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To hear and be heard: ideas for meaningful conversations for nurturing life

The month of September is celebrated globally as Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month. To learn more about suicide and how we can support each-other, see this article. If you need to talk to someone or if you are in need of urgent help, please proceed to the nearest hospital emergency room, or proceed to the end of this article for the contact numbers of various local 24/7 crisis lines.

Stereotypes aside, as an organization providing psychological care, We Thrive’s work admittedly has a lot to do with conversations. It is something we take for granted, not always realizing that this very peculiar human capacity is one of the building blocks of human civilization (Crystal et al., 2023). Conversations are also one of the building blocks of human life: as psychologist Lucy Foulkes puts it, when conversations “allow us to learn something important about ourselves, about the other person, or about the world” (Foulkes, 2021), truly remarkable things happen. Such conversations, when they are “meaningful”, can turn even otherwise mundane chatter (what we label “small talk”) into subtle gateways for deeper interactions (Macquire, 2023). They make possible the flourishing of all those aspects of being human: sensing and holding our emotions (Lieberman et al., 2007), articulating the various aspects of the self (McLean and Morrison-Cohen, 2013), developing new behaviors and perspectives (Albright et al., 2016), relieving and easing painful experiences (Kardas, Kumar, and Epley, 2021), making sense of life as a whole (Tarbi et al., 2021), and much more. Speech of this kind has a literal healing effect, hence the well-earned stereotypical predominance of “talk therapy” methods in clinical psychological practice (Lindberg, 2023).  As social beings, as author Arthur Dobrin puts it: “With conversation, we find a place where we belong” (Dobrin, 2011).

In our ongoing observance of Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month, we want to offer some practical points for reflection for having meaningful conversations, particularly those you want to check in on and support through difficult experiences.

The look and feel of a meaningful conversation

The main feature of a meaningful conversation is the experience of being “heard” — an experience which is, without exaggeration, “one of the most basic, yet potent needs we have as social beings” (Fowler, 2022). Most of us know from personal experience how painful not being heard can be, and how influential it can affect our own ability to hear others. Not being heard can have many precipitating factors: maybe there are basic differences in communication style (Khiron Clinic, 2021); or maybe the capacities of one or both people in the conversation to hold big or uncomfortable feelings are limited (Brosch, 2015). It could be some other factor, like adverse childhood experiences (Zlate, 2020), which are not within our present control. Whatever the case, when we are not heard, some of our most fundamental needs — the needs to feel that “we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are acknowledged, and that we have something to share” (Nichols, 1995) — cannot be met.

So how do we get to meaningful conversations where we feel taken seriously, acknowledged, and feel that what we share has value? We may be tempted to offer advice right away or resort to offering affirmation.

But “problem-solving” is not the same as “hearing”, and our impulse to give instructions or shoo away difficult feelings with aspirations of pleasantness, while usually very well-intentioned, may not reflect the other person’s true needs. This is what is often meant by “toxic positivity”: when the resolution to be quote-unquote “happy” is not grounded in the present reality which might demand more emotional complexity.

So having said that, what does “hearing” actually look like? Thankfully, a few scholars have looked into this. In a series of studies, the concept of being “heard” — described by the authors succinctly as “a key variable of our time”, given our modern propensities for distractions — was operationalized according to five components (Roos, Postmes, and Koudenburg, 2021). Here, we will present how these were understood and some points for reflection to guide how we apply these to making our conversations truly meaningful. 

  1. Recognizing our “voice”. This is about “being able to express myself freely, that is, being able to say what I want to say.” In meaningful conversations, there must be that sense that, while some social filters might be appropriate in any given situation, we are able to say what we think or feel without fear of being criticized, demeaned, or thought poorly of. It is the sense that, right or wrong aside, what we say is welcomed.

Reflection: In our conversations, do we offer a sense of security that allows the other person to say what they need to say, and that we are willing and able to welcome what they say — even if they’re about something difficult and uncertain?

  1. Receiving “attention”. This is about feeling that the other person “focused their attention on what I said”. In meaningful conversations, there is a conscious effort to home in on the details, verbal or otherwise. It is the sense that what we say merits curiosity, and that there is a richness in what is being said that is worth patiently drawing out.

Reflection: In our conversations, do we offer expressions of interest that communicate to the other person that what they have to say is important, and that we really want to understand them?

  1. Receiving “empathy”. This is the perception that “the other tried to take my perspective and emotionally understand me.” In meaningful conversations, the affective contents of what we say — not just the words, but the conditions that led us to say what we say — are appreciated. It is the sense that the other person is resonating with us at a level that is deeper than the dictionary definitions of our statements, and that we are allowed to speak with more vulnerability, confident that, at the minimum, our vulnerability will be cared for.

Reflection: In our conversations, does our presence invite the other person to let their guard down, even a little, so that what they say communicates more truthfully what their hearts dictate? (At least to the extent possible, given the circumstance. Emotions are complex, after all!)

  1. Receiving “respect”. This is the feeling that the other person “valued what I said (my voice) and me as a person”. In meaningful conversations, while all human activity is prone to human errors of misunderstanding, we are taken and honored as we are. It is the sense that whatever prejudices there may be are set aside — or at least owned up to, honestly — and that the interaction is grounded in a commitment to the fact that we are human beings deserving of compassion.

Reflection: In our conversations, does our approach show the other person that we accept and honor them as they are, however and whatever they may be?

  1. Experiencing “common ground”. This is the perception that we can “understand each other’s point of view”. In meaningful conversations, there is a kind of exchange that allows both people’s perspectives to be influenced in a constructive way, allowing not just greater understanding of the nuances of these differences, but a greater appreciation of how such differences can lead to the same goals of cultivating a more meaningful life. While there may be significant divergences in the way we come to our conclusions, these conclusions are ultimately grounded on a desire for the greatest good — and that our conception of the “good” can be deepened and strengthened by one-another.

Reflection: In our conversations, do we communicate an openness to hearing the other person’s views, and an openness for our own views to be positively influenced by them?

Being able to initiate and sustain such a potent human activity is one of our best means for promoting healing for ourselves and one-another. By cultivating these five components, we can be better placed to leverage the power of conversations to cultivate human flourishing both within and beyond our difficult experiences.

For mental health support services, email us at resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com or contact us to sign-up for sessions with our mental health clinicians.

If you need to talk to someone or if you are in need of urgent help, please proceed to the nearest hospital emergency room, or call these 24/7 crisis lines:

DOH-NCMH Hotline

0917-899-USAP (8727)

0966-351-4518

0908-639-2672

(02) 7-989-USAP (8727)

1553

Hopeline PH

0917-558-HOPE (4673)

0918-873-4673 (HOPE)

(02) 8-804-HOPE (4673)

2919

In Touch Crisis Line

0917-800-1123

0922-893-8944

(02) 8-8937603

References (in order of appearance):

  1. https://wethrivewellbeing.com/world-suicide-prevention-day-responding-to-suicide-with-resilience-and-compassion/ 
  2. https://www.britannica.com/topic/language 
  3. https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-have-more-meaningful-conversations 
  4. https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/how-to-make-small-talk/ 
  5. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/talk-therapy#how-effective 
  6. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17576282/ 
  7. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15283488.2013.776498 
  8. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5344154/ 
  9. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspa0000281.pdf 
  10. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0738399121003335 
  11. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/am-i-right/201112/conversation-makes-us-human 
  12. https://thedmcclinic.ie/blog-the-importance-of-being-heard/ 
  13. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/listen-up-why-you-dont-feel-heard-in-your-relationship-0810154  
  14. https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/adverse-childhood-experiences-and-interpersonal-relationships 
  15. https://www.compassionate.center/docs/Why-listening-is-so-important.pdf 
https://psyarxiv.com/73jgn
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving

Pag-unawa sa ating layunin: mga ideya mula sa Sikolohiyang Pilipino

Pilipino

Isa sa mga pinakaimportanteng aspeto ng trabaho namin sa We Thrive ay ang

pagsuporta sa sa mga indibidwal at mga organisasyon para mas mabuo ang kanilang kakayahang intindihin, himayin, at isakatuparan ang kanilang mga layunin.

Lahat tayo ay may sarili nating layunin, at lahat tayo ay may sarili nating paglalakbay patungo kung saan-man tayo pinapadala ng layunin na ‘to. Ang pagtuklas nito ay pwedeng mangyayari sa pagsusuri sa kung ano ba talaga ang mahalaga sa sarili nating buhay; sa pag-unawa ng ating mga kakayahan natin, at kung para saan ba talaga yung mga nasasabing “skills” and “talents” na ‘yon; at sa pagbibigay ng oras at lakas sa serbisyo ng tinatawag na “greater cause”, katulad ng relihyon, kabansaan, at iba pa (Suttie, 2020). Kung anuman yan, alam natin na yung pagkilala ng ating layunin sa buhay — or sa ibang salita, “sense of purpose” — ay nakabuti sa ating kabuoang kalusugan (Whitbourne, 2023). Sa sarili nating salita: ang “sense of purpose” ay nakakabuti sa ating “pagkatao”, o ang pagkakila at pag-isabuhay ng ating “shared humanity”; at ang ating “pakikipagkapwatao”, o ang pagpapakita ng ating pag-unawa ng pagkatao ng iba sa ating pakikipag-ugnayan sa kanila (Lagdameo-Santillan, 2018). Sa ating kultura, importante ang dalawang aspeto na ito sa ating pang-araw-araw na pagbubunyag ng ating layunin sa buhay.

Ang kagandahan sa ating wika ay pwede pa nating mas laliman ang ideya na ito. Sa mga pag-aaral sa Sikolohiyang Pilipino, isa sa mga natunan natin ay kayang ibuod ang usapan tungkol sa layunin sa buhay sa ating karanasan ng pagkatao at pakikipagkapwatao. Sa kulturang Pilipino, ang “shared humanity” — ang ideya na nakasalalay ang ating karanasan bilang indibidwal sa konsepto na tayo ay isang bahagi na bumubuo sa isang mas malaking nilalang — ay hindi lamang natutunan pero sinasabuhay. Isa pang tawag sa oryentasyon ng isang kultura tungo sa pangkalahatan ay “collectivist” (Suh and Lee, 2020). At kitang-kita ito sa wika natin mismo. Sa isang pag-aaral na sinulat ng propesor ng pilosopiya na si Jacklyn Cleofas: “The focus on kápuwâ is so important that it is a central feature of the language; the prefix ka- specifically derives from kápuwâ and is used to form nouns that denote companion or fellow in some specific domain or activity” (Cleofas, 2016). Ka-patid, ka-klase, ka-biyak, ka-irog, — ang aspeto ng “kapwa” o “kapuwa” ay isa sa mga nagbubuo ng konsepto natin ng ating mga kaugnayan sa iba at sa ating sarili. Karagdagan sa puntong ito, sinipi ni propesor Jacklyn Cleofas sa kanyang pag-aral ang iba pang mga sikolohista na umakda sa librong “Social Psychology in the Philippine Context”, kung saan sinabi na: “the core descriptive concept for Filipino psychology is relational rather than personality or value-laden” (Macapagal et al. 2013, 13). Sa ibang salita: ang puso ng sikolohiya ng Pilipino ay nasa ating pakikipag-ugnayan sa iba.

Maliban sa paghatid at pagtanggap ng impormasyon, isa sa mga pinakaimportanteng tungkulin ng wika ay bilang instrumento sa pagkikilala sa ating sarili at sa ibang tao — sa ating pagkatao at sa pagkatao ng iba (Britannica, 2023). Kung makikinig tayo sa bigat na binibigay nito sa konsepto at karanasan ng “kapwa”, ano kaya ang pwede natin matunan sa sarili nating wika tungkol sa ating layunin sa buhay at yung bumubuo sa ating “pagkatao”? Para sa Buwan ng Wika, magbibigay tayo ng tatlong maiikling pagninilayan ukol sa ating mga “paninindigan” o “convictions” na inilista ng tinatawag na “Father of Filipino Psychology” na si Dr. Virgilio Enriquez sa isang papel na pinamagatan “Filipino Psychology in the Third World” na inilathala nuong 1977 (Enriquez, 1977):

“Paggalang” o respect

Sa pang-araw-araw, tayo ay nagbibigay-galang sa mga iba’t ibang mga tao (katulad sa mga mas nakakatanda sa atin sa pamilya), mga bagay (katulad ng mga mana’t manang gamit o “heirloom”), at mga pinaniniwalaan (katulad ng relihiyon). Ginagalang natin ang mga ito kasi, sa iba’t ibang paraan, importante sila. Kaya gusto natin siyang ingatan, ayaw natin siyang sayangin, at iba pa. Pwede natin tanungin ang ating mga sarili kung bakit nga ba natin ginagalang ang mga ito. Bakit nga ba sila importante? Paano ba natin ito ginagalang? At ang paggalang ba natin sa mga ito ay nakakabuti sa ating buhay, o kaya’y ang ating paggalang ay posibleng humahadlang sa ating tunay na layunin sa buhay?

“Pagdamay” o helping

Sa orihinal na papel ni Enriquez, ang pagsasalin sa “pagdamay” ay “helping”. At totoo naman na ang pagtulong ay isang aspeto ng pakikiramay. Pero sa ating wika, pag sinasabi na “damay” tayo sa isang tao o sitwasyon, hindi lang ibig-sabihin na nagbibigay tayo ng suporta sa usapan ng pera o gamit lamang. Ang pagdamay ay mas malalim pa dun, sapagkat ang binibigay natin ay ang ating oras at lakas — ang ating pagkatao. Pwede natin tanungin ang ating mga sarili kung paano ba tayo nakikiramay. Bakit ba tayo nakikiramay, at paano ba natin pinagdedesisyunan kung kanino tayo makikiramay? At anong mga aspeto ng ating pagkatao ba yung ating inaalok pag tayo ay nakikiramay?

“Pagpuno sa kakulangan” o understanding limitations

Isa sa mga punto ng ating pagkatao ay meron tayong mga limitasyon. May mga limitasyon tayo sa ating mga kakayahan, kaalaman, at kagalawan. Meron din tayong mga limitasyon sa atin kaisipan, karamdaman, at kiling. At siguro ang pinakaimportanteng limitasyon: balang araw, magtatapos ang ating buhay. May hangganan hindi lamang ang mga bagay na kaya nating baguhin o likhain, pero pati na rin ang ating oras mismo sa mundo. Pwede natin tanungin ang ating mga sarili kung paano ba natin nauunawan ang ating mga kakulangan. Ano ang mga kakulangan sa ating buhay na pwede nating asikasuhin tungo sa ating layunin? Paano natin malalaman kung anong mga kakulangan sa atin ay dapat sikapin nating ibago, o dapat sikapin nating tanggapin? At ano nga ba ang kailangan nating maranasan at matupad sa buhay nating may hangganan?

Para sa mga serbisyo ukol sa ating mental health at pangkabuoang kalusugan, mag-email sa resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com at kausapin para makilahok sa aming mga aktibidad kasama ang aming mga mental health clinicians.

References (in order of appearance)

  1. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_find_your_purpose_in_life 
  2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/202305/what-gives-your-life-a-sense-of-purpose 
  3. https://www.pressenza.com/2018/07/roots-of-filipino-humanism-1kapwa/ 
  4. https://archium.ateneo.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1012&context=philo-faculty-pubs 
  5. https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_2017 
  6. https://www.britannica.com/topic/language 
  7. https://www.pssc.org.ph/wp-content/pssc-archives/Philippine%20Journal%20of%20Psychology/2002/07_Filipino%20Psychology%20in%20the%20Third%20World.pdf
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving

Lolo’t Lola, Pasensya na po!: Becoming a mindful caregiver for your elderly loved ones

elderly

“Itao mo nga ‘ka ko ro tubig, Mi– ayy… Joshua!” [in Kinaray-a]
(“Can you please pass the water, Mi- ayyy… Joshua!?”)

“Ayy, pasensya na nakalimutan kong idaan yung tubig kanina.”(“Ayy, apologies, I forgot to [have the store refill the water] earlier.”)

I’ve heard my grandparents say these things in different variations and in many situations. In my experience thus far, my grandparents tend to forget about what to say next, where they placed their own belongings, or even remembering a conversation that ended just hours before. The funniest thing I’ve encountered is when my lola would mistake my name for a different family member’s. I’ve been called “Miggy” (my older brother), “Gaby” (my female cousin), “Jojo” (my uncle) or some other name. Others may find this annoying, but I fully understand.

At a certain age, it is no surprise that there are things that the elderly in our families can no longer do, at least the way they used to when they were younger. We can easily overlook this fact because we may have our own things going on for us – work, school, personal lives, stress, responsibilities, goals, you name it. But for most, if not all, of us, we may be placed in the position or an expectation to provide support and care for our elderly loved ones at home.

How does aging affect us in late adulthood?

Aging is a natural process in our lives. It involves a considerable amount of changes that occur in ourselves in different aspects such as: changes in the body, our cognitive abilities, our emotional experiences, our social life, and our overall lifestyle.

Particularly, for our lolos, lolas, and all our other elderly loved ones – like, partners, relatives, friends, peers, and colleagues – these changes can look like (DiLonardo, 2023):

  1. Cognitive functions are not as sharp as before. You may notice that lolo and lola may sometimes have bouts of forgetfulness, like where they put their belongings or what day of the week it is. They may also have moments when they have tip-of-the-tongue instances as they talk. Perhaps, they may have trouble learning or remembering pieces of information, like what was said in a conversation or what they heard from the TV. Whatever the case, their abilities to process, store, and retrieve information may be impaired or declined compared to their younger selves. However, while memory and cognitive abilities may not be as sharp, it is not to say that we cannot provide them with tools to optimize and mitigate the decline of these functions.
  2. Their physical health may be more prone to illness. Because our bodily and organ functions naturally change over time, there is an increased tendency for sickness and other medical conditions. For example, the common health concerns among the elderly include cardiovascular concerns, like changes in blood pressure or in blood sugar levels. We may even notice that they might need to have more check-ups with their doctors, or have medications that they regularly intake, especially when it comes to maintaining their health optimally.
  3. Their bodily functions and movements may be different than before. Some bodily movements may not be the same as they were. They may have trouble maintaining their balance and gait, or carrying heavier objects is much more difficult. Perhaps, their eyesight and hearing is much weaker. Or that once active lifestyle, like working, traveling, or playing sports, may not be so active anymore. Whatever the case, the body tends to gradually slow down into lesser intensities or frequencies of activity at an old age.
  4. Maintaining relationships with their loved ones, friends, and peers. At late adulthood, we can expect that there will be changes to how their social spheres are like. They may have maintained some connections with lifelong friends and peers, while other connections may have been cut off or inactive. They may also experience frequent losses, like death of a loved one or friend, but perhaps some gains are there too. At late adulthood, we tend to seek value in the relationships we have maintained, as well as the emotional experiences that come along with it.
  5. And lastly, they focus on embracing and appreciating what time they perceive to have left. It may not be expressed explicitly for some, but late adulthood often entails a change in priorities of what experiences we prefer to go through and how we make sense of them. Longstanding research works have shown that as we age, our goals and priorities shift from wanting to explore, gain knowledge, and grow to wanting to find emotional meaning behind our experiences.

We may not notice these changes right away, but there will be certain points that become critical for us to mindfully pay attention to when and how they unfold. Some impacts of these changes could be negative, some positive, and even some neutral. But, the next step to noticing these changes is to maintain whatever positive aspects in an elderly’s life and, more importantly, manage the negative ones.

What challenges does aging bring to the elderly and their families?

Because of these multifactorial changes in the lives of the elderly, we can keep in mind that there are things that challenge our elderly loved ones in this stage of their lives. Some common examples of these are (Rodriguez, 2022):

  • Basic tasks and activities for daily living become much more difficult to do independently.
  • Taking care of one’s health and wellbeing can become challenging, overwhelming, or stressful.
  • Managing one’s own responsibilities, roles, and contributions to the family is a lot more exhausting or difficult than before.
  • Not being able to do any pleasurable activities as frequently or intensely as they were once were engaged in.
  • Becoming easily irritable, agitated, or worried, perhaps with the smallest of things (e.g., having a clean house) or bigger ones (e.g., their health or illness).
  • Having tendencies to feel left out, misunderstood, lonely, isolated, or a “burden” to others, which may cause tensions and rifts in their relationships (i.e., in the family).

This is why it is important to provide them with support and care in dealing with these challenges and difficulties. Whether or not we are motivated by our values, culture, and our familial roles, it is important for us to recognize what influences us to care for our elderly. We can keep in mind that these values could help us understand and appreciate the changes and the lived experiences of our elderly loved ones – which is an essential step to providing genuine care.

What gets in the way of caring for my elderly loved one?

Caring for an elderly loved one can be challenging for the caregivers at times. You may notice that there were moments that your lolo or lola asked for something from you suddenly, especially when you’re not prepared for it. Or perhaps you also found it difficult to fulfill that request because it was too difficult or was not possible at the moment.

It is helpful to acknowledge that, in these situations, there are factors that are within your control that can help facilitate providing care more effectively for your elderly loved ones. But there are also barriers that may get in the way of these. And so, what are these?

  1. We don’t have enough resources, skills, and support to provide care for the elderly. (e.g., not knowing what to say or do in return when they’re unexpectedly upset, etc.)
  2. We have negative biases and assumptions about the elderly. (e.g., “Kapag matanda, mahirap umintindi.”, feelings of helplessness, etc.)
  3. We’re unaware of how our emotional responses to the elderly affect us and them altogether. (e.g., lashing out instead of calmly responding to their requests, etc.)
  4. We have unmet needs that get in the way of attending to another’s needs. (e.g., needing rest after a long day of work, etc.)
  5. We do not remind ourselves of our own limits and boundaries as a person. (e.g., giving all our time and energy to providing care to them; not allowing time for self-care and recreation, etc.)

When these barriers are present, it becomes more difficult for us to attune and respond to our elderly loved one’s needs. Sometimes it can cause a strain into our relationship with them, which can perpetuate tension and emotional distress (Perez et al., 2022). This is what we call compassion fatigue. When we don’t pay attention to these barriers, compassion fatigue can show up as:

  • Having frequent arguments or disagreements with our elderly loved ones;
  • Become less patient or unforgiving towards their behaviors and attitudes;
  • Neglect roles or responsibilities we committed to them and ourselves as a family member;
  • Automatically labeling their needs as a burden rather than seeing something valid in them;
  • Being critical about ourselves and who we are as caregivers or family members;
  • Becoming tired or burned out, or even neglecting our own personal needs.

Pause, step back, and observe

How can we manage and remove these barriers towards caring for our elderly? One of the best ways we can explore and answer these questions is to apply a bit of mindfulness – which is the capacity to notice our thoughts and feelings without judgment – in our approach. Try this out:

  1. Pay attention to your emotional and bodily response. Notice what parts of you feel tense and relaxed.
  2. Take a deep breath, and mentally step back from the situation. Notice what thoughts were factual (ex. “Lola, needs me to lift up the laundry basket.”) and what were judgments (ex. “Lola is being loud and annoying.”).
  3. For the factual thoughts, ask and briefly answer: “What is being asked of me? And how can I provide that with the resources and energy I have right now?”
  4. For the judgments, ask and briefly answer: “Where is this coming from? What barriers are up right now and what can I do about them?”
  5. After reflecting on these questions, apply mindfulness – which is just noticing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Then, decide on the best course of action to respond to your lolo or lola’s needs, ex. “Which actions will make it better or worse?”: “What actions can improve or worsen the situation?”

You may not get the hang of it right away – and that’s okay! Constantly and mindfully practicing this skill can help you navigate through caregiving decisions, especially when they become immediate, unexpected, or stressful (Perez et al., 2022). What’s just as important is that you remind yourself why you care for your lolo and lola and help yourself find a way to take down your barriers.

Adopting a lovingkindness approach to our elderly loved ones

In many studies, it has proven mindfulness has improved outcomes for both the elderly, who receive care, and the caregiver. Constant practice of mindfulness that incorporates a sense of compassion, kindness, and gratitude has shown to reduce compassion fatigue and create a nonjudgmental space for us to explore our own emotional and behavioral responses towards our elderly loved ones. In this way, we can cultivate within ourselves a sense of lovingkindness, or the feeling of tenderness and consideration towards other people – not just towards our lolos and lolas – but to ourselves as well (Hoffman, Grossman, & Hinton, 2011). We can learn to validate that our relationship with our elderly loved ones holds space for all of our needs – because, as caregivers, we have them too.

So try this. Whenever you are in a tough situation or having difficulties attuning to your elderly’s needs, say these to yourself as a reminder:

May I be safe.

May I be well.

May I be happy.

May I be loved.

Likewise, we can remind ourselves about the care we are capable of giving to our lolos and lolas:

May they be safe.

May they be well.

May they be happy.

May they be loved.

Ultimately, the best kind of care we can give to them is a sense that, despite the imperfections and challenges of caregiving, we can look towards ourselves and to them as humans who deserve safety, wellness, and compassion.

— 

References

  • Carstensen, L. & Hershfield, H. (2021). Beyond stereotypes: Using socioemotional selectivity theory to improve messaging to older adults. Current Direction in Psychological Science, 30(4), 327-334. doi:10.1177/09637214211011468. [Retrieved from 
  • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8340497/]
  • DiLornado, M. (2023). Caregiving for older adults. WebMD. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/aging-caregiving-older-adults.
  • Hofmann, S. G., Grossman, P., & Hinton, D. E. (2011). Loving-kindness and compassion meditation: Potential for psychological interventions. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(7), 1126-1132. doi: 10.1016/j.cpr.2011.07.003
  • Pérez, V., Menéndez-Crispín, E. J., Sarabia-Cobo, C., de Lorena, P., Fernández-Rodríguez, A., & González-Vaca, J. (2022). Mindfulness-based intervention for the reduction of compassion fatigue and burnout in nurse caregivers of institutionalized older persons with dementia: a randomized controlled trial. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(18), 11441. 1441. doi:10.3390/ijerph191811441
  • Rodriguez, J. (2022). What are the problems faced by elderly in our society?. GrisWorld. Retrieved from https://www.griswoldhomecare.com/blog/2022/december/what-are-the-problems-faced-by-elderly-in-our-so/
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Wellbeing Practices

Eating to enrich life: understanding and responding to emotional eating

emotional eating

In We Thrive, we work with people becoming their best selves by working with different aspects of who they are. There are the big-picture things: our sense of purpose, for example, which in Dr. Gabrielle Pfund’s research is composed of things such as how our future plans match our interests, how engaging we feel life is as a whole, and so on (Psychology Today, 2023). But there are also the big things when you zoom into that picture: the finer details of life, emerging from moment to moment, which compose the movements towards what we want life to be. These include the patterns of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, but also the things which give us the energy to, well, move. Specifically, we get this energy through food, “a fundamental human need that influences both physiological and emotional states” (Hamburg, Finkenauer, & Schuengel, 2014). Nutrition looks different from person to person, but generally speaking, the task of ascertaining life’s movement can be more difficult than it has to be when our bodies aren’t getting the food and drink it needs (MSD Manual, 2023). And as we’ve probably all experienced, those aforementioned patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior can lead us into patterns of eating that can deprive rather than enrich us. In this article, we will talk a bit about what such a pattern of eating is; how we might end up moving in this direction; and what we can do to direct, rather than be directed by, our eating habits.

What is “emotional eating”?

Eating is, as nutritionist Amelia R. Sherry puts it, “an intrinsically emotional experience” (Psychology Today, 2022). Hamburg, Finkenauer, & Schuengel expressed this intuition in concrete terms: “eating behavior goes beyond nutrition and alleviating hunger; family, friends, and cultural heritage shape individual food preferences” (Hamburg, Finkenauer, & Schuengel, 2014). All of life, both the pleasant and the unpleasant, is threaded with the experience of eating. So the term “emotional eating”, while widely used, does not necessarily give us the clearest idea, and might also give the wrong impression that eating in response to our feelings is necessarily a bad thing. Choosing to eat can be a perfectly reasonable way of grounding us, whether by supplementing our present positive emotional states, reliving a positive memory associated with certain foods, or dealing with the occasional difficulty (Rachael Hartley Nutrition, 2016).

The difference between “good” or “bad” emotional eating is in the word “choice”. Whether responding to our emotions by eating deprives or nourishes us depends on the intentions we have (or haven’t) set when we eat. Besides determining how nutrient-dense our diets are, how do we clarify our intentions with eating? Here are some helpful guide questions:

  • How aware are we of the reasons why we choose a particular food at a particular time?
  • Are we eating in a way that aligns with a particular goal we have, such as a health goal?
  • When faced with stressful situations, have we considered whether there may be better ways of coping or resolving these situations other than with food? 
  • To what extent do we actually savor or enjoy the food we are eating, when we do choose to eat at that moment?
  • As a whole, does our experience of eating delight us, or leave us with a lingering sense that something is not quite right?

What moves us towards “eating emotionally”?

“Emotional eating” is also known by at least two other names: “stress eating”, and “comfort eating”. These terms might be preferable, because it gives a better sense of the context in which these patterns of eating emerge. At the minimum, when people use the term “emotional eating”, they are generally referring to food intake as a means of grounding us when we feel overwhelmed, disrupted, or out-of-balance — in other words, eating as self-soothing (Psychology Today, 2023). If, while going through the guide questions, you realize that the intent of your emotional eating appears to be mostly about self-soothing, then you may be emotional eating in a way that might not be serving your best interests long-term. But this happens to almost everyone, and it is not necessarily about willpower. The research of Dr. Tatjana Van Strien found at least three determinants for emotional eating (van Strien, 2018):

  • Poor interoceptive awareness. This means a person has difficulty distinguishing feelings of hunger and satiety, which can lead to difficulties with determining whether one has eaten too little or too much. For example, this can be due to dietary factors such as regularly eating foods that are high in sugar, which can exacerbate hunger because of the rapid increases in blood glucose (Penaforte et al., 2013).
  • Poor emotion regulation strategies. This means, for example, that a person becomes over-reliant on a particular coping mechanism (in this case, food) to deal with stressful situations. It can also mean that emotional eating becomes the result of an inappropriate coping mechanism, such as when avoidance of stressful situations ultimately leads to more of the stress occurring later on, making one more likely to rely on emotional eating.
  • Disruption of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. Among other things, the HPA axis is responsible for regulating appetite. Under normal circumstances, the stress response would be a loss of appetite, but due to various factors (e.g. incredibly stressful experiences, childhood trauma, abuse, or other underlying health conditions affecting the HPA axis), this is reversed and the stress response instead leads to increased appetite.

Keeping these three in mind, we can reflect on a few more questions:

  • What might be causing your urge to eat at a particular time? Is it because of what or how you may be used to eating? 
  • What difficult or stressful situations are you currently experiencing that may be better served by something other than food?
  • Aside from providing nutrition or sustenance, in what ways has food been present in your life growing up? Did you have an abundance of food or a scarcity of it? 
  • When you think of food, what memories are usually associated with it? Were there certain negative and possibly intense experiences in your life which food used to help you get through?

How do we direct our eating?

Eating plays a vital role, not just in the maintenance of regular bodily functioning, but in our journey towards living a purpose-driven life. But eating can either deprive us or enrich us with the energies, both physiological and psychological, necessary to live out such a life. So how do we eat in a way that is more enriching? Depending on your answers to the questions mentioned earlier, co-authors Dr. Gia Marson and Dr. Danielle Keenan-Miller offers some ideas for how best you can set the direction for the way food moves your life (Psychology Today, 2023):

  • Acceptance. This means becoming more accepting of your body and how it reacts to food. This means less judgment, which often leads to guilt and shame, and more kindness, which can lead you to a better sense of how the food actually feels for you.
  • Awareness. This means tuning into the emotional nature of eating and noticing what kinds of emotions emerge alongside the desire to eat.
  • Avoid reacting impulsively. This means when difficult and negative emotions emerge, as they do in emotional eating, we take a pause rather than immediately reaching out to food as we have habituated ourselves. This will give you some room to consider how else you might be able to respond to these emotions.

For mental health support services, email us at resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com or sign-up for sessions with our mental health clinicians.

References:

  1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/202305/what-gives-your-life-a-sense-of-purpose 
  2. https://www.msdmanuals.com/home/disorders-of-nutrition/overview-of-nutrition/overview-of-nutrition 
  3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3907771/ 
  4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/positive-food-parenting/202212/when-emotional-eating-can-be-normal-and-even-healthy 
  5. https://www.rachaelhartleynutrition.com/blog/2016/11/emotional-eating-is-okay 
  6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-binge-eating-prevention-plan/202301/emotional-eating-is-all-about-emotions-or-is-it 
  7. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5918520/ 
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3627933/
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving Thrive at Work

Celebrating Pride Month with PwC

Photo credit: PwC

It has been such a delight to take part in the #PwCACManila‘s Pride Month celebration!

We Thrive consultants Jan Castañeda and Mike Shimamoto sat down with KC Cadiz (PwC Talent Development for Emotional Intelligence Leader) and Ronnel Franco (Shine member) for a wellness session entitled Cultivating a Culture of Care for LGBTQ+ People in our Families.

It was a meaningful session with some psychoeducation, sharing of insights and communal singing.

Take a look at some of the event photos below:

Photo credits: PwC Acceleration Center Manila and We Thrive Team
Categories
Blog

Coming out as a starting point for authenticity

In We Thrive, cultivating “authenticity” is a core component of our work. That said, there is vibrant debate across various disciplines over what exactly it is: for example, is authenticity something that is always there and waiting to be “discovered”, something that “emerges” through our various experiences, or some magnificent combination of both? (Psychology Today, 2023) But as a working definition, we can think of authenticity as a process of making the “whats” and “hows” of life work in tandem with the “whys” of life. Adding some specificity, it is the extent to which we are “consistent” (i.e. ensuring “external characteristics” and “internal values” match); are in “conformity” (i.e. ensuring life’s broad strokes meet whatever standards we set for ourselves); are able to “connect” (i.e. how our relationships to a place, a community, or historical milieu align with our sense of self); and have “continuity” (i.e. how much of our sense of self changes or is retained over time) (Dammann, Friederichs, Lebedinski, and Liesenfeld, 2020). Put more succinctly, authenticity “requires us to embrace the reality of our freedom and be responsible for how we choose to live” (Sutton, 2021). To be able to live a life that is consistent, in conformity, is connected, and has continuity, we must exercise an awareness of life’s movements and, to the extent possible, ensure that these movements work in harmony.

Whenever Pride Month rolls in every June, the idea of “authenticity” inevitably comes up. For LGBTQ people, one marker often used to evaluate whether we are living authentically is disclosure of one’s sexual orientation and gender identity (SOGI) — that is, “coming out”. Many LGBTQ people see coming out as a cornerstone to the lifelong task of embracing this responsibility over life and maintaining the harmony of life’s hows and whys. And wonderful as it might be, and as important as it is in our collective imaginations, it needs to be said that it is not the end-all and be-all of authenticity as an LGBTQ person. You do not have to be “out” in order to be true to yourself. So the intention here is not to give undue privilege to coming out, but to ask what coming out might contribute to our own journeys of living authentically. 

Ultimately, it is on each of us to pay attention to what life is specifically asking from us — to “listen to those messages”, as the therapist Andrea Matthews explains, “listening long enough and deeply enough to really suss out the most essential parts and then begin to act as needed” (Matthews, 2023). Whether coming out is what life demands of us in the present is on us to ascertain, and with much necessary struggle. But thankfully, that difficulty is at least a good sign: as the professor of psychology Dr. Stephen Joseph puts it: “the most authentic people, because they know themselves so well, recognize their struggles in living authentically” (Joseph, 2020).

Even if life does ask this from us, coming out can be deeply frustrating. We may have to come out in bits and pieces: to one friend but not another, with a sibling but not necessarily with a parent, and so on. In these scenarios, LGBTQ people can be caught up in an exhausting balancing act of shifting between one’s “personas” from one context to the next.

We may feel unable to come out at all because of what may be real risks to our wellbeing and safety, whether that be threats of violence or serious disruptions of important relationships such as those in our families or religious communities. We may even struggle with “coming in” — that is, recognizing and accepting oneself as LGBTQ — whether because of internalized negative ideas about being LGBTQ (e.g. “LGBTQ people are promiscuous”), perceived conflicts with core beliefs (e.g. “same-sex relationships are sinful”), and any number of barriers to our ability to embrace our unique experience of SOGI.

Whatever the case, our response to our circumstances must have at least two features: a loving-kindness; and a gentle recognition that these struggles allow us opportunities for renewal that can surprise us in the way it moves us closer to authenticity than our preconceived notions of coming out ever could.

Speaking of renewal, like other aspects of life, our experience of SOGI is always undergoing this process: we learn more about the nature of our attraction to others; who we are as men, women, or some other gender category; and what influences how we respond to relationships. For example, while the rule of thumb is that sexual orientation is generally stable over a lifetime, some very clever research has shown it can also display a good deal of fluidity, such as in studies that looked at differences in its expression based on birth sexes (Mock and Eibach, 2012) or specific timescales (Diamond, Dickenson, and Blair, 2016). This fluidity is also the case for gender identity (Katz-Wise, 2020), and is readily seen both historically and in the present time both in our own culture and in the surrounding cultures of Southeast Asia (Peletz, 2006). Such fluidity is undoubtedly fascinating in and of itself. But more importantly, it raises many points of reflection: for example, how much of our experience of authenticity is invested in our experience of SOGI, given its potential fluidity? (This question certainly applies to many other areas of life!) Applying this question to coming out: how much of the movements of life — our aspirations, beliefs, talents, interests, and capacities for truth in our relationships — is invested in our coming out, given how fluid coming out can also be?

There are many ways we can break this question down further. But as a starting point for what is ultimately a lifelong process, we can briefly apply some practical points of reflection on authenticity offered by the clinical social worker Zahara Williams:

  • Does coming out allow you to be “in tune with your values and passions”? For example, is being more open about your SOGI directed towards your personal commitment to the principle of honesty? Or does being more open about your SOGI also translate to being more open to embracing interests and desires which norms surrounding gender and sexuality would otherwise stop you from pursuing?
  • Does coming out contribute to a feeling of “being fulfilled?” For example, would being more open about your SOGI open up avenues in your life that allow you and others a fuller experience of who you are and what your life has to offer?
  • Does coming out help you “navigate life with purpose?” For example, would greater honesty about your experience of being an LGBTQ person allow you to act with more honesty about what you want out of life?
  • Is coming out for you “prioritizing what brings you peace”? For example, would disclosing your SOGI, whether or not this is initially difficult or distressing, ultimately give you the peace of mind you need to move through life with more ease and without so many considerations of people’s responses?
  • Does coming out give you more “tenacity and flexibility?” For example, would facing the challenge of coming out as LGBTQ embolden you to face courageously all the other challenges life offers you? (Psych Central, 2022)

To emphasize a previous point, coming out is a “lifelong process”, and our answers to the questions like what gives us a sense of fulfillment or peace are themselves very fluid. You may have also discovered that there were just as many other questions as there were answers which emerged. Perhaps while looking back at your own experience, as I did while writing this article, you realized that there was a time before coming out where the various affections of life came less naturally then than it does now. You may also have noticed that, despite the very real difficulties that entered into life as a result of coming out, there also came very real joys. And perhaps there were things which you would not expect to be at all related to disclosing one’s SOGI — in my case, these were my renewed religious pieties and an enthusiasm for sports — which now have such a profound influence on the movements of your life after coming out.

If these questions seem difficult, that is because they are. But as we see from some of these questions, coming out can be a starting point for a fuller experience of life’s truths. Using the components of authenticity identified earlier on: does coming out allow us to direct the movements of life in ways that allow us to live a life that manifests consistency, conformity, connection, and continuity? Whether or not we choose to come out, what is important is that we are able to exercise that sensitivity to the movements of life so that we are able to be true to ourselves in the present moment.

Whatever the case, We Thrive aspires to be your ally. Whether it’s about coming out, navigating your relationships with others, and figuring out how your SOGI fits into other aspects of life in a beautiful way, we want to be with you in your journeys.

To learn more about how our different activities and programs can contribute to your wellbeing as an LGBTQ person, email us at resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com.

References:

  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/authenticity
  • https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.629654/full
  • https://positivepsychology.com/authentic-living/
  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/202305/how-to-live-an-authentic-life
  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-doesnt-kill-us/202007/are-authentic-people-more-mindful
  • https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21584828/
  • https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/gender-fluidity-what-it-means-and-why-support-matters-2020120321544
  • https://psych.utah.edu/_resources/documents/people/diamond/Stability%20of%20sexual%20attractions%20across%20different%20timescales.pdf
  • https://www.jstor.org/stable/10.1086/498947
  • https://psychcentral.com/lib/ways-of-living-an-authentic-life
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General Wellbeing Practices

Social Emotional Parenting for the Next Normal

Pandemic Parenting

The past three years of pandemic have been quite challenging for children and adults alike.  As students adjusted to online classes and distance learning modalities, parents adjusted to work from home settings where the lines between work and home were blurred in a sea of online meetings in shared spaces at home, while juggling work, parenting and multiple responsibilities.  Many parents were thrust into an extra role of being their children’s “home schooling teacher” – supervising their children’s learning, troubleshooting tech issues during online classes, being the videographer + editor for their children’s video recorded homework, picking up and submitting modules from school, on top of the stress of working from home, and coping with their own personal concerns – health, uncertainties in the midst of a pandemic. Parents had to grapple with their overwhelming worries and fluctuating emotions, as they tried to support their children’s academic and socio-emotional needs.  

This is to acknowledge that parents pour out their time and effort, their heart, mind and soul into raising their children: It is never easy – during pre-pandemic, pandemic, and “next normal” times – the range of emotions both parents and children face in these disruptions and transitions shifts from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.

Next Normal Parenting

After these past three years of lockdowns, quarantines and limited movements, we are all finally taking steps forward in this “next normal”.   Students are returning to full face to face or hybrid (face to face + online) learning modes.  Parents can breathe a bit easier with our “homeschooling” load lightened, although we may have some concerns or fears about the adjustments our children have to go through – “This will increase my child’s exposure to Covid and other viruses.”; “After these years of being stuck at home, will my child be able to re-adjust to interacting with other kids again?”; “After all these years of online classes, are there learning gaps in my child’s education?  Can they readapt again to regular in-person classes?”  These fears are valid and understandable.  As parents, you can process these fears when you tap into your social and emotional skills, and you can also model these skills for your children to use as they navigate this transition.

SEL approach – Practicing SEL Parenting Skills

According to the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL), “social and emotional learning (SEL) is an integral part of education and human development. SEL is the process through which all young people and adults acquire and apply the knowledge, skills, and attitudes to develop healthy identities, manage emotions and achieve personal and collective goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain supportive relationships, and make responsible and caring decisions.”

We can learn, and practice social emotional knowledge, attitudes, skills and strategies together with our children. This can pave the way for positive life experiences, with many benefits to practicing social emotional learning (SEL) – improved performance in school and work, better management of emotional distress, fostering healthy relationships with one’s self and others.

FOSTERING SELF AWARENESS

Being a parent is a journey of self-discovery – we come face to face with our own emotions, beliefs, strengths and weaknesses as we raise our children.  By recognizing and acknowledging how thoughts, feelings and actions are interconnected in a healthy way, within ourselves, and within our own children – – this guides us in the way we make decisions, and helps our children to develop more insights into their internal experiences and external actions.    When we encourage our children to share about their day, and actively listen to them, children will open up to share their feelings and thoughts.  When they encounter some awkwardness as they move from online interactions with friends to face-to-face interactions, we can support them by teaching them to use “I” statements as they identify feelings (“I felt shy when I met my classmates again.” ; “I felt weird seeing a big classroom filled with people again, I miss being by myself in a quiet room” ; “I felt happy to see all my friends and to talk with them after these years of just chatting or video calls online.”).  

You can encourage them to share about their feelings by opening up the conversations with some “kumustahan” questions: “Would you like to share about how school has been today?”; “Would you like to talk about how your day went today?”.  This approach will help them to understand and unpack what feeling excited, happy, worried or sad is about, and they are better able to manage their emotions.  We can also encourage them to engage in activities that promote self-reflection – such as journaling or sharing the highs and lows of their day – “What is one thing you are thankful for today?  What is one thing that you felt could have been better today?”. The more our children discover their sense of self, the more this nurtures their self-esteem.

ENHANCING SELF-MANAGEMENT

Understanding the interrelations of feelings, thoughts and actions can lead parents and children to regulating these through self-management.  During changes and transitions, there will be a lot of mixed emotions that our children may go through. When our children are feeling overwhelmed and emotionally upset (dysregulated), we can try practicing co-regulation with them.  Co-regulation, sometimes called mutual regulation,  involves a parent or caregiver stepping in to help a child to identify, manage and process their intense emotions.  When a child’s emotions are fueled by high energies, we avoid matching their high energy, and try to do emotional modeling – we model the calm behavior we would like to see in our child, by using a warm, soothing tone of voice, instead of mirroring their upset emotions.  

We can share emotional regulation strategies with them – such as relaxation breathing exercises, mindfulness exercises – quiet time, focusing on the present moment, muscle relaxation, body scan, five senses exercise, using the “feelings wheel” (a tool used to help us define specific emotions we are feeling – for kids age 4-11), and for teens and adults).  We can also use mobile apps: Headspace and Insight Timer have a number of tracks that can help you and your child practice mindful breathing. These emotional regulation strategies help children and adults regain control when they’re feeling upset or overwhelmed.  

We take note that what works for us as adults may not always work for our children.  We need to match the emotional regulation strategy with the needs and developmental age and stage of our child.  It might be hard to get a 2-3 year old toddler to do meditation, but maybe we can try practicing mindfulness of the 5 senses with them: “What do you see?  What do you hear? What do you smell?  What do you taste? What do you feel in your hands? in your feet? How does your body feel right now?”. By understanding one’s emotional triggers, more impulse control can be practiced. Practicing these self-management skills can help us and our children to evaluate our decisions and actions in challenging situations.  We can ask our children to share about their concerns, or problems they may be experiencing – we can also encourage them to think of possible solutions to their problems, the pros and cons, as well as the impact of these on people they deal with day to day.  

MAKING RESPONSIBLE CHOICES

When parents assess their goals, social situation, and foster understanding of self, they are able to develop responsible decision making skills, which leads to positive choices. Our actions as parents have an impact on our children; children are very observant and they can pick up on our behavior.  When we are mindful of the modeling they see in us, and in our pro-active choices, our children develop an innate sense of taking ownership of choices they make. Sometimes, our children may approach us and ask us – “Mom / Ma / Dad / Pa, what would you do in this situation?”  While our tendency as parents oftentimes is to give them advice on what to do, we can consider pausing for a while and giving them the space to come up with their own decision.  

The “stop light approach” can be helpful here – Red = stop and pause, Yellow = take a breath, Green = think through the options and make your decision. “I hear you have this situation right now – what are the things that need to be worked out? What options or choices do you have right now? How do you think you can help in this situation?”. This nurtures in them the ability to take some time to slow down, think through different options, consider the consequences of their actions, and make decisions based on positive values, empathy and fairness.  This empowers our children to make responsible choices that consider their well-being and the well-being of others. 

DEVELOPING SOCIAL AWARENESS

We live in communities, cultures, and societies, and we share this social setting with our children.  With a return to in-person school settings, they develop a keen awareness of the need to build relationships and strong friendships.  Part of our community fabric includes weaving an understanding of various races, genders, cultures, ages, religions – cultivating in our children a respectful approach towards differences, and empathic understanding of the world we live in today.  When students return to in-person classes, they will be sharing stories of their pandemic experiences with their classmates, and while there are many common experiences, they may have to confront different realities and socio-economic difficulties that many people endured.  

As your child shares with you these stories, this can be a conversation prompt to promote perspective taking: “How do you think that felt like for your friend?”, to promote showing concern for others’ feelings: “You sound happy to know your friend felt excited to be with classmates again.”, to promote empathy and compassion: “You feel sad when you heard about your friend’s troubles.”.  This can also open exploration of opportunities for serving the community in their own small ways, and doing their part in creating healthy, safe and positive spaces in the community.

NAVIGATING RELATIONSHIPS

As we build relationships in our families and communities, our children are learning from us, and along with us, how to act in varying social situations. 

Seclusion from their friends and classmates during the pandemic can take its toll on our children, as they ease back into being with friends, we can support them by checking-in daily on how they are coping with this resumption of in-person interactions, and actively listening to their concerns, worries and feelings.   

We can nurture open communication by being fully present and paying full attention to our children when they are talking with us – this will help them feel that we care about what they have to say, and make them feel heard and understood.  “I hear that you enjoyed school time today.” or “I hear that you felt sad today.” are some sample responses of how to apply listening skills that encourage our children to share more openly with us. This helps  us to better understand their thoughts, feelings and experiences. Nurturing this open communication with our children can create that space where they are able to process relationships and friendships – enhance cooperation, fairness, kindness, and helpfulness towards others, develop empathic listening, manage opposing views and conflicts, and recognize and regulate emotions.  This strengthens our relationships in the family, maintains healthy friendships in the school, and deepens their sense of community.  

Although this “next normal” is still full of uncertainty – and we can expect that there will be bumps, twists and turns this transition brings, we can lean on these social emotional skills to help us respond to the call of these ever-changing times. By opening up our emotions, thoughts, and incorporating social emotional learning into our daily practice, with intentionality, we model these skills that our children will gain through observation and active engagement; this empowers them to establish self-awareness, emotional regulation, empathy, positive communication in their interactions with others.  We continue to build their resilience, and to create a nurturing environment that supports their growth, development, and well-being throughout the different stages and challenges that life brings.

SOURCES:

Categories
Blog Thrive at Work Wellbeing Practices

Help at Work: Identifying workplace stress and the support you need

workplace stress

In We Thrive, we understand work as vital to the whole person. In the course of work, we learn to “regulate” by meeting challenges and its accompanying pressures head-on; to “relate” by working together with different people with different histories and perspectives; and to “reflect towards wise action” by considering how our work aligns with what is truly important to us. When pursued with mindfulness and compassion, work helps us grow not just in our careers but in our ability to live out lives as well-rounded human beings.

But of course, work has its issues.

Despite the lessons which the COVID-19 pandemic should have taught us about self-care and self-compassion, we remain tangled with a work ethic that prioritizes “productivity” at the expense of everything else. Unfortunately, this work ethic also bred a resistance to, and even fear of, seeking help, so used are we to the idea of “toughing it out”.

Despite increasing visibility of the importance of mental health, we are still uncertain about how this might play out within companies and industries. And on the level of the individual, we are still working  out, in the aftermath of a global health crisis, something as basic as what constitutes a legitimate need for assistance.

Here, we will look at one way to think about the kind of pressure you experience in the workplace, and the kind of help that you (and your workplace) may consider. Throughout this discussion, we will also be directed by this question: “Is my work nurturing my growth, or impeding it?”

Defining the pressure you need help for

There are sources of pressure, or “stress”, that are common across organizations and industries. The finer details may differ across fields, but these can be categorized into two broad categories:

  1. Work content, which are the various tasks involved and its accompanying costs in time, effort, and expertise. Some potential stressors under this category can include inappropriate workloads, where there may be too much or too little demands; the meaningfulness of the work, or the extent to which the job is aligned with the person’s values or sense of purpose; and autonomy, or the extent to which a person can exercise control over the work they do.
  2. Work context, which are the environmental and socio-cultural aspects of the job. These can include thing like the nature of relationships between colleagues, which can vary in levels of support, transparency, and general good humor; organizational culture, which can refer to policy structures and management styles that buttress the organization; and the sense of belonging within the larger work community, which refers to the extent to which a person might feel included or excluded from one’s peers or the extent to which one feels that their presence and contributions are actually valued. (WHO, 2020; Mental Help, 2015)

The response to these stressors is unique to each person, dependent not just on how intense or persistent the stressful experience is, but also on a person’s particular condition. A stressful event that might be considered “mild” for one person, which may improve functioning, might be “severe” to another, and disrupt functioning (Yaribeygi et al., 2017). But how do we tell the difference? We can do this by using two distinct categories of stress: “eustress” and “distress”.

Working with “eu-stress”

The first category of stress is eustress: the kind of stress which motivates us to face challenges successfully, learn new skills and perspectives, and provides opportunities to direct their actions towards our goals and our values. (Albort-Morant et al., 2020).

Broadly speaking, while there is definitely pressure, there is vitality. This can look like the following:

  • You feel energized;
  • You feel more focused;
  • You feel confident you know what you’re doing (or at least you’re confident you can learn);
  • You are excited by what you do; and
  • You sense your productivity increasing (Shafir, 2020; Tocino-Smith, 2019).

The work may be more difficult, but the movement towards accomplishing the task elicits feelings of pleasure and a sense that one is both working well and working towards something worthwhile for themselves and for the organization.

In a phrase: eustress nurtures growth.

The help we might need here would be less about relieving pressure and more about maximizing it: how can we maximize this opportunity for growth?

In the workplace, this might mean strengthening the following areas:

  • Ensuring access to mentors or peers who can offer emotional support or concrete advice for effectively addressing a challenge;
  • Providing appropriate flexibility to accommodate people’s particular work needs, such as work schedules, deadlines, or work spaces;
  • Building relationships between employees that ensure that people are not afraid of making mistakes or speaking up about their needs;
  • Setting clear work expectations so people know exactly what they’re working towards; and so on (Peart, 2019).

Working with “di-stress”

The second general category of stress that you may (unfortunately) be more familiar with is called distress. This is the opposite of eustress: instead of motivation, energy, and a sense of purpose, there may instead be dissatisfaction, fatigue, and a lack of direction. In this situation, the strain has either fallen too short of, or more often has far surpassed, the person’s threshold. Too little stress leads to boredom, lethargy, and a propensity for catastrophizing challenges faced because there has been inadequate opportunity to learn ways to cope with and savor challenges (Szalavitz, 2011). Too much stress though and the system can be overwhelmed, unable to effectively keep up, leading to disruptions in basic life functions such as sleep and a whole host of diseases (LeBlanc and Marques, 2019).

Again speaking broadly, in contrast to eustress, distress can be understood as being sapped of vitality. This can look like the following:

In this scenario, greater attention needs to be placed on relieving the pressure and addressing the manifestations of the distress: how do we return to a condition conducive for growth?

Going back to the workplace, this might mean the following:

  • Ensure that any changes to job demands are made to ensure employees actually have the time and the opportunity to practice self-care; 
  • Address the actual sources of the distress at work, including but not limited to lack of career advancement, conflicting work demands, workloads and timelines that force employees to go over and beyond their supposed job schedules, inadequate salaries and benefits, and so on;
  • Provide mental health support is both available and accessible to employees; and
  • Ensure adequate support from mentors, management, and other peers (APA, 2018; CCOHS, 2023).

When do I (and my workplace) need more help?

Returning to our first question, we understand that growth is nurtured when there is both adequate pressure (“eustress”) and adequate rest. Considering the latter, we can ask ourselves whether we are getting the rest we need — and whether our workplaces allow us to engage in such without reprisal or penalty. One useful model for understanding “rest” comprehensively, in its active and passive forms, looks at seven different kinds:

  1. Physical Rest, such as sleep, good eating habits, and exercise;
  2. Mental Rest, such as engagement with non-work-related intellectually-stimulating activities such as reading and games;
  3. Spiritual Rest, such as activities which respond to your religious callings or other callings to a higher purpose, including prayer, charitable works, and so on;
  4. Emotional Rest, such as being able to express our emotions authentically in safe and compassionate environments;
  5. Sensory Rest, such as relieving ourselves from over-stimulation by keeping away our mobile and other computer devices;
  6. Social Rest, such as by engaging in pleasurable social activities or in pleasurable solitude; and
  7. Creative Rest, such as through different artistic endeavors (Skowron, 2022).

A rule of thumb is to check in with ourselves and if in the past two weeks that if we are either a) we are unable to get adequate rest or b) if our best efforts at getting adequate rest is insufficient to relieve our present experience of distress, then this would be a signal to start seeking help. Similarly, if an organization finds itself unable to adequately and promptly support their employees’ wellbeing needs needs for rest, then the organization itself may want to consider getting help as well.

As a final point, despite what our present culture of work tells us, seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness. Speaking to organizations, to seek help rather than to just allow our employees to “tough it out” is a sign not only of courage and strength, but a sign that we are truly taking mental health seriously — and that despite the pressures, our workplaces are places where people’s growth can be nurtured.

For mental health support services for organizations, email us at resilientteams@wethrivewellbeing.com or contact us to sign-up for sessions with our mental health clinicians. 

References:

  1. https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/ccupational-health-stress-at-the-workplace 
  2. https://www.mentalhelp.net/stress/types-of-stressors-eustress-vs-distress/ 
  3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7013452/ 
  4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5579396/
  5. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/eustress-vs-distress/ 
  6. https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-eustress/ 
  7. https://hbr.org/2019/11/making-work-less-stressful-and-more-engaging-for-your-employees
  8. https://healthland.time.com/2011/12/20/the-goldilocks-principle-of-stress-too-little-is-almost-as-bad-as-too-much/ 
  9. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-handle-stress-at-work-2019041716436
  10. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/effects-of-working-too-much/
  11. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/work-related-stress#rpl-skip-link  
  12. https://www.apa.org/topics/healthy-workplaces/work-stress 
  13. https://www.ccohs.ca/oshanswers/psychosocial/stress.html 
  14. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/a-different-kind-of-therapy/202212/the-7-kinds-of-rest-you-need-to-actually-feel-rejuvenated
Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General

Words of wisdom from the moms at We Thrive

Mother’s Day is right around the corner so we rounded up the best advice that the moms from our We Thrive team could share and here’s what they had to say:

Raise the child you have, not the child you or others think you should have.

See your children for who they are and for their strengths, gifts and capabilities. See the best things about and make them feel really seen and heard. Rather than looking at what they are not doing, or are doing wrong, or belaboring who they are not, the invitation is to accept and celebrate our children for who they are. In so doing, hopefully our children learn to appreciate and value themselves the way we as loving parents, try to see them.

Ninin Sumpaico-Jose

As a first time mom, it helps me to remember that just like my baby, I am growing and learning too. It makes sense that I’m still figuring things out. Acknowledging my own development as a mother gives me more self compassion and gratitude for the gift of growing with my baby everyday.

Triza Guerrero-Cheng

There’s a lot of unsolicited advice, but the best I got were random advice after I gave birth to my first child – Sleep while your baby sleeps; At night, breastfeed in side-lying position, roll your baby to your other side when changing sides; and other breastfeeding-related concerns.

Most moms would say that the first months are the hardest, but going through it all with 3 kids, I must say that the hardest is keeping your identity in place while finding the balance between being a mother, wife, a house manager, and a career woman all at the same time. Most will ask how to balance time from all the responsibilities, but what I usually say is, you can’t. You can’t do all things in one sitting, some things just have to wait. And as much as possible, ask for help. Other responsiblities such as housework and teaching the kids can be better done by other people, like a househelp and a tutor. What matters most is the quality of time you give to your kids.


I only have 2 simple advice – enjoy the mealtimes with your family, and sleep well.

Dr. Janice A. Camarillo

A dear friend once told me “Remember to give yourself as much love and compassion as you give your child.”

I’ve had to keep this advice in mind everyday especially knowing that moms (actually women in general), have a greater tendency to put the needs of others ahead of themselves. In order for me to show up at my best and be truly present as a mom, I have to ensure that I take care of myself too. That means being okay with taking breaks, making room for mistakes, asking for help, saying ‘no’ to a lot of things, sitting with a lot of discomfort and trusting that it’ll be okay despite the uncertainties.

Paula Garcia-Ramos

Best advice I got in my later years as a mom: 😂
If you hate yourself, you probably need rest.❤️
If you hate everyone else, you probably need a snack.🥰

Advise i can give to other moms:
“Ni calvo, ni con dos pelucas.”
( Not bald, no wigs)
Which means balance, equanimity, equilibrium and not to sweat the small stuff.❤️

Margarita “Tucci” Reyes

And here’s a look back at the interview we did with Techie Duran-Dy on everyday thriving as a mom.

Categories
Blog Everyday Thriving General

Happy International Dance Day!

It’s International Dance Day and we’re turning the spotlight on Laya Alampay as she shares her insights on dance and wellbeing.

Laya is a We Thrive clinician, Ateneo MA student and part time lecturer, UP Streetdance alum and member of The Crew

Here’s a bonus video!

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CiCwR_ErH7q/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet