Login

Category: Everyday Thriving

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Thrive at Work Thrive in School Wellbeing Practices

Navigating the Road to Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries

Have you ever driven a car? Driving is a useful yet rigorous skill to learn.

Similar to driving, setting healthy boundaries is a rewarding skill that can help us go places. We are the driver navigating our way through the busy district of interpersonal relationships. Learning to set healthy boundaries needs conscious effort, and it can make us feel a mixture of excitement and fear – like driving for the first time.

Following the rules

Since childhood, we have been taught to follow the rules: obey the elders, be agreeable to our peers, consider others’ feelings, and be mindful of how others view us. These rules usually remain with us until adulthood as we continue to defer to our parents, comply with our supervisors, and yield to our partners. More so, these rules help us maintain harmonious relationships with others.

The downside of rigidly following these rules is developing our fear of interpersonal conflicts. The need for belongingness and acceptance drives us to indulge others even with a heavy heart. Some demands
can make us feel uncomfortable, but we do them anyway to avoid the guilt and anxiety of saying no.

Sometimes people misinterpret the rules of social relationships. We become compliant instead of compromising to maintain “conflict-free” relationships. Giving in to the backseat drivers can be exhausting; we have to take the wheel ourselves.

Keeping safe distance

Being too close to other cars raises the chance of collision. The same goes with having little to no personal space. It may appear counterintuitive, but saying no to others can improve our relationships.

Boundaries are the limits we establish for ourselves on our participation in social activities to preserve our integrity. They make us feel comfortable genuinely expressing ourselves and still safe around others. They are not meant to keep people away but to provide us enough space to assert our needs, wants, and expectations of others.

Dr. Sheri Jacobson, a retired senior therapist and founder of Harley Therapy in the United Kingdom, listed the adverse effects of having poor boundaries. We become vulnerable to stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout. While we try to avoid interpersonal conflicts, we may still have bad relationships. Others can take advantage of us even unintentionally at times. Our frustration, resentment, and anger will eventually accumulate, and passive aggression may seem like the only way to stand up for ourselves. The worst case is losing our own identity as we prioritize others more than
ourselves.

Paying attention to the signs

As you journey through setting healthy boundaries, you need to look out for the signs of being a people pleaser. According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, poor
boundaries manifest in four ways:

1. Neglecting self-care

Whenever you accommodate others’ wishes, you give a part of yourself to them – your time, energy, and resources. A telltale sign of having poor boundaries is not having enough of these for your own. It is neither selfish nor inconsiderate to give yourself some space. Remember, you cannot run with your gas tank empty or battery drained. You have to take care of yourself first to take care of others.

2. Overwhelmed

People with poor boundaries feel overwhelmed most of the time as they tend to accept more tasks than they can manage. They constantly worry about fitting everything into their schedule. You need to know your limits and work only within your limits. Going beyond them results in exhaustion and burnout.

3. Resentment

People who are compelled to do something may feel annoyed. Worse, those taken for granted feel hurt, bitter, and angry. Resentment will pile up and negatively affects your relationships in the long run. The little things we used to enjoy doing for and with others start to feel like duties – boring and tiring. Note that relationships should not be a burden; instead, they should be one of your sources of happiness, hope, and support.

4. Avoidance

When you cannot assert yourself, you will likely respond to resentment by avoiding others. It is passive aggression to ignore or cut off people. Delaying responses and bailing out of trips are some avoidant strategies that can isolate you. These are not helpful because they do not convey to others why you evade them; hence, they will continue to ask you favors.

Map to healthy boundaries

When you recognize the warning signs, hit the break and take the route to setting healthy boundaries. Adapted from Tawwab, you can follow this roadmap:

1. Identify your boundaries

The first step in setting healthy boundaries is to know your wants, needs, and expectations. Observe yourself and reflect on your emotions and thoughts.

  • Do you want to do this?
  • Are youcomfortable doing that?
  • What do you need?
  • What do you expect others to do to you or for you?

Ask these questions to know more about yourself and your limits. Honesty is crucial in this step.

2. Communicate

People are not mind readers; you have to tell them our boundaries. More importantly, you must state them clearly and directly – not just signals of maybe’s or I-don’t-know’s. In doing so, others become aware of how you want to be treated. You may beat around the bush because you find confrontations agonizing, but indirectly communicating our boundaries can only be confusing.

3. Deal with the discomfort

Setting boundaries can initially elicit some discomfort. You may feel guilt for being “selfish” or “mean.” You may feel fear that your future interactions will be awkward. You may also worry about saying the right words in the right tone at the right time. However, practice can make it feel easy and natural. Remind yourself that you are setting boundaries for your wellbeing. Engage in other self-care activities as well to improve your mood while learning how to say no.

4. Follow through

Despite feeling some degree of discomfort, you have to commit to honoring your boundaries. Consistency is key. Show people that you take your boundaries seriously, and they should, too. Immediately speak up when others go overboard. Tell them how you feel about it and what you prefer them to do. Do not let anyone slide, as it only encourages others to continue disregarding your boundaries.

The roadmap may appear short and straightforward, but it can be a long and winding road. You may find yourself going in circles, and it is definitely okay. When this happens, pull up and refer to the map to find your way again. You can also ask a reliable friend to hop in for a while and help you stay on track.

Establishing healthy boundaries leads to an enjoyable life. You become true to yourself, and others learn to honor your decisions. You get the most out of your relationships because you are respected – by yourself and others.

Now that you know the rules, the signs, and the map, may you continue to share your adventures with others while enjoying some healthy space for yourself.

References:

American Psychological Association (n.d.) Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.
https://dictionary.apa.org/boundary
Jacobson, S. (2015, March 24). The Psychological Cost of Never Saying No. Harley Therapy.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/saying-no.htm
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). What the Heck are Boundaries?. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. Penguin Random House LLC

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Thrive at Work Thrive in School Wellbeing Practices

Feeling ‘Sabaw’? Here’s the Science Behind it & 5Ways to Overcome it

sabaw

If you’re a student or young adult, you must have reached a point of disorientation
from having too much schoolwork to do or too many work engagements to finish. If you’re a parent, you may have either heard your child saying “Sabaw na ‘ko,” as if they could no longer listen to whatever you were about to say, or you may have felt “sabaw” yourself with all the things that need to get done around the house. Thing is, all of us must have experienced being sabaw at least once in our lives, and probably multiple times when we stay in an environment where there is too much going on.

So, why does being sabaw happen?

Being sabaw, or what we call a ‘cognitive overload’, happens when our brain cannot adapt to the amount of information given (often an amount that is too much), or to the too many tasks that need to be done at once. As a result, processing information and performing tasks becomes more difficult, and at worst, not even possible.

No matter how keen a person may be, they have a limit to how much they can process in a given amount of time. Even the most intelligent of people can process only so much.


When it comes to being sabaw, some respond with frustration while some may even respond to it lightly with humor (e.g., Nako, sabaw ka na naman, friend!). Regardless of what you feel about being sabaw, it can be reassuring to know that you don’t always have to be held back by it. So, here are five ways to overcome it:

Five ways to overcome being sabaw:

1. Try to stay away from distractions.

In the time of social media, it is so easy to be swept by the urge to check your phone, go to social media and check out what is interesting to see. Chances are, you may not immediately feel sabaw after browsing through your phone but you may feel it as soon as you get back to your important task, especially if what you had just consumed was heavy or engaging information. Eliminate other sources of distracting information by going to a peaceful environment, whether it’s a specific room in the house or a coffee shop with few to no distractions, and turn off/ silence your phone. Lastly, bring your phone back as a reward for completing a task.

2. Do one thing at a time.

Contrary to popular opinion, multiple studies have shown that multitasking is not very beneficial—it actually makes us less efficient and more prone to errors. The negative impact of multitasking to folding laundry while watching TV or listening to music may not be as felt as when you write an email while listening to a meeting. The disadvantage of multitasking is more clearly seen when tasks become more complex. One study had found that heavy multitaskers (those who believe that multitasking helps them with their performance) actually performed worse in the activity of multitasking than those who like doing one thing at a time. This is because the multitaskers had more difficulty organizing their thoughts and were slower in switching from one task to another—essentially, multitaskers are more highly like get into a state of sabaw in the midst of accomplishing tasks. So, learn to set other things aside and try to focus your energy and effort on one thing at a time.

3. Take breaks and don’t do other work in those breaks.

If you have freed yourself from distractions and learned how to do things one at a time, you may still find yourself feeling sabaw if you overuse your brain for a prolonged amount of time. Hence, taking a break is helpful regardless of how simple or how complex a task is. It’s just that you’re more likely to get sabaw sooner when you solve a series of calculus equations within an hour as compared to reading a light novel within the same duration. You can do anything during your break as long as it is not work. Meanwhile, the length of breaks that you need may depend on various factors such as your current health state (e.g. whether or not you’ve had enough rest, sleep, and energy), the complexity of the task, and the urgency of finishing the task. But if everything is kept constant, taking a break of 15-20 minutes every after 50-90 minutes is considered beneficial and can keep you from being
sabaw. Going beyond 20 minutes, of course, will not make you even more sabaw although it may affect other important priorities in your activity such as momentum and productivity.

4. Plot a schedule and write notes for reminders of activities that you need to get back to.

Sometimes the list of things that you have to accomplish can get very overwhelming. Even if you try to take breaks, you still get overwhelmed and fear that you’d hit that state of sabaw soon. If that does happen, then that is likely a result of too much mental activity consumed by the worrying of other activities that haven’t even started yet. To help bring you at peace and certainty, try to plot a schedule for the set of activities that you need to get done and put them on paper or in a digital note. Relying too much on our working memory for reminders and specific details can sometimes be disadvantageous given that our brain can only take in information at a certain capacity. Unnecessary worry and stress may ease when you have realistic schedules and plans in place.

5. Withdraw from other commitments or other activities.

There are many aspects in our lives that demand our attention, may it be school, work, family, community, and relationships. But sometimes, they can lead us to overcommitment. The initial consequence of overcommitting can be feeling sabaw at first, then burnout after. If you have done tip #4 and still find yourself overwhelmed, it may be possible that your schedule of activities and/ or commitments may be unrealistic and too tiring for you. In that case, learn how to let go by saying no, turning over the responsibility to someone else, ask for help to relieve the responsibility from you, or a combination of all of those. Our brains can only handle so much that when we force things, we may end up accomplishing less commitments than what we had initially expected because of too many sabaw moments and burnout.

References:

Supertaskers: Profiles in extraordinary multitasking ability
Executive control of cognitive processes in task switching
Give me a break

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Restorative Practices Wellbeing Practices

Tune In: How Music Fosters Wellbeing

music

“‘Cause when you get older, life gets colder
Sometimes I just wanna hit pause, but I’m afraid I’ll never press play again…”

Clara Benin

When was the last time you checked in with yourself and asked how you’re truly doing?

With all the demands that life throws at us, we may easily fall into the trap of mindlessness, juggling many things all at once without examining ourselves in the process; thereby, running the risk of wearing ourselves out in the long run. Add to it the culture we live in where busyness, overproductivity, and urgency are being glorified. Who has the luxury to be still a few minutes in a day when work pressures you to submit it now? Who even cares about how you feel when outputs have become implied measures of one’s worth? If we won’t make deliberate choices for our wellbeing, these can be detrimental to our health and our ability to flourish as we live this one precious life we’re gifted with.

Press Pause and Tune In

Think of the self like a musical instrument, say, for example, a guitar. It would be pointless to sing and be accompanied by it if the instrument is out of tune. In order to maximize the value and function of a guitar (and this goes with most instruments), it has to be set in proper tuning. Too much tightness could cause the strings to break. On the other end, when you don’t plan to use the guitar for quite some time, it’s best to loosen up the strings in order to prevent them from possibly breaking. 

The same goes for us, human beings. When we’re constantly exposed to stress and we’re unable to release the tension, it affects how we think, feel and relate with others in negative ways. Moreover, our bodies will eventually suffer and it may manifest as physical illnesses. In order to be at our optimal selves, we need to pause, tune ourselves, and acknowledge where we are at the moment with gentleness and self-compassion. 

Tuning ourselves may look different for each of us, just like getting quality sleep, eating healthy foods, ensuring that we’re regularly connected with the people we love and who support us, having a me-time, creating space to feel both pleasant and unpleasant emotions, being mindfully aware as thoughts and feelings come and go in the present moment. The last two may take time some practice in order to cultivate such awareness, but one tool has been helpful in making it happen— music.

Permission to feel

music

Who gave you permission to feel?

Music.

What seemed to be just a moment of mindless scrolling on Twitter ended up as an “aha!” moment that eventually led me to reflective mode, just like how you listen to a song for the first time, and it suddenly hits right in the feels. Familiar, isn’t it?

Whether as a listener or creator, one cannot deny the power of music in evoking emotions. We know from experience how music gives us the comfort we need when going through difficult times, the focus and energy boost in completing tasks, and even transporting us back into key events in our lives where we try to make meaning and reconstruct our own narrative. It serves a myriad of functions, most especially in enhancing our wellbeing.

Music and wellbeing

1. Music as a safe space for feelings

“Perhaps the therapeutic use of music allows people to
experience emotions safely… (Wilkinson, 2018).” Remember the moments you listened to music when you needed a good cry or you need to feel calm. Maybe the lyrics resonated with what you’re currently going through, which gives you a sense of comfort, the feeling of being held, and the validation that you’re not alone. Or, if you’re a musician and you’re trying to capture your feelings into melodies, the act of playing your instrument becomes cathartic for
you. A song is like a friend who provides that safe, grounding, and non-judgmental space that gives you permission to feel in that present moment. Joy, sadness, fear, anger, hope, love, awe— all emotions are welcome here. These “permission to feel” moments are important in maintaining our wellbeing since it allows us to acknowledge the complexities of our emotions which is key to emotion regulation, instead of running away or numbing them.

A qualitative study by Saarikallio (2010) explored music-related strategies of emotional self-regulation during adulthood and found that participants turn to music for:

  • happy mood maintenance
  • revival and relaxation especially when tired
  • strong sensations and powerful emotional experiences such as intense enjoyment, deep concentration and emotional involvement in music (e.g. being part of an opera production or watching a live concert)
  • diversion or distraction from unwanted thoughts and feelings
  • discharge and disclosure—that is, releasing and venting anger or sadness through music that expressed these emotions
  • mental work such as being able to face, contemplate and work through unsettling emotional experiences,
  • solace— acting like a comforting friend who understands and accepts you when you feel sad, melancholic or hopeless; and
  • ‘psyching up’— uplifting one’s mood and raisingone’s energy levels for an activity.

2. Music helps us get “in the zone”

Being completely absorbed in an activity that you lose track of time is known as flow or commonly known as “in the zone”. This intense and focused concentration on the present moment can be achieved through the help of music. You  may recall a time that listening to an ambient or instrumental music helped you stay focused in finishing a task such as writing or studying for an exam. According to Mihály Csíkszentmihályi (2014), the main proponent of the concept of flow:

“merely having music playing in the background does not evoke flow, but listening to music as the main activity so that attention can be focused on the music is an important precondition for getting into and staying in flow.”

Mihály Csíkszentmihályi (2014)


The key then is to listen mindfully to the music. To practice, set aside at least five minutes to listen mindfully to a song of your choice (one that doesn’t have lyrics), sit with it and listen to all the elements used in the song, from the instruments used to how it’s arranged. As you cultivate mindful listening to the music, it increases your likelihood of getting into flow.

3. Music as a tool for enhancing social connections

There is no doubt that music is best enjoyed when it is experienced and shared with others— whether that could take in a form of singing together in a group (karaoke sessions), teaching another person on how to play an instrument, meeting strangers who have turned into friends in a concert of your favorite band, curating a playlist for your loved one and sharing it to them ‘cause that’s your love language, or being part of a fan group and interacting with the artist. Sometimes, when we’re having difficulty in articulating our thoughts and feelings to our friends, it helps to share instead a song that relates to our experience so that our friend would understand where we are. Koelsch (2013) reviews the social functions of music such as being able to increase contact, coordination and cooperation with others, engage in social cognition wherein the listener tries to understand the intent and message of the artist expressed in the song, participate in co-pathy (a social function of empathy), which all leads to social cohesion— satisfying our human need to belong.

Truly, music allows us to feel connected to all of humanity.  Music indeed is a gift to us, especially as we continue to take care of our wellbeing. May we practice tuning in to ourselves with the help of music, allowing it to take us to places of our souls that need some tending. And just “be”.

Sources:

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Restorative Practices

4 Simple Expressive Arts and Mindfulness Activities to Improve Your Well-Being

expressive arts

Growing up, I have had a love-hate relationship with arts. Back in pre-school, I remembered how my classmates and teacher laughed at my artwork during a show and tell. I no longer wanted to do art since then. I thought, maybe, art was not for me. In my teen years, I rekindled my relationship with arts. At this time, it was arts that helped me cope with my personal challenges as an adolescent. I kept a journal with poems and drawings to express the feelings I cannot express with my friends and loved ones. I also got into theater and felt a cathartic experience as I released my emotions through the characters I portray. Visual arts, poetry and theater became my best friend who listen without judgment.

My first encounter with a mindfulness practice was through Inner Dance Conscious Meditation. Inner Dance is a spiritual healing modality rooted in ancient Filipino Shamanic “Babaylan” tradition. Inner Dance infuses meditation, intuitive free flowing movement, and energy healing to connect with inner awareness of body, mind, and emotion. Through Inner Dance, I was able to connect with my body and learned to be more compassionate with myself.

With these experiences, came my desire to dive deep into learning more about the fusion of expressive arts and mindfulness. With that said, I would like to share 4 simple ways on how to use expressive arts and mindfulness to improve our well-being. But before that, let us enumerate the definitions of these two concepts.

Mindfulness is “moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness, cultivated by paying attention in a specific way, that is, in the present moment and as non-reactively, as non-judgmentally, and as openheartedly as possible.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn

Expressive arts as defined by International Expressive Arts Therapy Association® (IEATA®) as, “combination of visual arts, movement, drama, music, writing and other creative processes to foster deep personal growth and community development.”

Reading through these technical definitions, we can say that these two concepts fits well together. Why? When we think of doing any form of art expression, whether it is drawing, writing, music making or movement, our first thought or reaction might be, “Do I have the ability to make this art expression appear pleasant to other people?”. We already come up with judgement, a resistance, a reaction because we grew up in an environment where art has standard.

While expressive arts invite us to use different modalities without focus on the aesthetics; mindfulness can help us participate in expressive arts activities, by being fully present, moment to moment, non judgmentally and with openness.

Mindfulness and expressive arts have been integrated in different practices such as Focusing-Oriented Expressive Arts (FOAT) and Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT). These approaches were
discussed by the psychologist, Dr. Laury Rappaport in her book “Mindfulness and the Arts Therapies.” These approaches are widely used in different settings and population. According to Dr. Rappaport, we can trace back the roots of mindfulness and expressive arts in ancient rituals, religious and indigenous practices and these has brought community healing and transformation. The experience of doing any form of art expression gives us access to witness our inner experience and become absorbed in a state of flow. Mindfulness complements this experience by bringing self-compassion, non-judgmental, openness and being in the present moment.

Alright! Enough with the definitions! Let us now try some simple mindfulness and expressive arts activities you can do on your own at your most convenient time.

Mindful breathing with vocal toning

Do you notice that you unconsciously sigh with sound when you’re feeling exasperated or feeling a sense of relief? It’s because your body regulates itself through rhythm and sound. According to Peter Levine, making any sound stimulate the ventral vagal nerve and calm your body. Let’s try combining mindful breathing and sound making. Here are the steps:

  1. Find a place where you can’t be disturbed. It’s best that you do this gentle movements in bare foot so you can feel the ground.
  2. Stand straight, your feet slightly apart. Make sure your weight is evenly distributed on the soles of your feet.
  3. Notice the sensation of your feet touching the ground. Is the ground cold or warm? Rough or smooth? Notice the feeling of support of the ground where your feet touch.
  4. Bring gentle attention to your breathing. Notice the sensation of the air coming in and out of your nose, and the rising and falling of your chest and stomach. Also, notice the pace of your breathing. There’s nothing to change. Just notice your breathing with curiosity, gentleness, compassion and non-judgement.
  5. Follow the pace of your breathing together with gentle movements. Raise your arms as you inhale. Move your arms downwards as you exhale.
  6. Notice the sensation in your body as you repeatedly do this movement. Are there any thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up Be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate and curious towards any feeling or thought that may come.

Mindful breathing with movements

In Cathy Malchiodi’s book entitled, Trauma and Expressive Arts Therapy, she combined grounding and anchoring together with some gentle body movements to help the client focus or attention to the here and now. Let’s try some gentle movements combined with our breathing. Here are the steps:

  1. Find a place where you can’t be disturbed. It’s best that you do this gentle movements in barefoot so you can feel the ground.
  2. Stand straight, your feet slightly apart. Make sure your weight is evenly distributed on the soles of your feet.
  3. Notice the sensation of your feet touching the ground. Is the ground cold or warm? Rough or smooth? Notice the feeling of support of the ground where your feet touch.
  4. Bring gentle attention to your breathing. Notice the sensation of the air coming in and out of your nose, and the rising and falling of your chest and stomach. Also, notice the pace of your breathing. There’s nothing to change. Just notice your breathing with curiosity, gentleness, compassion and non-judgement.
  5. Follow the pace of your breathing together with gentle movements. Raise your arms as you inhale. Move your arms downwards as you exhale.
  6. Notice the sensation in your body as you repeatedly do this movement. Are there any thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up? Be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate and curious to any feeling or thought that may come.

Mindful breathing while doodling

Another way to anchor our attention to the here and now is called drawing the breath. For Cathy Malchiodi, this is a non-threatening way to combine mindfulness and self-regulation. Now, let’s try this simple mindful breathing with doodling exercise. Here are the steps:

  1. Prepare any kind of paper or writing instrument for this exercise. Find a comfortable place where you cannot be disturbed.
  2. Bring gentle attention to your breathing. Notice the sensation of the air coming in and out of your nose, and the rising and falling of your chest and stomach. Also, notice the pace of your breathing. There’s nothing to change. Just notice your breathing with curiosity, gentleness, compassion and non-judgement.
  3. Following the pace and depth of your breath, make any line stroke on your paper that represents your inhale and exhale. It could be an upstroke for every inhale or downstroke with every exhale. Explore different line strokes, there is no right or wrong way of expressing it.
  4. Notice the sensation in your body as you repeatedly doodle together with your breathing. Are there any thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up? Be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate or curious to any feeling or thought that may come.

Reflective free-flowing

Shaun McNiff has suggested the process of conscious reflection of what is happening in the present moment. In the last three activities that we did, we tried to be kind, gentle, welcoming, compassionate and curious to the different sensations, thoughts and feelings that arise. In this last activity, let us try to do contemplative writing by expressing our experience in a free-flowing writing. Here are some guidelines when doing reflective free flow writing exercise.

  • Just let the words flow.
  • Do not try to sensor what you write.
  • Do not mind the grammar, language, or form.
  • Feel free to write it in the language you are comfortable expressing.
  • Just continuously write until you have exhausted all the feelings or thoughts you have experienced whether it is a pleasant or unpleasant.
  • When you are done, read what you wrote and sense inside how does this experience feel inside your body.

As Pablo Picasso once said, “Art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life.” We hope that these simple mindfulness and expressive arts exercises were able to help you dust off the everyday stress you
are experiencing.

References:

  • About Us. ieata. (n.d.). Retrieved April 21, 2022, from https://www.ieata.org/
  • Art Of Healing Dr Amir Farid Isahak. (2019, July 29). Inner dance of healing qi. The Star. Retrieved April 21, 2022, from https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/viewpoints/art-of-healing/2008/06/22/inner-dance-of-healing-qi
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (2018). Meditation is not what you think. Piatkus.
  • Malchiodi, C. A. (2020). Trauma and expressive arts therapy: Brain, body, and imagination in the healing process. NY: Guilford Publications
  • Rappaport, L. (2009). Focusing-oriented art therapy: Accessing the body’s wisdom and creative intelligence. London and Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
  • Rappaport, L. (2014). Mindfulness and the arts therapies: Theory and practice. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Calm, Connect and Cultivate towards More Effective Parenting

parenting

As parents, we are fueled by what is best for our children. We want our children to
grow stable, well-adjusted and equipped with skills to survive, as well as thrive in life.

These lofty goals make parenting fulfilling and meaningful, and it is also no easy feat. There is the constant pressure to know how to provide and respond to the needs of our child at any given moment.
But let’s face it, we have moments when we wonder if what we’re doing is really what’s best for our children. We question our capacity to parent our children.

I can’t seem to pacify my child during a meltdown.

My child refuses to listen and follow what I say.

My teen doesn’t want to talk to me about anything.

I get so upset and angry with my child, it’s so frustrating.

In these situations, we usually try to manage our children’s behavior by using strong, hurtful words and punitive action.

If you don’t pack away your toys, no You Tube time this afternoon.

You’re going to get into a lot of trouble if you don’t finish your homework.

Stop acting like a baby, it’s not a big deal.

Because I said so.

We threaten, we bribe, we punish, we withdraw certain privileges in the hopes of getting our children to behave and comply. We become dismissive of our children. We take control of the situation with little
consideration or understanding what our kids might be going through.
Let’s take a moment to notice, if any of the scripts and strategies above have been effective or helpful in the long run? Most likely, no.
These may even serve to escalate the situation, to provide quick fixes until the unwanted behavior happens again, and to rupture relationships instead of our original parenting intention of long-lasting caring and raising our children well.

What can we as parents do?

What are more effective ways of dealing with children, especially during difficult and upsetting situations? What will work, what can be more helpful for parents and children to overcome tough moments

Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson’s Whole Brain (2014) approach to parenting, offers a place to start. This perspective places emphasis on understanding the way the brain works and develops. The brain
shapes who we are and what we do. It has various components and functions that need to work together for us to achieve balance and integration.

Emphasis is further placed on how the brain’s capacity for integration is significantly shaped by experience.

The experiences and responses parents provide, lay the foundation for children’s development towards stability, independence and resilience. With appropriate supports, we help our children improve decision-making and problem-solving, have better control of their body and emotions and strengthen themselves and their relationships.

Are these not some of the very things we want for our children, to find success in various aspects of life and development?

The 3 C’s towards Effective Parenting

How can this be achieved?

The 3 C’s of Calm, Connect and Cultivate can serve as a quick guide.

Developing the skill and practice to Calm, Connect and Cultivate, underscore the importance of being attuned to our child in the middle of chaos and conflict. Developing regulation and co-regulation skills
can help improve the ways we relate with our children, especially during tough situations –when your child kicks, screams, refuses to listen, refuses to respond, when your child is inconsolable.

1. CALM

We cannot calm our child when we are not calm ourselves.

It truly is easier said than done, but it can be done with practice, patience and intention! Self-regulation can become our parent superpower when we are mindful of our current feelings and reactions during stressful situations, and aware of our own thoughts and beliefs about the behavior of our children.

When we learn how to self-soothe and bring about a state of calm, we create a space to recognize that difficult behaviors are cues which tell us that children are having a tough time. Children may experience
big feelings which they may not necessarily recognize or have the skills yet to deal with more effectively. So they act up and act all sorts of out of control. If we meet their frustration with our own, the situation escalates as emotions go unchecked and unvalidated, and behaviors become more difficult to manage.

Pause and take a breath

Taking a few moments to pause, breathing in and out allows us to calm
feelings and to step back from a triggering situation and potentially intense emotions. It also models behavior that we can cultivate in children when they are going through a tough time.

Self-affirming statements

Self-soothing statements can also be effective as it builds an awareness to one’s current state. Words of affirmation such as, “My feelings are valid,” or “I can’t control how I feel, and I can control how I respond,” or “I am doing my best at this moment,” convey messages that build
self-compassion and self-kindness. It affirms the intentionality of supporting and connecting with our children. There are a myriad of statements, and it is about choosing powerful statements that calms and build toughness too.

Self-soothing activities

There are many other ways to pause and self-soothe to prepare yourself to connect with your child. These depend on what works and what is available to you. Simple activities like taking a short walk, listening to music, playing with a pet, writing or drawing in a journal are some examples.

Think before you speak

Training oneself to take pause and being mindful of the words we say builds a practice of regulating the self and controlling impulses. Take pause to think if your words are helpful and supportive of your child, or if it conveys validation and support. Thinking before speaking implies taking pause and bring the calm in to make better decisions about what and how to communicate and connect.

Practicing these regularly not only during stressful times, strengthen the mind and the body to respond to difficult situations in a more mindful way. We become less reactive when we are calm. The ability to
self-regulate builds our patience to take pause and wait for our children to be ready to engage. Being calm and staying calm then allows us to connect.

2. CONNECT

The warm and responsive interactions between parents and children especially during moments of stress and chaos and conflict, are opportunities for children to learn to understand and modulate their thoughts, feelings and behavior. When a parent feels calm, connection with their children can follow as both parent and child strive to reach states of calm. A child learns to respond instead of react when the parent models this and teaches the child regulation skills, when the child is good and ready.

A parent who takes a non-reactive, non-threatening stance allows the child to feel seen and heard, to regain a sense of control to listen and to make more thoughtful decisions of responding and behaving more effectively.

Give affection

During a meltdown, a child is so overcome with emotion and can feel threatened and unsafe with the intensity of their feelings. A warm hug, gentle stroking of the hair or a soft back rub can give children a sensory experience to ground them in the present, a space to recognize difficulties currently encountered. This allows discovery of their ability to recover. A parent’s calm supportive presence even without words sends the message that you are there for your child when he or she needs you most.

Speak in a soothing, calm voice

Speaking in a low and slow voice similarly helps soothe a child, allowing the child to feel intense negative emotions, and to sit with the discomfort as you the parent hold a space of trust and comfort.

HALT

Staying with your child (while in a Calm state) allows you to assess the function of the behavior. Some of these functions include Hunger, Anger, Loneliness and Tiredness. Decoding the particular trigger and function of behavior facilitates a more appropriate response thereby building skills and character.

Actively listen to your child

This strategy involves mirroring what a child tells you and conveying back to your child the meaning as well as the content of what was said. This gives a child the sense that his or her feelings and thoughts are valid and that you the parent recognize these.

Validate and emphatize

Statements like, “Don’t worry about it,” or “Just relax,” or “You’re just tired,” may seem harmless but they are actually dismissive and serve to invalidate and minimize the experience and feelings of the child, without us noticing it. Similarly, statements like “Just do it again,” or “Just stop crying, it’s not a big deal” gloss over the challenges that children are facing, indirectly telling them that it’s not okay to feel the way that they do in that moment.

Statements of validation and empathy that reflect what the child is feeling and going through, are empowering for a child and helps them be ready and open to engage and communicate further. When done successfully, this can open more spaces to connect and cultivate ways to teach and support children to respond to feelings and situations more mindfully.

There are many different ways of connecting with the child in times of chaos and distress, and it’s about finding which are most helpful for you as a parent, for your particular child and what response or strategy would be appropriate at the given moment.

3. CULTIVATE

The suggested strategies for calming and connecting outlined above can be helpful if it is cultivated. It is discovering and building practices to nurture and protect the parent-child relationship. Learning how to calm and connect will help ease the process of teaching children to be reflective, to learn skills and gain insight on themselves in relation to others, and to figure out how they can respond better to those around them. We cultivate practice to become more intentional in responding to our children – building nurturing relationships with them, inspired by connection and teaching with care and compassion.

It is also important to remember to cultivate practice in the everyday moments. Our lives are filled with the small day to day moments, that provide rich ground to parent our children most effectively. A gentle word, a comforting hug, and the many other ways we choose to nurture and connect with our children are opportunities to shape our relationship with them, and to equip them with skills that will help them live with kindness, intention and resilience.

References:

Rosanbalm, K. D., & Murray, D. W. (2018). Co-regulation from birth through young adulthood: A practice brief. Duke University, 1-10.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Dell Publishing Group.

Siegel, E. D., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Scribe Publications Pty Ltd.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Wellbeing Practices

How Mindfulness Can Help Keep Problematic Internet Use at Bay

Internet Use

As the pandemic continues to affect restrictions on movement and

in-person interactions, Filipino adolescents today have a starkly distinctive experience of going online. Screens have become crucial in the conduct of one’s affairs, and internet use has skyrocketed. In fact, a recent survey reports that the average Filipino teen spends about 10 hours per day online via various devices compared to around 6 hours per week in 2014 (Statista Research Department, 2022).

This is a cause for concern as more screen time opens up the possibility of problematic internet use (PIU), otherwise known as compulsive internet use or internet addiction. PIU was already a growing area of interest by clinicians pre-pandemic, as a review of studies in 31 countries states that about 6% of adolescents already engage in PIU (Cheng and Li, 2014). It continues to be a problem amid the pandemic as in a study comparing internet use during
lockdown among young people in low to middle-income countries, respondents from the Philippines have significantly high scores in measures of problematic internet use, social media use, and general app usage (Fernandes et al., 2021).

Teens are said to be addicted to the internet when there is an inability to control thoughts and behaviors over going online that significantly cause impairment in functioning. Other indicators include a preference for online rather than face-to face-relationships and turning to the internet to relieve negative mood states such as stress, sadness, or anxiety (Gámez-Guadix et al., 2012).

The last indicator helps us understand why young people’s internet use is important to look out for, despite the ubiquity of screens nowadays. As social distancing measures continue to harbor feelings of isolation and loneliness in adolescents (Fegert et al., 2020), they likely fall into various activities such as using the internet to escape and cope (Yao and Zhong, 2014). The internet provides relief through small doses of dopamine for every notification, message, interesting story, or video (Liu and Luo, 2015). However, when we don’t monitor how it may take a hold in our lives, internet use may lead to more negative physical and emotional health outcomes, and the vicious cycle repeats.

Can Mindfulness Help?

Mindfulness has gained popularity in the past decade and has been increasingly incorporated into psychological interventions for children and adolescents. Evidence points to the many benefits of mindfulness training, including the reduction and prevention of stress, symptoms of depression and anxiety and behavioral problems for this specific population (e.g., Britton et al., 2014; Raes et al., 2014; Singh et al., 2007 as cited in Gámez-Guadix & Calvete, 2016).

Mindfulness refers to the ability to become fully present and aware of one’s sensations (what we see, smell, hear, taste, or feel), thoughts (e.g., “I am not good at this”), and emotions (e.g., “I feel really bad”), and turning towards them with curiosity and nonjudgment (Kabat-Zinn,
2003).

Through mindful awareness, teens can learn to befriend and ride the wave of negative emotions, realize that feelings of sadness, anxiety, stress, etc., come and go, and practice detachment. They can also begin to make thoughtful decisions in dealing with their distress
rather than automatically reacting or giving in to their impulses, and perhaps start using the internet with more intention (Gámez-Guadix & Calvete, 2016).

The Cellphone Observation Exercise

The good news is that information on mindfulness is accessible and there is a plethora of resources available to help teens get started on their practice. To get a teen to specifically notice internal reactions while using their devices and think of changes they might make in terms of their relationship with them, the exercise below, adapted from David M. Levy, may prove useful.

It can be done alone as well as with an older sibling or parent, to better facilitate reflection. Each step begins with a prompt to do something in relation to one’s phone or device. One is also asked to note how their mind and body are reacting while performing the steps. A piece of paper may be necessary to write down a few words or phrases.

  1. Think about your phone or device without holding or using it. What do you experience (what comes up in your mind and body) when you think about your phone or device?
  2. Take out your phone and hold it in your hand or go near your device without turning on the screen. Again, pause here to notice how you feel. Is there a pull to do something in particular. What does that feel like in your body? What does it feel like to pause for a moment and wait?
  3. Turn on your phone or device and proceed to open an app of your choosing. Look at the interface in general and do not engage with the app right away. What was the experience like for you?
  4. Engage in the app – perhaps read a post or send a message or two. What happens in your mind and body as you do this?
  5. Finally, stash your phone in your pocket, bag, or drawer, or move a few feet away from your device. How did you feel as you did this?

Post Exercise Reflection:

Look back on the experience and notes written if there are any. Was any of your reactions in a particular step noteworthy? What might this suggest about your relationship with your phone or device? Does it suggest any changes you might need to make?

Mindfulness Practices and the Use of Technology

There are other ways mindfulness can be woven into a teen’s routine that may help address issues with internet use. The following are found below.

1. Mindfully setting and sticking to schedule

Setting specific hours for waking, eating, and sleeping, and committing to it will already make a huge difference in lessening opportunities to engage in nonproductive internet use.

2. Use a mindfulness bell and practice S.T.O.P.

Apps such as The Awakening Bell or The Bell of Mindfulness help recreate the experience of meditation bells in Buddhist temples by ringing a bell or gong sound through your phone or device’s speakers for every time interval specified. Use this as a reminder to bring your mind back to the present moment and then practice S. T. O. P., which stands for:
Stop. Whatever you are doing, pause momentarily.
Take a breath. Re-connect with your breath to anchor in the present moment.
Observe. What is happening inside you, and outside of you? What do you feel? What are you doing?
Proceed. Continue with what you are doing. Or not, depending on the information gathered during the exercise.

The more you STOP during the day, the more you could possibly be aware of your intentions behind every swipe or click thus preventing from going on autopilot.

It is important to keep in mind that it may take some time before mindfulness becomes a habit for anyone, let alone a teen. It is a skill that needs practicing. Many people become frustrated when their mind wanders or forget to apply the mindfulness skills above as there is pressure to get things “right or correctly” the first time. As long as one notices wandering to return and observe the present moment, one is already doing mindfulness.

Resources:
• https://www.humanetech.com/
• https://www.youtube.com/c/headspace
• https://mindful.org
• https://self-compassion.org/

Work Cited:

Cheng, C., & Li, A. Y. (2014). Internet addiction prevalence and quality of (real) life: A meta-analysis of 31 nations across seven world regions. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, 17, 755– 760. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2014.0317

Fegert, J. M., Vitiello, B., Plener, P. L., & Clemens, V. (2020). Challenges and burden of the
Coronavirus 2019 (COVID-19) pandemic for child and adolescent mental health: a narrative
review to highlight clinical and research needs in the acute phase and the long return to
normality. Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, 14, 20. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13034- 020-00329-3

Fernandes, B., Uzun, B., Aydin, C., Tan-Mansukhani, R., Vallejo, A., Saldaña-Gutierrez, A., Biswas, U. N., & Essau, C. A. (2021). Internet use during COVID-19 lockdown among young people in low- and middle-income countries: Role of psychological well-being. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.abrep.2021.100379

Gámez-Guadix, M., Villa-Gorge, F. I., & Calvete, E. (2012). Measurement and analysis of the cognitive-behavioral model of generalized problematic internet use among Mexican adolescents. Journal of Adolescence, 35(6), 1581-1591. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2012.06.00

Gámez-Guadix, M., & Calvete, E. (2016). Assessing the Relationship between Mindful Awareness and Problematic Internet Use Among Adolescents. Mindfulness, 7, 1281 –1288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-016-0566-0

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144 – 156. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy

Liu, M., & Luo, J. (2015). Relationship between peripheral blood dopamine level and internet
addiction disorder in adolescents: A pilot study. International Journal of Clinical and
Experimental Medicine, 8(6), 9943 – 9948. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4538113/#:~:text=Like%20addictive%20su
bstance%2C%20the%20activities,person%20a%20state%20of%20euphoria.

Statista Research Department (2022). Average daily time spent using online media in the Philippines, in third-quarter 2021, by activity. https://www.statista.com/statistics/803812/daily-time-spent-using-online-media-by-activity-philippines/#:~:text=Internet%20users%20in%20the%20Philippines,social%20media%20on

Yao, M. Z., & Zhong, Z. J. (2014). Loneliness, social contacts, and Internet addiction: A cross-lagged panel study. Computers in Human Behavior, 30, 164 – 170. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2013.08.007

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Restorative Practices Wellbeing Practices

Is My Pet Bringing Me More Joy?

pets

I’ve always been a huge animal lover- I’ve had almost every type of pet imaginable,
from cats, dogs, hamsters, birds, and to something as exotic as an iguana. I can’t imagine my life without them and I really value what they have brought and taught me in life. Did you know that even our scientist Sigmund Freud had a favorite dog who never left his side even when doing therapy! Jofi was a chow that people were used to seeing in Freud’s office and “Freud claimed that he never needed to look at his watch during a session, as when Jofi got up and yawned it meant that the allotted hour was over. She was never late.” Essentially Freud became an animal lover himself!

Freud and Jofi in Vienna, 1931 (Photo credit: Freud Museum London)
Anna and Sigmund Freud with Wolf (Photo credit: National Purebred Dog Day)

How my pet affects my life

I had a roommate from college who was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and living with her, I saw how much she struggled getting out of bed, going to classes, eating, and trying to get herself out of the room. A year after our freshman year, her father got her a dog and his name was Hershey! Hershey was the cutest thing ever, he
was a miniature poodle who loved to socialize and to play. After my roommate adopted Hershey, I slowly saw her more outside her room hanging out with me and our other friends. How due to Hershey she was taking more walks outside, even though there are days where she struggled to go on those walks, in the end the strolls with Hershey
definitely lifted her mood after! I lived with my roommate for 4 years and I was able to see a dog like Hershey be able to support and to save my roommate’s life making her realize that life is worth living!

Research says that having the companionship of a pet really does have positive effects on our bodies. Pets are able to support humans through reducing stress, depression, anxiety, and loneliness.

“Studies have demonstrated a reduction in cortisol, a hormone associated with stress level, as well as systolic and diastolic blood pressure following interaction with a therapy animal”

Animal-Assisted Therapy as a Complementary Intervention for
Mindfulness-Based Therapies (Atherton, Dunbar Jr. & Baker)

They are beneficial to cardiovascular health because they naturally advocate exercise and play! The animal- human bond is undeniable!

“Caring for an animal can help children become more secure and active as they grow older. Pets can also provide older adults with much-needed companionship. But, maybe most importantly, a pet can provide you with true joy and unconditional love.”

The Health and Mood-Boosting Benefits of Pets (Helpguide.org)

Wouldn’t knowing this will want you to go and get a pet right away!

But definitely before you get your loving companion, please do some research first and talk with other professionals in the pet stores or animal shelters to find out which animal is best for you to adopt- but even if you are not able to adopt a pet, having some animal interaction will also help you!

I came across a study that was titled “Pets and Happiness: Examining the Association between Pet Ownership and Wellbeing.” One part of the study is that they compared the well-being of pet owners to non-pet owners through a questionnaire and found that there was not much difference in the results in terms of well-being and personality, “Pet owners were higher in satisfaction with life than non-owners, but the two groups did not differ in happiness, positive emotions, or negative emotions.” One of the factors was that individuals are considerably more elated when they initially adopt their pet, and as time passes, they gradually return to their “baseline” well-being, which is known as hedonic
adaptation. That grabbed my attention because I never thought of it that way! The article says that “It is possible that this cognitive part of well-being is more resistant to adaptation since pet owners still consider their relationship with their pet when rating their overall life satisfaction, but the pet has little effect on their actual, day-to-day experience of emotions.” I recall being ecstatic when I first adopted my puppy—of course, I am still extremely happy when I see my furry friend but I have now become accustomed to having them in my life and they have now become my new reality—a joyful norm.

This flowchart explains the phenomenon of hedonic adaptation- how we all get what we desire and after a while we go back to our “baseline level of affect.” (Photo credit: Productive Club)

I was also not expecting the results of this study to find very little difference in terms of happiness; I was expecting a significant difference—actually, I was expecting dramatic results because my dogs make me the happiest!

What can my pet and I do?

After doing some research about pets and wellbeing, it made me wonder what my dogs and I can do for each other to be able to enhance our wellbeing, especially during this pandemic where we spend most of our time at home with nothing much to do. According
to the article “Dog tales: mindful dog interactions evoke similar experiences to dog assisted mindfulness meditations” the study looked at the feasibility and effectiveness of two six-week interventions that dog owners can conduct with their pets in the safety and comfort of their own homes, with the goal of improving both parties’ well-being. “Qualitative results supported that “the owner feeling happiness/enjoyment and relaxation/calm while completing the task, as well as feeling a sense of engagement and/or focus while completing the task, and enhanced emotional/spiritual connection with their dogs.” We can really see the positive effects of the intervention on the
participants!

To answer the question of what you and your pet can do, here is a mindfulness exercise that you can try together!

  • Observe the animal that you are with, what do they look like? Look at the different parts of the animal and carefully notice every aspect of him/her
  • Listen to the sounds that it makes, does it make a sound?
  • Are you able to touch your animal? If you are able to, how does it feel?
  • If you are doing an activity together, how does your movement compare to the animal?

Sources:

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving

COVID-19 and the Crisis of Happiness: Knowing what we are (not) responsible for

Happiness in the new normal

With COVID-19 restrictions in public life easing, there is an excitement for a return to “happiness.” The desire surely comes from intense feelings. Many of us struggled to meet our daily needs, endured prolonged states of helplessness, faced sickness or death every other week, and confronted deep-seated hurts and longings which we only managed to avoid through the daily routines the pandemic stole away. And yet somehow, according to the latest World Happiness Report, the Philippines ranked 60 out of 146 countries in levels of happiness in terms of overall life evaluation.1 How is this so? And what can this experience of a global health crisis offer in our ongoing struggles to recreate and reimagine happiness?

Drawing from our clinical work, this article will briefly look at discerning the factors we can exercise responsibility over, and what questions we can ask ourselves to exercise “psychological flexibility” in response to these feelings of accountability and helplessness.

Not every variable affecting happiness is our responsibility. While this fact does not imply a disregard of personal liability, a fuller experience of happiness requires that this sense of responsibility be exercised with restraint. This can be done through the practice of “psychological flexibility”, and we offer two basic questions to start. First, are you actually responsible for the things you hold yourself responsible for? And second, can you be kinder to yourself for what you are actually responsible for?

Not every variable affecting happiness is our responsibility.

Consider three of the six general predictors used by the World Happiness Report: “social support”, “perception of corruption”, and “Gross Domestic Product (GDP) per capita”. 2What you notice almost immediately is that these factors affecting happiness have little to do with individual willpower. For example, a person’s ability to access social support can be affected by cultural environments that create “social handicaps” (i.e. anything from a person’s physical and psychiatric disabilities to their membership in a stigmatized group which communities consciously or implicitly act upon in ways which impair a person’s ability to access goods, services, or privileges).3 Similarly, how rampant corruption is or how high the average household income might be is grounded in systemic issues of policy and governance rather than simple personal will. Other predictors alluding to personal decisions, such as “generosity”, “healthy life expectancy”, and “freedom to make life choices”, are influenced by things outside the conscientious exercise of personal agency. Our decision to donate to a cause might be affected by something as arbitrary as gender norms or whether you are told someone else gave a donation.4 You may be predisposed to chronic illnesses regardless of how hard you try to stay healthy.5 The choices we are “free” can hardly be called “free”, such as when systemic discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity creates barriers to “choosing” to seek out healthcare services.6 There are other examples, but the fact that these were the variables used by a major global study tells us something about to what extent we can claim responsibility for the happiness we feel at any given time.

None of this implies a disregard of personal liability, and it is still true that we must exercise accountability for our choices. Accountability to legitimate social expectations (e.g. others expecting you not to steal from them) and to personal principles (e.g. valuing honesty) is critical not only to a functioning society but to living authentically. Having a sense of responsibility over our lives means we can exert influence over our lives, and by extension flourish in ways that are authentically ours – a capacity that is essential to happiness.7 But not everything is your responsibility. Contracting the COVID-19 virus can happen no matter how cautious you are. Being stuck in homes that hurt you because of quarantine restrictions, and the lack of feasible alternatives, is often more about circumstances outside your control. Sticking to a job that is making you sick is still less risky than seeking a new job elsewhere, especially when even short-term joblessness puts you and your dependents at so much risk. Happiness requires that this sensibility be exercised with restraint – and this, at least, we can always do.

Psychological flexibility is a key variable to happiness.

What does “exercising restraint” look like? This starts with discerning what is and isn’t within our control.

It means identifying what we can reasonably be accountable for, a part of a lifelong effort of balancing between our desire to live authentically and the reality of living in contexts of less-than-ideal choices.

This balance is achieved, among other things, by what is called “psychological flexibility”. In the most basic sense, this means “the ability to adapt in response to changes in external or internal circumstances”.8 It has been rightly called “a fundamental aspect of health” and involves a process where a person “adapts to fluctuating situational demands … reconfigures mental resources … shifts perspective … [and] balances competing desires, needs, and life domains.”9 Here, this means allowing for more nuance in understanding and implementing our sense of responsibility in situations fraught with ambiguity. We can start with two questions.

1. Are you actually responsible for the things you hold yourself accountable?

We have all had to face disturbing situations. To use a personal experience, it may have been losing a loved one to COVID-19. You may believe you did not get them the care they needed in time, or could not get them care at all because you had no means to do so. True, what they received may have been too little or too late. But to indulge in self-blame is problematic in at least three ways. First, it assumes that their wellbeing was your sole responsibility. Contributing to another’s wellbeing is not the same as taking ownership of their wellbeing. Second, it assumes that the failure is your own. As a public health issue, this cannot be stressed enough: our social institutions are governed along the system of the nation-state, and things such as providing comprehensive healthcare is the obligation of the state and not of any one person. Third, the blame assumes that you should have been better prepared. Speaking again from personal experience, there is no way to adequately prepare for something like this, not financially (given the country’s serious problems with labor and privatized healthcare) and certainly not emotionally. It is true they didn’t receive the care they needed. But it is equally true that it wasn’t entirely yours to give.

The blame can be subtler. You may blame yourself for failing in a career task, or some personal goal. Maybe you were unable to maintain important bonds, like a romantic partner. Anyway, the underlying assumptions are the same. You may be taking ownership for something that isn’t yours alone. Relationships, for example, evidently involve more than one person, and responsibility is shared as such. You may believe that the failure of the situation was entirely on you. Within businesses and organizations, there is actually only so much an individual can rightfully be held responsible for: an individual’s failure to complete can also be an organization’s failure to consider what a task really entails under these extraordinary circumstances. Or you may believe that you could have prepared more. While that might be true, remember that hindsight is 20-20, and also that the psychological strain of a global crisis has had a real effect on the decisions we made.10

2. Can you be kinder to yourself for not succeeding in what you were responsible for?

Strange as it sounds, it is easier to blame ourselves. Personal failure assumes the possibility of its opposite: personal success. If only the circumstances were different! There is some pleasure in considering alternative outcomes where you come out with a strong finish. But that pleasure is not the same as happiness. The circumstances were as they were; it can never be anything other than what it was. More fundamentally, it is difficult to accept that such a “success”, however we envisioned it, was not possible given what you had and what you knew at the time. Not finishing strong, and barely making it, may have been the only logical outcome. It may have even been the best outcome, as even bigger failures may have been more likely than even smaller successes. This is not a fun thing to realize.

Responding to a clear personal failure – the kind which not only cuts deep and could not have been anything else – is no small pleasure. But taking a position of kindness in response to these failures, called “self-compassion”, is fundamental to happiness.

So consider: can you be kinder to yourself for not living up to your expectations? Can you be kinder to yourself for not succeeding in what you were responsible for?

As we enter a phase which foresees an “end” to the pandemic’s sudden and major upheavals, it is important to exercise as much of this flexibility as possible, so we might carry with us a sense of our capacities unburdened by a sense of responsibility that is kinder and more understanding.

Sources:

  1. See Table 2.1 in Helliwell, J.H., Layard, R., Sachs, J.D., De Neve, J., Aknin, L.B., and Wang, S. (2022). World Happiness Report 2022. Sustainable Development Solutions Network. Retrieved from: https://worldhappiness.report/.
  2. Ibid
  3. Koukouli, S., Vlachonikolis, I. and Philalithis, A. (2002). Socio-demographic factors and self-reported funtional status: the significance of social support. In BMC Health Services Research, 2(20). DOI: 10.1186/1472-6963-2-20.
  4. Allen, S. (2018). The Science of Generosity. Great Good Science Center, UC Berkeley. Retrieved from:  https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Generosity-FINAL.pdf.
  5. Wehby, G.L., Domingue, B.W., and Wolinsky, F.D. (2018). Genetic Risks for Chronic Conditions: Implications for Long-term Wellbeing. In Journals of Gerontology Series A: Biological Sciences and Medical Sciences, 73(4), 477-483. DOI: 10.1093/gerona/glx154.
  6.  See Subsection on “Barriers to Accessing Healthcare” in Chapter 2 of Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Health Issues and Research Gaps and Opportunities (2011). The Health of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender People: Building a Foundation for Better Understanding. DOI: 10.17226/13128. Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64806. 
  7.  Koydemir, S., Şimşek, Ö.F., Kuzgun, T.B., and Schütz, A. (2020). Feeling special, feeling happy: Authenticity mediates the relationship between sense of uniqueness and happiness. In Current Psychology, 39, 1589–1599. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-018-9865-z.
  8. Stange, J. P., Alloy, L. B., & Fresco, D. M. (2017). Inflexibility as a Vulnerability to Depression: A Systematic Qualitative Review. In Clinical psychology: a publication of the Division of Clinical Psychology of the American Psychological Association, 24(3), 245–276. DOI: 10.1111/cpsp.12201.
  9.  Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. In Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. DOI: 10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001.
  10. Tarantino, V., Tasca, I., Giannetto, N., Mangano, G.R., Turriziani, P., and Oliveri, M. (2021). Impact of Perceived Stress and Immune Status on Decision-Making Abilities during COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown. In Behavioral Sciences, 11(12), 167. DOI: 10.3390/bs11120167.
  11. Neff, K.D., Rude, S.S., and Kirkpatrick, K.L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. In Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 908-916. DOI: 10.1016/j.jrp.2006.08.002.

 

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving

Making Space for Me: Gifting Ourselves with a Deep Reset this Holiday Season

reset

We bade 2020 with a jubilant good-bye perhaps not realizing how 2021 would present even greater challenges and disruptions in our fight against Covid-19. Those of us who continued to work from home have struggled with blurred work-life boundaries, leading to stress and exhaustion, for some even burnout. We had to endure another year of limited face-to-face contact with our friends and co-workers, which has led to deeper feelings of isolation and loneliness. Parents working from home have to make it through the daily hurdles of managing family life along with increased work demands.  A Harvard Business Review survey among 1500 workers in 46 countries found that 85% reported a decline in their general wellbeing since the start of Covid-19. Survey respondents cited mental health decline, increased job demands, basic physical needs, home-life struggles, and isolation, and disengagement from work as some of the top contributors to this drop in wellbeing. In light of these pressing realities, self-care practice has become a daily necessity in order to facilitate stress recovery and prevent physical and mental illness.  

As the year ends and we begin to down-shift  into the holiday season, we should not lose sight of the opportunity we have to pause and provide ourselves the space and time for a deep reset. Many of us have probably become all too familiar with living on overdrive and powering through to get things done. We want to be a person that others can rely on, to be seen as competent,  and make a significant contribution to the endeavors we are a part of. However, neglecting our need for replenishment, not taking our wellbeing seriously, can work against our aspirations to grow and thrive. We can ask ourselves, do I just want to keep my motor going frantically on high speed until my tank runs empty and breaks down, or can I drive at a safe speed and allow myself moments of stopping and filling-up so that I can enjoy the ride? The choice is ours to make. And as we contemplate on  this question, we can take inspiration from beloved poet, Mary Oliver, reminding us of what it means “to go easy” on ourselves.     

When I am Among the Trees

Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”

Going easy on ourselves does not mean complacency and not taking responsibility. It means making space for Me to connect with my best self, with the goodness and light that allows us to give from the wise and compassionate center that is in each one of us. It is not only for ourselves that we need to go easy. It is also for the people we love and care about because constantly hurrying through the world makes it impossible for us to truly pay attention and be present.  

Author and meditation teacher, Larry Ward, said, “We need to design our life so we can wake-up.” Making space for Me this holiday break and beyond means making time in our life to “walk among trees”—that is, to experience the voluntary simplicity of slow and quiet moments that are so essential to the process of growing and becoming whole. We can design our life so that we can wake up from the trance of getting stuck with mindless doing. This holiday season, we can give ourselves the gift of a deep reset, fostering recovery and healing for our mind, body, and spirit so that we can step into the next year feeling renewed from the inside out.

Ways to Get Into a Deep Reset this Holiday Break

1. Unplug

Give yourself at least a few days to completely unplug from work. Stow-away your laptop, turn off notifications on your devices, and give yourself a break from incessantly checking text messages. Our habits of constant busyness and stimulation can tax our nervous systems, leading to chronic stress. Unplugging means stepping out of the stress reactivity cycle, giving ourselves room to rest and restore our energy.

2. Play

According to Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.”  Play is a very rejuvenating experience that needs to be part of our life regardless of age. Being in play mode fosters the nervous system’s relaxation response and allows us to release emotional and physical tension. Engaging in play cultivates our creativity, which includes the ability to see new perspectives or approach problems from a unique angle. We can play by making time to fully enjoy a hobby, doing something that doesn’t require “efforting”, or jumping into having fun with others and letting go of worries even for a moment. 

3. Connect

Human beings are hard-wired for connection. Experiencing positive and meaningful connection both with ourselves and others is deeply restorative. This holiday break, make time for attentive and warm conversations, plan to have ample time to be with a loved one or someone whose presence gives you joy, connect with nature by taking a quiet walk or hike in a place where you can enjoy nature views. 

4. Reflect

The practice of reflecting is a way of looking into ourselves and our experiences from a place of genuine curiosity, openness, and kindness. It’s not about picking on our mistakes or hyper-focusing on our weaknesses. Reflecting can be our way of inviting ourselves into a space of gratefulness, stopping to appreciate all the conditions of happiness that are in our life that we tend to lose sight of when we are too busy. It can also mean allowing ourselves to quiet our minds to be clearer about what truly matters to us. We can reflect by journaling, reading books or listening to podcasts that inspire and deepen our hope, and by participating in online retreats.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Restorative Practices Wellbeing Practices

Wellbeing Begins with Pausing

Pause

Many of us have been running all our lives. Practice stopping. 

Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master 

I find myself writing this article at the end of a five-day total voice rest, part of my physician’s prescription to address throat problems which have been affecting me lately. Although the prescription came along with some medication, my wise doctor cautioned, it will not work without resting. That conversation landed on me with a very mixed bag of thoughts and feelings. There was worry, “Will I be ok? Will this treatment work? How will I do this when I’m scheduled for at least a couple of months ahead?” I remember shame and self-judgment being present too, “How could I have let this happen to myself? The inner self-talk jumped in on the chatter with self-blame, “I’m a mental health professional, I should have known how to take better care of myself. I should be better at practicing what I teach.” And yet, on the other side of the worry and self-criticism, I felt relief and freedom, even joy, at the thought of an unplanned rest. This is what’s in my heart that I’ve really wanted but have not had enough courage to do without “justification.” As I let the inner whirling slow down and the sediments of my thoughts and emotions gradually settled, I started to feel a sense of gratitude that life is patiently and lovingly teaching me once again–pausing is a pre-condition for healing and wellbeing.

I love long breaks. I’ve always cherished being able to take two to three weeks off from work and getting a deep system reset. But while these have worked very well for me, I’m learning more and more that cultivating wellbeing is really about embracing the habit of pausing and slowing down in our everyday life, mindfully weaving it into the fiber of our moment-to-moment existence. Pausing and resting are not supposed to be merely an appendix to our busy and over-scheduled lives. We know from how the human nervous system functions that having the discipline to pause is necessary in sustaining a generative and meaningful life.

Without pausing, our stress levels rise, we start living on survival mode and stray away from living in our zone of resilience where we can be our wisest and most skillful self.

Ultimately, cumulative micro-pauses, can do more for our wellbeing than sporadic long breaks. The essential turning point in establishing the pause practice is being able to transform our way of seeing and understanding—that making space for being is not separate from our doing. Our actions, projects, and goals are enhanced, not threatened, by pausing. 

“Design your life so you have time to wake up.”

Dr. Larry Ward, Spiritual Teacher

Waking-up means being able to pay attention, be present, think clearly and creatively, and live from our place of deepest potential. This is opposed to being on auto-pilot mode, in which we are stuck in a habit loop of constant doing, activity, and distraction.  We can re-design our life to embrace micro-pauses and be more intentional in stopping for simple moments of rest. Stop, take a moment to review your day from the moment you awaken in the morning to the time you go to bed, what micro-pauses can you begin to incorporate throughout the day? Start with a few pause practices, particularly those that you can do consistently (you may try the ones below) and observe how it makes a difference in your life.

Ten Micro-Pauses for Everyday Life

  1. Instead of rushing out of bed in the morning, practice one minute of mindful breathing to start the day. This can be a powerful reminder that you always have a choice not to be carried away by habits of mindlessness.
  2. Pause for an intention. Before getting out of bed, ask yourself, what is one thing that can make this day truly worthwhile?
  3. Take your morning shower without running the day’s agenda through your head. Make this a moment to refresh your body and mind. 
  4. Take a few seconds to savor the taste and aroma of your first sip of coffee in the morning or simple open your senses to that first sip of water and how it nourishes your body.    
  5. Before opening your email or checking messages on your phone, stop, remind yourself that you control these devices and not the other way around. Throughout the day, practice pausing before reaching out for your phone to recognize that we don’t always have to fill our quiet moments by seeking for distraction. 
  6. Pause and stretch your body every couple of hours at work. Stretching gives your body the space to be acknowledged and relieved of tension, tightness, and pain that comes from sitting and working continuously. 
  7. Give yourself a sufficient lunch break so that you can eat mindfully, not rushing into a meeting or task. Mindful eating aids in healthy digestion and absorption of nutrients for your body and mind. 
  8. Stop to connect. Connect with yourself though a 3-center check in (What’s going on in my body? My emotions? My thoughts?). Connect with a co-worker by checking-in or talking about a non-work topic. Enjoy brief spontaneous moments of connection with family members.   
  9. Have a playful and relaxing moment. At the end of the workday, plug into a short activity that gives you joy—cook leisurely, do some artwork, play a game with your kids, take an evening walk, write on your journal, read a book. 
  10.   End the day with a moment to contemplate on gratitude. Ask yourself, what worked well for me today and why? By pausing to redirect our attention to positive events and experiences, we balance our perspective to see the wonder of our life. 

Which of these would you be willing to practice today?

Learn more about wellbeing practices through any of our webinars. Contact us today to learn more.