modern-day-dads/82686/